Today I interview a person who I think is an example of why it's not rude to ask a person what he or she does for a living. You're at a boring party, you meet someone who says she's from a town called Boring, OR. You ask her what she does and she tells you she's a mortician and a dance instructor on the side, and also she is a published author too. BO-RING. Anyway, Elizabeth Fournier is obviously interesting in and of her own right but now she is also at the forefront of green burials. It was not hard to come up with questions to ask her.

Either in film, books, or fine art, what have been some of your favorite artistic renderings of death?
I absolutely love the dramatic moment on a lonely highway in New Mexico which was snapped by Ansel Adams in 1941. "Moonrise, Hernandez" perfectly captures the luminance of moon. I pulled into a 7-11 in San Jose, California about ten years back and was approached by two young men selling prints out of the back of a car. Prices were excellent so I took a gander. I immediate spotted it -- the white clouds, the moon in a black sky, and especially the sea of white gravestones.

It currently is watching over me as I work in my parlour office. I have learned that Mr. Adams was driving down Highway 285 later one afternoon and suddenly slammed the breaks on his old Pontiac station wagon to get the shot. It was in the moment, just like my purchase at 7-11 that day.

What have been some of the on-the-job goings-on that you've gotten used to that the average person would find creepy? Other than hanging out with dead people.
Many years ago I was vacuuming in the slumber room and backed into the decedent lying in that room. She wasn't in a casket, but on her personal couch since that was the family's preference. The family had taken about ten days to decide on arrangements, so she wasn't in the best condition. The funeral directors tried to help her deteriorated state by strategically positioning her on the couch, but I just happened to bump her at her weakest link. My vacuuming was cut short due to the fact part of her arm landed in my path. My brother loves that story!

Do you listen to music/podcasts while you work? What do you prefer?
Sunny 1550 AM. I adore stations which tout "the music of your life." Tony Bennett has always been my imaginary boyfriend, and whenever I have to deal with something unpleasant, I am mentally cruising down Pacific Coast Highway on a sunny day in a light-blue Ford Fairlane with the top down, singing loudly to all my favorite show tunes played by Ken Denko and his Hammond B3 in my back seat.

What have been some of the most unusual requests you've received from clients or families of clients?
I've decorated fingernails to resemble the Ten Commandments, made sure a casket was painted Fire Engine red for a former fire chief, and organized a small-top circus performance for a funeral.

What do your colleagues in the funeral think of the literary direction you've taken your career?
I had a book signing when it was first released at the Chapel Pub in Portland, Oregon, which is an old funeral home turned into a bar and restaurant. Many death care industry colleagues came out and stood in line for an autographed book. I was more than touched.

When it comes to green burials, who are your most interested clients at this point--are you able to see any trends in terms of age, income, lifestyle, etc?
Embracing and driving the green burial movement are the Baby Boomers. Those 78 million Americans born in the two decades following the end of World War II ushered in the first Earth Day and natural childbirth; they wrote their own wedding vows and nurtured the organic food revolution. This is the age demographic calling me to chat, request information, and in fact, choose green burial.

What's been the nicest memorial you've attended lately? What made it special?
Wanda's service pops right to mind. Her friends and family played drums, chanted and spoke of her kindness. We all held hands to form a circle around her newly dug resting place, and stood in silence as her three sons lowered her gently into the ground. Her tiny frame was cloaked with a quilt she had made as a teenager. Soon the plain grave was covered with earth, with a knoll of dirt on top to compensate for settling that will happen over time. There was no marker, just native foliage. After a closing prayer we feasted on fish caught in the local Clackamas River.

This beautiful experience opened my eyes to the fact that burying loved ones at home can help people through the grieving process by adding an immense amount of joy in caring the body of their loved one on their terms. This intimate time for the family allows privacy in saying goodbye, and also provides a convenient place to visit their beloved.

What are some elements you'd love to see included (or hate) in your own memorial service?
I want my loved ones to do anything that makes them feel full of peace. And maybe have Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes!

