May 17, 2006
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Today is the day to decide against bringing the gun.
Women "Of a Certain Age" the World Over Scramble For Newly-Single Beatle
It was reported today that former Beatle Paul McCartney, 63, and Heather Mills, 38, are separating after nearly four years of marriage. While by and large fans are sympathetic and supportive of the couple, women of the Baby Boomer generation are endangering their health in a panic.
"Paul! PAUL!! I LOVE YOU!!!" screamed Janet Green, 63, from Mobile, Alabama, before needing to pause for a breath from her oxygen machine.
"I stuck it it through his marriage to Linda McCartney," said Carol Lepert, 57, in Milwaukee, WI. "I even became a vegetarian, just to impress him, if I ever met him. Then, after she passed, he went and married that one-legged hussy! I should never have waited to get that facelift. I was in the hospital room recovering while he re-married. Thank god I just got a touch-up. PAUL, I'M READY FOR YOU NOW!!"
"I've waited for Paul my whole life," said Ursula Johnson, 60, in Sacramento, CA. "Sixty long years. Yep," she said, clenching her fists. "But it was worth it, because now I still have the chance I always dreamed--to lose my virginity to Paul McCartney."
Hundreds of grandchildren have been abandoned at airports the world over as their grandmothers board flights to England.
"I don't know where my grandma went," said Ashlee Cooper, 12, from Cheyenne, WI. "The Beatles? Who are they? All I care about is MySpace and the Internet and having premarital sex and noisy 'music'."
Meanwhile, husbands have been left en masse by women hoping to entice McCartney with their single status. "Nancy? Nancy?" called Henry Gross, wandering around his home in Scottsdale, AZ. "Now where did she go? The grocery store? Where's my dinner?"
"Those long-haired troublemakers are at it again," grumbled a London police officer as he held back a slow-moving, cane-wielding crowd at Heathrow Airport.
"Paul's single again? PAUL'S SINGLE AGAIN?! Oh my god, I'm going to die!" exclaimed Natalie Hoffner, 65, in Boca Raton, Fl. (And unfortunately, she did.)