(Photo by JunCTionS)

Okay folks, let's go over something. We all hate flying, unless of course you're flying first class, in which case, will you marry me? Anyway, it stinks, especially if you're on a flight that lasts more than a few hours: those impossibly-tiny seats, the zen koan of hell that is the seat-reclining-in-your-face-but-you-also-want-to-recline-YOUR-seat-situation, the movie you don't really want to watch but will since it's on but you can't see it anyway since it looks like it's in black in white and is two miles ahead of you in the cabin, the snack you've resigned yourself to buying but discover that you can't anyway since somebody ten rows ahead of you ordered the last one. It's all the worst.

But we live in a society and there are still rules, even if airplane travel seems like the jungle. Listen to me closely: There is no first-come first-serve when it comes to getting off the plane. The people in the front deplane first, and then all us little people in the back exit in order. You don't get to exit first just because you ran up the aisle the moment the "ding" of mercy went off. You don't want to get off the plane more than the rest of us do, trust me. Actually, thanks to the exiting bottleneck of everyone frantically trying to unload their suitcases (Hurry! Hurry! Before someone has to wait an extra thirty seconds!), you running up front out of order makes the rest of us who decided to obey the laws of society suffer as a consequence.

Additionally, if people in front of you are sitting as people ahead stand up, they're not sitting because they don't want to get off the plane. They're not thinking "Why did this flight have to end? I really want to finish this issue of Hemispheres!" It's just that they just don't feel like standing up for 15 minutes, banging their heads on the overhead compartment, waiting for their turn to exit. So don't think that you can scoot past them because they are too slow. Imagine their seat as an invisible barrier. You shall not pass.

There is of course the exception wherein you actually have a connection to catch that you need to hurry for, and there are rules for this.

A) Prior to landing, you let a flight attendant know you need to leave the plane quickly

B) An announcement is made to alert everyone that someone from the back will be hurrying off, but not to panic--they have a reason for doing so.

C) You make an apologetic face to everyone as you do so and mutter "Hope I make that connection!" so everyone knows you're not cheating.

That is fine.

Anyway, just wanted to remind you, we're all stuck in this hell together and the only thing keeping us between sanity and thinking we see a gremlin on the wing and trying to break the glass are these few rules, and you must obey them. Otherwise, some crabby lady is going to blog about you.

(Flickr/Isis Masoud)

Keegan-Michael Key is the co-creator of Comedy Central's sketch comedy show 'Key and Peele.'

Today I chat with one of the stars of Key and Peele, one of Comedy Central's most popular new shows, which features sketch comedy that tickles the funnybones of people like me and Barack Obama.

Prior to K&P, Keegan-Michael Key was best known for his roles as a cast member on MADtv for six seasons. He has also had recurring roles on Reno 911! and Gary Unmarried. He used to be the host of The Planet's Funniest Animals. Prior to that, Key was a member of Second City Detroit's mainstage cast as well as the Second City Chicago's e.t.c. theatre, where he wrote and performed shows "Holy War, Batman!" and "Curious George Goes to War" for which he won several Joseph Jefferson Awards (which honor excellence in Chicago theater).

Congratulations on Key and Peele's recently-announced second season. Do you have ideas for the next season already?
Thanks. We're more than halfway through the writing process.The show got picked up about two weeks after the series debut so we never took a break.

Do you feel freed up to try new things in the new season?
The network has actually encouraged us. They said you can be edgier if you want. You can push boundaries. It's been interesting because we've come across people of different races who have said, "You can push the boundaries more." We're on a cable network so we do have a niche--but that's the wrong word, it makes us sound super small. We do have a particular type who watches our program. People who, for lack of a better way of saying it, kind of like to get beat up by our comedy. They're like, "Go ahead, hit us." I think now from the network's point of view, they thought it was important to give us that note because we're following South Park now. So let's go from biting satire in a narrative form into biting satire in sketch form is what they want to happen so we can get more audience from the South Park audience.