Careerwise, what do you think you'd be doing if you weren't a mortician (or writer or dancer)?
My childhood fantasy was to be a Solid Gold Dancer, but that dream is now up in smoke with the dissolve of the program, and possibly some of my technique. I have always had a hankering for topography. We are all map nerds in my family,

What's the hardest dance to teach, and is it also the hardest dance to learn?
Tango is earthy and dramatic. Tango movements have a "stalking" or "sneaking" character, are unlike the walks of other ballroom dances. Movements are sometimes slow and slithery, and other times sharp and staccato, such as a quick foot flick or a sharp head snap to promenade position. Tango has the same counter clockwise flow of movement around the dance floor, but with a lesser sense of urgency in comparison to the smoother and more continuous ballroom dances.

Dancing tango consists primarily of walking progressing in a line of dance around the dance floor, with the walk interrupted with stops and turns and changes of direction, all the time connecting one's movements to the rhythm of the music. Although there are a few small sequences of 'steps' that students learn when they start tango, as they advance their dance becomes more improvisational, with a turn or change in direction possible at every step, i.e., their dance progresses towards greater creativity in using small dance elements, i.e., improvisation, instead of moving towards complex memorized figures.

And explaining how dancing works in the real world is tricky with this dance. Practicing in a controlled environment, such as a classroom or empty ballroom, doesn't always bring aspects like floor craft and etiquette into play.

Are you working on other book projects? On what subjects?
Yes. I am working with a management team to move All Men Are Cremated Equal: My 77 Blind Dates into script form for film development, and I am writing my second manuscript which is a continuum of my prior book. I have now married and live with my family in Boring, Oregon where we own and run the funeral home.

So, Halloween haunted house-wise, how much do eyeballs really feel like peeled grapes?
Ha! I know nothing of that arena. My last haunted house visit was as a child. The Enchanted Forest outside of Salem, Oregon still spooks me as I drive by. The old, spooky house can barely be seen through the tree line, but I know it is there, waiting to scare the pants off me.

Incidentally, one of the most well-known exhibits in the park is the Witch's Head. Kids enter through the witch's mouth, and inside is a little scene with the witch preparing a poisoned apple for Snow White. Once petrified, children can exit down a slide in the witch's hair.

How did the town of Boring get its name?
It's a rather boring story. The community was named after W. H. Boring, an early resident of the area. Boring was platted in 1903 as "Boring Junction". The post office was established and named "Boring" the same year, and the builders of the interurban railway adopted Boring as the name of the community.

I do love the jokes. I never get tired of the funny looks, the caller on the other end of the line asking me to repeat myself, or late-night TV making fun of it.

How does it feel to be the 251st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Scrumptious!

ME: Is it weird that every time I'm near a cop and I see his gun, I automatically wonder about pulling it out of his holster?

STEVE: No.

ME: How come?

STEVE: Because everybody thinks that.

Also on the bill is multiple award-winning author Jaimee Wriston Colbert, who reads a short selection from her new novel, "Shark Girls."

As always, we're in the back room at Sheffield's, 3258 N. Sheffield Ave. There's a $3 cover. Grab a seat, a cocktail and a bite to eat at 7 p.m. Readings begin at 7:30 p.m. You're welcome to stick around for cocktails and conversation with the authors and audience after the event.

**********

Meanwhile in addition to covering Idol for the AV Club, I wrote a piece for TV.com on why "RuPaul's Drag Race" is superior to "America's Next Top Model." Finally, Chicago, the next Funny Ha-Ha is a week away! If you want to join the Facebook fun, the invite is here.

Micki Musick (Miss Rodeo Arkansas)

Brooklynn Chester (Miss Rodeo New Mexico)

Jessinta Hammer (Miss Rodeo North Dakota)

Devin Felger (Miss Rodeo Texas)

Charla Wacker (Miss Rodeo Virginia)

Then I emerge onstage, wearing a luxurious coat made of live minks, all writhing and baring their teeth but not harming me in any way. I am wearing a wig made out of spun gold and I am wearing George Washington's wooden teeth. My backup dancers, trained babies, emerge and form in a circle around me and I begin singing my song (TBD). Madonna comes out for a cameo, mostly to tell me that I am the new her and she is sorry for what she did to her face.

At the bridge of the song, I take off my coat, put on a pair of rollerskates, set myself on fire and then skate through the audience, who is delighted to learn that my fire is actually cotton candy.

Then Elton John comes out, tells me I look fabulous, and goes back in his hole.

