July 18, 2006
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Today is the day to have an extra margarita
Chicagoans, come see me on Friday!
This weekend, while my Chicago White Sox were not exactly overachieving, the Chicago Cubs found new ways to be terrible, specifically, by giving up TWO grand slams in ONE INNING to the New York Mets. Cubs fans have been saying over and over again all season long, with injuries, controversy and general ineptness: "How can it get any worse?" It's hard to imagine it getting much worse than it did on Sunday, but it will:
What Else Will Befall the Cubs?
Spontaneous combustion of remaining outfield players
Players accidentally injecting themselves with estrogen hormones instead of growth hormones: develop lovely but cumbersome breasts.
Cute girls stop coming to the ballpark; left only with uggos.
Cubs realize they actually are cursed but this curse involves them being locked in an enchanted castle until their true loves come to rescue them.
Bats found to be corked and filled with highly unstable raw uranium
Fans wake up from comas and realize they've been paying over $5 for Old Style beer. They don't leave but they get irritated.
Fans and players say, "Maybe next year!", but on the day before the 2007 season, the world ends.