It seemed like the first half of the debut season you introduced yourselves to the audience and established who you were, but the second half you were freer.
That is exactly what we were trying to do. We really think of ourselves as comedians first and harbingers of a new post-racial world second. We're trying to make that a little more important--but we've had focus groups and we've analyzed the data and it's really interesting, 'cause the people in the focus groups say as long as it's funny we're not too concerned about the racial stuff. Apparently across the board there was one scene everybody loved which was the gay couple where one is like "Oh my god what have I gotten into?" And the other is like "I'm getting married!" Everybody enjoyed that scene and it doesn't have anything to do with race. But you're right, that was exactly our tactic. Hey, please feel comfortable watching this, we can do comedy and then go with us here as we challenge you a little bit. Like Forest Whitaker's head on a baby. Welcome to the inside of the brain of my partner.

If someone reading this hasn't seen your show, what sketches would you tell them best exemplify the heart and soul of what you do?
Probably the bitch sketch and the soul food sketch. I keep saying the bitch sketch is our favorite but it's our favorite because we're subjective about it, a sketch that we kind of cracked open. I love people to watch, like, the ancestry.com commercial parody. In season two there'll be that signature subtlety but there'll be more nail-it-on-the-head stuff going on. So as much as I enjoyed performing the Black Jeff/White Jeff scene, where he's kind of flip-flopping back and forth, that to me is a flavor-giver more than speaking directly to what our pocket is. But that soul food sketch is right in the pocket. It's partner stuff.

You're not going to see a lot of scenes on our show like you would see on Mad TV, like, here's a character and we're going to plug that character into all these situations. You're not going to see that on our show. You're going to see, here's two people living in an existing current world, working off of each other. Oh, and slave auction-there's a complete lack of self-aggrandizement for us. We're always getting our comeuppance. That's where a lot of the criticism from black people has come from, why make black people look bad? And it's like, because if you don't make anybody look bad it's not a comedy. And if you want to really get a sense of us, I invite anybody who reads this to go onto comedycentral.com and look for our Vandaveon and Mike videos. We play these two characters that criticize the show. Two guys, clearly arrested in their maturity who make vlogs, video responses to each episode about how they could make the episodes funnier and apparently the recipe for making the episodes funnier is to put more d*cks and p*ssies and fart jokes. They're like, "I don't understand why you don't know that d*cks and poop will always make any scene funnier. You should always put more of that in your scenes. I would not call the scene Black Jeff I would call it D*ck Jeff and Black D*ck Fart and everybody would be laughing. Y'all almost got it, like it's funny to me but it could be funnier though."  It's very meta. That's us.

That's like a 21st Century Waldorf and Statler.
Well, we're huge Waldorf and Statler fans. It's funny, I look at all of my writers and I'm going, wait a minute, none of you were alive. I was a little seven-year-old kid playing on my books with my drumsticks cause Animal was the coolest thing in the world and none of them were alive. It's so funny. But they're influenced by the things I am.

How did you decide to shoot the interstitial moments between the sketches?
The original idea for the show was a huge departure from that. We originally pitched a narrative where every week we would be driving to our offices to go write and we'd walk to lunch and that kinetic energy is actually what makes you go "Ooh ooh I have an idea. When you're grocery shopping, that's when you go...then the dude pulls off his face and you realize..." But when you're sitting in front of the computer often there's nothing--so we're in the car driving to meetings and we're like, new ideas, new ideas, so that was going to be the beginning.

Then what would happen was, in the middle of the conversation in the car, we'd start playing characters and then scenes would just start happening. So the transitions were going to be our brainstorm process and then the end of every episode was going to be us pulling up to the office. We'd open the door and as the credits rolled you'd hear us say "Hey, we have some really good ideas for the show today." But I think we wanted to make sure the audience was familiar with what was happening before their eyes, so they wouldn't have to get used to a new thing.