Then I segue into my next song (to be written) and live on-camera I unhinge my jaw and eat an entire deer made of Swarovski crystals while Slash accompanies me on a guitar made of Lady Gaga's discarded wigs. Eminem comes out and makes me an omelet.

Finally, at the climax of the song, the stadium walls open up and I ascend into Heaven, to be seated at the right hand of Britney Spears.

Balloon drop.

How much rehearsing do you ladies need to do per video?
Alie: As much as I'd love to boast that we work with a drama instructor and a dialect coach weeks prior, the fact is that we generally write the script the day before, and we run through each segment right before the take. Oftentimes, we'll tweak a line, or improvise some ridiculousness that ends up making it into the final cut. And the reactions to the first sips of the drink are always (painfully) genuine.

Georgia: We've made four videos so far and each one has been a learning experience. For the first video, the infamous McNuggetini, we pretty much just showed up without a script and spent the day perfecting it in front of the camera. That shoot ended up taking about 8 hours, so the next time we were a bit more prepared with a script in tow. A lot of our dialogue tends to include some ad-libbing though, and naturally get funnier as we sample whatever spirits we're utilizing throughout the day.

The settings are so great: who does the set design?
A: "Set design" involves Georgia busting out her drool-worthy collection of antiques, mixed in with whatever's handy at the location. We've shot in Georgia's 92-year old Grandmother's lovely Los Angeles home (McNuggetini), in Georgia's apartment (Ham Daq) and in my 1913 Craftsman apartment, in front of a built in cabinet that had a few of my biology specimens thrown in for scholastic ambiance. We'd originally kept more of my bug collection in frame, but between the tomato soup based cocktail and a bacon rimjob, we figured it was best to keep the set decor as non-gross as possible on that one.

What's your hangover cure?
A: I swear by B-Vitamins and lots of water the night before, though Georgia's hangover cure probably involves something more remedially greasy. Also: a lot of it is what you're drinking. When I'm not gulping down mouthfuls of liquified meat, I'm a fan of flavored quality vodka and club soda, which is refreshing, hydrating and generally hangover-free. (My first-ever signature drink is a Stoli vanilla and soda with a cherry, which my friends mocked mercilessly and dubbed a 'Wardscicle'...then started ordering it themselves because it is delicious delicious nectar of the gods and it never leaves you wanting to die in the morning.)

G: I love a good bowl of won ton soup when I've tied one on, but I usually just end up eating fast food and feeling god-awful for the rest of the day. Learning from my mistakes is not my strong suit. Honestly, sometimes I think I get hung-over on purpose so I'll have an excuse to skip the yogurt and fruit and eat the crap I usually avoid for breakfast (see: sausage egg McMuffins, hash browns, anything covered in hollandaise sauce).

With the attention you got with the first videos, do you feel pressure to put out more?
A: There's certainly a pressure to deliver videos in a timely manner before the fan base you've drawn moves on to another YouTube channel or meme-of-the-moment. Without a budget to hire a crew, our first videos have relied on the favors of very generous friends. We have plenty of ideas and excitement about shooting, but its a matter of begging friends to give a few days to help craft a video and teach us how to use Final Cut. Now that there's been a following and media attention, we're getting offers to create a series of videos, with a budget, which is both a relief to us -- and our friends.

G: Yes! Although the attention was completely unexpected, we've since been pressuring ourselves to keep up the momentum. I think we both have a fear that everything is going to come crashing to our feet and we're going to end up as bitter old ladies, surrounded by feral cats, talking about our 15 minutes of Internet fame.

When it comes to classic drink ingredients, what's a liquor that you wished you liked but just couldn't get into?
A: Excellent question. I have always regretted my falling out with tequila. We had a good relationship for a few hours once, but it took a turn for the worst and we've not been civil terms with each other since. I also once had the misfortune of drinking Gilby's gin mixed with room-temperature Pepsi. Classic gin martinis still present a taste hurdle for me.

G: Oh how I loathe gin. It tastes like sucking on one of those pine tree air fresheners you hang on your rear view mirror. I love a good dirty martini, but sadly, I have to stick with vodka martinis which makes me feel like an inferior woman.

You go out, you get a little hammered, you come home. What do you eat for dinner?
A: Well, in East Los Angeles, there are burrito trucks studding nearly every street corner. So if it's late, and dinner has yet to be had, Taco Zone or the Logan Street Truck might get paid a visit en route to home. There is nothing like a burrito the size of a cat at 2 in the morning.

