Zulkey.com

Also, think about trying to grow your hair out, maybe wearing a bra, try dating men for once. Think about putting on some high heels, the higher the better. Think about what purse is going to go with that outfit and if the logo is big enough for people to see. Think about lipstick: does anybody really wear it anymore or are we all on gloss now? Think about touching up those unsightly grays because they make you look old and dumpy. Think about doing what women are supposed to do: go out and spend cash with other girls and talk about how dumb men are yet how they won't give us their money. Think about what you're going to order at brunch: you don't want to get fat but you don't want to look like you really care about what you eat. Think about Cheryl, with her stupid smirk, how she thinks she's going to look better than you at brunch but you'll show her what weekend best is really all about. Think about Cheryl's husband, too, how you know you could probably sleep with him if you tried but he is too gross. Think about the economy. No wait, don't think about the economy. Think about...doing what is right, and that is looking good and feeling bad. Think of the children, the children in the restaurant who won't stop screaming and who need a good smack but nobody disciplines their kids anymore. Think about your kids, about how if they weren't around you could afford more weekend brunch and weekend best. Think about whether a little dog my compliment your look. Think about another bloody mary but for god's sake, don't get it on your ladylike goddamn dress or else you might as well just think about killing yourself.

In writing news on the AV Club I covered the Jude Law ep of SNL and contributed to A soundproofed room of one's own: 17 well-intended yet misguided feminist anthems and watched the premiere of the Celebrity Apprentice for TV.com so you don't have to.

Oh I don't have anything new for you today. I did cover 5 hours of American Idol for the AV Club plus discussed what movie's made me craved food and wrote about Project Runway for the LA Times and reviewed Game Change and the Happiness Project for Emusic.

No, I do have something to say. Somebody who just added me on Facebook posted a link to this blog post: 10 Steps to Catch a Cheating Partner. I like how somebody felt that paranoid people with bad taste need their own advice columns. Here's my competing advice:

1.) Be an adult and voice your suspicions to your partner.

2.) Shut up.

3.) If you still don't trust him/her, and you've, say, gone the extra step of going to counseling, break up because either you're being cheated on or you're nuts. There's no way your partner's going to say "Oh, ya caught me! Good thing you secretly filmed me! Now everything's going to be much better. I love you."

Much shorter and simpler.

Oh, politicians. It's so great when you get caught doing weird stuff because the ways you try to pretend they didn't happen is more entertaining than the weird things. Like Mark Sanford and the "Appalacian Trail." And John Edwards claiming his aide impregnated his girlfriend despite the fact that many people had heard the aide discussing his vasectomy. Or even "I didn't inhale."

Now it's New York Rep. Eric Massa stepping down amid harassment allegations and to me the weirdest thing isn't that he made inappropriate comments to a staffer at a wedding, groped a staffer or even had a tickle fight with his aide but that he's claiming that the tickle fight with "all bachelors" was not sexual.

For some reason trying to pretend that you're a middle aged married man having NONSEXUAL tickle fights and groping sessions with younger male employees is creepier than if he just came out of the closet or admitted he has problems with knowing what is appropriate. This is sort of like the old Michael Jackson "It's normal to share a bed with young boys!" days. I guess it's the difference between being a perv and being a deluded perv who thinks the rest of the world is going to buy his b.s.

If you're a politician caught doing something weird, there are no very good, graceful options but if you must, either say "It's none of your business," or "Yes, I did it, I'm working on it." Don't try and convince us that it's the world that's crazy and it's not you because it just makes you look like John Lithgow in "The Twilight Zone Movie."

It's possible Steve and I take better care of our dog than we take care of ourselves. I think half the things we do out of genuine love and concern, and half because we were told we should do them and blindly obey them although in olden times people just used to leave their dogs in the back yard or basement or whatever and throw scraps down to them so I realize what we are. We are insane. From least to most crazy here are the things we do for our dog:

1.) Wipe his feet. This isn't that nuts really: it's springtime and it's muddy out and our dog seems to like pretending that he's putting his feet in cement at Graumann's Chinese theater. His feet are extremely huge and get big chunks of mud in them which he'd track all over the house if we didn't take care of them when we come in the house. What's weird is that we have a very special towel for this task that we got as a Christmas present and treated as one of the best things we'd ever been given. It's called "Soggy Paws" and it hangs on our coat rack perilously close to actual human coats.

2.) Dress him. Aside from hilarious outfits he wears a special greyhound coat when the weather's chilly. Again, I think looks more insane than it actually is. Greyhounds have very little body fat and you're supposed to keep them warm when it's cold.

3.) Drag his bed up to our room at night so he can sleep next to our bed. I think if we did not do this we could avoid his morning wakeup routine (lick bed, walk around, cry, honk his toy duck) but it wouldn't feel as companionable.

4.) Clean his ears. I only did this once or twice because I thought it was something you need to do but his ears aren't that dirty and swabbing someone else's ears isn't nearly as insane as doing it to yourself.

5.) Cook for him. We were informed that greyhounds have sensitive stomachs and need to eat special things. Now while I'm not so devoted that I give him the supplements I'm supposed to to keep his coat nice and shiny, in addition to his regular dog food he gets cooked white rice and boiled chicken breast. I hate making the chicken breast. Boiling chicken breast is one of the most unappealing smells in the world. But the rice is just instant rice because he's just a dog, for Christ's sake.

6.) Brush his teeth. We do this almost every night although there is sort of practical reason for this. When we got him his teeth were in yucky condition and his breath was rank so we decided to get his teeth professionally cleaned at the vet's, which is a big deal since they have to put the dog under anesthesia. The cleaning worked great but also set us back something like $400 and would have cost more if he had to get rotten teeth pulled so now we brush his teeth every night with peanut butter flavored toothpaste (although he prefers beef). To his credit the dog takes this pretty well, I think because he gets a treat for it, but on the dog-task scale of fun, it's only second to picking up poop, I'd say.

7.) Show his video to people. Our dog use to race. We have a DVD of it. We show it to interested parties. We pretend like we don't know the outcome of the races even though we totally do. (Hint: he wins).

8.) Blog about him. Because who cares, really? I'll tell you: I do.

I swear, I really didn't know those 45 seconds were going to go by so quickly. Of course I didn't practice my part of the speech because that would have been presumptuous. And I'm sorry that I didn't return your calls last week--I didn't know that you were calling to coordinate our speech. I honestly was just sort of sick of you after the last few years of working together and thought you felt the same. But that is NOT why I cut off your speech--I really didn't mean to do that.

I really am sorry, I really, really am. Do you want my Oscar? Because then you can have two and I will have none, which is what I deserve because I'm a terrible, terrible person.

Look nobody will remember this tomorrow anyway. Neither one of us is famous or anything. So even if you had said something it's not like it would likely have gone down in history or be quoted or anything.

I don't think it's very fair of you to mention your mother. I DID say "parents" which I think everyone assumed meant "our parents."

I'M SORRY!!!

Maybe you should have just walked a little faster and gotten to the podium first. Just kidding. No I'm not. I totally am. Look, are we over this now?

There's always next year, right?

If you're like me you watched reruns of "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist" on Comedy Central whenever they were on back in the '90's, even when you should have been doing other things. And if you're like me now, you're enjoying going through all the episodes now that the entire series is out on DVD. In addition to playing a cartoon shrink for several years (for which he won an Emmy), he is a standup comedian, podcaster, voiceover actor, actual ping pong champion, former rhythm and blues band frontman and good buddy of David Mamet (whose name I tried to avoid bringing up for some reason until he did).

Jonathan and I spoke over the phone and enjoyed a meandering conversation that at times made me feel like I was the audience of a personal standup comedy show. I condensed it here for your enjoyment because sometimes I told stories that would be boring to you, and other times he told his jokes and stories in such a low voice I couldn't transcribe it all but I still think what's left is still pretty great. And yes, he started it off.

JK: Do you mind if I record this conversation, in case one of us says something extra clever? My experience with interviews is that nobody is really interested in the truth.

CZ: I think I am.

Nobody but Claire. You're only the third Claire I've ever met.

CZ: How were the first two?

JK: Not great. The first one was actually a good friend in New York City, in Manhattan when I was a little kid, but she disappeared. Maybe we disappeared, I don't know. And the second writes for Conan. She's unemployed at the moment.

CZ: So I have a silly question about "Dr. Katz." Obviously, you resemble your cartoon avatar and so did the comedian guests. But I Googled H. Jon Benjamin and he doesn't look like his character. Did he look more like that at the time?

JK: He never looked like that. Do you know what the H stands for? Haffectation. I've been making that joke for so long it would make you nauseous. I love him more than an actual father.

CZ: Were there any guests you wish you could have had that you never had on?

JK: David Letterman. He's not comfortable talking about anything to do with his actual life. He's a closely guarded guy.

CZ: How did the scenes between you and Ben get set up, did you draft them ahead of time or did you go in and improv from there?

JK: This is where there's a certain amount of folklore about my story. It was written by me or Bill Braudis, every episode. But before we'd go to that script, we'd record things based on an outline, which was written by Tom Snyder, and those scenes were improvised, and then the script and the improvised stuff...usually the improvised stuff would win. I had a very hard time letting go of the very carefully-constructed jokes I had written in favor of the performance. It was just so wild and unpredictable. He really taught me a different side of comedy - the funny side.

CZ: Did you have any rules or guidelines in terms of things you didn't want to take an episode to?

JK:That was just the nature of generating too much artwork. I think the show had a tone that was really guided, mostly by Tom, and also, to a certain degree, by the head of animation. She was prematurely grown up. She was a young woman, but she had a conscience about what was and wasn't acceptable to say on the air.

CZ: You have a more low-key style than a lot of the people in stand-up.

JK: My favorite example is a guy in St. Louis, and his opening line was, "Hey, who wants to monkey-fuck?" It made no sense, and he did like 35 minutes, and at the end of the show, he was like, "Hey, have a good night, but remember, don't litter!"

CZ:You've loaned your voice to other animated shows - do you follow any?

JK: I don't really like cartoons. But I really appreciate the magic of cartoons. I'm a guy who's living with MS. In the real world, there are not many things I can do, but in cartoons, it's unlimited.

CZ: How is your mobility? Are you able to get around?

JK: I walk with a cane and sometimes I use a scooter. I did this thing you can see online called Death Row Diet, did you see that? It's a clever piece where I'm convicted of some crime, it's not clear whether or not I committed the crime, but the guy who defended me is trying to get me off death row, and he's trying to get me an endorsement with Weight Watchers. You can see it on wkatz.com. There's some film festival in France that wants to show it.

CZ: What's made you laugh lately?

JK: My daughter, my 18-year-old, was listening to this guy, Daniel Tosh, and just the fact that she listens to it cracks me up. She once saw me do stand-up, when she was about 12, and she came up to me after the show very concerned and said, "Dad, you should tell more jokes." Nothing I say strikes her as funny.

CZ: You used to hustle ping pong with David Mamet, right?

JK: Yeah.

CZ: Did you ever get in trouble?

JK: There was one night we had to leave the pool hall.

CZ:You were going to get punched for taking someone's money?

JK: We had taken unfair advantage of someone, which I think is sort of the unwritten rule in the pool hall. It's a place where you go to take unfair advantage of people.

CZ: Wouldn't you think you were getting hustled if someone said, "I'll spot you 18 points"?

JK: We were playing pool, which is a game at which we're also really good. That's a great game. I don't play that often. I'm sort of a hustle blogger.

CZ: My dad asked if my website was a 'blob' the first time he heard that word.

JK: We have a bird named Nibbles, and my mother in law for years thought his name was Nipples, and she said to my wife, "Why did you name a bird Nipples?" But I like your story better.

CZ: When you're playing ping pong at a high level, who shags the balls for you?

JK: If I'm playing at a really high level, there are barricades. I can't play it at that high of a level anymore. Ask me what my style was.

CZ: What was your style?

JK: [defensive tone of voice] Defensive. But I was the kind of guy who played like 20 feet behind the table.

CZ: When did you discover you had a predilection towards ping pong?

JK: The first time I realized it I was a kid in the Berkshires on vacation. I overheard these guys at the Y talking about a place where you could play with professional equipment - this is when I was living in Manhattan on the east side and the club was on the west side. I met Marty Reisman, two-time champion, as you know, and he said, "Why don't you play with a ping pong racquet and I'll play with a chess piece," a friendly bet, a dollar, and he beat me for a dollar with a chess piece.

CZ:What piece?

JK: I was a pawn in his cruel game.

CZ: When you do stand-up, who were some of your favorite openers?

JK: My favorite comedian of all time is a guy named Ronnie Shakes. Nobody knows about him, because he died as a very young man. I was with him as he died, and his dying words were, "Do my act." I'll tell you one joke of his: he said, "I've been seeing the same therapist for 12 years, and yesterday, he said something that brought tears to my eyes: 'No hablo ingles.'" Do you know that joke? Want one more? "I just blew 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar. I figure, what the hell, you only live once." He was my favorite. I also liked Wendy Liebman, and a guy named Barry Sobel who was wonderful. Every once in a while he'll disappear for a few years at a time. I am a Rita Rudner fan, which is hard to imagine, being a Dom Irrera fan and a Rita Rudner fan. Gilbert Gottfried. Brian Riggins did a great...do you know his work? Ray Romano, wonderful on "Dr. Katz." Fun to work with, I worked with him many times in Las Vegas. Before "Raymond," that was the most recognition he ever got.

CZ: Do you follow any young comics?

JK: Yeah, I like this guy I saw on Comedy Central...just because I like them doesn't mean I can remember their names. Daniel Tosh. I also like Demetri Martin.

CZ: What are you working on lately other than your podcast?

JK: I'm on development on two different animated shows, one with Tom Snyder and one with a guy named Bill Braudis, who was Dr. Katz' first patient. I'm hoping to make the talk show rounds again.

CZ: What music are you listening to?

JK: Katz and Jammers. I love it. No, I love Ry Cooder. There's a woman named Adele, do you know her music? My daughter Julia sent me a song of hers, which I love. I also love John Legend. What I'm really trying to do is learn how to play lap guitar.

CZ: Didn't you play electric mandolin?

JK: I played the electric mandocello, and then the electric mandolin.

CZ: How is learning a new instrument?

JK: I was a pretty accomplished guitarist, but because of MS I lost a lot of dexterity in my left hand. Playing a lap guitar could help out with that. It's also listening. I bet if you were near a piano I could teach you in less than five seconds how to play any song you ever loved, on the phone. For free.

CZ: Your father was a Hungarian immigrant?

JK: Yes.

CZ: Have you been to Hungary?

JK: No, but I'd like to go. It must be beautiful. Have you ever been to Madrid? My wife and I are going to Madrid on the way back from a wedding in Tel Aviv. I've been to Israel a couple of times. It's kind of like Puerto Rico, where my sister lives. Israel is where my sister-in-law lives, and where my niece is getting married. It feels so much like Puerto Rico, but very different cultures.

CZ: How does it feel to be the 252nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?

JK: The number 252 has its own significance. It's the square root of something. Also, I went to PS 252, that's why it means something to me, as a kid in Brooklyn. It's not an accident. You know who else lived in Sheepshead Bay is Larry David and Terry Gross when they were kids.

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA SHOW PRESENTS!

SERIES 2, VOLUME 7: FAST FOOD

AT THE VITTUM THEATRE ON WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3, 2010

Chicago, IL - Chicago Slam Works brings to you The Encyclopedia Show at the Vittum Theatre, 1012 N Noble St, on Wednesday, March 3 at 7:30 pm. Tickets $6 at the door. All ages.

This Month - Series 2, Volume 7: Fast Food

With music, poetry, visual art and spoken word on the topic: Fast Food. Featuring (Contributor - Topic): Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz (Author, Everything is Everything) Ray Kroc; Shappy Seascholtz (HBO Def Poet) McDonaldland; Claire Zulkey (Zulkey.com) Big Boy (that's me!); Matt Guenette (Author, Sudden Anthem) Jared S. Fogle; Eric Uchalik (Graphic Designer at Shawnimals) Rotating Weiners; Jacob Knabb (Editor, Another Chicago Magazine) Brown's Chicken Massacre; Poetry Normal - Jake Danna and Tiara Lopez (Spoken Word Ensemble) Ration Packs; Shawné Holloway (Alum, Young Chicago Authors) The Road Runner; Amy Johnson (College Professor) White Castle Slider; Ben Benedict (Musician) GMOs. With hosts Robbie Q Telfer (Author of Spiking the Sucker Punch) and Shanny Jean Maney (Author of Our Brave Faces Were Just Smiles) and cast regulars: Kurt Heintz (E-Poets.net) Fact Checker; Aaron Enskat (Former Normal Slammaster); Tim Stafford (HBO Def Poet); Joel Chmara (HBO Def Poet); Evan Chung (Musician) - House Band Leader "The Encartagans"; and Emily Rose (Poetry Vet and House Manager) -as Jilted Emily Rose.

About The Encyclopedia Show

The Encyclopedia Show, brought to you from the quirky minds of poets and producers Robbie Q Telfer and Shanny Jean Maney. The Encyclopedia Show showcases visual art, comedy, music and spoken word on a wide variety of subjects related to a chosen topic. Each month a new topic is picked at random from the encyclopedia and assignments are sent to a diverse group of writers, artists, poets and performers. Past contributors have included Bill Ayers, Marc Smith, Paul Sereno, Anis Mojgani, Idris Goodwin, Lisa Buscani, Cameron McGill, Kevin Coval, Derrick Brown, and Marty McConnell. For audio from previous shows and additional information, please visit www.encyclopediashow.com

The Encyclopedia Show draws its novice and notable talent from Chicago Area and National Artists in the Slam, Academic and Youth artists' communities.

Note: this isn't really an official Zulkey.com post. I haven't spell-checked it (not that I'm so great at that anyway) or particularly written it with any intention of entertainment (sometimes that is arguable with my regular updates too, I know). It's also seriously long. This is the journal I kept while I was out of the country the last week and a half, for any interested readers, friends or family who dig travel stories or fun food or want to hear the stupidest way to fall down (you'll have to read the second-to-last entry for that one). All my photos are here although I annotated the entries where I could with specific images.

Feb 19 2010: Bonjour from Brussels!

 I'm really trying to not be online too much while I'm in Europe, but I was raised to keep travel journals and it's just easier to do it electronically these days, so this is what it is, but if you comment or anything I probably won't get to it until I return.  I don't expect anyone to read all this mess or find it particularly fascinating but it's easier to write this out here and share it with my parents and few friends who might care rather than writing repeating emails. 

We had a fine flight out from O'Hare to Brussels--a little bumpy but nothing major. I took a few of Steve's pills and was pretty much passed out except I made a point of being awake for the food. I like airplane food, so what? When was the last time you got fed real food anyway on a plane? The movies sucked though, a Night at the Museum one and the new "Fame." Not worth watching even out of boredom's sake. I read an InStyle and Real Simple and attempted a Sudoku.

We landed and made it thru customs and everything just fine and getting our car thru Europcar was I daresay easier than dealing w/Hertz or whatever in the US.  We got the GPS set up (thanks, M&D) and got ourselves to the Four Points Sheridan, only screwing up once on one roundabout thanks to construction. We have a cute view from our room, which is small but fine--the hotel is a tiny bit worn at some of the edges but I have no complaints. It has a gym which I'm interested in checking out because the weather here is not ideal. It's Chicagoesque.  

Oh well, still better than being home, working, same old ish. We're staying in Upper Town and we're right near the tram. We're not sure exactly how it works since we've been ready to pay both times we rode it but it wasn't clear when or where you buy your tickets or where they're collected. Oh well.

