August 12, 2003
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Today is the day to drink Hypnotique.

The Black Table has a great new feature, and I contribute with my two cents on Atkins bars.

Guest Listmaker: Meghan Haynes
List: "Productive Post-Breakup Activities"

• Buy 3 new pairs of gym shoes, 3 new pairs of work/casual shoes
• Replace the sagging, unattractive curtain rod left behind by the previous male tenant with a new one that matches your bed frame perfectly
• Purchase a new wicker hamper for dirty clothes storage
• Remove ex from all IM buddy lists
• Travel out-of-state on business
• Rent movies and/or steal them from your mother's house. Watch the same movie everyday for a week
• Wake up at 3 AM; give yourself an impromptu pedicure
• Always sleep as late as possible (or as late as your schedule will allow)
• Field a seemingly endless stream of IMs, emails, phone calls & face-to-face chats with friends and family concerned about your situation; initiate twice as many IMs, emails, phone calls & heart-to-hearts to cry, whimper, plead, bitch & moan because your heart's been broken
• Purchase a new duvet and down comforter to replace the duvet and comforter with the big black ink spot on
• Hope & pray that your phone will make a recovery after being dropped in the toilet…accidentally; drive it around in your car for 2.5 hours to help it dry out faster
• Refill your anti-preg prescription (although it dawns on you that you won't really be "needing" them for awhile)
• Buy a new DVD/VCR combo for your bedroom
• Gather ex's belonging that are currently at your apartment; place in a manila envelope for eventual pick-up
• Thoroughly clean your refrigerator, stove & microwave (time spent: 2 hours minimum)
• Visit the Container Store; buy numerous under-bed storage receptacles for your extra bedding and things of that nature
• Remove all of the unopened kitchen appliances currently being stored in your bedroom closet and transport them to your mother's house for storage in her basement
• Move your many bags, purses & hats to the now unoccupied closet shelf
• Take the exercise equipment (dusty exercise equipment) stored under your bed and move it into the closet with the newly freed-up space; contemplate going to the gym, decide against it (although you realize in the back of your mind that you will have to start going back to the gym more frequently now because there is no longer a man in your life that will love you unconditionally, and now you'll have to worry about looking good to attract new mean and all that crap, and it's such a vicious cycle…but I digress)
• Rearrange your bathroom, shifting and reorganizing the contents of its 7 drawers, 3 cubbyholes and generous shower shelf
• (If possible)On select nights, hide out at your mother's home; let her give you home-cooked food and soothing TLC the way only a mother can
• Go to church 2 Sundays in a row (after not having gone for many months, given that Sundays were usually reserved as special time with the ex); marvel at how, miraculously, the preacher's sermons seem to perfectly encapsulate and speak to your break-up situation
• Watch episode upon episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Sex And The City (marvel at how closely art is imitating your life in the case of the latter)
• Renegotiate the cable contract for you and your roommates; schedule an appointment for a technician to visit your home
• Remove ex's phone numbers from speed dial settings on both home and cellular phone (be very careful not to hold the buttons too long, thereby initiating a call to the ex)
• Invite a group of friends over for a BBQ; become dismayed when you have to reschedule
• Invite another group of friends over for a BBQ; work feverishly to cook as they greedily accept
• Take a trip to a warehouse store, like Sam's or Costco: buying in bulk always makes you feel powerful (and also makes your mother feel more motherly, as she feels compelled to buy a huge case of Snapple for you and your roommates)
• Expand your make-up collection at the Ulta "Buy One, Get One FREE" sale, snatching up 6 new nail polishes, 4 new eye shadows & 2 new eyeliners. Also grab 3 new mascaras to add to your stockpile
• Thank God the NFL preseason has started and you can revel in football (and football players' physiques) again
• Make sure to do laundry AT LEAST once a week
• Scan your room to make sure no pictures of ex are around (even though you never had any in your room, you need to be sure); take down the Valentine's Day card on display on your dresser; throw away the single long-stemmed rose that you'd dried & saved
• Initiate a renewed interest in getting a credit card with a lower APR; do some research, try to make it happen
• Appreciate that during this time, you have the birthdays and celebrations of many of your friends and family to keep you occupied
• Have a conversation with ex
• Receive the ever-sought-after Closure
• Schedule a time to meet with ex to return his belongings; have one last good cry beforehand (not an out-of-control, sad cry but a restrained, resilient cry, with sexy, slowly-falling tears that commemorate the memories you had together)
• Cry again when your bills start coming, as you're reminded of all the money you've spent post break-up

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All original work on this site is copyright 2002-03, Claire Zulkey