G: My absolute favorite late-night, slightly tipsy snack is a corn tortilla with refried beans, tons of cheese, and salsa, thrown in the toaster oven till it's almost burnt. It's melty and crispy and perfect. Follow that with Nutella spooned into my maw straight from the container, and I'm in heaven.

What's on your daily blogroll?
A: I usually make the rounds on the news feeds, like LA Times, NY Times, CNN, Daily Beast, Google News. Then if I need a brain break mid workday, I tend to surf through friends' Tumblrs, like Georgia's (natch) Jonah Ray's, Peter Atencio's, Tess Lynch, Molls and yes, even Boner Party for fashion inspiration.

G: See Alie's answer, but also add my strange obsession with so-called "mom blogs". The Sphors Are Multiplying, Better Now, All & Sundry. I guess I'm just fascinated by lives that are the complete antithesis of mine, seeing as I'm happily, selfishly single and childless. I also have a group of fellow 20-something female bloggers that I have been reading for years: Hillary With Two L's, Nothing But Bonfires, Diary of Why, Hope Dies Last. I have one of those boring office jobs that allows me plenty of time for web-surfing, so my blog reading is much more prolific than Alie's.

What's the next ingredient you'd like to center a drink around?
A: We just made a beverage with chocolate sauce and Godiva liqueur, but I'm trying to convince Georgia to make a Yerba Mate latte cocktail that's sweet and earthy tasting, but also keeps you wired like the liquid crack that it is. Redbull's not nothing on yerba mate tea. It is nature's methamphetamine. Trust.

G: I heard a rumor that someone is coming out with bubble gum vodka. That sounds just awful enough to work.

What have been some of your favorite adjectives used to describe your drinks?
A: "Revolting cocktails," coined by NYT writer Douglas Quenqua was particularly thrilling, mainly because I assume it was a nod to Al Jourgensen/industrial music.

G: Back before we had made the video, and the McNuggetini was just a photo essay on my blog, someone linked the post with the description "two semi bangable chicks make a McNuggetini". "Semi bangable" has become one of our favorite descriptions, and we use it to describe situations, food, dudes, and ourselves when we're having a particularly fug day.

Alie, what have you been working on lately for the Times?
I'm a staff writer at the LA Times, and write for the Calendar section as well as write a few weekly columns for their publication Brand X, which is published by the Times and aimed at the late-20s demographic. Before taking a full time job as a staffer at the Times, I was a writer for the LA Weekly, and authored a weekly column called "The Mental Ward," which chronicled my adventures and pitfalls exploring the LA art and music scene. My bosses at one point tried to get my title changed to "Professional Leisureist" because it was my duty to go out several nights a week and report back.

What's the most interesting thing you've eaten/drank in the last week?
A: I'll start by telling you the least interesting: At 8pm on Saturday night, I found myself alone in a Del Taco wearing sweatpants and eating a veggie burrito. Country music was playing over the tinny PA. I was the only one in the restaurant. I realized that I was turning into Liz Lemon. As for the most interesting: I actually tried a gluten-free, vegan agave-sweetened cupcake from Babycakes, which just opened at LA outpost. It was not at all disgusting, which pleasantly shocked me.

G: I was *this* close to ordering the rattlesnake and rabbit sausage at our local sausage joint yesterday, but went with the comparably tame mango jalapeno chicken sausage instead. Pity, as that would make for a good story. For the sake of this interview, can we go back in time a couple weeks to the delicious dinner I had at Animal, where I dined on seared foie gras that was sitting atop a biscuit and a sweet and savory pool of maple sausage gravy? It was ethereal...and my stomach is growling now.

What's next for you ladies?
A: Right now we're in talks with a few production companies to develop a show for network TV, and we're thisclose to finalizing the paperwork to start shooting a series of online videos for a network that deals with food (I'll let you piece that together.) We also have an iPhone application coming out for This Is Why You're Fat, plus an offer for a book deal. At this point, we don't sleep much. (Note: I'm writing this at 2am on a weeknight. And I've already told you how my Saturday night went.)

How does it feel to be the 249th and 250th people interviewed for Zulkey.com?
A: In a word: thrilling. [I'm a fan of The Zulkey, and to be included with 250 others is an honor.]

