December 9, 2004
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Today is the day to sleep with the windows open.

What do you consider yourself OCD about? Read this and email your weirdness to me..

Steve D. Sounds Off on Holiday Crybabies

Hey there, it's me, Steve D., here to sound off like a bat out of h-e-double-hockey-sticks (I'm talking about hell here, people!). I don't have much time today, unfortunately, as we're having our big holiday party here at the rendering plant at which I toil daily. It's sure to be a lively event, from my co-worker John P.'s annual drink-so-much-eggnog-he-pretends-he's-Rudolph-which-usually-results-in-a-few-broken-limbs hilarity, to that new girl, Jenny T., who is sure to be the object of many angry drunken stares (she knows why). So it's sure to be a fun time, and for yours truly, well, I plan on spending at least fifteen minutes there.

You know, speaking of the holidays, for today's topic, I'd like to sound off on those idiots who get depressed around the holidays. You know the types: those morons who complain about not having their family around to be with, or not having enough money to buy the kids what they want from Santa, or people in hospitals. Bunch of dingbats in my book. Everyone knows the holidays are only for people who fit into the following criteria, as expressed here using conditional language:

All people who have holidays are:
- All people who are happy
- All people who have families
- All people who have money
Anyone else is just itching for a fight when they come up to me to complain about their holiday woes, getting all weepy when they hear "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (you know who you are, Jenny T.). So do us all a favor, lest ye be sounded off upon again, and, for the rest of the month, hole yourself up in your dank and rusty apartment, keep the lights low, and don't phone me, no matter how badly you need some milk (again, focused at you, Jenny T.)

Yours in holiday cheer!
- Steve D.

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