The other thing we always think is, if it's not broken, don't fix it.  It wasn't broken during the Colgate Comedy Hour, it wasn't broken during Laugh In, why would we not do it? In the next season it will be different; the live stuff is going to be a lot looser. Literally it will be us improvising on stage.

Are there any famous fans of the show you were excited to learn about?
It's funny the people that tickle me. Sinbad, who said he is a big fan, makes me really happy. David Allen Grier--that means a lot. Someone who is a progenitor of what we do. When you get a Tweet that says "I gotta get me on Key & Peele," I was walking on air for three days.

The big one for me was when a friend of mine who does Hugh Laurie's hair said Laurie said that Key & Peele was the funniest thing on television. Now I can commit hari-kari. I did that Hell's Kitchen parody and we got a tweet from Gordon Ramsay. It said "Unbelievable....it's impossible that this scene is not funny." He was very clever. That was nice.

What was your path from Mad TV to this?
Jordan left a year before I did. I guess it was '09 that we finished. I went to a sitcom on CBS called Gary Unmarried. He did a pilot for Fox called The Station. My show got canceled and his show didn't get picked up. We share a manager and our manager said, "Do you want to do a show together?"And we said, "Absolutely that would be great," 'cause we felt we were a really good team. That was it. We pitched the show, Comedy Central loved the idea and we went from there.

Are there any characters you worked on for Second City or MadTV that you'd like to resurrect in any form for Key & Peele but haven't yet?
If I have my druthers I would just find a different venue for those characters. There are also litigious issues. We'd prefer to move away from Mad TV, since it's a different animal all together. The show is a different species; if these two animals could be in a different genus or phylum, we'd appreciate that. As an academic exercise, always Coach Hines. It's always been my favorite thing to play.

What do you look at as the predecessors of the show?
In Living Color. I was in college then and my mind was blown. Part of our heritage is African-American entertainers. If you're a comedic African-American entertainer, your heritage is standup, so to actually watch those actors performing, that made me go, "Oh now that's something I might want to do if this whole Shakespeare/Greek/Absurdism Theater thing doesn't work out." Had that worked out I certainly wouldn't be talking to you, I'd be living in some studio apartment but I'd be fulfilled.

Not that I'm not now. For me the biggest influence is Mr. Show. If we were going to emulate any sketch show it would be Mr. Show. Bob [Odenkirk] and Dave [Cross] are really up our alley. Our director--we're really on the same page--he tries to make every sketch look like a genre. So Mr. Show, The Ben Stiller show, these kind of shows--we're more influenced by the programs that focused more on the game of the scene, the comedic engine of the scene and then you layer characters on top as opposed to the way we did things at Mad where it's a very conventional sketch form, you start with characters and then you put that character in different situations a la Pink Panther or the Groundlings. I also really admire Dave Chappelle. It wasn't just crazy raucous celebrity parody. I feel like Jordan and I are trying--this sound so obnoxious--by being ourselves we're trying to usher something new into the world. I just don't know if celebrity parody is going to hack it anymore.

My husband and I have a special place in our heart for Planet's Funniest Animals. What was that hosting gig like?
It was a delightful job. I think I shot 150 episodes in 10 days. It's fun. It's a cast and crew of 18 people and you put on a shirt you read the teleprompter, take off the shirt, put on a different shirt, read the teleprompter. It's so lovely and simple but it's a great challenge. You never see the sketches before you talk about them or comment on them. It was crazy. They didn't do this with Matt [Gallant] but they did this with me, on the last day of shooting they bring in a loop audience and I would talk to the audience during the commercial throws. You think there's an audience 'cause you see them on these crane shots, but they're not really there. I guess it was really effective because people would ask me all the time, what about the audience? But when I got the job I decided I wasn't going to phone it in. I'd be as cheesy as possible and just love it. It made for an easier time.

Would you see the videos?
When I did voice over, I'd be in the booth cracking up and they'd be like, we have to shoot this over again and I'd be like, I'm so sorry, this is hilarious, that chimp is smoking a cigarette.