We got in and settled around 12:30 and we hit the town, taking the tram nearish to the museums.  First we popped into the Cathedrale St Michel et Gudule which has been around in some form another since the 10th century--I love me some Gothic cathedrals, man.   


 We tried to have lunch at a place my Eyewitness recommended but we didn't have a reservation so we couldn't get in, which was weird, so we went instead to Brasserie Horta, which was named after the famed Art Nouveau architect so it was a really neat building that happened to house a comic strip museum which Steve and I decided not to check out--I never read a Tintin in my life. We drank a small Meale (?) beers each. I had a lovely quiche and salad and Steve went with Carbonnades flamandes, IE beef stew which came with fries and salad, and he was very happy.  Then a nice coffee with a tiny biscuit.

We walked through the Galeries St-Hubert and I wish I had taken some pictures of the windows of the chocolate shops there because they were so beautifully laid out. We walked through the charming but obviously tourist-trappy (nice restaurants don't send their managers outside to beg you to come inside) Rue des Bouchers.  This let us out to the Grand Place, which, if you've been to Krakow or Warsaw would remind you of the big old town squares there with the beautiful architecture and gorgeous laid-back atmosphere but unfortunately this is when the weather turned pretty gross.  So, we killed some time in the Maison du Roi, most known I think for housing the 650 outfits worn by the Mannkene Pis. Who is the Mannekin Pis? A tiny fountain statue of a little boy peeing. I read the history of this statue which I think is at least 75% bullshit but it is still a charming little attraction. We found the mannekin in real life after I bought some chocolates for my peeps but what was most noteworthy about this leg of the trip was that Steve and I got waffles. His had chocolate sauce, mine Nutella and bananas. Tasty but I think I can go at least another year without eating another waffle.

We were jetlagged and crabby (our flight left at 6 PM and got into Brussels at 8 AM which meant whatever sleep we got on the plane was our sleep for the night) so we got into a terribly cliched squabble trying to find the Musee Royeaux des Beaux-Arts, since he wanted to consult the map and I just wanted to ask someone since my bag was heavy b/c I bought those stupid chocolates way too early. We found it but it was closing in a few minutes. Oh well, to be honest, Flemish art has never really turned my crank. 

We took a little stroll through the Parc de Bruxelles (I think) and then took the tram back to the hotel. Before we fell asleep we went to dinner in the neighborhood, at the concierge's recommendation, to Le Chou de Bruxelles, where they gave us free apertifs for mentioning our hotel. Steve had pork on the bone (I don't know the cut--the menu called it "ham" but clearly it wasn't ham) with a mustard sauce and it was DELICIOUS. I tried mussels since I know that's what they do here but I'm sorry, I just don't love shellfish like that but I had  a nice salad and fries too oh and Duvel and we got gummy versions of Mannekin Pis with our check and so that made me very happy.

Tomorrow we hit Bruges and Antwerp/Ghent and who knows what else. We'll probably be up at 4 AM since it's 8:30 right now and Steve is fast asleep.  So far been a very easy trip and it's a lovely town--modern in some parts, Medieval in others, and all good in general. 

According to my pedometer we walked 15,780 steps (4.98 miles) but that was before I reset the time so I think it might have been more. You can catch all the photos from today here. I doubt I'll have Wifi each day of this trip so I'll update the best I can, when I can.  xoxox 

Feb. 20th, 2010 Travel Journal Day 2: Belgium=Done

Greetings from the road, literally.  I’m writing this as we’re navigating our way back from Belgium’s second city, Antwerp, with the help of the GPS lady who we should name.  I’m thinking something like Hildy, Steve suggests Hulst but that sucks.

I am heading out of town on a magical mystery tour and won't be back until March: catch you on the 2nd.

Make the opening ceremonies funny and stop trying to make your country interesting:
I cringe when I think about what Chicago would have done, now, for the opening ceremonies after looking at Vancouver's. Have people dressed as dancing cows to honor the stockyards? Last week I would have rather seen Canada's best comedians having at it, maybe making fun of all the other countries individually as they entered the stadium ("Nice socks, Bermuda"). Also, less slam poetry.

Have a fashion contest
There were only one or two countries that had neat style at the opening ceremonies: one of the Eastern European countries, I think, had snappy black overcoats with red scarves. While our parkas might have been Ralph Lauren they still were big puffy parkas and the white sweatpants reminded me of the Penguin's pants in "Batman Returns." How about a medal for best outfit in any category? This competition would be so much better if we could see some curlers wearing those Alexander McQueen (RIP) lobster claw shoes.

One reality-show contestant per event
What would you give to see someone from "The Hills" or "Jersey Shore" attempting to speed-skate alongside Apolo Anton Ohno? Not only could we cheer for our heroes but finally we could see someone filled with a misplaced sense of self-worth eat it on ice.

Let's get Bob Costas drunk.
And actually send hm to the events. Except maybe the biathalon: that could go horribly wrong.

More inter-national rivalries
If you've seen "Be Good Johnny Weir," you'll know that he has a bitter rivalry with the evil Evan Lysacek. I don't actually know if there is anything evil about Evan but he looks like a rival. I think it would be more fun if there was a good representative and an evil representative from each country.

More Johnny Weir in general
I mean come on.

(First, if you want to read who my old TV crush was, go here. If you want to laugh at people who don't understand sarcasm, read the comments. And if you want to read about why I dig the show "Be Good Johnny Weir," go here.)

From my in-laws:
My in-laws very kindly sent Steve me and me electronic Valentines. They are kind of futuristic (the Valentines, not the in-laws): photos of us were uploaded and then made to look like they were talking. If you think this sounds a little creepy, it is. I am pretty sure the in-laws did this on purpose which is their true way of saying they love us.

From the dog:
The dog gave me a Valentine. What was interesting was that he signed it not with his pawprint, but with an outline of his pawprint. His tracing skills are rather messy.

From my parents:
I had a hell of a time finding a Valentine that wasn't quasi-dirty, for a spouse or for a little kid. Somehow my parents found two separate cards that were specifically for "daughter and son-in-law." I was shown-up.

From my husband:
Steve made me a video where a Muzak version of "Just the Way You Are" played while he drew mustaches on a bunch of pictures of me.

I'm toiling away on book #2 and various and sundry other projects so I don't have any leftover thoughts. But you can read about a thing I used to love but now hate over at the AV Club or my thoughts on last night's "Project Runway" at the LA Times. Have a great weekend!

Yesterday a friend of mine who is black said "So what do you have to say about your boy?" and at first I thought she was talking about a male acquaintance we have in common who I stick up for sometimes when she feels he's behaving foolishly. But no, in fact, she was talking about another male who was behaving foolishly, but the only connection I have to him is that we're both white: John Mayer. I explained quickly that we white people do not claim John Mayer in any way shape or form and I don't intend to explain him or stick up for him. If anything he's making us all look bad which I do not appreciate.

In case you didn't hear, in his recent Playboy interview he just goes from bad to worse so fast it makes your head spin. First he says:

"I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag."

Now, come on. This is actually relatively innocuous but clearly he wasn't listening to the words coming out of his mouth as he was saying them, because this is just a big pile of bullshit presented on a platter that might as well have a little tiny flag marked "bullshit" on it planted right in it. What does that even mean? Only a self-indulgent person spewing bullshit might know.

But then he continues, "But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me."

Uh oh.

Then he goes on, as you probably might have heard, to use the bad word.

"Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass?"

Any decent white person knows that you don't use that word, and any white person who might not be decent but at least has an ounce of sense knows not to use that word around someone else, especially a person with a recording device and a press pass. I'm actually more mad at Mayer for being an idiot, for thinking that he is so down that this would somehow fly over and people would get it, than for him using a racist term.

This message is to Mayer and to white people in general: just don't. OK? It's not going to work. That is to say, thinking you know the black experience, especially more than any other average person of non-color. Don't try to go there, or anywhere near there. Pretend a bomb is going to go off around there and just run as far away as you can, quickly.

But Mayer, since he obviously knows what he's talking about, goes on. "What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's."

NOOOOO. STOP TALKING JOHN.

Then, when the reporter asks Mayer if he's into black women, he says "My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a David Duke cock."

Okay, John, let's break this down. You were probably trying to make a joke here. And, you know, I think it's fair to a certain extent to be romantically into some people and not so much others--we all have our turn-ons. But again, you compared a part of your body to someone who used to be a Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. Someone who used to wear a Nazi uniform. Please tell me at which point we're all supposed to laugh, John, because most of us are still shrieking "STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW YOU'RE MAKING US ALL LOOK SOOOOO BAD" and dribbling water down our fronts.

Then he goes on to mention the black women he doesn't particularly object to, and says "Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl." So, yeah. Congratulations Ms. Washington!

So I'd just like to say that while Mayer's "hood pass" has clearly been ripped up and thrown down the drain, I think his white pass is also on probation at the very least. I cannot explain John Mayer to my friend but I can explain a few things to HIM. I think addressing race and the differences between cultures is a great thing, but the first mistake a white person who thinks he or she "gets it" can be is to talk like he or she KNOWS. And you don't. So stop talking. Is it unfair that you have to be sensitive and not make your hilarious white supremacist jokes and say bad words? I suppose so. That's just the price we must pay for being unhorrible white people.

PS to John: adding "That's all I'll say" after talking for a few minutes about what sex was like with someone does not constitute discretion. That's all I'll say.

I'm noticing a disturbing trend in fashion where pants that are not jeans are made to look like jeans. First, let's start with "jeggings": I didn't know this was actually a word until I heard it used on the show "Kell on Earth" (the jury's still out on this show: I know a lot of people like Kelly Cutrone because she's a no-makeup-wearing hardass but so far that's not enough for me, nor are her good-looking but dumb interns).

Anyway: jeggings. They're leggings that look like jeans, I guess if your regular jeans aren't tight and revealing enough. However, the conundrum here is that a lot of people wear leggings for "comfort" and I think there is a clash of worlds going on if you're at once wearing leggings for comfort but also seeking to be as revealing as possible. In the end, it only works on the very thin, and as we all know thanks to the obesity crisis, those people don't exist anymore. I don't believe this is a trend we're going to look back on as a true classic. Also, the word "jeggings" is problematic for me. It sounds like either an underground street dance or bad fake slang made up for a high-school based TV show or movie, IE "Hey check out those fake jeans: they're jeggin'!"

For those who want to go the opposite route: who like the look of jeans but find jeans to be too binding and restrictive, there are PajamaJeans (I wish they were called Jajamas). This is very sad to me. You want to pretend like you are not the slob you actually are? Clearly you feel some sense of shame, IE I should look better than this, but as opposed to actually putting on some real pants, you choose pajama pants that look like jeans. I have an idea: why don't you dress those up with this, and you'll look like a Rockefeller!

Can't we just live in a society where clothes are the clothes they look like? Because I know where this is going to go, otherwise: socks that look like shoes? We've already done hats that look like hair. Or maybe we'd go making body paint work-acceptable, and if you're like me you find that stuff off-putting and confusing as opposed to sensual.

Of course we're supposed to be getting a foot of snow or something but Chicagoans, tomorrow night is your chance to show how tough you are! I hope to see you there. Facebook invite is here so you can see all the hotties you'll miss if you skip it.

I reviewed the audiobook version of Julie Powell's book Cleaving for EMusic and ranked "30 Rock's" Jack Donaghy's girlfriends for TV.com. Finally if you want to read about my favorite bad-ass, check out the AV Club here.

Today I interview a person who I think is an example of why it's not rude to ask a person what he or she does for a living. You're at a boring party, you meet someone who says she's from a town called Boring, OR. You ask her what she does and she tells you she's a mortician and a dance instructor on the side, and also she is a published author too. BO-RING. Anyway, Elizabeth Fournier is obviously interesting in and of her own right but now she is also at the forefront of green burials. It was not hard to come up with questions to ask her.

Either in film, books, or fine art, what have been some of your favorite artistic renderings of death?
I absolutely love the dramatic moment on a lonely highway in New Mexico which was snapped by Ansel Adams in 1941. "Moonrise, Hernandez" perfectly captures the luminance of moon. I pulled into a 7-11 in San Jose, California about ten years back and was approached by two young men selling prints out of the back of a car. Prices were excellent so I took a gander. I immediate spotted it -- the white clouds, the moon in a black sky, and especially the sea of white gravestones.

It currently is watching over me as I work in my parlour office. I have learned that Mr. Adams was driving down Highway 285 later one afternoon and suddenly slammed the breaks on his old Pontiac station wagon to get the shot. It was in the moment, just like my purchase at 7-11 that day.

What have been some of the on-the-job goings-on that you've gotten used to that the average person would find creepy? Other than hanging out with dead people.
Many years ago I was vacuuming in the slumber room and backed into the decedent lying in that room. She wasn't in a casket, but on her personal couch since that was the family's preference. The family had taken about ten days to decide on arrangements, so she wasn't in the best condition. The funeral directors tried to help her deteriorated state by strategically positioning her on the couch, but I just happened to bump her at her weakest link. My vacuuming was cut short due to the fact part of her arm landed in my path. My brother loves that story!

Do you listen to music/podcasts while you work? What do you prefer?
Sunny 1550 AM. I adore stations which tout "the music of your life." Tony Bennett has always been my imaginary boyfriend, and whenever I have to deal with something unpleasant, I am mentally cruising down Pacific Coast Highway on a sunny day in a light-blue Ford Fairlane with the top down, singing loudly to all my favorite show tunes played by Ken Denko and his Hammond B3 in my back seat.

What have been some of the most unusual requests you've received from clients or families of clients?
I've decorated fingernails to resemble the Ten Commandments, made sure a casket was painted Fire Engine red for a former fire chief, and organized a small-top circus performance for a funeral.

What do your colleagues in the funeral think of the literary direction you've taken your career?
I had a book signing when it was first released at the Chapel Pub in Portland, Oregon, which is an old funeral home turned into a bar and restaurant. Many death care industry colleagues came out and stood in line for an autographed book. I was more than touched.

When it comes to green burials, who are your most interested clients at this point--are you able to see any trends in terms of age, income, lifestyle, etc?
Embracing and driving the green burial movement are the Baby Boomers. Those 78 million Americans born in the two decades following the end of World War II ushered in the first Earth Day and natural childbirth; they wrote their own wedding vows and nurtured the organic food revolution. This is the age demographic calling me to chat, request information, and in fact, choose green burial.

What's been the nicest memorial you've attended lately? What made it special?
Wanda's service pops right to mind. Her friends and family played drums, chanted and spoke of her kindness. We all held hands to form a circle around her newly dug resting place, and stood in silence as her three sons lowered her gently into the ground. Her tiny frame was cloaked with a quilt she had made as a teenager. Soon the plain grave was covered with earth, with a knoll of dirt on top to compensate for settling that will happen over time. There was no marker, just native foliage. After a closing prayer we feasted on fish caught in the local Clackamas River.

This beautiful experience opened my eyes to the fact that burying loved ones at home can help people through the grieving process by adding an immense amount of joy in caring the body of their loved one on their terms. This intimate time for the family allows privacy in saying goodbye, and also provides a convenient place to visit their beloved.

What are some elements you'd love to see included (or hate) in your own memorial service?
I want my loved ones to do anything that makes them feel full of peace. And maybe have Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes!

Careerwise, what do you think you'd be doing if you weren't a mortician (or writer or dancer)?
My childhood fantasy was to be a Solid Gold Dancer, but that dream is now up in smoke with the dissolve of the program, and possibly some of my technique. I have always had a hankering for topography. We are all map nerds in my family,

What's the hardest dance to teach, and is it also the hardest dance to learn?
Tango is earthy and dramatic. Tango movements have a "stalking" or "sneaking" character, are unlike the walks of other ballroom dances. Movements are sometimes slow and slithery, and other times sharp and staccato, such as a quick foot flick or a sharp head snap to promenade position. Tango has the same counter clockwise flow of movement around the dance floor, but with a lesser sense of urgency in comparison to the smoother and more continuous ballroom dances.

Dancing tango consists primarily of walking progressing in a line of dance around the dance floor, with the walk interrupted with stops and turns and changes of direction, all the time connecting one's movements to the rhythm of the music. Although there are a few small sequences of 'steps' that students learn when they start tango, as they advance their dance becomes more improvisational, with a turn or change in direction possible at every step, i.e., their dance progresses towards greater creativity in using small dance elements, i.e., improvisation, instead of moving towards complex memorized figures.

And explaining how dancing works in the real world is tricky with this dance. Practicing in a controlled environment, such as a classroom or empty ballroom, doesn't always bring aspects like floor craft and etiquette into play.

Are you working on other book projects? On what subjects?
Yes. I am working with a management team to move All Men Are Cremated Equal: My 77 Blind Dates into script form for film development, and I am writing my second manuscript which is a continuum of my prior book. I have now married and live with my family in Boring, Oregon where we own and run the funeral home.

So, Halloween haunted house-wise, how much do eyeballs really feel like peeled grapes?
Ha! I know nothing of that arena. My last haunted house visit was as a child. The Enchanted Forest outside of Salem, Oregon still spooks me as I drive by. The old, spooky house can barely be seen through the tree line, but I know it is there, waiting to scare the pants off me.

Incidentally, one of the most well-known exhibits in the park is the Witch's Head. Kids enter through the witch's mouth, and inside is a little scene with the witch preparing a poisoned apple for Snow White. Once petrified, children can exit down a slide in the witch's hair.

How did the town of Boring get its name?
It's a rather boring story. The community was named after W. H. Boring, an early resident of the area. Boring was platted in 1903 as "Boring Junction". The post office was established and named "Boring" the same year, and the builders of the interurban railway adopted Boring as the name of the community.

I do love the jokes. I never get tired of the funny looks, the caller on the other end of the line asking me to repeat myself, or late-night TV making fun of it.

How does it feel to be the 251st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Scrumptious!

The scene: Manny's Deli in Chicago. Steve and I are enjoying big meaty sandwiches, and the police officer who was eating next to us stands up to put his tray away. I notice his gun.

ME: Is it weird that every time I'm near a cop and I see his gun, I automatically wonder about pulling it out of his holster?

STEVE: No.

ME: How come?

STEVE: Because everybody thinks that.

I will be at Reading Under the Influence tonight. Here's what they say: "Join us from 7-9 p.m. On Wednesday, February 3 for readings of original work by author and journalist Claire Zulkey (An Off Year), 2nd Story ensemble member Aimee Perkins and local writers Joe Deir and Barry Wightman. The featured performers will also read short selections of recognizable published work related to February's theme ("Love Hangover") with trivia and prizes.

Also on the bill is multiple award-winning author Jaimee Wriston Colbert, who reads a short selection from her new novel, "Shark Girls."

As always, we're in the back room at Sheffield's, 3258 N. Sheffield Ave. There's a $3 cover. Grab a seat, a cocktail and a bite to eat at 7 p.m. Readings begin at 7:30 p.m. You're welcome to stick around for cocktails and conversation with the authors and audience after the event.

**********

Meanwhile in addition to covering Idol for the AV Club, I wrote a piece for TV.com on why "RuPaul's Drag Race" is superior to "America's Next Top Model." Finally, Chicago, the next Funny Ha-Ha is a week away! If you want to join the Facebook fun, the invite is here.

First the lights go out, and a voiceover (probably Paul McCartney; if we can't get him, Ringo) goes "Oh my god, everyone: it's an emergency!" Wait a few minutes for panic to ensue and then a spotlight shines up in the rafters on someone who looks like me but is dressed in a sexy Phantom of the Opera costume. The stand-in goes "I love music so much I would DIE for it" and then flings herself down on the ground (hopefully there will be a mat or something). Then everyone goes crazy again trying to figure out what happened.

