August
14,
2003
permanent
link
Today
is the day to tell someone you just met that you still love them after all
these years.
So yestiddy I did my
Wednesday thing, ranking ways of shopping, but unfortunately, due to my personal
experience, I was only able to recall it from the female perspective. I asked
the guys to rank for me their ways of shopping and they did, they really
did. Thanks, guys! I'll buy you a shirt for Christmas.
Rank: Ways of Shopping (for boys)
- From Eric Wrisley:
Fire shopping. All of your clothes smell like an ashtray because the woman
downstairs "likes candles, and, well, she's a drinker." (per the
landlord, the day after the fire) You need something to wear while you wash
everything you own for the 30th time. You buy a pair of jeans, a shirt,
underwear and socks in one trip. Downside: you house caught fire, is there
an upside?
- Shoe shopping with a guy friend. You get to explain to him the things
to look for in a quality shoe. You help him find a pair of identical shoes
in brown and black, for versatility. You get to say, "Those look snazzy!"
and mean it, and then argue about the color of his pants (definitely green,
not gray). You ask the store manager if they're hiring, explaining that
you know a lot about shoes, for a straight guy. Downside: You're shoe shopping
with another man - you look like you're "together."
- Divorce shopping: your wife kicks you out with only the
clothes on your back. You go to the discount store and buy the first $1.99
t-shirt and and $3.49 pair of shorts you see. You hope they "match."
Downside: self evident, isn't it?
- Mom does the shopping. You go to your mother's house and she says, "Here,
I bought these pants for you. Try them on." You say, "They'll
fit." If they do, then they become a part of your wardrobe. Downside:
If they don't fit, then they go to the back of the closet waiting go to
Goodwill.
From Tyson Tune:
- Boys only go to the mall with something in mind. If I show up at the
store, I know what I want and I know what size I need. The best shopping
for boys is the kind where no one bothers you and preferably no one even
talks to you. Trying on clothes is strictly optional and mostly for the
weak.
- Gadget shopping is the best. I know gadgets aren't really clothes, but
anything that fits in my pocket and carries my entire music collection is
cool and fun to shop for. The downside is that gadget shopping encourages
smarmy salesmen to talk to you about the gadgets.
From David Mogolov:
- Accidentally: Stumbling onto the thing you probably need without having
to make an effort is by far the best. For example, you've been complaining
about your uncomfortable shoes for a long time, and you realize you're standing
outside a shoe store and are five minutes early to meet somebody.
- Shopping for computer peripherals and audio equipment. I know this is
a male cliche, and it makes me sad, but even though I don't care about stereo
equipment or photo scanners, a certain excitement payload drops into my
bloodstream when I walk through a store that sells such equipment. There
must be some evolutionary reason for this, but I can't imagine the benefit.
- Online. Things bought online are more likely to be impulse buys or completely
unnecessary, but you don't feel the guilt you might if you'd actually walked
into a store to buy the same crap. Then you get to wait for a package, and
that anticipation is always good.
- Groceries. Shopping for groceries is always amazing. I always discover
a new type of food or something. And I like food.
- Shopping for jeans. Men and women have this in common. There's nothing
good about jeans shopping; the ones you like no longer exist, nothing available
is comfortable or familiar, and really, they're just jeans. Why do they
change? Isn't life complicated enough?
From Tung Le:
- Shopping for porn. The arousal derived from actually watching purchased
porn is matched only by the arousal derived from ogling naked women degrading
themselves in a hundred different fashions on the covers of the DVDs and
magazines in the adult shop in which you are purchasing said porn. Downside:
Loser. What, you don't have a girlfriend?
- Gizmo shopping. Let's say you just purchased a new DVD ("Zulkey Does
Chicago"). It looks kinda grainy on your nine-month-old DVD player.
It also skipped once. The DVD player must be broken. Going to Best Buy or
Circuit City to examine twenty different brands in thirty different models
and finally deciding on that DVD/VCR/TV/Toaster combo you spotted in a newspaper
flyer -- well, that feeling is like God smiling at you and giving you a
thumbs up. Downside: Technology changes so quickly that by the time you
reach your car carrying your new gadgets, they're
outdated and the porn is still kinda grainy.
- Shopping for your girlfriend/spouse. The upside is that gifts usually
equals sex that night, except you're too stupid to actually buy something
that she would have remotely wanted. Downside: Women usually don't accept
porn as a present for them.
- Shopping for underwear. Buying underwear is like an annual prostate exam
-- you know that theoretically you need to do it more often than you do
but that doesn't make the experience any more enjoyable. The upside is that
underwear shopping is easy since you always buy the same Hanes size 32 briefs
(3 pack). Downside: Seriously, loser. Tightie whities? Maybe this is why
you don't have a girlfriend. [Editor's note: I was going to touch upon
underwear shopping yesterday, but I wanted to keep it decent. All I can
say is that it is only marginally more fun than jeans shopping.]
From Steve Gozdecki: (for self-conscious
single guys in their early 30s)
- Online: When you know what you like, and don’t mind saving a few
bucks while getting it in the color and size you want. Downside: Upon arrival,
item may vary slightly from small .jpeg image on computer screen. Not unlike
Internet dating, really.
- At the outlet mall: Did I mention I don’t like paying a lot for clothes?
Downside: Some -- if not most -- items may be “irregular.”
- Catalog: See online, above. Downside: Half the time when you call your
order in, the items you want are back-ordered
- At the mall: Oh, the variety — if you’re a teen. Downside: teens
look at you funny, especially when the power-walking seniors trample over
you. Even the ones with walkers.
- On the Magnificent Mile: Helloooo, genuinely helpful customer service.
Negative: good bye, next few paychecks.
- With the significant other: She may know what colors you look good in,
but the actual items she’ll pick out tend to leave something to be
desired. “No, I really think you’d look good in a bomber jacket,
rugby shirt, khakis and Chuck Taylors. Especially if we put some product
in your hair.”
Read
Diary Archives
Click here for
an archive of "Today is the day to..." compliments of Ben Hubbard.
Go shopping.
All original work on this site is copyright 2002-03, Claire
Zulkey