You do character based impressions. What have been the hardest to nail down?
On our show Jordan is the impression guy. It's not even really been for me, Key & Peele, it's not an issue. I actually can't answer the question since I haven't done any. That was  a requisite at Mad TV. Of course impressions are great because they're quantitative. You can watch one and be like, oh yeah, he's doing the same thing that the fat guy does. There's a kind of satisfaction you get from watching a person do an impression. I did the president at Mad, there's a couple components you have to pull together and I thought I did okay at that, but it took about three scenes for that to click in. But on our show, that has not fallen to me.

When you were a kid who were your comedy idols?
A Peter Sellers, number one. Also, the Muppets. I loved Animal, so I guess you could say by proxy Jim Henson. My dad really loved Flip Wilson and I loved anything my dad loved. Richard Pryor. In the pantheon of comedians, if they're the Olympians, he is Zeus. I devoured Lenny Bruce when I was in college and I'm a big Cosby fan. Pryor is the Athena that is born from Bruce and Cosby's brain. I just mixed my metaphors, but all he wanted in his career was to be a hybrid of Lenny Bruce and Bill Cosby in terms of social satire. He ended up being this super nova; the hybrid created something even better. He was doing satire by telling stories and it was amazing. Every comedian with melatonin in their skin owes him a debt.

As a kid lots of movies made me laugh. I love The physical stuff Mr. Bean does--thoroughly British. My stepmother is from Northern Ireland so I've been exposed to a lot of British comedy. When I was a kid I loved Sanford and Son, I loved Red Foxx. I'm also a big fan of the silent masters, so I'm a big Harold Lloyd fan, I loooove Buster Keaton. This may sound like sacrilegious, but I might like Keaton more than Chaplin. It's 'cause I'm a nerd and I'm the kind of weird person who reads essays on laughter and why it happens. Greek comedies like Aristophanes. My partner is a great student of human behavior, like the British Office, that kind of uncomfortable, documentary, style behavior. He can't get enough.

What TV shows do you try to watch?
I watch a lot of television. I'm a huge Modern Family fanatic. Love it. I watch a lot of procedurals: Criminal Minds. I like Spartacus. Comedy-wise, I like The Office. I watch a lot of Netflix. I watch a lot of British stuff, like, do you know Mitchell and Webb?

Oh, Numberwang, of course.
Yeah, Numberwang. We're trying to figure out what our Numberwang is. We love that so much. Katherine Tate. She's the new Tracey Ullman. I'm a big Tracey Ullman fan; I watched her in high school. The shows I haven't had an opportunity to watch which everyone keeps telling me would be up my alley are all on NBC. I love 30 Rock and I have old colleagues who are on that show. I need to hunker down and watch Community, watch Parks and Rec-- all those shows that are made for comedy nerds that I've not been watching. And you know what show makes me laugh? Workaholics. I have no business liking that show. I'm 15 years too old, but those three gentlemen are genuinely and intrinsically funny. I'm 41 so I'm supposed to go, "That's puerile that's sophomoric," but I'm laughing the whole time. But really, if there's SWAT gear and lawyers or gladiators, I'm your guy.

I've heard you say in another interview that you listen to a lot of public radio. What shows are you the biggest fan of?
I can't get enough of Ira Glass. I'm a Michael Feldman fan. I've been listening to Prairie Home Companion for about 26 years. There's a great show called The Madeleine Brand Show in Los Angeles. There's also a cooking show that's really terrific.

The Splendid Table?
Yes, My wife was a sous chef and my mother-in-law was a chef. We listen to that. This was all foreign territory to Jordan and I was going, "Dude, we're going to be on Morning Edition!" And he was like, "You seem to be excited." I'm going to lose my mind if I ever get to be on Fresh Air. I will lose my bloody mind if I ever get to talk to Terry Gross. Or David Bianculli. I will click my heels.