Then I emerge onstage, wearing a luxurious coat made of live minks, all writhing and baring their teeth but not harming me in any way. I am wearing a wig made out of spun gold and I am wearing George Washington's wooden teeth. My backup dancers, trained babies, emerge and form in a circle around me and I begin singing my song (TBD). Madonna comes out for a cameo, mostly to tell me that I am the new her and she is sorry for what she did to her face.

At the bridge of the song, I take off my coat, put on a pair of rollerskates, set myself on fire and then skate through the audience, who is delighted to learn that my fire is actually cotton candy.

Then Elton John comes out, tells me I look fabulous, and goes back in his hole.

Then I segue into my next song (to be written) and live on-camera I unhinge my jaw and eat an entire deer made of Swarovski crystals while Slash accompanies me on a guitar made of Lady Gaga's discarded wigs. Eminem comes out and makes me an omelet.

Finally, at the climax of the song, the stadium walls open up and I ascend into Heaven, to be seated at the right hand of Britney Spears.

Balloon drop.

I'm pretty sure that today marks the first day I interview someone most well-known for inventing a cocktail, which I think is an omen that it's going to be a super-fun Friday. If you've heard of the infamous McNuggetini, then you've heard of today's interviewees, the two women behind some charming and quite entertaining videos that celebrate their love of adventurous drinking. Their videos got them some media attention and then some of that attention has been about fame via viral video, so I wanted to catch them to talk about drinking and working before they started showing up on "Martha Stewart" regularly or something and got too busy. They seem like fun ladies to have a drink with, in my professional opinion.

How much rehearsing do you ladies need to do per video?
Alie: As much as I'd love to boast that we work with a drama instructor and a dialect coach weeks prior, the fact is that we generally write the script the day before, and we run through each segment right before the take. Oftentimes, we'll tweak a line, or improvise some ridiculousness that ends up making it into the final cut. And the reactions to the first sips of the drink are always (painfully) genuine.

Georgia: We've made four videos so far and each one has been a learning experience. For the first video, the infamous McNuggetini, we pretty much just showed up without a script and spent the day perfecting it in front of the camera. That shoot ended up taking about 8 hours, so the next time we were a bit more prepared with a script in tow. A lot of our dialogue tends to include some ad-libbing though, and naturally get funnier as we sample whatever spirits we're utilizing throughout the day.

The settings are so great: who does the set design?
A: "Set design" involves Georgia busting out her drool-worthy collection of antiques, mixed in with whatever's handy at the location. We've shot in Georgia's 92-year old Grandmother's lovely Los Angeles home (McNuggetini), in Georgia's apartment (Ham Daq) and in my 1913 Craftsman apartment, in front of a built in cabinet that had a few of my biology specimens thrown in for scholastic ambiance. We'd originally kept more of my bug collection in frame, but between the tomato soup based cocktail and a bacon rimjob, we figured it was best to keep the set decor as non-gross as possible on that one.

What's your hangover cure?
A: I swear by B-Vitamins and lots of water the night before, though Georgia's hangover cure probably involves something more remedially greasy. Also: a lot of it is what you're drinking. When I'm not gulping down mouthfuls of liquified meat, I'm a fan of flavored quality vodka and club soda, which is refreshing, hydrating and generally hangover-free. (My first-ever signature drink is a Stoli vanilla and soda with a cherry, which my friends mocked mercilessly and dubbed a 'Wardscicle'...then started ordering it themselves because it is delicious delicious nectar of the gods and it never leaves you wanting to die in the morning.)

G: I love a good bowl of won ton soup when I've tied one on, but I usually just end up eating fast food and feeling god-awful for the rest of the day. Learning from my mistakes is not my strong suit. Honestly, sometimes I think I get hung-over on purpose so I'll have an excuse to skip the yogurt and fruit and eat the crap I usually avoid for breakfast (see: sausage egg McMuffins, hash browns, anything covered in hollandaise sauce).

With the attention you got with the first videos, do you feel pressure to put out more?
A: There's certainly a pressure to deliver videos in a timely manner before the fan base you've drawn moves on to another YouTube channel or meme-of-the-moment. Without a budget to hire a crew, our first videos have relied on the favors of very generous friends. We have plenty of ideas and excitement about shooting, but its a matter of begging friends to give a few days to help craft a video and teach us how to use Final Cut. Now that there's been a following and media attention, we're getting offers to create a series of videos, with a budget, which is both a relief to us -- and our friends.

G: Yes! Although the attention was completely unexpected, we've since been pressuring ourselves to keep up the momentum. I think we both have a fear that everything is going to come crashing to our feet and we're going to end up as bitter old ladies, surrounded by feral cats, talking about our 15 minutes of Internet fame.

When it comes to classic drink ingredients, what's a liquor that you wished you liked but just couldn't get into?
A: Excellent question. I have always regretted my falling out with tequila. We had a good relationship for a few hours once, but it took a turn for the worst and we've not been civil terms with each other since. I also once had the misfortune of drinking Gilby's gin mixed with room-temperature Pepsi. Classic gin martinis still present a taste hurdle for me.

G: Oh how I loathe gin. It tastes like sucking on one of those pine tree air fresheners you hang on your rear view mirror. I love a good dirty martini, but sadly, I have to stick with vodka martinis which makes me feel like an inferior woman.

You go out, you get a little hammered, you come home. What do you eat for dinner?
A: Well, in East Los Angeles, there are burrito trucks studding nearly every street corner. So if it's late, and dinner has yet to be had, Taco Zone or the Logan Street Truck might get paid a visit en route to home. There is nothing like a burrito the size of a cat at 2 in the morning.

G: My absolute favorite late-night, slightly tipsy snack is a corn tortilla with refried beans, tons of cheese, and salsa, thrown in the toaster oven till it's almost burnt. It's melty and crispy and perfect. Follow that with Nutella spooned into my maw straight from the container, and I'm in heaven.

What's on your daily blogroll?
A: I usually make the rounds on the news feeds, like LA Times, NY Times, CNN, Daily Beast, Google News. Then if I need a brain break mid workday, I tend to surf through friends' Tumblrs, like Georgia's (natch) Jonah Ray's, Peter Atencio's, Tess Lynch, Molls and yes, even Boner Party for fashion inspiration.

G: See Alie's answer, but also add my strange obsession with so-called "mom blogs". The Sphors Are Multiplying, Better Now, All & Sundry. I guess I'm just fascinated by lives that are the complete antithesis of mine, seeing as I'm happily, selfishly single and childless. I also have a group of fellow 20-something female bloggers that I have been reading for years: Hillary With Two L's, Nothing But Bonfires, Diary of Why, Hope Dies Last. I have one of those boring office jobs that allows me plenty of time for web-surfing, so my blog reading is much more prolific than Alie's.

What's the next ingredient you'd like to center a drink around?
A: We just made a beverage with chocolate sauce and Godiva liqueur, but I'm trying to convince Georgia to make a Yerba Mate latte cocktail that's sweet and earthy tasting, but also keeps you wired like the liquid crack that it is. Redbull's not nothing on yerba mate tea. It is nature's methamphetamine. Trust.

G: I heard a rumor that someone is coming out with bubble gum vodka. That sounds just awful enough to work.

What have been some of your favorite adjectives used to describe your drinks?
A: "Revolting cocktails," coined by NYT writer Douglas Quenqua was particularly thrilling, mainly because I assume it was a nod to Al Jourgensen/industrial music.

G: Back before we had made the video, and the McNuggetini was just a photo essay on my blog, someone linked the post with the description "two semi bangable chicks make a McNuggetini". "Semi bangable" has become one of our favorite descriptions, and we use it to describe situations, food, dudes, and ourselves when we're having a particularly fug day.

Alie, what have you been working on lately for the Times?
I'm a staff writer at the LA Times, and write for the Calendar section as well as write a few weekly columns for their publication Brand X, which is published by the Times and aimed at the late-20s demographic. Before taking a full time job as a staffer at the Times, I was a writer for the LA Weekly, and authored a weekly column called "The Mental Ward," which chronicled my adventures and pitfalls exploring the LA art and music scene. My bosses at one point tried to get my title changed to "Professional Leisureist" because it was my duty to go out several nights a week and report back.

What's the most interesting thing you've eaten/drank in the last week?
A: I'll start by telling you the least interesting: At 8pm on Saturday night, I found myself alone in a Del Taco wearing sweatpants and eating a veggie burrito. Country music was playing over the tinny PA. I was the only one in the restaurant. I realized that I was turning into Liz Lemon. As for the most interesting: I actually tried a gluten-free, vegan agave-sweetened cupcake from Babycakes, which just opened at LA outpost. It was not at all disgusting, which pleasantly shocked me.

G: I was *this* close to ordering the rattlesnake and rabbit sausage at our local sausage joint yesterday, but went with the comparably tame mango jalapeno chicken sausage instead. Pity, as that would make for a good story. For the sake of this interview, can we go back in time a couple weeks to the delicious dinner I had at Animal, where I dined on seared foie gras that was sitting atop a biscuit and a sweet and savory pool of maple sausage gravy? It was ethereal...and my stomach is growling now.

What's next for you ladies?
A: Right now we're in talks with a few production companies to develop a show for network TV, and we're thisclose to finalizing the paperwork to start shooting a series of online videos for a network that deals with food (I'll let you piece that together.) We also have an iPhone application coming out for This Is Why You're Fat, plus an offer for a book deal. At this point, we don't sleep much. (Note: I'm writing this at 2am on a weeknight. And I've already told you how my Saturday night went.)

How does it feel to be the 249th and 250th people interviewed for Zulkey.com?
A: In a word: thrilling. [I'm a fan of The Zulkey, and to be included with 250 others is an honor.]

How's the makeup

Who looks good

Who looks bad

Who looks stupid (IE picking at face, etc--not something TV-ready)

Who looks salty

What is he/she saying? (Lipreading)

Who is clapping too much

Who's not clapping at all

Who obviously hates being there

Who's going to die next?

What would I wear if I were there?

Is he still talking?

People, let me tell you a legend. The year was 1988. Everything in the world seemed great, until something came along that made it perfect. That thing was: animal-themed parodies of fashion magazines. I knew them and I owned them.

What, exactly, are animal-themed parodies of fashion magazines, you ask? Oh, just a little thing called Vanity Fur. Or, for the modern gal, Catmopolitan. Or, for the fashion-oriented dog-loving woman, Dogue. Or, for the man in the know, CQ (Canine Quarterly). Or, for people who loved teddy bears dressed up in lingerie, Harper's Bear-zaar.

I enjoyed these magazines, as a youngster, because they had all the glamor of real fashion magazines (including parodies of the ads, such as the Blackglama ones, and to this day I have a hard time wrapping my head around the phrase "What becomes a Legend most?" What?) but instead of boring humans, animals! There were also articles titled things like "The Fur Is Flying," featuring Christian LaClaw and Yves Saint Bernard "fighting like cats and dogs to lead the fashion pack." (These totally went over my head but they featured stuff like animals wearing hats and glasses. What else could you want?

I completely forgot about these magazines until yesterday when, on Facebook, I noted that we have inexplicably begun receiving Cat Fancy at my house and my friend Lauren admitted to reading Catmopolitan as a girl, along with various and sundry real animal magazines (she had a horse; she had it all). Then the memories came flooding back to me, and I realize, for the first time, how a.) weird it is that these magazines were made, and b.) that I owned them.

I was so excited to learn that I was not the only person who got to enjoy the heady, heady times of animal-themed parodies of fashion magazines. This made me wonder: how widespread indeed were these publications? If you enjoyed them, or knew of any others that existed, please let me know, and your fondest memory of them.

DO: Make your sweetie a comforting home-cooked meal, like, oh, say, southwestern pulled brisket with all the fixin's. Serve with love.

DON'T: Eat so much brisket yourself that you must spread your limbs akimbo on the couch in order to give your stomach optimal spreading-out in order to let the food settle, all the while groaning.

Apparently that is not a turn-on.

Today I interview the lovely author of the memoir Amen, Amen, Amen: memoir of a Girl Who Couldn't Stop Praying (among other things), about the author's struggles to overcome obsessive compulsive disorder, a book selected for Oprah's Reading Room, ELLE Readers' Prize, and the Chicago Tribune's Best of 2009. She is also the author of the Young Adult book Kissing Snowflakes and has experience doing lots of other fun stuff like voiceover work and improv.

What was it about the SELF article that you published helped you complete your book?
The SELF article was about the time I thought I killed a woman with a grocery cart. A really kind editor read it and got in touch with me. She thought there was a bigger story there. There was; I just wasn't sure I was ready to write it.

Which parts of Amen, Amen, Amen were most difficult to write well or accurately?
Actually, the more recent history was the hardest. I still have many parts of myself that feel unresolved.

What are some of your favorite memoirs?
Great question. There are so many. I loved Susanna Sonnenberg's Her Last Death and Ishmael Beah's A Long Way Gone. Mary Karr and Jeanette Walls. I loved Drinking, A Love Story too. It takes a lot to get me to read fiction these days.

Do you find yourself being extra sensitive to noticing any potential signs of OCD in your daughter? How do you maintain a balance between being vigilant and not being paranoid?
Wow, that's a doozy. Yes, I am definitely aware of her, especially because she's in this delicious imitative phase being one year old. She's made this kissing sound to echo me when I kiss the mezuzah, and I had a book that I had to kiss for a while, so I put it away instead of reading it to her. I also work very hard to eat something with her so she sees us enjoying food together. Really, so I see that too :-)

Did you receive any negative reactions from friends or colleagues after you published the book? I know its subject matter came as a surprise to many of them.
The hardest thing I've experienced from friends and/or family is silence. It makes me a little nuts to imagine what they're thinking...

Did you talk to your family very much about the book before you published it or they learned about it when they read it?
Except for my husband, I think it was a surprise to most of my family.

For your next book, do you feel a sense to either depart from or maintain the seriousness of the subject matter in Amen, Amen, Amen?
I'm really trying to write something lighter. Especially fiction. But a lot of my characters have dark pasts. I guess we all do.

What's it like to see a reading guide for your book? Which of the questions you've seen are your favorites or seem strangest?
That's funny, someone just told me tonight about a reading guide in Oprah. Which is hilarious to me. I did get to approve the questions for the publisher's reading guide, but I think it was such an out of body experience that I decided I was talking about Abby the character, not me.

Do you have any readers come up to you and tell you about their own experiences with OCD, cutting or eating disorders? How do you handle them?
This is probably the greatest part about publishing. I've had some remarkable emails from people all over telling me their experiences with OCD. It's truly humbling. And I am so grateful that people have reached out like that. I do have a resource section at the end of my book and hopefully some new helpful links will be on my website soon, but I still wonder how much more i could help. There was a caller on a talk show I did whom I just wanted to reach out and hold. She was so brave and it hurt so much to hear her pain.

What's the last thing you prayed for?
The walk home from the subway.

Since your book was given props in O and you were on Tyra, you are probably the best person to answer this: will Tyra be the new Oprah?
Don't think so. Unless Oprah becomes the new Conan.

Seriously, tell me something about Tyra.
You can publish this: she is incredibly gorgeous and her legs are as long as a sedan. Just between you and me: [redacted].

Are you planning on writing another Young Adult book? What on?
I am hoping to. The book I have in mind is called Sssssh and it's about a family of secrets.

How did you come to publish a YA book before your memoir or, say, a humor book?
It was really a fun coinkidink. An editor at Scholastic read an essay of mine in the newspaper and called me. I went to grade school with her and we talked about writing young adult stuff. The next thing I knew I had an assignment to write a winter romance.

Who are some of your favorite funny females?
Gilda, Gilda and Gilda. Rachel Dratch. Stephnie Weir. Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey.

How does it feel to be the 248th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Delicious. An honor. Thank you so much.

My mom passes her Bazaar magazines on to me after she's finished with them. I like it for the nice pictures of clothes I will never be able to afford, let alone pull off. They still look neat. Ever dedicated to fashion, Bazaar's back page features instructions of items that are "In" and "Out" for the forthcoming month. I like this section because while I'm always looking for some specific insight as to what not to be caught dead wearing, I am reassured because the "out"s are things that, according to my knowledge, nobody wears and were never supposed to be popular in the first place. These are real:

IN: Wrapping a textured thin belt over a long jacket.
OUT: Cocoon coats.

IN: Feminine petals for a finishing touch.
OUT: Liberty-print-fabric bracelets and necklaces.

IN: Neon-hued accents.
OUT: Heavy velvet shoes.

IN: Feminine finishes.
OUT: Overtly masculine menswear.

It's fun to come up with your own, I've learned:

IN: Structured jackets
OUT: Tiny straw hats

In: Ruffled blouses
OUT: Chainmail

IN: Big, bold jewelry
OUT: Dead rats worn on a string

IN: Architectural High heels
OUT: Flip-flops found abandoned on the beach

IN: Higher hemlines
OUT: Adult diapers

IN: Small, tasteful purses
OUT: A big metal filing case that you drag behind you on a dolly

Try it yourself!

Ah! Heidi Montag. I would feel sorry for you but, well, look at who you are. No way.

The very first time I heard about Heidi Montag, it was for her plastic surgery a few years ago. It was so weird to hear someone TALKING about her plastic surgery and not just looking different and claiming she's eating vegan now or something. At the same time it was weird to hear someone admit her insecurities to the public. I don't like the way I look. I am changing it.

So that's how I heard of her and I honestly had a hard time picking out which the "before" and "after" Heidis were sometimes. All that hoopla and she merely upgraded from ordinary to bland. She looks like a sheet of white paper to me either way.

Anyway, it seemed like she was laying low lately, and it's been revealed that it's because she was getting massive amounts of NEW plastic surgery. Once again, she's talking about how much she loves the surgery, even while Billy Bush tries to convince her that getting old and withering away (she's 23) is awesome (leave her alone, Billy! Like everyone else you interview is so normal.) She LOVES plastic surgery, as an innovation and for how it makes her happier about herself. Weird, but at least she's honest.

But this is the bad part--all this round of surgery has made her look like she's had plastic surgery (just google her and you'll see pictures). Fake eyes. Fake lips. Fake cheeks. Like a doll. Plastic surgery fail. The whole point, I thought, of plastic surgery, was to make yourself look like a subtly nicer version of yourself. Looking like you had obvious work done is pretty freaky, at least to most of the population. It's just sad to me that Heidi didn't have another shot to make a subtle change. Instead she got greedy, went from ordinary to bland to OK to kinda pretty and then maybe full-on pretty and THEN to the tweaked-up old lady stage. She skipped most of the steps.

But here is the sick part--that is also the most awesome part, let's be honest. At the rate she's going she's going to look like Joan Rivers when she's 35. So while the whole thing is kind of sad, I look forward to seeing how this all plays out. And if she really enjoys it, I don't think it's that bad to enjoy it too.

folding laundry

coming up with a plot for my book (easy!)

sleeping

donating money to Haiti

not thinking about tomorrow night's dinner

I don't get it off at work, since they obviously don't care about Martin Luther King, Jr. and what he stood for (unless you call a symposium a true observation of the day, and I don't) so I am taking the day off here. See you tomorrow.

I will be reading at WORD in Brooklyn at 7:30 PM with Sara Barron and Doree Shafrir. Read a funny interview with us and learn more about the evening here.

Also, ZOMG, "Idol" is back. Follow my posts on it here at the AV Club.

Talk to you Monday!

[Enter. Wait for applause to die down]

Thank you everybody, thank you. Well. Heh heh. This is awkward. [pause for laughs]

I can't lie, though, it sure feels comfortable No, seriously, thank you [longer wait for applause] I guess this is just how some things were meant to be [more applause] You have finally proven yourselves, audience, and I want to congratulate you on following me through thick and thin [applause]. I am just so humbly grateful that you have voted me your rightful king of late night.

