Nathan Rabin's work can be found at, but not limited to, the Onion AV Club

For centuries, mankind has pondered a series of eternal questions: Does God exist? Why is there suffering in a world supposedly created by a just and merciful God? Did the kid from the Life cereal commercials really die when his head exploded after washing down Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola? And just who is this Claire Zulkey, this mystery wrapped inside an enigma smuggled inside an even bigger mystery wrapped inside, like, a shiny silver box with a dainty bow on top? But while modern man has discovered the definitive answers to nearly all the aforementioned questions (they are, respectively: 1. Maybe 2. 'Cause she feels like it and 3. No, he grew up to be Marilyn Manson), the enigma that is Claire Zulkey remains as elusive as ever.

We do know some things about this literary woman of mystery, however, and they are, in no particular order:

1. She was born in the jungles of the Serengeti, where her parents were Larouchie missionaries who supplemented their meager income by selling Ritalin, speed and bootleg Calvin Klein merchandise to the natives.

2. When she was old enough, Zulkey swam to America, where she was promptly hailed as "The voice of the Claire Zulkey" generation and given the prestigious Claire Zulkey Award for Zulkiness in the field of American literature.

3. She's rumored to have ghostwritten George Carlin's Brain Droppings, Edmund Morris' Theodore Rex and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.

4. She once sold her soul to the Great Deceiver down by the crossroads for the ability to play the blues better than anyone else. No, wait, that's Robert Johnson.

But that's all just hearsay, tomfoolery and, in most cases, out and out
fiction. To get the real scoop, we traveled to the imposing Zulkey compound in Malta, and over scones, Jagermeister and celery sticks, attempted to discover the truth about this international mink of mystery.

You've been described as the voice of the Claire Zulkey generation. What sort of responsibility do you think that entails?
It's a true honor. I begin each day leading the nation's children singing the Zulkian anthem and then proceed towards making my day as Zulkeyish as possible. But because of the paparazzi I have to be a lot more careful these days. You can't just stumble out of the Viper Room coked to the gills whenever you like anymore.

Most people go online to search for herbal Viagra, reputable
penis-enlargement services and hot horny Asian teen sluts begging for cock. Will your website offer any of these important services?
Ha ha! Did I ever tell you about the time I swallowed Emily Brunini's contact lenses? You'll want to address the marketing department with that question.

Do you have any advice for aspiring Claire Zulkeys out there?
As Li'l Kim once said, "You want to be this queen bee, but you can't be, and that's why you're mad at me."

As the primary venture capitalist behind zulkey.com, I invested eighty five million dollars of my venture capital into this project, and I'm having a difficult time seeing how this site is ever going to make a profit. Can you please explain to me, as well as my fellow share-holders, how exactly this site is going to make us all filthy rich?
Certainly. The more money that's pumped into this project, the greater chance I have of becoming wildly famous. Once that's accomplished, my autographs, used Kleenexes and hair snippings will increase in value exponentially and my friends and investors will make a handsome mint off them.

You've been called "the prankster monkey of American Letters" as well as "A nice girl who likes baseball." Which is true? Which is even more true? Which is truest?
It's actualy "the prankster monkey who likes baseball." But I guess I'm just a girl in the world, living at home and working as a copywriter. But what is true? Love is truth. Beauty is truth. Black liquorice is gross. What was I saying?

C-Murder, Silkk The Shocker, Master P or Li'l Romeo?
It's actually The Incredible Zulk, CZ Rider or CZ Topp, but I'll take C-Murder in a pinch.

Have you ever considered changing your pen name to Li'l Claire Zulkey? It seems to work for the rap singers.
Would you believe that there's already a Li'l Claire Zulkey? She works with Suge Knight, and thus I don't want to mess with her.

What are your plans for Zulkey.com? Do they involve horny teen sluts at all?
What is with you and horny teen sluts? Anyway, the answer is yes, but just like everybody else, they have to put in their hours as unpaid interns photocopying and filing. No teen slut, no matter how sexxxy or horny is just going to waltz in here and get a job, mister. In the meantime, I plan to plug along here in the background, recording my writings, organizing my thoughts, bribing my friends to help out and ultimately killing time until Ben Affleck and Matt Damon decide it's the next project they want to "green light."

Is there any truth to the rumor that you, like Justin Timberlake, are addicted to Chili's Baby Back Ribs? Are their any rehab plans in your future?
Sadly, it's true, but I learned my lesson when a giant crate of ribs fell on me while I was frolicking on an island in the Bahamas. That was when I hit rock bottom. Now I'm sticking strictly to *NSync fruit snacks, which a wise man once recommended to me. Chris is the sweetest!!!

What's the deal with that Jared guy from the "Subway" commercials. He never takes his shirt off. What does he have, like a pentagram etched into his stomach? What gives?
I know! I won't believe that he actually lost all that weight until that shirt comes off. He's probably just sucking his gut in. Until I see some skin, I'm sticking with Potbelly and Jimmy Johns.

If you could go back in time and visit either Chester A. Arthur, former White Sox relief pitcher Bobby Thigpen or Latin sensation Ricky Martin, who would you choose?
I would trade them all for a brief chat and phone-number-exchanging session with Paul Konerko.

How will Zulkey.com ease the crushing emptiness, existential misery and infinite sadness that characterizes modern life? Also, will there be any nekkid pictures?
It has been proven in scientific tests that the wit, wisdom, handsome blue and grey colors and charming kangaroo icon of Zulkey.com remind people of the meaning of life. And there's no need to put up nekkid pictures here when they can be easily found and viewed at www.nekkidzulkey.com.

On Neal Pollack's site, he affords people an opportunity to send in fan fiction featuring him. Do you have any similar plans?
I definitely welcome any fan fiction regarding Neal Pollack; it'll definitely add some class to this half-baked project. Regarding myself, I only want fan fact, or perhaps fan historical fiction. But let's face it: I don't really have something good to say every day, so if anybody has any big ideas, or even anything that they email me, I'll probably end up putting it here anyway.

Will zulkey.com rock the camel's ass?*
It will rock the camel's ass, but not quite as much as it will rock the kangaroo's ass.
*Final question courtesy of Chicago-based musician Wesley Willis