Where do you hang out when you're in Chicago?
Our favorite restaurant on earth is Rose Angelis on Wrightwood. It's a little house these two lawyers bought and decided to open as a restaurant. If I'm going to eat pizza, I will pick Lou Malnati's. There's a place in Evanston called The Lucky Platter, My wife loves that place. One of my best friends grew up in Wilmette, so we'll go up to Walker Brothers. Downtown, for some reason even though it's a chain, I like the Ruth's Chris in Chicago better than any other. I also think that the Mia Francesca on Bryn Mawr is really great. Of course I go to the Old Town Alehouse. I go there when I'm at Second City. I like the salad and meat at O'Brien's.

How does it feel to be the 312th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Of everything I've experienced this year, this is by far the biggest honor and I'll tell you why. Do you see the symmetry here, Claire? 312 guests and you are in the 312 area code. This is going to result in some kind of fortunate behavior. I guess it is kismet.

Or maybe a rip in the space/time continuum.
If it is a rip, I'm very glad it's you and I that put it there. Your baby is going to be born and it's going to be a super baby.

It may surprise you to know that occationally, rock stars aren't the pillars of good behavior we expect them to be, and sometimes their bad behavior extends to the creative realm. Several high-profile musicians have been accused of -- and successfully sued over -- allegations of plagiarism or copyright infringement when it turned out the hits they wrote weren't exactly the hits they wrote.

But writing new songs is hard. Here, I'm going to cut some slack on a few of the world's most famous copycats. I'll even attempt to argue how the "new" song improved upon the old.*

THE CULPRIT: George Harrison's 1970 hit, "My Sweet Lord." In 1976, a U.S. District Court decided that Harrison "subconsciously copied" the Chiffons' 1963 hit  "He's So Fine." Subsequently Harrison had to pay a hefty fine.

MAKING THE CASE FOR WHY "MY SWEET LORD" IS THE BETTER SONG: There are precious few pop songs that make religion sound pretty cool (see: Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky") and Harrison's ode to the Hindu god Krishna is one of them. With beautiful backup harmonies (supplied by Harrison himself) and sweet slide guitar, "My Sweet Lord" is a lusher, deeper take on the original tune. Plus, as the hit single from Harrison's first post-Beatles solo effort, All Things Must Pass, an album so full of breakup catharsis that it spanned three records, you sort of just want to root for the guy.

THE CULPRIT: Ray Parker's hit theme for the 1984 movie Ghostbusters. Parker was sued by Huey Lewis for plagiarising his hit "I Want a New Drug" from the same year. The two settled out of court. 

MAKING THE CASE: "I Want a New Drug" is a fine song, yes, but Huey Lewis and the News enjoyed plenty of hits in their time. Ray Parker, Jr.? Well, take away the Ghostbusters theme and which of his hit songs can you name most easily? Not to mention that without the Ghostbusters theme, we'd only have two Halloween songs to listen to each year ("Monster Mash" and "Thriller"). Plus, have you ever been at a wedding or a dance when the Ghostbusters theme unexpectedly got thrown on? Instant party-improver. While both songs might be equally good, if only one had to exist, you know you would go with the Ghostbusters theme song.

THE CULPRIT: Vanilla Ice sampled Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure" for his 1990 smash "Ice Ice Baby" without credit or permission. Vanilla Ice (Robert Van Winkle) subsequently paid Queen and Bowie, and as a result, all members of Queen and Bowie have since been given songwriting credit for the sample.