So everyone else who's not watching or who is not hosting this show can go fuck themselves. Ooops, sorry NBC--what are you going to do about that--fire me? I'm back, bitches! I'm number 1! I'm number 1!

Now here are some clips of people being idiots on the street. Laugh at them, apes. You like that, don't you? Yes you do, so take your medicine, America--I know what's best for you.

We'll be right back with Anne Hathaway or some shit. I'm going to go buy 50 cars and guess what: you can't even look at 49 of them. Now bow down!

Is it too long? Look, nothing in the non-painful world is worse than a too-long reading. You have the combination of being a captive bored audience plus the building anger of "Who does he/think she is, thinking we want to sit through this much blah-blah?"

Is it too short? I am pretty sure that it is never too short unless it's so short that it's confusing (IE "Did she just run off the stage 30 seconds after coming on?")

Is it funny? Funny readings are way more entertaining than unfunny.

How are the eyebrows? Ideally eyebrows will be recently waxed.

What to wear? Need to look not-dumpy. Need to look not-dorky. Need to look not-too-hipstery, like that is ever a problem but still want to avoid looking TOO much like a "stereotypical writer." What does that even mean? Stop acting like you have THAT many clothes or are even that capable of pulling together "looks."

When in the order am I reading? The sooner the better in case I suck and people can then enjoy other people's pieces to get the bad taste out of their mouths.

Did you practice? I hate practicing. But that's stupid, you need to do it. I know. So what's your problem then? I don't know. This is why you were never a good musician, because you hated to practice. I know!

Who will be there? Basically this just applies to my parents so I won't be cursing up a storm in front of them. Otherwise don't really need to worry about whether I'll be reading my pro-abortion manifesto in church or my fundamentalist poem at the PFLAG meeting.

How drunk should I get ahead of time? Probably not very. But what if being the tiniest bit drunk loosens me up some? What should I drink then? Probably something clear.

No seriously, what do I wear? It's too late to go shopping, isn't it?

First, if you ever wanted to read about a pop-culture pilgrimage that I made, read here at the AV Club.

Secondly, there are some things coming up where I sure would be happy to have people come out and see me. First, Thursday January 14 I will be reading at WORD in Brooklyn with Sara Barron and Doree Shafrir. Please come say hi or let people know who might be in the area.

After that, February 3 back in Chicago I'll be at Reading Under the Influence.

February 9 I am hosting Funny Ha-Ha at the Hideout which will be very fun as always: check here for the lineup.

Then, March 3, if you want to plan that far ahead, I'll be reading at the amazing Encyclopedia Show.

Clearly I'm a shrinking violet who just wants her privacy.

If you were like me when you played "tag" with your friends there was a safe area you could run to where you couldn't be tagged, and that place, usually a building or a tree or something, was called "base." It made sense. That was your base.

However, I have learned something disturbing over the years and that is a massive communications failure in the "tag" system. First of all, my parents call tag "it," which honestly I think is a better name but I don't have it in me to convince everyone to change the name.

Anyway, when we played "it" with my dad, he called "base" "goo." As in "I'm on goo, you can't touch me." That's weird, isn't it? I always wondered if there was originally legitimate goo involved, and if so, what was it.

A few years later though, I was playing tag with my cousins and one of them claimed their swingset as "gool." GOOL? "You know, like base." Now come on, somebody had to hear the word "gool" and know they were mishearing something. There was no way that could be right but then that got passed down.

Most shockingly, I was describing this all to my husband at Christmas dinner and my mom said "Goo? Gool? We called it GLUE." I guess word-wise "glue" makes more sense than "gool" although technically "glue" is a "goo." But why would standing in glue be a good thing? Why would that make you immune? You'd think if anything it would be a handicap.

To me this is like the Alaskans having 80 words for snow thing, only probably way more anthropologically relevant.

I'm not ashamed to say that most of my fondest memories from Christmas break are food-related. The corned-beef sandwich I had the last day of work from Manny's. The standing rib roast my mom made Christmas Eve that confirmed why I'm not a vegetarian. The annual Cuban restaurant outing Steve and I make that involves slamming at least two different kinds of meat and two different kinds of carbohydrate each in one meal. But one of my fondest was Food From a Bag Day.

Going out to get food on New Years Day is unthinkable. You don't want to leave the house for various reasons: it's cold, you might be hungover, you don't want to put on actual pants. But instead of ordering in I decided that New Year's Day was going to be a great day to prepare these various forms of free bagged food I had received over the last few months.

First came the pancake mix and syrup a client had sent me as a Christmas gift (I covet mail-order Christmas food). I don't normally make starchy breakfast food but I got around this in two ways: I made Steve make them and since you're just adding milk there isn't much "making" involved. The pancakes were lovely and moreover served to me by someone other than myself and with a side of bacon and some thin Vermont syrup it was the best thing I could have ever eaten as I watched the Outback Bowl.

Lunch was sort of cheating a little bit since they involved groceries I had already bought but the edamame carrot wrap I enjoyed involved three bags: the tortilla, the shredded carrots, the edamame.

Dinner was extra exciting though. My boss went to Italy earlier this summer and when she came back handed out little sachets to her co-workers. Basically, you add water, some olive oil and in a little while you have a nice pasta sauce. I always forgot about my astronaut pasta until I'd see it in my pantry and wonder if I'd ever get around to making it. New Year's day was perfect. It was really neat, actually: I ended up making Pennette All Sorrentina, which is a very spicy, peppery pasta sauce which tastes extra good when you realize you didn't have to chop a damn thing to make it.

So, I am going to predict that in 2010 we're going to move past this whole "localvore" thing and, once people inevitably realize how awesome it is to just take some food from a bag, add a liquid and have instant meal, we're going to move on to becoming "bagelvore." No bagels, though: those, oddly, are not allowed on the diet. Don't ask me why, though--I just follow the rules, don't' set them.

ps Logo is a gay network. It says so itself!

Zulkey.com is going on break, returning Monday, January 4. Peace to all creatures!

What was my favorite pop-culture moment of the 00's? If you know me this shouldn't be hard to figure out.

Today I chat with the author of a very interesting book called Rogues' Gallery, which highlights the relationship between the directors and curators who amassed the Metropolitan Museum of Art's collection and its patrons. However, this expose on the trading of money and prestige earned him a few non-friends in the book's wake, so the treatment of the book is its own story, some would say. Gross is no stranger to juicy topics involving the rich and fabulous: he is also the author of Model: The Ugly Business of Beautiful Women, 740 Park: The Story of the World's Richest Apartment Building and Genuine Authentic: The Real Life of Ralph Lauren. A Contributing Editor of Travel & Leisure, Gross has also worked as a columnist for The New York Times, GQ, Tatler, Town & Country, and The Daily News; and a Contributing Editor of New York .

Rogues' Gallery opens and closes talking about how the Met didn't want you to write the book. Have you heard from anyone inside about their opinions about the book, now that it's out?
Oh yes. I certainly heard from Annette de la Renta, or rather her lawyer at a big scary firm. They apparently thought they could squish the book like a bug, but were quickly reminded what country we live in. And both the museum and its new director commented, too. The museum called the book "insensitive and misleading." And Thomas Campbell called it "a sardonic mixture of gossip and sloppily recounted fact that takes cheap pot shots at the Museum's dearest and closest supporters." I promptly said that if the truth hurt anyone's feelings, I was sorry, but it was their own damned fault for not talking to me--after all, it's a taxpayer supported institution, filled with art the public owns, occupying a building and land owned by the people of New York--but they seem to not think that matters! And both a reporter and I asked that any allegations of factual inaccuracies be detailed, but the museum has yet to respond. Silence speaks volumes sometimes. However, any number of curators and benefactors have told me (albeit sotto voce) that the book got that rather remarkable reaction because, in fact, it was quite on target, and that they'd learned a great deal from it. But my favorite reaction was from a clerk in the Met's bookstore, who responded to a request for a copy with, "Oh, we don't stock that book!"

Do you plan on including any new material with the paperback version?
Yes. I'm actually starting to write today, as soon as I finish answering your questions! I'm very sad to begin it on the day after Tom Hoving died, but somehow, it seems to me that his death really does signal the end of an era, so in a way, it's sadly appropriate. I think that with him gone, the museum may rediscover what he contributed to it (after years of treating him like a pariah) and again embrace the many great things he brought to it.

Has the Met kept its distance or are they now selling the book at the shops inside the museum?
Already answered! But anyone visiting the museum and feeling a sudden urge to buy a copy can go right around the corner to Crawford-Doyle Booksellers on Madison Avenue, where it's been a bestseller since it was published. And Kindle users can even download it while standing in front of their favorite artwork! But maybe I shouldn't say that! Museum employees have been told not to bring the book into the building. I hope they don't find a way to block the Kindle signals!

What got you interested in writing about New York's wealthy/social scene?
Seeing them at work and play in their natural habitat when I worked for several local community newspapers, beginning in the 1980s. As "society" reasserted itself after the long hippie-hiatus of the 1970s, it appeared to be a (forgive me for this) "rich" field for reporting. Lots of people did that, but most of them longed to be part of the social scene, dreaming that their luncheon invitations would somehow transform them from ink-stained wretches into impoverished but welcome nobility. The role of lapdog didn't suit me, so instead of waiting patiently for treats (i.e approved scoops), I learned how to sniff them out on my own.

Do you feel like an insider or an outsider when you chronicle the rich and fabulous?
As the great editor Clay Felker once said to a staff meeting at one of those community newspapers, "All you need to do is remember that you are in that world but you are not of it."

Those people in Rogues' Gallery who wanted to prevent you writing about them: what exactly were they worried about? The average person (or even the higher-than-average) person has never even heard of Annette de la Renta, let alone get breathless over who she's sleeping with or how she's spending her cashola.
Honestly, I have not a clue. The museum's chief flak told me they didn't want me "poking and prodding into the deepest recesses of their philanthropic and private lives," so maybe that was it. But to me the more interesting question is what exactly I revealed that was so awful that the Met's footsoldiers felt they had to go all medieval over it, running around town with lances and torches, huffing and puffing and threatening people in an attempt to burn my book. Letters were written, phone calls were made, and not just by Mrs. de la Renta's rented assho--sorry, lawyers--but also by other trustees and friends of trustees, and I can only assume, the museum's publicity department, which has historically been challenged when dealing with independent inquiry--which is one of my favorite if minor narrative threads in the book. Most of what I "discovered" was already known by their little group--all I did was democratize the information. And I even left out a few of their bigger secrets that just seemed pointless and hurtful to repeat, even though they would have fallen well within the realm of fair reporting on public figures. My guess is that it's one of the previously untold scoops that did make it into the book (scoops that have been generally ignored by journalists and critics I'd have thought would have jumped on them) that actually raised the hackles of the city's cultural mafia. Was it the fact that Lazard Freres was secretly seized by the government for trading with the enemy during World War II? Was it the disappearance of the records explaining why the future Mrs. de la Renta and her mother were detained at immigration as "aliens" for "special inquiry" when they arrived in America just after Pearl Harbor? Was it the story of how the museum's 100-year-long feud with the New York Times ended after it co-opted the paper's chairman Arthur Ochs "Punch" Sulzberger by making him the museum chairman, too? I could go on, but I suspect that you get the point.

What's the difference between socialites who want attention and those who don't?
I think the word socialite is the difference. If you want to have your photo on the party pages, to be dressed for free by designers and lionized by Vogue, or desperately desire to be on the board of an institution like the Met then you want to be a socialite. But if you want to be a credit to society, a true philanthropist, a good and admirable person for the ages instead of the moment, you might be well advised to disdain that model and follow the path of John D. Rockefeller Jr., who was rarely photographed and then quite uncomfortably, typically refused credit for his gifts and benefactions, regularly turned down invitations to social events, and refused for years a proffered seat on the Met board, which most "socialites" would consider a platinum ring worth slitting their wrists for. It is also worth noting that Rockefeller, who is one of the heroes of Rogues' Gallery, is still remembered and widely admired today, while once-world famous "socialites" like the Bradley Martins have been pretty much forgotten.

Were you prepared for the cold shoulders that came with the publication of the book?
From the museum and its supporters, yes, of course, I expected it. I also expected that television "news" would ignore the book, since all it is interested in these days is pointless, counter-productive partisan bickering, fake memoirs, and tales of celebrity sexcapades and stints in rehab. But the echoing silence of the mainstream press, reporters and editors whom I considered colleagues or comrades-in-arms and whom I assumed and expected would understand and appreciate, if not agree with or admire, the work itself and the motivations behind it, came as a shock. And I'm not just talking about the sort of lapdogs mentioned above who prefer being served lunch to serving their readers or viewers. Far worse are those who claim to operate without fear or favor yet buckled under to pressure and threats from the museum and its friends. I don't want to single anyone out, even though I now know a lot about what happened and who did what, since the media business is in so much trouble that they are scared of their own shadows these days, but to put it as simply as I can, IMHO they disgraced themselves.

How did you avoid taking that treatment personally?
Sometimes you do. Then you get over it. Otherwise, you'd be paralyzed. Bottom line, unlike so many of the people I write about, I have to make a living in order to keep myself fed and housed--and that means doing your job and then moving on. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Who or what are some subjects that you wish someone would write an exposing book on (that you wouldn't necessarily do yourself?)
I'd love to read an unauthorized biography of Barbara Walters. I actually tried to pitch one once, and was effectively told, "What are you, crazy?" I can't wait for Kitty Kelley's book on Oprah. There are any number of insiders in various high-profile arts and industries whose honest tell-all memoirs I'd love to read, but they'd probably never write them, unfortunately, and in many cases would be well-advised not. I also think there's a great book yet to be written about the precipitous decline of newspapers and long form magazine journalism in America, and who and what forces are really behind it. While the web has certainly accelerated the process, I don't think it's the villain it's being made out to be. But I wouldn't touch that book with a ten-foot pole. I'm in enough trouble with the MSM already!

How do you choose your subjects?
The idea for each of my books has come to me differently. Before his death, I asked Richard Avedon if he thought a book on Vogue and Harpers' Bazaar was a good idea, and he suggested writing one on models, instead. I next wanted to write a biography of Timothy Leary, the LSD guru, but my publisher talked me into writing My Generation instead. I'm still not sure which idea was worse. Ralph Lauren asked me to write his biography, then balked at being candid, so I continued without him. Having then written a book on a faux American aristocrat, I wanted to write next about real ones and 740 Park was the result. I thought a natural follow-up to that would be a similar book investigating the philanthropic and cultural endeavors of American wealth--and that's Rogues' Gallery. I'm now working on another follow-up of sorts to 740 Park about high end real estate in Los Angeles. I joke that I thought it would be a good idea to get out of Dodge for a while, and the weather there is a lot better, but really, it's just as good a story as the ones I've told about New Yorkers, only far less-well-known. I think it will be a revelation to a lot of people, including a lot of Angelenos.

Who are some of your favorite (for lack of a better word) muckrakers?
Gawd, there are so many. But I don't think of them as raking muck, so much as turning over stones and lovingly chronicling what they find: (in alphabetical order, and to name but a few) Cleveland Amory, Stephen Birmingham, John Brooks, Christopher Buckley, Truman Capote, William Cohan, Nik Cohn, Charlotte Curtis, Dominick Dunne, Joe Esterhazs, Anthony Haden-Guest, Michael Herr, Daniel Okrent, Gerald Posner, James Stewart, Taki, Gay Talese, Hunter Thompson, Tom Wolfe. And in terms of people writing right now, I think Steve Fishman of New York magazine is terrific. I like non-fiction with muscle that's beholden to no one. Bloodless prose doesn't do it for me.

How has the business of modeling changed in the 15 years since you wrote Model?
It's not as interesting! I was very lucky. Model came along at the very tip of the bell curve, when the pioneers were still alive and kicking, magazines still had some life in them, and fashion was on the upswing. Ever since, it's all been corporatized, down-sized, and anonymized. Models are outshadowed by Hollywood sock puppets. And it's a shame. Thank God Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, and Karen Mulder are still around to give Page Six and People something fun to write about!

What did Calvin Klein not want revealed in the article you wrote on him?
I don't know what he didn't want revealed, but he sure did fight back, pulling millions of dollars of advertising out of New York magazine on the day I started reporting without his permission--and keeping it out for years. At that point, I didn't yet have my (now well-deserved) rep for insufficient reverence of the rich and famous. I was wet behind the ears, just escaped from the New York Times, where they wouldn't let you nibble anyone, let alone nip them! I guess the simple fact that I was willing to undertake a write-around, in other words, an article written around a subject who'd first agreed to cooperate, then reneged, scared him. Even though I pulled a lot of punches, I'm still proud of that story. Nowadays, magazines only do that sort of story about someone who's dead, dying, in decline or on their way to prison!

Have you listened to Bob Dylan's Christmas album yet? What's that all about?
El Zimmo can do no wrong, as far as I'm concerned. I even laugh along with Self Portrait. But no, I haven't heard it. I'm waiting for his version of "Dreidel Dreidel."

You've done interviews with famous subjects: what were some of your most awkward or unpleasant experiences?
The time I interviewed Brian Wilson on the Beach Boys in the hallway outside a Saturday Night Live taping, as he extolled the virtues of LSD at top volume while the crowd listened. The time Richard Pryor was so uncooperative and just plain mean, I shut off my recorder and walked out. The time I waited for hours for Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones to come out of Electric Lady studio--only to have a tired and emotional Mick Jagger arrive (a bodyguard supporting each arm) at 2 AM and insist on over-dubbing some vocals with Woody--thereby killing my assignment. The time I interviewed Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes and realized too late that I'd hit play instead of record. And of course, having the Metropolitan Museum's chief lawyer arrive and end my interview with the Greek and Roman curator Dietrich von Bothmer by standing in the doorway, arms crossed, smiling, but clearly not happy to find me there. She won that battle, but I think I won the war.

What's been the most titillating (and well-written/accurate) piece you've read lately that you didn't write?
Actually, it's a novel, Past Imperfect by Julian Fellowes, a sort of mystery novel of manners about a man remembering and revisiting a late 1960s debutante season in the current day. It's so well observed, so laugh out loud funny, I wish I'd written it. As far as magazines go, it's been so long since I read anything I can say that about, I'm coming up dry. Usually, these days, magazine stories just annoy me. They're either sterling examples of why writers should avoid the first person, sloppy blow jobs of over-exposed celebrities, or as mentioned above, eviscerations of the dead and dying. I'm a firm believer in afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted by making it clear that their betters aren't, necessarily. But come to think of it, Michael Hirschhorn's cover story on the last decade in this week's New York magazine is one of those rare pieces that captures lightning on the page. He's as good a thinker as he is a writer. 'schorn rocks.

How does it feel to be the 247th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
It feels like a cup of hot cider and a cherry wood fire on a day when it's 7 degrees outside. In fact, it is 7 degrees outside today. So thanks for keeping me in!

7 PM at the Book Cellar. Come on, it's free!

Also, "So You Think You Can Dance" has wrapped. What a ride! Additionally, I interviewed the costume designer from the show, Soyon An.

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you did a good job decorating that Christmas tree

will you marry me?

happy birthday, Grandma!

you're a nice dog

touchdown!

I am staunchly in favor of marriage rights for gays

I think I'm bleeding to death

Michelle Bachelet: She's Chilean?

Ban Ki-moon: Well look at you, Dapper Dan

Silvio Berlusconi: He just finished saying something that will get him hit in the face.