Who looks good

Who looks bad

Who looks stupid (IE picking at face, etc--not something TV-ready)

Who looks salty

What is he/she saying? (Lipreading)

Who is clapping too much

Who's not clapping at all

Who obviously hates being there

Who's going to die next?

What would I wear if I were there?

Is he still talking?

What, exactly, are animal-themed parodies of fashion magazines, you ask? Oh, just a little thing called Vanity Fur. Or, for the modern gal, Catmopolitan. Or, for the fashion-oriented dog-loving woman, Dogue. Or, for the man in the know, CQ (Canine Quarterly). Or, for people who loved teddy bears dressed up in lingerie, Harper's Bear-zaar.

I enjoyed these magazines, as a youngster, because they had all the glamor of real fashion magazines (including parodies of the ads, such as the Blackglama ones, and to this day I have a hard time wrapping my head around the phrase "What becomes a Legend most?" What?) but instead of boring humans, animals! There were also articles titled things like "The Fur Is Flying," featuring Christian LaClaw and Yves Saint Bernard "fighting like cats and dogs to lead the fashion pack." (These totally went over my head but they featured stuff like animals wearing hats and glasses. What else could you want?

I completely forgot about these magazines until yesterday when, on Facebook, I noted that we have inexplicably begun receiving Cat Fancy at my house and my friend Lauren admitted to reading Catmopolitan as a girl, along with various and sundry real animal magazines (she had a horse; she had it all). Then the memories came flooding back to me, and I realize, for the first time, how a.) weird it is that these magazines were made, and b.) that I owned them.

I was so excited to learn that I was not the only person who got to enjoy the heady, heady times of animal-themed parodies of fashion magazines. This made me wonder: how widespread indeed were these publications? If you enjoyed them, or knew of any others that existed, please let me know, and your fondest memory of them.

"45 Famous Fictional Felines"

"Mr. Personality"

"Who's That Cat?"

"Life's Purrfect"

"They've Got Cattitude!"

"Cool Cats"

"The CATalyst"

DON'T: Eat so much brisket yourself that you must spread your limbs akimbo on the couch in order to give your stomach optimal spreading-out in order to let the food settle, all the while groaning.

Apparently that is not a turn-on.

What was it about the SELF article that you published helped you complete your book?
The SELF article was about the time I thought I killed a woman with a grocery cart. A really kind editor read it and got in touch with me. She thought there was a bigger story there. There was; I just wasn't sure I was ready to write it.

Which parts of Amen, Amen, Amen were most difficult to write well or accurately?
Actually, the more recent history was the hardest. I still have many parts of myself that feel unresolved.

What are some of your favorite memoirs?
Great question. There are so many. I loved Susanna Sonnenberg's Her Last Death and Ishmael Beah's A Long Way Gone. Mary Karr and Jeanette Walls. I loved Drinking, A Love Story too. It takes a lot to get me to read fiction these days.

Do you find yourself being extra sensitive to noticing any potential signs of OCD in your daughter? How do you maintain a balance between being vigilant and not being paranoid?
Wow, that's a doozy. Yes, I am definitely aware of her, especially because she's in this delicious imitative phase being one year old. She's made this kissing sound to echo me when I kiss the mezuzah, and I had a book that I had to kiss for a while, so I put it away instead of reading it to her. I also work very hard to eat something with her so she sees us enjoying food together. Really, so I see that too :-)

Did you receive any negative reactions from friends or colleagues after you published the book? I know its subject matter came as a surprise to many of them.
The hardest thing I've experienced from friends and/or family is silence. It makes me a little nuts to imagine what they're thinking...

Did you talk to your family very much about the book before you published it or they learned about it when they read it?
Except for my husband, I think it was a surprise to most of my family.

For your next book, do you feel a sense to either depart from or maintain the seriousness of the subject matter in Amen, Amen, Amen?
I'm really trying to write something lighter. Especially fiction. But a lot of my characters have dark pasts. I guess we all do.

What's it like to see a reading guide for your book? Which of the questions you've seen are your favorites or seem strangest?
That's funny, someone just told me tonight about a reading guide in Oprah. Which is hilarious to me. I did get to approve the questions for the publisher's reading guide, but I think it was such an out of body experience that I decided I was talking about Abby the character, not me.