MAKING THE CASE: Okay, this is a tough one, but bear with me. There is no question that as musicians and probably as human beings, the world wants, nay, needs, David Bowie and Queen more than Van Winkle. However, when you imagine all the amazing songs Queen and Bowie have given the world, how high, exactly, does "Under Pressure" rank? Would it have made any sort of splash if it was written by somebody else? Like it or not, as the first hip hop single to top the Billboard charts, "Ice Ice Baby" made history and, on a more superficial level, still receives a warm, nostalgic welcome when it's played. The song, the video, the way the song helped bring hip hop to a mainstream audience; you could say that "Ice Ice Baby" is more of a cultural touchstone than "Under Pressure." This is not to say at all that Ice is better than Bowie/Queen, but if you were out on the dance floor at a wedding or in your car, you know, secretly, which song you'd rather hear. Regardless, now that Queen and Bowie are credited as songwriters on "Ice Ice Baby," you can enjoy the song without the same level of guilt.

THE CULPRIT: Avril Lavigne was sued in 2007 by songwriters for the band The Rubinoos, who claimed that her that her single "Girlfriend" infringed their copyright on their 1979 song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend." A confidential settlement was later reached.

MAKING THE CASE:
There's only one key portion of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" that sounds very much like the Rubinoo's "I Want to Be Your Boyfriend," and you could go insane arguing whether Lavigne truly ripped off the '70s-'80s band or whether one can really claim that a "Hey/hey! You/you!" call and response in re: a significant other is really something an artist can lay claim to. While the phrases do sound similar, the Rubinoos' buried that portion of their song in their chorus whereas Lavigne made it her hook; meanwhile, nothing else about the songs sound alike. While it's difficult to defend Lavigne just because she (like the song) can come off as bratty, "Girlfriend" took advantage of a catchy hook better than the Rubinoos did, whereas the similarities stop and end at "girlfriend/boyfriend."

THE CULPRIT: In the early 1970s, Johnny Cash paid Gordon Jenkins a settlement of approximately $75,000 for "borrowing" liberally from Jenkins' 1953 song "Crescent City Blues" for Cash's 1955 hit "Folsom Prison Blues."

MAKING THE CASE: This may be the most blatant case of rip-offery in famous music plagiarism (sampling aside) and hence is hard to defend. Johnny Cash practically copied Jenkins' song in its entirety, and, to add insult to injury, a scene involving Cash "writing" the song appeared in the biopic Walk the Line. Cash was lucky in this case that he was Johnny Cash and the song he wrote was "Folsom County Blues," a badass recording from a badass man, because if it were any other guy or any other song, he'd rightfully be known as a ripoff punk.

*Of course, this is all tongue in cheek. Having been plagiarized myself, I can say for certain than stealing people's work is, yes, wrong.

(Photo by Daehyun Park)

Feather
"Comfortable and spongy."

Synthetic
"Ideal for those who are allergic to feathers."

Soft
"Soft and spongy adapting perfectly to head and neck."

Medium
"Its medium firmness provides a pleasant night's rest."

Hard
"Compact, balancing both comfort and hardness."

Latex
"Made of anti-allergic latex, provides a comfortable rest. It is highly beneficial for the cervical."

Cervical Synthetic
"For a perfect rest of your cervical."

Cervical Thermal
"Made of special thermo sensitive material, it offers a relaxed sleep."

(AP/Charles Rex Abrogast)

A dunk from Benny the Bull, the Chicago team's mascot.

Last night I attended my first Bulls game in several years (wouldn't you know it, I picked a bad one.) In the old, Michael-Jordan days, Benny the Bull was an innocuous mascot who amused children, perhaps sometimes made slam dunks off a trampoline, and entertained the crowd, albeit in a tertiary, sub-Luv-a-Bulls way. Last night though it became clear that the Benny of 2012 has a whole new 'tude, one that I was not prepared for. Here are some of his personality aspects that may prevent him from running for office in the future:

Benny is very influential.
Apparently last night was Benny's birthday, and all the ticket takers and Luv-A-Bulls were wearing birthday hats in his honor.

Benny fraternizes with the mascots of other teams.
A coyote, a wolf and a few other forgettable fuzzy mascots were in attendance for his big day. They rappelled down from the ceiling, which seemed very dangerous.