Brian Cowen: A less-sexy Rick Moranis

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: Flat-head

Cristina Fernández: God help Barack Obama if he somehow found the time to make his nails look that nice

Heinz Fischer: Cool hair. All of it.

Tarja Halonen: Conan!

Lech Kaczyński: Aw, he looks like a nice fella. Go Poland!

Paul Kagame: Nerd.

Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: Neckbeard?

Dmitry Medvedev: Better-looking than I expected

René Préval: Good eye-smiling. Also, the only baldy in the bunch.

Muammar al-Gaddafi: Girlfriend should have splurged on the good plastic surgeon

Andry Rajoelina: is he as young as he looks? (answer: almost)

Anote Tong: I wonder if he has a cool story about that scar

Jacob Zuma: I love him!

Mahmoud Abas: Why so serious?

Also: I wrote about Dexter last night. It was a doozy of a season finale.

PS if you want to know when I realized I was a pop culture dork, go here.

Ever since we got our dog all I wanted was for him to be in an awesome Christmas card picture with our two cats and I'm proud to say that we are closer than ever to achieving this. Witness:

If we can just get them to wear little Santa hats then we'll be gold. Still one problem though: our stupid other cat. For some reason she is averse to snuggling with our 80 pound dog. So I think we have to wait another year to make this happen, unless I can employee my flawless photo-"shopping" skills:

Perfect! Surely baby Jesus would weep with joy knowing that he was being born into a world full of such wondrous things as this.

When your office puts out holiday treats, make sure you get some because Christ knows how long it'll be until you see that stuff again.

Office holiday parties aren't the same without getting wasted and getting wasted isn't the same without ordering a late-night pizza

If you receive food as a gift, make sure you eat it all, in front of the person who gave it to you, or else his or her feelings will be hurt

When it comes to a party buffet, skip the crudités. Waste of time.

Host an "ugly holiday sweater" party so you don't have to worry about how you look and better yet, everyone around you will look dumb too.

Don't go to the gym. It's cold!

Also cold: water. Avoid drinking that and use Starbucks-brand Caramel Apple Cider instead.

One more note about those Starbucks drinks: you're really not enjoying them unless you top them with whipped cream.

When taking down the Christmas tree, take those decorative candy canes and use them to make these delicious cookies. Do not share.

This list is fictional, in case you didn't know. Speaking of deadly, I interviewed John Lithgow for the L.A. Times yesterday on his role as the spooktacular Trinity Killer on "Dexter."

She does a standup routine with her (flatulent, bucktoothed) ventriloquist's dummy.

Gaga sings her newest song, and after about 30 seconds splits in half (crosswise) and out steps a smaller Gaga. After another 30 seconds, this happens again. And again. And again. Then at the end: a monkey. And after that: a teacup.

Gaga Twitters (isn't that what all the kid are doing these days?)

Come up with a dance that everybody can do, especially at sporting events and on Youtube. Have Gaga do this dance in a really cool outfit.

Lady Gaga is a huge eyeball (named Lady Eyeball). Lady Eyeball sings, dances, wears avant-garde outfits, and at the end of the video...closes.

Lady Gaga is a mad scientist, or rather, she will be, once she obtains her PhD first which she'll never do until she finishes her dissertation, which is what the video is about.

Lady Gaga and her backup dancers all wear red plastic "energy dome" hats and encourage people to "whip it"

A cartoon featuring dancing sea monkeys and they all have sex at the end

The video is a reenactment of the film "Casablanca" except that everyone in it is a mummy, and also in the middle there is a break for an homage to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" except that has multiple allusions to "Alice in Wonderland" except everyone is a secret vampire/sexy Nazi.

Something with a lot of poodles dyed crazy colors.

Susie Thompkins, from season 8 of the show, has maintained a weight loss of 200 pounds, from 300 down to 100. She says she eats what she wants, but merely supplements it with a dose of crystal methamphetamine. She enjoys sighing heavily whenever she sees a person on the bus taking up more than his or her allotted seat space.

Henriette Smith and Roger Bowen are happily married, after each having lost over 100 pounds on the show. They married each other because no one else wants to listen to their healthy living bullshit.

Todd Burch, season 9, is still down to 200 pounds from 400. He quit his job as a lawyer and now has a thriving business selling comfortable couches to overweight people. "I know what they like," he says proudly.

Jill Young lost ten more pounds since her season finale, 110 pounds down from a total of 250. She is a personal trainer because she wants to "pay it forward." Also, to make a little cash because her husband left her after her weight loss for getting too uppity.

Paul Oakley, season 10, is still keeping a svelte figure, down from 400 pounds to 180, which he constantly enjoys rubbing in the face of his fat family

Kimmie Phillips, season 11, is happy at 150 pounds, 25 pounds up from her "Biggest Loser" finale weight but still down from 300 pounds. She blames her stupid family and job for the weight gain.

Owen George is fat again, back up to 300 pounds after having lost 100 pounds, because eating is more fun than exercise and screw you.

Because, after all, an apology was the only thing I really needed from you in the first place. I didn't need your explanations, or your gifts, or your sad-faces. I didn't need the histrionics or the blaming or even the Nike merchandise. I just wanted you to take personal responsibility for whatever it was you did.

We both know that we had an agreement that you would place your family above all else--even The Game (I mean the rapper The Game, not the game of golf or EA Sports' Tiger Woods PGA Tour or even the game of Monopoly, I mean, come on, all those things were there first).

I'm not sure what you did, but I'm positive that you will reveal it to me in due time since we all know you can't keep a secret from me. But in the meantime, a nebulous apology makes me feel better for the personal distress the possibility that you have not been a model father and husband has caused me.

It positively ruined my Thanksgiving to learn that you had maybe potentially done something bad and at the very least messed up your car. But moreover, I am disappointed to learn that you are the first professional athlete in the history of the world to give into temptation. Every night when I went to bed with my husband I said "I hope we can only have as strong a relationship as Tiger Woods and his wife have." After all, you play golf. You have such nice teeth. How could you possibly have let me down in this way?

My faith was almost shaken--I was starting to think that I was maybe becoming jaded, just assuming that athletes, movie stars and yes, even my beloved politicians (I love them all!) were vulnerable to cheap and easy sex, but your apology proved to me that you really care what I think and that you won't do it again. I will continue to uphold the same standards for all the other famous men I've never met whose marriages I like to know are doing well.

I am mollified by your apology, because it means that you know you have hurt the person who matters most in this situation: me. And you're taking responsibility for it. I'm just glad that your sponsors have held on to you, because god knows what would happen if the money stopped coming in, although I am a little bit worried that by continuing to endorse you, Nike, Gillette and all the rest are inherently telling the world that women are just objects and the institution of marriage is a farce. But I am sure that they are working hard to ensure that, like you, they address how I, Claire Zulkey, feel about whatever it is that you did.

Tonight my good old friend Meghan and I will be reading at the Reconstruction Room, "a monthly theme party -- with art, literature and performance". Tonight's theme is "The Death of Print" so naturally Meghan and I will be reading death poems from our 7th grade class poetry book. Please come and wear black.

PS if for some reason you want to support my husband and not me, he will be at the Encyclopedia Show.

I am off to the Arizona wilderness where I am going to kill a bear with my own bare hands, unless it kills me first which I think is HIGHLY UNLIKELY. I will be back Wednesday, December 2.

I am off to the Arizona wilderness where I am going to kill a bear with my own bare hands, unless it kills me first which I think is HIGHLY UNLIKELY. I will be back Wednesday, December 2.

Run and throw
The quarterback throws the ball to a guy who is running away but doing so in a way so that no one can get him. Hopefully you are already near the endzone but if not you might have to do some running, I hope that is OK.

Run and make a touchdown
This is self-explanatory. Do not get tackled

Make the other team get a penalty
I'm not sure how you do this--can you make someone grab your helmet? Or maybe say "I think they blew the whistle" when they didn't yet so you can make the bad guys get a false start call. Just keep doing this until the other team is penalized so many times that you push them all the way back until you get a touchdown.

Field goals
Get a really good field goal kicker and just make sure wherever he is, he can kick a field goal.

Get the other team drunk
The night before the game, pretend like you want to get to know the other team better before the game and take them out for a wild night. Buy them a lot of drinks. But when it's your time to drink, just pretend to drink. The next day you will be ready to execute all your great plays and the other team will be tired, hungover and cranky.

Special shoes
Have you heard about these shoes that give you a workout just by wearing them? If your team can get them you will have an even better workout than you were having before.

Donovan McNabb
Can we get Donovan McNabb to play for us? He's good and he seems nice plus he does commercials with his mom which means he must be trustworthy.

Today I chat with the author of Back Home, a Young Adult novel that tells the story Rachel, a 15 year old girl whose father returns from the Iraq War with wounds that affect the whole family. Julia Keller is also the author of Mr. Gatling's Terrible Marvel: The Gun That Changed Everything and the Misunderstood Genius Who Invented It (Viking, 2008), which will be published in paperback by Penguin in May 2009. She's a cultural critic for the Chicago Tribune, an essayist for The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer on PBS and in 2005, she won the Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.

How did you decide to write Back Home as a YA book?
I didn't, really. I wanted to tell this story, and the story I wanted to tell happened to be Rachel's. She's 15. It wasn't a conscious decision as much as it was an acknowledgment that the story was there, right there, waiting for me to come along and tell it.

How did you reach the right tone for Rachel?
I hope it's the right tone. Her voice was so present to me, such a part of me. I never had to stop while writing and wonder, "WWRD" (What Would Rachel Do)? I knew. To borrow a phrase from Flaubert, "Rachel, c'est moi."

What type of research did you do on veterans of recent wars?
I read several books about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, along with the many superb works of journalism that have come out of these wars. But I want to emphasize that "Back Home" is fiction, not fact. (Because I've worked as a journalist, I often have to remind people of that. A friend asked me what the Brownings thought about how I'd portrayed them. I said, "Um -- they don't exist. I made them up." And she said, "Yeah, yeah, sure -- but did they like the book? Did you call and tell them it was out?")

What are your favorite Young Adult books?
My life was never the same after reading "A Wrinkle in Time" as a kid. "The Hobbit" might not be officially classified as a YA book, but it is. Plus some books that nobody else seems to have read, but that haunt me (in a good way): "The Forgotten Door," "The Artificial Man," "The Five-Dollar-Watch Mystery." I love sports fiction; the great novels by John R. Tunis, such as "Go, Team, Go!" and "Schoolboy Johnson" really resonate. Ray Bradbury's "The Martian Chronicles" is an aquifer that never runs dry.

Among my contemporaries, I'm a Neil Gaiman fan; my favorite of his books is the story collection, "M is for Magic." Laurie Halse Anderson is another brilliant writer whose works are officially classified as YA -- but which have meaning for anyone of any age. And I'll go to my grave insisting that J.K. Rowling is one of the greatest writers of our generation: she created and populated a fictional world of elegant beauty and impossible authenticity and profound intellectual heft. And her books are fun to read, too; that's no small thing.

The current vampire stuff leaves me cold. There. I said it.

For Mr. Gatling's Terrible Marvel, how'd you come to choose Gatling as a subject?
I came across his life story in the course of research on another topic, was astonished to find there was no major biography, and set to work. Gatling was a brilliant inventor and a thoughtful individual, a man who embodied the American Dream as it was manifested in the 19th Century: One worked hard, dreamed big, and one's fortunes rose or fell according to one's own talents and efforts -- not charity, not handouts, not shortcuts or good PR. The Gatling Gun represented an intellectual shift as well as a change in armaments. For the first time, one could kill an enemy en masse, not one at a time. The Gatling ushered in a period of terrible destructiveness -- but also signaled to the world that the United States was a new world force to be reckoned with. And it all began in the mind of a man with no formal education, no training, a farmer's son who stepped forth into the world in the 1840s, determined to make his mark. And did.


Did your research for the book change how you view firearms when you set out to write it?
I learned a great deal about the immense significance of firearms to American history. In terms of firearms owned by individuals, I come from a state --West Virginia--that respects the rights of law-abiding gun owners and hunters and sportsmen, and I've always been proud of that. Hunters and sportsmen began the tradition of nature conservation in this country; without them, we very likely wouldn't have the great national park system that we do. And to return to my first point: Without a strong military, which Gatling's invention helped to support and fortify, we wouldn't be the force for tolerance and justice that we are in the world today, and a beacon for democracy I admire our gunmakers and firearms innovators very much.

Did you ever shoot a Gatling gun? What was it like?
I did! And I loved it. I went to several gun shows and Civil War reenactments and was able to fire Gatlings. They are beautifully crafted machines that work exquisitely well. One must be very strong to be proficient at operating a Gatling Gun, but even with my weak-armed pathetic attempt, I could feel and appreciate the gun's tremendous power.

Which of these two books was harder to write?
Interesting question. Hard to say. I think all writing is difficult; it's perfectionism that must be cleverly disguised as effortlessness.

When you won your Pulitzer Prize, what did you do to celebrate?
I went out to dinner that night with the Tribune colleagues who were involved with the series. One always feels a little odd at such times; I mean, winning is wonderful, but so many journalism awards are won for chronicling terrible disasters in which people have suffered and died. My series was about a tornado that ripped apart a small Illinois town. So it's peculiar to be toasting oneself and pasting "I am the greatest!" stickers on one's school locker.

What do you do for column ideas when you're feeling stuck?
Hardly ever happens, to tell you the truth. Keep in mind that I receive dozens of new books each week from publishers, and my problem is usually the opposite: deciding what I have space and time for. So many good books go unremarked upon, which is a pity.

Sometimes I'm astounded by the ridiculous comments people post on newspaper websites. Do you read your comments or interact with your readers?
Two different questions, certainly, because I don't think of reading comments on chicagotribune.com to be "interacting" with readers. If readers want to reach me, they know where to find me -- and they do! The comments on web sites are too often anonymous; to me, if you won't sign your name, why should anybody listen to you? I sign my name to what I write.

But I do respond to virtually every email sent to me. (The slight hedge is because if the writer is offensive or profane, I don't reply.) I received hundreds of emails after a column I wrote during the presidential primary about the sexist and unseemly media treatment of Sen. Clinton; I replied to every one.

How does it feel to be the 246th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Fabulous! Although I'm secretly jealous of Nos. 1-245.

In case you were wondering, is 15 too old for a spanking? I think you'll find the answer here.

I had a HILARIOUS piece planned about how Sammy Sosa looks weird lately but I have all these things coming up and I thought I would tell you about them. Also, I really enjoyed SYTYCD last night.

First: the opening of Open Books. I'm going to be speaking on a YA panel and there will be a lot of other things going on. I have a cute button for that so here that is:

I think it should be a fun time!

Then, on December 2 at the Reconstruction Room, my friend Meghan and I are going to read bizarrely morbid poetry from a book published by our eighth grade class to honor the Death of Print. You have to check that out.

December 17 How To Be Inappropriate author Daniel Nester and I are reading at the Book Cellar, my favorite bookstore in Chicago. You can eat cheese and drink booze there, how can you not like that?

In New York it looks like I am going to do a reading January 14: details to come but if you live in the city and want to say hi, that is the time! Then after that I'm doing Reading Under the Influence on Feb 3 and the Encyclopedia Show March 3 but I'll fill you in on that later because it's freaking me out to know I have plans that far in advance.

You know who I am a fan of, though? "Project Runway"'s Tim Gunn. I interviewed him yesterday! It was awesome.

I am a red. I appreciate when others are direct and state the facts quickly. I am a raging racist which is evident to everyone else because I spend a lot of time pointing out how everyone else around me is racist.

I'm a blue. I enjoy having all the details and time to process them. I take shameless advantage when free food is put out for all to share.

I am a yellow. I am spontaneous and like personal connection. I am that person in the bathroom who is silently sitting there when you arrive and silently sitting when you leave.

I'm a green, which means that I'm sensitive and like to be approached as courteously as possible, even though I am a huge bitch.

Hey I have things for you to read if you like. My writeup of Dexter for the LA Times. I contributed to this. And check out this great post Melissa Walker did on my book's cover.

Things to check out:
1.) My husband's films tonight at the Lincoln Lodge--I hear that this lineup in general is super-strong.
2.) My holiday entertainment ritual
3.) My thoughts on Project Runway

Today I interview the author of the very popular new book How I Became a Famous Novelist, which has been tickling readers and general book insiders alike greatly. Before that he was a writer for "Late Night with David Letterman" and "American Dad!" and before that the president of the Harvard Lampoon, so you know the guy knows funny.

You penned various types of fake writing for your book (Pete's book, the fake New York Times bestseller list, etc). Which were the most fun?
The fake New York Times list was very fun. The writing on the bestseller list is so weird and wonderful, with such arch precision. Here is a true life example from this week: "A family of deranged evangelicals is somehow involved in a conspiracy that has left Bob Lee Swagger's daughter in a coma." Who wrote that?

The book is about a guy who writes a book to impress his ex. Now that you've gone through the process a few times, do you find that a published book is suitably impressive?
I don't know how impressive it is. If someone told me they wrote a book, my first reaction would be suspicion.

Book writing is hard, I've learned. Which part of getting How I Became A Famous Novelist to publication was the most difficult?
Sitting down in a chair and starting to write is the hardest part. The next hardest part is resisting the constant pull to go on the internet.

Is there any word on your book becoming a movie? If so what type of casting do you see for it?
I'd like for that to happen, just because I'd like to see it.

How does an issue of the Harvard Lampoon get put together? Those of us who did not attend Harvard know of the Lampoon as a finishing school for some of our finest comedy writers but have not even vague clues of what life is like at the publication.
Mostly we would sit around, engaging in secret rituals or watching TV. From time to time someone would get up the initiative to decide to put an actual magazine out, but this was rare.

What's made you laugh lately?
The drunken ewoks on the Today Show, Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the tweets of Dana Gould.

What's the last besteller book you read? Did you enjoy it?
I read Elegance of the Hedgehog, and I did enjoy it. It's about quiet people who like to read, which might partially explain its success.

What were some of the biggest fights over jokes you got into in late night writing rooms?
I don't recall too much fighting, as I was trying to avoid getting fired. More seething. The most violent fights were about where to eat lunch.

What do you think are currently the tiredest joke topics on late night?
I haven't been watching too much late night TV lately, but from what I've seen, it's getting a little odder and more inventive. They seem to be doing some interesting stuff on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

What would you consider to be a film version of your book (IE one that sends up the film industry).
The Player is probably tops in this genre.

Did writing about writing free you up or did it ever trip you up?
It was sticky, because writing is a boring, sedentary activity, so I tried to find ways to keep it lively and active. But writing anything requires a semi-delusional mind, so that can be hearty comedy feed.

With the Ridiculous Race, which came first, the book or the trip? Would the trip have happened without the book attached to it and if so do you think that would have affected your enjoyment of it?
The idea of a race around the world came first. The book was just a means of paying for it. But knowing that we'd have to turn in a book about it forced us to have more adventures than we might have otherwise. I'd be lying in bed in Mongolia, say, utterly exhausted, but instead of sleeping I'd think, "welp, I can't write about napping all day, so I better go meet some nomads."

What are you working on now?
I am a writer on "30 Rock."

How does it feel to be the 245th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I've read (and enjoyed) a bunch of your other interviews, so I have no excuse for not preparing a snappy answer to this question.

"So You Think You Can Dance" coverage and I wrote about why "Arrested Development" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" are two of the best shows of the decade.

Thanks to all who came out to Funny Ha-Ha last night--good times.

Back with a fun and cool interview tomorrow!

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I actually started writing one about a fake paparazzi service that comes to teenage parties and publishes "magazines" about the "stars" but then I just felt old and crabby and decided to quit. Such is life, right?

