July 1 , 2002

Rabbit rabbit, suckas!

Shortcuts:

I have a new addition to the Flak Magazine blog today, if you'd like to take a look.

Give me a nickname, won't you? Tomorrow will be a fantastic celebration of me.

Have you eaten according to your Media Diet today? It's good for you, and low-carb.

Watch out for Choizilla! It will get you, and without any annoying Bowie cover songs by the Wallflowers.

Congratulations to Paul Konerko, who was voted to the All-Star Team. Paul, I hope you realize that I have adored you since before you were making the big bucks and were geting covered on "SportsCenter," so just call me up, already.

Longcut: The Following Story Involves Brief Nudity

Where would you be without me telling you about fantastic new goods and services for you to try? Thanks to a gift certificate to Mario Tricoci spa from one Miss Claire Weingarden, Sunday I experienced what is known as an Olive Oil Body scrub. Here is how it works:

  1. After signing in, I meet Agata, my very cute and friendly Polish attendant who actually bears some resemblance to Agnetha from ABBA.
  2. Agata instructs me to strip down (instance of nudity #1) and change into a terrycloth robe and sandals and meet her in the hallway.
  3. Agata leads me to a tiled room that has a long table in the middle with three shower heads, on a track (like track lighting), hang above.
  4. Agata has me take off my robe and lie facedown on the table (instance of nudity #2). She covers part of my butt with a towel. I put my hair into a shower cap.
  5. Agata takes handfuls of salty, grainy exfollient and rubs it on my legs and back.
  6. Agata lifts up the towels ( #3) so I turn face-up, and then scrubs the other side. This time the basics, like you'd expect, are covered, by two towels.
  7. Agata and I chat about the Polish language, my parents' recent trip to Warsaw and Gdansk, and the Pope.
  8. Agata rolls up her pants, covers my face with a towel, and throws on the showers. I have never showered while lying down before. It's interesting, and the extreme laziness of it all is probably its most appealing aspect. Plus, it's kind of fun with the towels getting all wet. It just seems so luxurious. My mom would be mad if I showered with my towels.
  9. I roll over so Agata can do my back (#4.)
  10. Agata tells me that my skin already feels very soft, and then rubs me down with towels. (prelude to hot lesbian sex scene #0.)
  11. I lay back down on my stomach (instance of nudity #5)
  12. Agata sprays me with body oil. I smell like the beach.
  13. I flip over (#6) and she does the other side.
  14. When I'm done, I get back into my robe (#7)
  15. Agata fetches me a glass of ice water, and then I change back into my clothes (#8)

So, I left feeling pampered and soft and summery-like. No dead skin here! But best of all, this story involves me being naked eight times, which I really think helps draw the laddie magazine crowd, don't you?

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