Benny cheats.
During the halftime entetainment, when he competed against his other mascots, Benny broke the rules, which did not seem very sportsmanlike.

Benny is wasteful.
Benny dumped several giant bags of popcorn on a lady's head.

Benny is a bit of a pervert.
During our time at the game, Benny violently made out with a Luv-A-Bull, absconded with a fan on his back, and, on the Jumbo-Tron, flashed from behind a raincoat one of the Wizards who was making a free throw.

Make no mistake about it, this was all highly entertaining but at the same time, it makes me wonder about how Staley and Southpaw will attempt to keep up with these shenanigans in the future. I hope we don't have any Britney Spears-type mascot meltdowns in the future.

(Flickr/Roger Zender)

I was intrigued to see the new food items rolled out this season at Sox Park, but was perturbed that once again, the team did not consult with me before making any decisions. Had the White Sox floated these ideas by me first, these would have been my notes.

• Balkan Dog, a casing-less combination of pork, beef and lamb, served with diced white onions and a zesty red pepper and eggplant sauce on pita bread. It is a well-loved favorite in Eastern Europe.

I'm not sure about this one. It sounds delicious but also a little difficult to pronounce not to mention figure out why you'd get this instead of a hot dog or Polish or Italian sausage. Could we instead try rolling this out in meatball form and call them Balkan Bases on Balls?

• Burger Barn - Offering "DaBurger Double Play" and the "Juicy Lucy." DaBurger is a pork patty topped with cheddar, bacon, BBQ sauce and caramelized onions or with produce and your choice of condiments. The Juicy Lucy is stuffed with bacon and cheddar or jalapeno and cream cheese.

This sounds like instant death, and also delicious.

• Owl's Nest - Chicken wings tossed in Hooters' wing sauce. Your choice of medium, hot and honey Thai served with celery and choice of blue cheese or ranch dressing.

Sure, people like wings, but is this really ballpark food? I'm picturing hot sauce smeared everywhere and chicken bones littering the ground. Can we make this boneless, and/or put it on some sort of a bun?

• Chicken Sandwich - All natural, free-range chicken breast grilled and served as a sandwich. Esteemed vendor Coleman Natural Foods provides chicken that has never been treated with hormones, antibiotics or preservatives.

Zzzz. Not even a fun name? Like the Don COOPer sandwich?

• Irish Nacho Helmet - French fries topped with cheese, sour cream, bacon and chives. Served in a kelly green souvenir helmet.

Here's the thing about Nacho Helmets. The stadium needs to install special Helmet Washing Out Stations. There is way too much shredded lettuce and nacho cheese lingering in the drains of the ladies' rooms.

• Bases Loaded Sundae - A funnel cake topped with three scoops of soft serve ice cream, loaded with chocolate, nuts and other toppings. Served in our famous Batterman souvenir helmet.

Can we possibly fry this?

• DaBurger Triple Play - A pork patty topped with cheddar, bacon, pulled pork, BBQ sauce and caramelized onions. Asian Burger also available.

Why is the Asian burger getting marginalized with no descriptor? And why isn't it getting called Fukudomadness or something?

• Smashers - Handheld twist on the Panini, served with dipping sauces.

This makes no sense. Handheld? How else is a panini served? Also, no offense but a panini seems a little bit North Side, if you know what I mean.

• The Sloppy Jane - Vegan twist to a classic favorite. Tempeh, peppers and onions, with molasses and brown sugar barbecue sauce, served on a vegan wheat bun.

I see possibly ten of these getting sold throughout the entirety of the season, but nice idea anyway.

Some other ideas to consider:

• Pierogi Triple Play. Why not? Chicago's a Polish town and Bridgeport a historically Polish neighborhood.
• Kill the ice cream of the future. The future is here and it sure don't look like tiny dots of ice cream. Let's go back to the drawing board on this one.
• Arnold Palmers. Just a thought!
• A bucket of fried cheese curds. Look at the menu items above. Are we too proud for this or something?