If you wanted to read some things I wrote elsewhere you can see what I consider my "drop-everything" movies at the AV Club, my analysis of last night's "Project Runway" and my wrap-up thoughts on "Dracula" here. I will also have some interviews for you when they come back to me.

But I'm really here to talk about the bald bear. This is Dolores, a bear from a zoo in Leipzig, Germany. What she usually looks like, anyway:

But lately Dolores and her other female companion have come down with an affliction that would horrify most women--her hair has fallen out and now she looks like this:

The bald bear elicited so many emotions from me that I'm simply captivated by it. I feel the need to sort out my feelings. For instance:

1) Humor. I can't help it but something about peeved/embarrassed-looking animals is funny to me. Maybe because they usually look so stoic so seeing an animal with a look of human-type annoyance (especially with the squinched-up eyes), an emotion I can well identify with, is delightfully unusual.

2) Fear. If you were walking in the woods and that bald bear ambled by you you would possibly think it was a werewolf, wouldn't you? You would.

3) Disgust. It's not so much the baldness but the sagginess. And the feet. Bald bear feet=not cute.

4) Sympathy. I feel bad for Dolores. I would feel horrible if I lost my hair, and I need it even less than she does.

Anyway. I just wanted to share the bald bear with you and see, if like me, she made you feel real human emotions for the first time in a long time I guess the old saying is true: a bald bear is sad and funny and scary and weird.

I'm just trying to make a buck and I thought it was a nice idea. Sure, we only have enough room in the back for one person, maybe two shortish adults, but think about how nice that would be. You'd have a lot of privacy because it would only be you (and maybe your shortish friend). Your grave would never get overgrown because a.) I tend to the back area and b.) grass doesn't grow there anyway. In fact, you might actually technically be under the patio but it's not like you were going to be enjoying the sunshine anyway, right? Plus, you'd have plenty of company: barbecuing, having drinks outside--sometimes my husband even hangs out there doing work with both our dog and one of our cats. How nice would that be? During the summer anytime. During the winter you'd have way more "quiet time."

So what's the problem? Why do I need to follow all these rules and regulations just to give someone a nice, quiet, very personal resting spot? I'm just trying to make a buck and also honor the dignity of whatever. I don't have time for a background check and I don't have money for a license so why am I being punished? I'm not going to do anything, like, gross, so get off my back. Jesus!

1) Can't root for the Yankees. I'm sorry to my one friend out there who is a Yankees fan who is cool (hi, Liz) but it's just impossible. It would maybe be easier without Alex Rodriguez. Still, if I'm being honest with myself, that wouldn't make me like them more, just dislike them less. The Yankees have, first of all, just won too many times for me to ever think "Gee I hope those Yankees fans finally get a chance to celebrate." I'm not a Cubs fan but just think about that--there are teams out there that have had entire generations be born and die without seeing a World Series victory. And also, I have a sneaking suspicion that Yankees fans think they invented cheering. That "Let's go/TEAMNAME" is not unique, Yankees fans! You didn't invent it. I do like Joe Girardi fine though because he is a homie. But that's it.

2) Can't root for the Phillies. I don't believe in repeats in general unless it's the 1990's Bulls. But moreover, after having seen the White Sox through to the World Series in 2005, I know HOW LONG and HOW HARD it is to get the World Series. To see the same team in them two years in a row just seems terribly dull.

3) Don't have money on it.

But for some reason I am still paying attention. I guess because with each game I think "Damn, I can't believe the stupid Phillies/Yankees won, but at least the Yankees/Phillies lost."

I possibly shouldn't publish it. It was borne of a joke my husband and I had going in the car last week. But I don't have anything else for you today so proceed with caution. if you want to read less silly things you can read which entertainment scared me and also what I thought of Project Runway last night. Also, we're almost all wrapped up with Dracula!

And now, for your reading "pleasure", a story whose origins come from me asking my husband "If you wrote a song for a James Bond film what would it be called? The answer being "Jingly Jingly (Kitty Kitty)." Here is the explanation of the accompanying movie.

When my wife and I are together, often in the car, I like to share with her some of my brilliant ideas for films. Although she is not a big shot Hollywood producer or a filmmaker herself, I enjoy exposing her to the unlimited potential I feel the medium is capable of, while also hoping to reaffirm her belief that she has selected an intelligent, thoughtful life partner.

The other day, as we were driving home, I decided to tell her about an idea I'd just had for a new James Bond movie. As you know, the last two films, Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace, have given the decades-old franchise a much needed boost. My film, I believe, will continue this trajectory at an even greater pace.

The film begins with James Bond digging a hole somewhere. He digs and digs, and when he feels it's deep enough, he crawls out and covers it with twigs and fallen branches. He roots around in his pockets a bit and brings out his keys. He begins to shake them, so they make a jingly, jingly noise. This draws the attention of his arch nemesis, Kitty Kitty, a grown man in a black, latex suit, with a tail and whiskers drawn in grease paint on his face. The sound intrigues Kitty Kitty and he cautiously approaches. Bond has to maneuver him just so until, whamo, Kitty Kitty falls into the pit. Bond says something witty like "Looks like you fell into that hole!" and then he runs off. The rest of the movie sees Bond driving around in a car. Not any special sort of tricked out car, just a regular one. I think the film should be called Jingly Jingly and this variation of the iconic opening sequence should feature the original John Barry arrangement, except played on one of those synthesizers where it sounds like cats are singing.

To my wife, and now to her readers, I say "You're welcome!"

I am considering making this a recurring series because to me, overreacting to things is both emotionally gratifying and also hilarious. One time my friend Jess and I were watching the show "Intervention" and this huffer was on and Jess went "What? She huffs computer cleaner?" and then she uttered a REALLY loud and strongly said profanity that really was not required but its brute strength was hilarious.

Anyway.

I forgot my goddamn lunch today. It is not actually a real problem when you think about all the real problems in the world but you know in your own tiny world when you get up early and you work out and you make yourself a healthful YET delicious salad and you're halving grapes like a crazy person and washing the apple ahead of time and measuring out a portion of peanut butter to enjoy and you get on the bus and feel ok about everything and are really looking to eating that lunch later and you flash back with horror to your lunch happily sitting on the table in the kitchen which is rapidly getting farther behind you, then, well, you just want to curse with unnecessary loudness and strength. You mourn your wasted time and good intentions. The money you spent on the groceries spent for that lunch seems like the most savage waste of money in the history of time. And then you have to start thinking about what you WILL do for lunch because it will take too long to go back home and get your lunch and you ponder what out there will equal the delicious healthfulness of your first lunch and the answer is NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL so you might as well just GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING.

I feel better now. I may try this the next time I bite my tongue or something (another great thing to overreact to).

1.) Tonight at the Book Cellar! Check out the info here along with a nice article about the crew (hint I will sign books that I wrote other than the Inventory book if you want tonight).

2.)

#1:

#2:

A Hat A Dog That Isn't Mine Wore This Weekend

Hello! Would you like to read a brief interview with me? How about my thoughts on Project Runway? Or what I watch when I'm sick?

Today I'm interviewing quite a talented young lady (she's young because she's my age). Cristina Henríquez is the author of the novel The World In Half and Come Together, Fall Apart: A Novella and Stories, which was a New York Times Editors' Choice selection. Her work has been published in The New Yorker and The Atlantic along with the anthologies This is Not Chick Lit: Original Stories by America's Best Women Writers, State by State: A Panoramic Portrait of America and Thirty Ways of Looking at Hillary: Women Writers Reflect on the Candidate and What Her Campaign Meant. She is a recipient of the Alfredo Cisneros Del Moral Foundation Award, a grant started by Sandra Cisneros in honor of her father.

What specifically did you get out of Iowa Writers Workshop that you didn't learn anywhere else?
First, I got validation. Until I went to Iowa, I knew that I liked writing, that I wasn't terrible at it, and that the idea of being a writer one day sounded appealing. But I didn't really know how realistic it was as a career goal. And I didn't really know whether I was being delusional about my abilities. The day I got the call that I'd been accepted there (the first graduate school I heard back from), it made me feel like there might actually be potential for me. I also learned the discipline it takes to be a writer. Iowa is unique in that students' only real academic responsibility is workshop. So you have oodles and oodles of time - more so than in most graduate programs - outside of the classroom, and it's up to you to decide how to spend that time. It forced me to make my own schedule and figure out what worked for me. It sort of cemented my work habits, and that was a very useful thing. Lastly, I learned craft.

There's all this talk - writing can't be taught, MFA programs are evil, etc. - and I can only speak for myself, but I learned so much at Iowa about how to write, how to tell a story, how to develop a character, all of that, and from many different perspectives and teachers with varying sensibilities. I have all my notebooks from my two years at Iowa and I still open them every once in a while to find something that Chris Offutt said about dialogue or something that Sam Chang said about structure or that Marilynne Robinson said about subordinate clauses. I could not have gotten that specific knowledge anywhere else.

In terms of revisions and rounds with the editors, which was harder to publish in the New Yorker, fiction or nonfiction?
Fiction, definitely. Partly because the fiction I've published there is much longer than the nonfiction. But no matter the length, I will say that the editing process - including fact-checking (yes, even for fiction) - is the most rigorous I've ever been through. I've had many memorable discussions with editors there about one word (a particular chlorine vs.
ammonia debate went on for days) or one punctuation mark. That might sound obsessive, but it's simply that the editorial staff takes enormous pride in their work and in the magazine generally and in the idea of only letting into the world a very high quality product. Which, to me, is both refreshing and thrilling. It's also extremely educational.

As an artist, what do you get out of living in Chicago?
I like living somewhere that has a strong literary history and a burgeoning literary community, but that's pretty laid-back about it. I like participating when I want to, and being able to bury my head and get some distance from it when I want to, too. Chicago accommodates both of those urges perfectly.

What's your writing schedule?
These days I write Monday afternoon, Tuesday morning, and Thursday morning. 2 hours each. Occasionally I work on Sunday morning, too. Basically, whenever I can get a babysitter.

Do you feel any sense of added pressure to continue a certain amount of standard of work when critics can't help but note your young age in addition to your talent?
No. I put plenty of pressure on myself already to do work that I'm happy with. I try very hard not to let anyone add to that. Besides, I love it when people say I'm young because increasingly (and especially now that I have a child), I don't feel like I am.

Do you get a lot of people asking you for free writing advice or "how to publish a book"? What do you tell them?
When I do a reading, there's usually an aspiring writer or two in the audience who asks me some variation on that question. I have two essential pieces of writing advice. The first is: Read. A lot. The second is: The more you worry about being published, the less likely you are to be published. Meaning that getting something published shouldn't be your immediate goal as you're writing. Your goal should be to write the best thing you're capable of. That is it. If you do that, publication won't be far.

I'm curious about how you make your outlines for writing. How long does it take to put one together? Where do you do it, and (seriously) do you use outline form?
I don't outline short stories. The less I know about what's going to happen, the better the story usually turns out. But novels are a different monster. Basically, I write for about 50 pages with only the vaguest idea of what I'm doing. Then I step back and look at it, sort of brainstorm about all the different directions the plot could take, settle on one that makes sense and then start jotting down one-liners of scenes that would need to occur to fulfill it. I open an Excel file, where I list a timeline down the left. I break it up into segments dispersed over the timeframe of that particular book.

So for The World in Half, which took place over the course of about a month or so, I broke it up by days. One cell for each day of the week. Next to the day, I insert my one-liner of a scene that will take place on that day.

Sometimes, there are a few scenes in one day. Sometimes none. But that way, by the time I'm finished, I can see the basic ebb and flow of the novel from beginning to end. Of course, as I keep writing, the scenes change or get rearranged. The plot changes direction and I have to redo the outline from that point on. Nothing's set in stone. But it's my loose map as I move forward.

Like you, my editor basically asked me to do a whole rewrite before she could seriously consider my book. Did you at any time just consider scrapping the whole thing?
No. I had 400 pages of a book that I had never been sure in my gut was working. I kept thinking, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe it's fine. But when my editor read it, she validated what I had suspected all along, which is that it needed help. When she said she thought I needed to start over, of course it was total heartbreak. I was in tears about it for a while.

But I also knew she was right. So it wasn't so much the trauma of rejection that got to me as the terrifying thought of having to start over. From scratch. Page 1. But that's part of being a writer. Write 400 pages, realize it won't fly, start over. I might have thought, How will I do this? But I never thought, I won't do this. Almost immediately, I went into problem-solving mode. Okay, then. If I need to start over, what's the new story going to be? How will I tell it? The usual questions. I told my editor I would write 50 pages, and if it felt better to me by then than version 1, I would forge ahead. If not, I would start over again. And again, until I got it. I don't know. I think I just understood that all that sort of stuff - throwing out work, rejection, etc. - is part of the game. You have to understand that if you're going to survive.

What do you do when you're supposed to be writing and just aren't into it?
Research, if I'm still attempting to work in some capacity. Or else I just look at Twitter and Facebook and all the other various and sundry things on the Internet. And if I can't even stand to be around my computer anymore, I clean the house.

How were you selected to contribute to the anthology of essays about Hillary Clinton? Would you write anything different about her today?
The editor of that book was Susan Morrison, who works at the New Yorker, and because I'd been published there, my name somehow got on her radar, and she emailed me to ask if I'd like to contribute. The essay I wrote was about identity because I had started noticing right around then that Hillary was going by Hillary Clinton, as opposed to her former Hillary Rodham Clinton and before that, Hillary Rodham. I wondered what was behind the change. It's still an interesting topic to me insofar as I'm always fascinated by names and naming protocol and identity issues. But it's funny that you should ask if I would write anything different about her today, because almost immediately after the book came out, it occurred to me that I should have written something else altogether. I think it was because I heard a few of the other contributors to the book interviewed on NPR, and there seemed to be an assumption among them or by the interviewer (I can't remember now exactly who said what) that women would back Hillary simply because she was a woman. Which seemed absurd to me. But to many women it was reason enough to vote for her and to want her in the White House. I think there was something generational in that divide, and as one of the younger contributors to the book, I wished I had explored that divide, those assumptions, etc. in an essay.

You contributed to "This Is Not Chick Lit": what chick lit have you read and enjoyed (either guiltily or not?)
I think the foundation of my entire literary career was built on the Sweet Valley High books I read as a girl. I read them cover to cover, again and again. But as an adult, strangely, I haven't read much that would be considered Chick Lit. Maybe that means I should branch out more, or maybe it simply means I know what I like.

What are you working on now?
I'm working on a new novel that I'm very excited about, but that is all I will say.

What do you enjoy when you go for lowbrow entertainment?
TV, TV, TV. I'm a pretty big General Hospital fanatic, and I'll watch almost anything on Bravo or HGTV. I turn to MTV, too, on occasion, although I've gotten old enough now that often it causes me to shake my head in dismay and say things like, "What is this world coming to!"

How does it feel to be the 243rd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I can't even explain the feeling. Maybe this is what it would be like to win the Pulitzer. Or no, the Nobel Prize. Honestly, it feels incredible. I'm over the moon!

I just do not have the magic in me this week so I apologize for the lack of real content but I will have a lovely interview tomorrow. In the meantime you can check out what I thought about "So You Think You Can Dance" last night, plus I know you've been dying to know my thoughts on Dracula. Meanwhile, you should come say hi next week at the Book Cellar. We are also going to be parading our dog at a Pumpkin Parade in Sycamore, IL this weekend but I don't expect you to come to that.

This is Teen Read Week and I would just like to take the very controversial stance that teenagers should read. Here are some reasons why:

--Reading makes you popular. It's true. Reading books is such a foolproof system in terms of making people like you, and sometimes want to ask you to the seasonal school dance, that nobody talks about it. It's a secret. But read a book and you'll find out that everybody wants to be your friend...and more.

--Reading gets you high. Another secret fact. Reading sends you on this awesome trip where you feel more relaxed yet vigilant, food tastes better and music sounds great, even stupid jam band music. But the best part is, nobody tests for reading-highs. They would be illegal if the authorities knew how awesome it is so in the meantime, read up before you have to get a prescription for it.

--Reading makes you thin. But not TOO thin. Not the kind of thin that is unhealthy. Unless you want to look unhealthy. No, forget about that. Reading is good for your body, let's just say that.

--Reading makes you attractive to [name of your favorite celebrity].

--And finally: reading justifies my existence.

Blogged about Dracula for Infinite Summer.

Wrote about road trip mix tapes.

Interviewed the amazing Mia Michaels and then found out that she is leaving :(

Covered Project Runway.

Reviewed the audio version of David Cross' new book.

Appearing at the Book Cellar to promote the AV Club's new book Inventory to which I contributed.

Hosting Funny Ha-Ha on November 11.

Zulkey.com will return on Tuesday. If you need to pass the time until then may I recommend you read a book?

First order of business: Chicagoans, the next Funny Ha-Ha is scheduled for November 11 at the Hideout from 6:30-8 PM and features hilarity from The AV Club, the Tribune's Maureen Ryan, Cast of Shadows author Kevin Guilfoile, scenes from I Saw You, films from Steve Delahoyde and a bit of hosting and reading from me. More details to come.

Secondly, I just need to sing the praises of this ball:

I got it in a little gift bag for appearing at a writers panel thing and I thought "Huh, this is funny" and didn't think much of it. You had an eyeball floating in a ball with some glitter.

It wasn't until a few days later when I discovered how extra-awesome it is when I threw it on the floor to try to raise the interest of my dog--that didn't work but I was thrilled with the results. Not only is the ball extra bouncy, get this: it lights up and flashes and changes colors in a crazy way when you hit it. So let's count the ways this ball is great:

a) bouncey
b) full of liquid
c) eyeball
d) glitter
e) mini stage-show inside the ball

For a while the ball rolled around on the floor and then my husband and I hid it around the house for each other to discover (the shower, someone's underwear drawer, the microwave). Finally we got tired of that and I thought about putting the ball away but I think we just have to play with it forever at least until the light goes out.

So I just wanted to endorse the super most awesome fun toy ever. You don't need to buy any other Christmas presents this year other than this ball. Basically, the only ball ever to beat my ball is this one:

OK, so I'm one to talk. I live in Chicago, the coldest city in the history of time, blah blah blah. But at least the cold doesn't burn down your house, or put holes in the ground, or cover you with mud (usually). The cold doesn't typically make annual news.

But why are we still surprised year after year when California wildfires spread? They spread EVERY YEAR. They are never not going to happen and they are never going to mess everything up. Take a hint, California: the fires are winning. They're burning YOUR shit down and it's not one of those things that can learn a lesson if you just beat it back long enough. Give it up.

And now there are mudslides. I don't know from mudslides, because I live in a nice flat part of the country. But apparently mudslides are also very scary and dangerous. These too happen every year in California. At the very least, why don't you just put up a fence around the area with the mudslides and just avoid it forever? I know I would.

Finally, earthquakes. Oh, we have those too. Never mind, I guess.

I celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday (yes, go me) and got to shop for the first time for an anniversary card for my husband, which was a way more difficult task than I thought. Basically, the cards fell into three messages:

1) "Any modicum of attention you pay to me makes me feel extremely special. Thank you SO much for deigning to be with me. I don't deserve it."

2) "Even though we've had an extremely rough time being married to each other, it hasn't been all bad, right?"

3) "You fart a lot!"

As for #1, that's very sweet but not entirely always the case. Sometimes we go whole stretches of the day not paying any attention to one another and it's kind of nice. I thought marriage means being confident that you're with the person you're with, and not thinking "Oh my goodness: he DOES love me, after all!" at every turn. Maybe after all this year of marriage I'm just jaded.