Do you have any readers come up to you and tell you about their own experiences with OCD, cutting or eating disorders? How do you handle them?
This is probably the greatest part about publishing. I've had some remarkable emails from people all over telling me their experiences with OCD. It's truly humbling. And I am so grateful that people have reached out like that. I do have a resource section at the end of my book and hopefully some new helpful links will be on my website soon, but I still wonder how much more i could help. There was a caller on a talk show I did whom I just wanted to reach out and hold. She was so brave and it hurt so much to hear her pain.

What's the last thing you prayed for?
The walk home from the subway.

Since your book was given props in O and you were on Tyra, you are probably the best person to answer this: will Tyra be the new Oprah?
Don't think so. Unless Oprah becomes the new Conan.

Seriously, tell me something about Tyra.
You can publish this: she is incredibly gorgeous and her legs are as long as a sedan. Just between you and me: [redacted].

Are you planning on writing another Young Adult book? What on?
I am hoping to. The book I have in mind is called Sssssh and it's about a family of secrets.

How did you come to publish a YA book before your memoir or, say, a humor book?
It was really a fun coinkidink. An editor at Scholastic read an essay of mine in the newspaper and called me. I went to grade school with her and we talked about writing young adult stuff. The next thing I knew I had an assignment to write a winter romance.

Who are some of your favorite funny females?
Gilda, Gilda and Gilda. Rachel Dratch. Stephnie Weir. Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey.

How does it feel to be the 248th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Delicious. An honor. Thank you so much.

IN: Wrapping a textured thin belt over a long jacket.
OUT: Cocoon coats.

IN: Feminine petals for a finishing touch.
OUT: Liberty-print-fabric bracelets and necklaces.

IN: Neon-hued accents.
OUT: Heavy velvet shoes.

IN: Feminine finishes.
OUT: Overtly masculine menswear.

It's fun to come up with your own, I've learned:

IN: Structured jackets
OUT: Tiny straw hats

In: Ruffled blouses
OUT: Chainmail

IN: Big, bold jewelry
OUT: Dead rats worn on a string

IN: Architectural High heels
OUT: Flip-flops found abandoned on the beach

IN: Higher hemlines
OUT: Adult diapers

IN: Small, tasteful purses
OUT: A big metal filing case that you drag behind you on a dolly

Try it yourself!

The very first time I heard about Heidi Montag, it was for her plastic surgery a few years ago. It was so weird to hear someone TALKING about her plastic surgery and not just looking different and claiming she's eating vegan now or something. At the same time it was weird to hear someone admit her insecurities to the public. I don't like the way I look. I am changing it.

So that's how I heard of her and I honestly had a hard time picking out which the "before" and "after" Heidis were sometimes. All that hoopla and she merely upgraded from ordinary to bland. She looks like a sheet of white paper to me either way.

Anyway, it seemed like she was laying low lately, and it's been revealed that it's because she was getting massive amounts of NEW plastic surgery. Once again, she's talking about how much she loves the surgery, even while Billy Bush tries to convince her that getting old and withering away (she's 23) is awesome (leave her alone, Billy! Like everyone else you interview is so normal.) She LOVES plastic surgery, as an innovation and for how it makes her happier about herself. Weird, but at least she's honest.

But this is the bad part--all this round of surgery has made her look like she's had plastic surgery (just google her and you'll see pictures). Fake eyes. Fake lips. Fake cheeks. Like a doll. Plastic surgery fail. The whole point, I thought, of plastic surgery, was to make yourself look like a subtly nicer version of yourself. Looking like you had obvious work done is pretty freaky, at least to most of the population. It's just sad to me that Heidi didn't have another shot to make a subtle change. Instead she got greedy, went from ordinary to bland to OK to kinda pretty and then maybe full-on pretty and THEN to the tweaked-up old lady stage. She skipped most of the steps.

But here is the sick part--that is also the most awesome part, let's be honest. At the rate she's going she's going to look like Joan Rivers when she's 35. So while the whole thing is kind of sad, I look forward to seeing how this all plays out. And if she really enjoys it, I don't think it's that bad to enjoy it too.

coming up with a plot for my book (easy!)

sleeping

donating money to Haiti

not thinking about tomorrow night's dinner