As for #2, sure, every marriage has not great parts but for me, not so bad that it needs to be put in a card. Sheesh. That's sort of a bummer.

#3: We don't do that.

I just wish they had cards that said "Being married to you is fun! Let's do it another year at least. I heart you."

Instead I just got one with wiener dogs on it.

Don't forget! If you live near Dubuque I will be reading there tomorrow.

Today I continue my recent theme of interviewing authors of books for young people. Folks my age may remember today's interviewee from her time performing with her siblings on the show "In Living Color" and her roles in movies like "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka." She's still performing but now is also the co-author of a popular series of children's books about the character Amy Hodgepodge, a young girl from a mixed-race background who's plunged into a new school after being homeschooled her whole life. Wayans writes the Hodgepodge books with her husband, actor Kevin Knotts.

What tips do you have for people who work creatively with your spouse?
Resist the temptation to discuss domestic or other personal issues during your creative time together. Stay focused on the work, and accord your dearly beloved the same respect, patience and openness to ideas you would naturally give a creative partner who wasn't your spouse.

Do you think your experience with comedy and performance helps you as a children's book writer?
Most definitely. Kids love to laugh, and since my background is in comedy, I'm always seeking to bring humor to the stories I tell. And as far as being a performer is concerned, I actually act out stuff as we write, which drives my husband crazy--but I can't help that I'm a big ole ham.

What are some of your favorite books for young people?
I love "Charlotte's Web," by E.B. White, "Grace for President," by Kelly DiPucchio and "Pippi Longstockings" by Astrid Lindgren, to name a few.

What's the hardest part about writing for kids?
Trying to be current, without sounding like an adult trying to be current.

Which writers do you admire? Do you try and emulate them in any way?
There are many writers that I admire...too numerous to list, actually. However, I really try not to emulate their style, but of course, I'd love to emulate their success.

You do lots of visits with schools for the Amy Hodgepodge series--what's the funniest feedback you've received from your young readers?
The children we visit always surprise and delight us with their feedback and questions. One of the most memorable and funny things ever said to us was by a young boy who raised his hand and told us he felt the reason why the school bully "Rory" picks on Amy Hodgepodge is because he has a massive crush on her, but doesn't know how else to get her attention. He went on to suggest that we write a title where Rory and Amy fall in love, get married and have children!

How did you choose which age-range to put Amy Hodgepodge in?
Since the series is inspired by our nieces and nephews, we wanted the books to be in the same age range as them.

When writing for that age range, how do you keep up with what is appropriate for those readers?
We're fortunate to be around youngsters a lot (because of my nieces and nephews), so we get to keep a pulse on what's going on in their world, and we have a wonderful editor whose quick to let us know what is or isn't appropriate for our young readers.

Why did you choose to have Amy be a (previously) homeschooled student?
Because several of my nieces and nephews were homeschooled, and we felt including that really helped add to the "fish out of water" element in the Amy Hodgepodge series.

I was looking at the different impressions you did on In Living Color--what was your process for getting down an impression?
For the most part, I'd focus on the most distinctive and recognizable characteristic of the person I was trying to do the impression of, then build from there.

Of all the shows and movies you've done, which did you have the most fun performing in?
Fortunately, I've had a great time on all the projects I've been able to work on over the years, but "Living Color" will always hold a special place in my heart. Working with my family was just the best.

What are you working on now?
Currently, I'm touring with my one-woman show, "A HANDSOME WOMAN RETREATS" - a poignant and funny autobiographical journey of self-discovery that takes place on a ten-day silent meditation retreat, and I'm writing a humorous blog.

How does it feel to be the 242nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Like an honor. Thank you!

Last night I wrote about "So You Think You Can Dance" the TV show and the night before, the "SYTYCD" live show.

Also, throughout the month of October I am reading Bram Stoker's Dracula and blogging about it once a week for Infinite Summer. You should read it too, it's a fun (and scary) read.

Did you know that I published a book? Well I did. You should buy it. And if you are near Dubuque, Iowa (you are closer than you think!) you should come see me at River Lights this Saturday.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. I contributed to this book which comes out next week! I will be at the Chicago events.

Finally, Chicagoans, mark your calendars: the next Funny Ha-Ha will be held November 11 at the Hideout. Further details to come but so far we have folks from the AV Club and Chicago Tribune TV critic Mo Ryan on board. Plus Steve Delahoyde and myself.

The Supreme Court yesterday debated where the issue of cruelty to animals lies in relation to the First Amendment. On the one hand, it could be a crime "to create, sell or possess depictions of animal cruelty for commercial gain," but what does this mean for hunting videos, or footage of Spanish bullfights, or PETA footage used for education/shock value?

I have a couple other scenarios where it's unclear how they'd be affected by this proposed law:

A painting of a dog riding a bull abusing a person.

A made-for-TV movie about an ant fighting another ant but of its own volition

A cell phone video of a shark shooting a gun

A Facebook post about a fish killing itself by jumping out of its tank

A History Channel show about a Colosseum of dogs cheering on a gladiator fight and a fight breaks out between the dogs in the stands

A graphic novel about a wolf in sheep's clothing fighting a wolf in grandma's clothing

An instructional video for dogs on how to use cross-bows for deer-hunting

Screenshots of a penguin cyber-bullying a polar bear on Myspace

A viral video of a kitten shooting a blogger for being an idiot

a bunny

(all photos not ours from the Chicago Tribune)

Want to know what the AV Clubbers and I listen to when we work out? Go here. Mom and Dad, you might want to not read mine. In terms of writings that do not involve filth, I covered Project Runway and SNL Weekend Update Thursday last night as well.

Speaking of Dad, mine emailed me an article a while ago about today's interviewee with the suggestion that I should interview her. It stayed in the back of my mind until I recognized her at a reading and we got to chatting and I sent her some questions. The paperback version of her lauded debut novel Miles from Nowhere just came out, which was short-listed for the Orange Award for New Writers and selected for Booklist's Top Ten First Novels, Amazon's Best Fiction of 2009 So Far, and Indie Next List. Recipient of a Pushcart Prize, Mun was named Best New Novelist of 2009 by Chicago magazine. The book follows Joon, a Korean 13-year-old who runs away from home, living in shelters, on the street, and in various apartments and lofts, a story not totally unlike her own life. Now she lives in Chicago and teaches fiction at Columbia College.

From your experience and the research you did on homeless youth for Miles from Nowhere, how did you decide what to use and what not?
In general, when I write, I try to think of moments filled with personal discomfort--moments I might not share, even with a good friend. An inherent conflict arises when I attempt to put these moments into words, simply because I don't want to. This is how "Club Orchid" began, the third chapter in Miles from Nowhere and the first story I wrote for the book.

About halfway into the first draft, Joon's voice hijacked the story. And the story stopped being about me and my discomfort but about Joon's tenuous connection to life and love. From that moment on, I became interested in sentences, words, scenes that served Joon and her situation. Everything that happens in the book, and the way in which they happen, changes her little by little. If I wrote things that didn't achieve this, those pages were tossed.

When doing the research for MILES, I put on a different writer's hat--a hat that tried to forget things like language and plot. I watched numerous documentaries that dealt with submerged population groups and read essays and articles, not just about runaways and throwaways, but about other underground groups, such as squatters, sex workers, dance hostesses, girls and women in detention, and drug dealers, etc., as well as issues, such as child abuse, drug abuse, suicide rate amongst runaways, violence within male sex workers, and the criminal court system of New York City, etc.

What I looked for during research was guidance on tone--how life on the streets can contain both unbridled happiness as well as catatonic despair. I also looked for insider details--the kind I thought Joon would be exposed to.

What do you think happened to help guide you from the streets to a successful writer, as opposed to a less happy place?
For me, no action occurs in a vacuum. Every action is connected to a network of previous actions (as well as future ones), so answering this question is difficult. Many people helped me when I was young. I can definitely say that. Large buckets of luck also played a role. I've faced a few hairy situations during my runaway years but somehow I walked away from them virtually unscathed, at least physically. I sometimes think we are born with a certain amount of luck in life, which makes me worry that I've used up all of mine.

What was the hardest part about being an Avon lady?
There were many difficulties in selling Avon door-to-door: tailing people into apartment buildings is one. You have to look casual, and then suddenly bolt into action if you want to get into the building before the door closed, and then look casual again. Having people say no to you, 20 plus times a day also does a number on your self-esteem. The most painful part, however, was probably listening to people talk about their personal problems for hours and then walking out of their place penniless. I didn't mind talking to people, (that was my favorite part of the job, to be honest) but I did mind not making money.

What's the worst thing you ever saw as a criminal defense investigator?
You don't really witness horrible acts as a defense investigator because the crime has already been committed and the crime scene has been scrubbed clean of memory. And even though I have experienced some strange and combative situations, for some reason those events don't carry emotional resonance for me at this moment.

But I will tell you about a crime that affects me still--a knife fight between two white males, in the middle of the street, with onlookers. I didn't witness this fight but, as with all of my cases, I read the police and medical examiners reports.

One man stabs another with a "Rambo" knife in the stomach, pulls it sideways about an inch, and then out, shredding open the victim's abdomen just enough to have his entrails (small and large intestines mostly) spill out from his body and lie beside him on the pavement. According to witnesses, the man desperately tried to scoop his innards back into his body, until he fell unconscious and died.

I think about that final act. About the fact that that was this man's final act in life. How no one in the world, including him, could've predicted that to be his final act. And how all of his previous acts led him to this final gesture of trying to cull his insides.

Of the various jobs you've had, which came the most naturally to you?
Criminal defense investigations, hands down. I loved that job almost immediately. I can't say why exactly except that it scratched a certain itch inside my brain. On an average day, I got to interact with diverse groups of people: dealers, gang members, sheriffs, attorneys, heroin addicts, storeowners, inmates, barbers, etc. and I got to hear all of their voices. I loved tracking down witnesses and conducting interviews in unusual locations. I loved getting bits of information about people and trying to create portraits from them, or gathering fractured eyewitness accounts of an incident and attempting to envision a fuller picture. And I loved reading all the documents (police reports, medical examiner's report, witness statements, etc.), analyzing the evidence, and re-envisioning all that went down before, during, and after the criminal incident. What I loved about investigations isn't so different from what I love about writing, which is to close the eyes and clearly see scenes with dialogue, action, and setting that might reveal something much deeper about the people at stake.

Was there any discussion about whether to make Miles from Nowhere a Young Adult book? What do you think you would have had to change to make it one?
No, but I understand that librarians are recommending Miles from Nowhere also for mature young adults, so I don't think I would've had to change anything.

What are you working on now?
A multiple-perspective novel about one crime, though I don't think it would fall under the category of crime fiction.

Do you think the process of writing your next book will be any different than that for Miles from Nowhere?
God, I hope so. If not, that would mean I didn't learn anything.

How does it feel to be the 242nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I have to say that it feels pretty awesome. From this point on, I'm going to start using "zulkey" as an adjective. As in, "That interview was so rad and zulkey, don't you think?"

These people were arrested in Chicago for burning an Olympic banner. I can't imagine this group of people getting arrested for anything else, except maybe putting on an interactive experimental public art happening without a permit. Actually maybe it's exactly the same thing.

Frankly I think that we should be applauded for holding out this long before we got a costume for our dog.

Please don't be frightened.

Several weeks ago I was reading an issue of Cosmo for some reason and came across this little charticle:

I couldn't believe that this got written and published. Are the readers of Cosmo really that simple that they can't tell the difference between a "contemptuous" versus a "polite" face?

But then, last night, my husband came up to me and said "Excuse me, but would you mind please helping me unload the dishwasher? Thank you in advance." I had no idea what he meant by that, though. Was he saying I was fat? Was he cheating on me? Was he even speaking English? All I had to go on were the words coming out of his mouth and this face:

Fortunately I had kept the chart and I consulted it. Oh! He was being polite.

"Sure, I will help you," I said.

"Why did it take you so long to answer me?" he said (it was now twenty minutes after he had asked and he had just unloaded the dishwasher by himself). "Anyway, thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it. I'm just going to go back to work now. Feel free to sit on the couch some more and watch TV."

"OK!" I said, but I had a nagging feeling that there was something else behind what he was saying. Was he sad? Was he asking me to go on a second honeymoon with him? Was I pregnant? I checked the Cosmo chart again:

Ohhh. He was being contemptuous of me!

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Did you fall down or something? You're acting a little...weird. Like you damaged your brain."

Once again, that chart came in handy! At first I thought he was asking me if I wanted to go bowling or that he was telling me he was cheating on me, but once I looked several times I knew:

He was being sensitive. What a nice guy! And what a helpful chart.

(PS I wrote about Dexter and Saturday Night Live this weekend)

I first "met" today's interviewee while setting up an interview with Radiolab's Jad Abumrad, as at the time he was the publicist at WNYC. He has since moved on to an intriguing new project--the company Novel-T, which the New York Post describes as "a new line of T-shirts from a new literature-inspired company which replaces Jeter and A-Rod with classic hall-of-famers from the venerable world of words." You can read more about the company, including the nice amount of press it's getting here.

How did you decide to differentiate yourself from t-shirt companies like Threadless?
I'm not really much of a fashion guy, so I don't know much about Threadless. But it was never a matter of having to differentiate our shirts from "designer" tees. I was on the subway and saw all these folks in Yankee jerseys and I was reading Whitman--he's the best writer for mass transit, in my book--and I just thought, Damn, I wish I had Whitman jersey to wear. So I talked it over with Michael Kravetsky (my partner at Novel-T) and we came up with a whole literary "Word Series" team and we're running with it. And also we're retailing at bookstores. So our fitting rooms are improvised bathrooms.

Do you anticipate any trouble from a certain baseball team over your logo?
Not at all. There are tons of teams in all kinds of sports with logos that kind of sort of you know maybe look like other ones. Anyway, teams should concern themselves with winning ballgames (or in my team's case, writing good books). I can't imagine too many fans would be pleased to find that the reason their tickets are so expensive is to pay lawyers to pick fights a couple guys who make tees about poetry. But if that's the case, we'll totally go Ahab on their asses.

Who would you say is your customer base?
Readers. Self-proclaimed 'book nerds.' English majors. English minors. Major English muffin eaters. People who like super-soft t-shirts with a little something different going on with them. People who live in warm climes. Our relatives. People named Ahab.

Tell us about your first celebrity endorsement.
David Cross. Saw him at the Brooklyn Book Festival just before he got on stage and made out with Jonathan Ames. I had a Dick shirt in my hand. I said, "Yo, David, would you like one of these shirts?" Being the discerning consumer he is, David asked me to let him actually see the shirt. "Fuck yeah, I want one of those shirts!" he exclaimed. It was kind of a Globo-Chem endorsement, if you remember those commercials.

Whose number do you tend to wear and why?
I tend to go with Thoreau. I'm a big Thoreau fan and I love the graphic that Mike came up with--it's an ink rendering of Thoreau's cabin, so it marries the man's medium and message rather nicely. Also, wearing Thoreau in particular provides so many opportunities to pause for a moment during the day and ask WWHDTD? Usually I guess it's chop some wood and eat some beans, which ain't bad.

Why did you choose to make these shirts baseball-style and not another sport?
Unlike Whitman, I'm adverse to armpit stink, so basketball or track jerseys were out. We played with the idea of Lycra wrestling singlets, but we ultimately couldn't get behind a product that was so likely to ride high.

What's your favorite t-shirt that you own, literary or otherwise?
Good timing: I'm wearing it. My favorite item of clothing I've ever seen was a dragon sweater at the Barney's Co-Op sale last year.

How did you assign the numbers to the authors?
I let them request their own numbers. Everybody was cool except Bartleby, who never got back to me. I assigned him nine.

Which baseball player's work would you read if he wrote?
I remember in Miles Davis' autobio this famous story from when he was real young, just getting started in New York, and he's in the back of a car with Charlie Parker. Parker's got a girl or two with him and these girls are...well...you know they're busy tendering their affections to Bird, who at the same time is eating from a bucket of chicken. And Miles is right there sitting next to him thinking, so this is what it's like! That's a good story. I'd read something from Jeter or A-Rod if they indulged us with those kinds of stories, but most sports autobiographies are missing that kind of stuff. And they'd probably eat power bars, which is considerably less fun than a greasy, dripping thigh.

How'd you get your gig at WNYC? What were your responsibilities when you were there?
I was the Publicist at WNYC, the big public radio station in NYC. I simply replied to a job posting online. I was very familiar with the programming from listening all the time (if you don't know John Schaefer's New Sounds show, then you don't even know, son) and I had a little bit of a leg up on other applicants because as a book publicist I'd pitched guests to the programs with some success. So they took me. It didn't pay much but I wasn't about to go rep a business I couldn't feel comfortable representing.

As the Publicist, I secured positive media attention for the station, which mostly meant lining up interviews with our hosts for other media outlets or telling other media about the stories WNYC was breaking or advancing. With one or two exceptions, everyone that worked there was bright, interesting, and a pleasure to deal with, and since the programming covered so much ground, my job was fresh every day. I was pitching WNYC coverage of everything from local to national politics, music, film, literature, celebs, you name it.

But it's a pleasure to be un/self (as in -employed). I mean, I'm sitting at my work table packing up shirts to ship out, I've got Fidel Nadal and Gaby Kerpel on the box and I doubt I've worn a shirt with a button in it in two months. Beats the crap out of cube culture. Not that I have to tell you, Claire.

I am curious about how you chose Kenyon College and how it was for you. I sometimes feel like it's a school I should have investigated further based on the sheer number of friends I have who went there (that's why I chose it as the school in my book).
I don't know; I had a good time there, but having never attended another college it's hard for me to compare. Except I studied in Tel Aviv for a semester. So I can say this: there's less Jews at Kenyon. But it's got a prettier campus than most I've seen. And Paul Newman went there (Kenyon, not Tel Aviv. Unless you count Exodus, but I think that ship went to Haifa, and never really got there anyhow. Oy. But I bet he made it Tel Aviv at some point. He had to, right?) I guess if you like to read, write and drink beer, Kenyon's as good a place as any.

How does it feel to be the 241st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Squishy.

So I have recently published a Young Adult (but not limited to young adults!) book called AN OFF YEAR. If you want to read an interview with me about the book you can check out this lovely website here. If you'd like to see me (and a bunch of other YA authors) speak in Naperville, IL this weekend I believe you can still get tickets here.

But that's not all! This morning I stopped by the Onion offices (because I'm cool like that) and was given my very own copy of the book Inventory: 16 Films Featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls, 10 Great Songs Nearly Ruined by Saxophone, and 100 More Obsessively Specific Pop-Culture Lists. Why did I get a free copy? Because I contributed to the book! You, friends, will have to pay for your copy but I highly recommend it. It is taking a lot of willpower not to stop writing this sentence and go back to poring through it. My spidey sense tells me especially that this book will be an excellent gift for college students, pop-culture obsessives and people who like to read in the bathroom. Pre-order today and stay tuned for info regarding signings and whatnot.

But if you want to read something I worked on right this second, I have things for you.; Last night I wrote about the episode of "So You Think You Can Dance" for the LA Times. Also for the LAT I interviewed Alexis Stewart and Jennifer Koppelman Hutt of "Whatever, Martha!" And finally for the LAT I also interviewed "Project Runway" HBIC Nina Garcia.

If you want more from me today, I think you'll need to ask yourself, what have you done for ME lately? Me, not you. Who is "me" to you but whatever.

As a Young Adult author, it is important for me to keep up on what the young people like to read (and summarily not write about those things, because I hate money and success).

In my research, I came across this story that suggests that in terms of teen reading, angels are the new vampires. Could angels really be the new vampires? This raises a slew of burning questions. Could mummies be the new zombies? Could Frankenstein be the new wolfman? Could Jesus be the new Mohammedan? Could fairies be the new faeries? Could unicorns be the new pegasi? Could puppets be the new claymation? Could little people be the new elves? Could blood be the new beer? Could eternity be the new apocalypse? Could Halloween be the new Rosh Hashanah? Could dogs in Halloween costumes be the new children in Halloween costumes? Could mermen be the new centaurs?

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Hey! Last night I wrote about Project Runway for the LAT and the Saturday Night Live Thursday edition for the AV Club.

OK so it's been a few weeks since my last one but in light of my publishing a Young Adult novel, I wanted to talk to some other writers who also write for (but not exclusively) young people. I actually met today's interviewee way back when we were in college and then about ten years later we both realized that we are wildly celebrated and internationally renowned authors (maybe one of us is more renowned than the other but I will let you guess which is which. Hint: it's the one with her own Wikipedia entry.) She is author of the New York Times bestseller Harry, A History, which chronicles the Harry Potter phenomenon with a forward written by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. She is also the full-time webmistress of The Leaky Cauldron, a commercial fansite devoted to the Harry Potter franchise and also is one of the hosts of the podcast PotterCast, which talks about various aspects of the Harry Potter books, movies, video games and more.

We met at Georgetown -- did you have any experiences while you were there that you felt influenced where you are today?
We not only met at Georgetown but through the place that I still consider the crucible of my entire college experience - The Hoya, the newspaper, where I spent far too many nights hunched over a keyboard or napping on that diseased sofa. I spent the large majority of my junior and senior year there, and remember spell-checking and placing your columns.

The act of going to Georgetown itself changed everything; who knows, if I had gone to NYU as originally planned, if I would have veered off the pre-med path. I might have kept my head down, continued with science, and ended up a vaguely unhappy doctor. Also, being a reporter for the paper kicked me out of my comfort zone and made me start talking to people I didn't know, just approaching them out of nowhere for an interview. That's something I struggled with throughout college and my first year at the Staten Island Advance and at times still have trouble with now. Georgetown felt like a place where you eventually found your internal compass, and that's something I didn't know I needed to find until I did.

I don't think the writing class we took together influenced me much. Because of my newspaper schedule I usually only wrote each week's assignment 45 minutes before class began, so it was always terrible. That professor was 487 years old and it seemed like each word needed a running start to launch itself out of his mouth; he must have sensed I was overdrawn that year because he wrote on my final paper that he hoped I would take time to appreciate the "vagaries" as they traipsed across my lawn or something. I had no idea what that meant then, and don't now.

However, two of the three in our group are now published authors! Do you remember who the third was? Maybe we have a trifecta.

Based on your high level in Harry Potter fandom, do you ever feel like people make certain assumptions about you?
Yeah, though I think today it's getting a lot easier to be thought of as a fantasy geek or a member of a fandom, don't you? I can't think of one person I know who isn't part of some fandom in some way, even if that's not what they call it. My sister is part of the Designer Shoes Fandom (as am I, although from a far economic distance). You look at a guy bathed in blue paint, screaming at the top of his lungs in -5-degree weather at a football game, and tell me he's not in a fandom, I dare you.

Either way, if there's one thing I didn't expect to be bringing to the ol' college reunion it was, "Yes, I am big in the Harry Potter fandom." I'm less self-conscious about it than I used to be -- in the first few years it was like a little secret. Now I tell everyone I can find. "Look what I can do, look what I'm allowed to do, because I reveled in something I loved. Are you saying the same at your 9-5?" Some are, and I'm happy for them, but a lot aren't. Anyone who can find it in them to be judgmental about it isn't someone with whom I want to associate myself.

And speaking of reunions and The Hoya: When I went to the Hoya's 85th anniversary in 2005, a few people there knew the site before they knew I worked on it, and were carrying some assumptions but also knew I was doing productive things with it. There was one attendee -- I think he was someone's date -- who kept running up to me and shouting "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAA!" every time I saw him. At F. Scott's, in the middle of campus, at our reception. There was another attendee who he rather resembled, however. At the reception, a couple of glasses of wine into the evening, I decided to one-up this rowdy gentleman -- I'm sure you can see what's coming -- and shouted it to him before he got the chance. Only I got the wrong guy. This person I'd never seen or met before was then standing in front of me, blinking, while my real Wingardium Leviosa-er had heard it and was on the floor laughing behind me, along with several of my old Hoya colleagues. Basically I had just shouted a spell, apropos of nothing, in the middle of a crowded black-tie-clad room. Talk about playing into assumptions.

Hit me with a funny/weird/scary anecdote about the people you've met at readings and conventions. 
Most are funny; I will never forget the moment at our first live podcast when I looked into the front row and saw the man there was wearing a T-shirt with an iron-on picture of my cat on the back. My cat, Moochka, has a following. Seriously.

Once before a live event at a conference, I was "kidnapped" by "Death Eaters." They locked me in a meeting room, where, dressed as Draco, Lucius, Bellatrix, Snape, and other nameless dark figures in the HP books, they played Spin the Bottle and took turns touching "Snape"'s prosthetic, hooked nose. (The person, by the way, who played Snape is seen in a picture in the center of my book.) They were great; I laughed a lot with them. Then they marched out into the live podcast and had a duel with the Aurors, and I got my freedom back.

My favorite story is about one of my Leaky staffers, who spent an entire conference (Terminus in 2008, in Chicago) walking around dressed as Dolores Umbridge, giving people detentions for things like "looking too happy" and "enjoying themselves." She would write on their hand in red marker. Then on the final day she became "Kicked Around by Centaurs Umbridge," a la the end of book five, and her whole costume was dirt-streaked. She had leaves in her hair. She walked around like she didn't know where she was and ran if someone made hoof noises. It was hilarious.

I feel like the phenomenon of being obsessed with a part of pop culture is starting to be examined as much as what we are obsessed with: was there anything pre-Harry that you were nearly as devoted to?
I have always had an obsessive personality. When I was little I wouldn't rest until I gobbled up every Nancy Drew, Babysitter's Club, and Sweet Valley High (though today I am majorly ticked at the SVH creators, who decided to downgrade the twins from "perfect size six" to "perfect size four" -- that's absolutely disgusting in something young girls read, and needs to be called such more often; there's nothing perfect about either size, and that I didn't even realize that phrase was there when I was little, I think, says a lot about how insidious it is. And to indicate that today, smaller is better? Gross).

Two years before Harry Potter it was the musical Rent. Harry Potter gave me an outlet to work in and really expand creatively; had it not, I probably wouldn't be starting my 10th year inside this phenomenon. Rent was very different, as well, because it was something you could only do in person, and it had its apex right before the Internet had one (I was on Juno free email at the time). It was a much smaller, in-person community as opposed to the massive abyss of online avenues of communication that came with the Harry Potter evolution.

I remember back at GU and I think you still are today a major theater buff--what have been some of your most favorite recent shows?
Major. I haven't been to theater in a few months because the summer has been so wild and I'm getting back into a normal schedule but next on my list is definitely Next to Normal. Enough people I respect have now recommended this to me that it's a must-see. I also saw Spring Awakening a few times, and [title of show] during the last week of its run. [title of show] has one of my favorite songs of all time in it - "Die, Vampire, Die," which is about, of all things, the creative process. It's "Finishing the Hat" for normal people. "Finishing the Hat" is about that perfect creative moment that that only jerks -- I mean geniuses -- like Sondheim get to have with any kind of frequency, but which everyone likes to pretend they understand. "Die, Vampire, Die," is about the real process of creation. The kind that makes you feel like a grade-F-moron and as though anyone who has ever paid you money to write deserves a refund immediately. Pretending that side of it doesn't exist is just bad public service, and that song captures that feeling wonderfully.

Because of my theater love, however, I am falling hard, very, very hard, for the new show Glee. Kristin Chenoweth, Victor Garber and Debra Monk are all going to be on future episodes, and I'm having myself little aneurysms thinking about it.

Why do you think Harry, A History took off whereas other Potter-related books may have floundered more?
I can't pretend I don't owe an enormous debt to the large, loyal fanbase of Leaky, and to the J.K. Rowling foreword, for selling my book, but I also constantly get emails from people who say things like, "This is about my life! I gave it to my husband/friend/mother/child/dog/barber/psychiatrist to explain to them why this phenomenon means this much to me!" That is not only the highest compliment I can get, it's exactly what I wanted to happen - it's why I used my personal story to tell the narrative. Honestly, no one does or should care about what I was going through when I was unemployed and living in my mother's house (and no one less than me wanted it in a book) -- except if it is used as a tool allow them entry into the narrative. I used my life to get people remembering or sympathizing or empathizing, because being emotionally involved in this phenomenon is the only way to say you had some idea of what it was like. I wanted the book to be like a key you could always use to re-enter that time, or a window that opens on it for someone who wasn't there. I think people recommend it to each other because of that.

There's been plenty of useful criticism, too, but sometimes people say, "Well, this book is about just her, not the phenomenon," and it confuses me. I don't know why anyone would willingly admit they think that. I think it exposes them as a bit of a thin reader. The idea of using one personal story as a vehicle to tell a universal one isn't at all original, and I was not subtle about what I was doing. I chose my life to discuss because I have been fortunate enough to have unique experiences that touch upon almost all of the major elements of the phenomenon, so it accomplished a lot of goals at once. Of course, the facts are there, and they need to be, but it would have been so dry without a personal narrative. The book is by no means perfect, but of the things I'd change about the book or improve if I were writing it now, that's not one of them.

So, I am positive it's the personal narrative that has made the difference between this book and one people just flick through or with which they never make a connection. I don't think any writer would prefer the latter. Any time you go away from that neutral territory more people dislike it, too. It has finally made me understand why Jo looked very comfortable with a statement she made to me once, about it being the nature of Deathly Hallows that some people will dislike it.

To make a very long answer short, I think the closer you get to a human narrative, to the human experience, the more dear it becomes to the reader -- and the more likely they are to want to share it.

How do you know when it's time to get off the computer? What do you do when it is?
There's a time to get off the computer? I've been here since 1993.

What podcasts do you listen to?
I force myself to listen to mine (PotterCast) about once a month (you never get over hating your voice); right now on my subscription list are This American Life (I find it funny that NPR makes you sound cool and snobby at the same time, but I really like that show), This Week in Tech, and Jay and Jack's "Lost" podcast.

What have you read lately that you're raving about?
I squawked for weeks about The Hunger Games when I read it, and I feel less inclined to do so with the second book, now that it's out and enjoying massive popularity. The one I just read that I love is Faery Rebels: Spell Hunter, by R.J. Anderson. I've never read a fairy book before in my life, except for that famous picture book about fairies (and I can't remember the name of it now). I was attempting to read this book and DRIVE at the same time (only for about a second, at a stoplight, then stayed outside my gym for an hour and a half, reading). You can't fake that. I was captivated by it and its tough, human, flawed lead characters. It put me in mind of Harry Potter, and that's not easy to do.

Before Harry Potter I read mostly nonfiction, and that's often true now (and I think Anti-Intellectualism in American Life is not a book you can rave about, even if it did win a Pulitzer). However, I've lately been reading young adult lit voraciously. I loved The Disreputable History of Frankie-Landau Banks. I could go on all day about those crazy/brilliant usual-suspects YA guys: John Green, Maureen Johnson, E. Lockhart, etc.

I've also just started an excellent book by an author named Claire Zulkey...

Do you ever get exhausted talking about Potter? When that happens do you just power through or admit it? 
I don't get exhausted talking about it when it relates to Leaky, or at a fan event, or in that atmosphere - I get exhausted in my non-Potter life, because well-meaning and really nice people say the most uninteresting things to you about it. "Dan Radclife's so cute!" "Wow they're making two movies from the last book?" "Did you hear Dumbledore was gay?" I don't blame these people nor am I ridiculing them -- they legitimately feel like they might be either informing me about something, or they see me as someone with whom they can talk Potter, and I can understand why: sometimes they don't feel they can talk about it with anyone else, or they feel it's the only thing they can talk to me about. But sometimes wading in those conversations can be tiring when you've had them sixteen times already, have recorded a podcast about them, have talked in forums about them, have e-mailed about them, and have even written a book about them. I can go twelve rounds on how Dumbledore's homosexuality might affect his actions throughout the books, at any given time with an interested and active party -- I can barely go one when someone says, "Wow, that's cool, huh?" and stares at you.

But, mostly, even after about a decade, if a good topic comes up you can't stop me from expounding loudly and with energy. I don't think it's possible to get truly tired of Harry.

What are you working on now other than the Leaky Cauldron and the PotterCast and book promotion stuff?
This interview. I've spent three weeks on it. How did it go?

But seriously folks: a lot. Leaky and PotterCast are at a simmer level, and book promotion is at a constant low-level boil (I've been doing a lot of speeches about Harry thanks to an excellent agent at Greater Talent), but I've been working on a couple of new things. One of them is book number two, about which I'm really excited, the topic of which I will announce if I ever give it the kick it needs to get off the ground. The second is LeakyCon 2011, the conference my web site is throwing in Florida the weekend of the last movie. There are also a couple of other things that lay unannounced. In other words, a lot, but that's how I stupidly always insist it is. If I'm getting a lot of sleep, I don't get a lot of sleep.

How does it feel to be the 240th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
You've made me sound much cooler than I am just by putting me on the list. I'm honored. Thanks Claire!

Notes my mother made about my hilarious antics as of 2/25/82 (not quite three years old)

"Today she work up early (7:30 AM). I asked her why she was up so early and she said the goldfish woke her up."

"Today she was down in the kitchen and I was upstairs changing. She was yelling up to me to be sure to keep contact. She kept yelling--'Mommy--I can't hear you.' I yelled back from the top of the stairs 'Can you year me now?' and she screamed back 'No!'

"She was at the pediatrician's yesterday and was looking at an infant and said to the child's mother 'I was a baby.'

"When Mr. Rogers changes his shoes she says he has stinky feet."

"One night last month [her baby brother] Jack was jabbering away and I said 'Claire, I don't understand what he's saying, do you?' and she said 'No, he's talking Spanish.'"

My spookily-talented friend Waki Gamez wrote a song about my book called "Bunny Slippers on Her Feet" which you can listen to here. If you'd like to read the lyrics and sing along, check them out below.

If this song gets you in the mood to come hear me read from my book, you can do so tonight.

BUNNY SLIPPERS ON HER FEET


Cecily sold on the making the grade
Button down tied up with ill-fitting braids
Don't do this don't do that what can be done
For that you not to fear night is still young!

Surprise us all
Surprise us all
Confuse us you
Handmaiden of Zeus!

Cecily (oh oh oh oh, la-la-la)
Blind but now you can see all the scenes
Knock down drag out bunny shoes on your feet

I'll work for free see the land sailing the seas
Show them all Tony Hall take it from me
Or might shall I shrink and stew setting sights small
I and I settle on nothing at all!

One year of doubt
One year of doubt
Year of self-doubt
And one wanton smile!

Cecily (oh oh oh oh, la-la-la)
Blind but now you can see all the scenes
Knock down drag out bunny shoes on your feet

Cecily is the name of a girl
So silly while her mind whinnies and whirls
Says a Lee to a Park abounding with pearls
Like Cecily
Like Cecily

Cecily (oh oh oh oh, la-la-la)
Blind but now you can see all the scenes
Knock down drag out bunny shoes on your feet

(But first: I have a piece up today on McSweeney's Internet Tendency)

I actually had a blog post written for today but I have so many writings to round up I figured I'd save it. OK so here are things:

At the AV Club, I covered Entourage last night. Also, I contributed to the piece "You'll lick this picture business: 27 movies about the difficulty of making movies".

I made my debut at the Daily Beast today with "Dexter's Killer Season" and make sure to check out the slide show.

And finally, I don't know if you know this but I very recently published a book called An Off Year and accordingly submitted it to The Page 69 Test.

If you live in Chicago and would like to see me read (for the first time!) from the book and maybe say hi and buy a book or five and have me sign them awkwardly and messily, please come by the Book Cellar's Local Author Night, which will also be featuring Tasha Alexander (Tears of Pearl), Scott Blackwood (We Agreed to Meet Just Here) and Joan Napre (Beautiful Dreamer).

Want to read about which famous people I've met? Hint: One of them is getting inducted into the basketball hall of fame shortly. And, I wrote a book.

Also, last night I covered Project Runway for the LA Times. A show I am no longer covering is "America's Next Top Model" and for the first time in many cycles I actually have something to say about it. First, I loved how in an interview with one girl, Tyra said "You have a baby!" and the girl said yes and suddenly Tyra said "I'm going to change gears now. You were raped?" Tyra does not give a crap about your baby. She just wants to hear about how you were raped, or perhaps to a lesser extent was homeless, or maybe have a chronic condition. But raped is the best.

Also, this is the cycle where the girls are five foot seven or shorter. I liked the one girl who said that they are finally showing "society" a new definition of beauty. OK there Einstein, check yourself--it's not society that said models have to be tall and skinny--it's the fashion designers. Don't act like you've been suffering all this time just because you happen to be beautiful and short, because even if you weren't technically a runway model, you were an everyday model which is even worse.

And finally, I enjoyed how Tyra had the girls' house made up like a playhouse for adult babies or something, with big dolls and funhouse mirrors and rubber duckies, and how the girls' first modeling challenge was to re-create their own baby pictures. Ick. I think Tyra has confused not being tall with some sort of perverted weird carnival ride. Trust me, it is not (unless I've been going about it all wrong).

I'm hoping from here on out the cycle returns to its mundane, predictable self or else it will be a human tragedy that I'm not getting paid to make all these witty observations.

Last night I covered "So You Think You Can Dance" for the LA Times (it's back!) and "Top Chef" for the AV Club.

Is anyone else a little scared of the new Ann Taylor advertisements? "Ann is tired of being all work and no play." "Ann is sick of taking things so seriously." There's something a little ominous about them, like Ann has maybe worn one sensible yet cute suit too many is about to seriously lose it and maybe throw a kitten heel at the President or perhaps accessorize the face of an innocent bystander. "We're ready to change into something more beautiful," the ads say. Either that means they admit their clothes have been less-than-beautiful or perhaps it really means they're about to start selling jackets made out of human skin. I am probably just misinterpreting this whole campaign but to me when I think of "Ann Taylor" now I think less "fall wardrobe" and more "avoid getting stuck with in an abandoned hotel during a snowstorm."

Scene: the workroom. BRAD calls RACHEL.

Brad: Rachel

Rachel: Brad.

Brad: We only have an hour with Anne Hathaway to try on her Oscar gown.

Rachel: Shut up.

Brad: I know.

They remain on the phone, silent, for three hours.

***

Scene: Anne Hathaway is trying on a beautiful ball gown in the office.

Rachel: GASP

Brad: I know.

Rachel: Shut up.

They all eat four cheeseburgers each.

***

Scene: Rachel's office.

Rachel: Brad. I mean it this time. I've literally come undone.

Brad: I know.

Rachel unzips a zipper running down the front of her body and steps out of her own skin.

***

Scene: Brad and Rachel are talking about Anne Hathaway's Oscar dresses

Rachel: She's literally going to knock it out of the park.

Later that day: with two outs and Hugh Jackman on the mound, Anne Hathaway hits a late-game grand slam to win the Academy Awards.

***

Scene: Rachel's house. Rachel, Brad and Taylor are watching the Oscars and see Anne Hathaway on the screen.

Rachel: Oh my god. I die.

She lays down in her crypt, crosses her hands over her chest and drifts off into eternal slumber.

***
Scene: A grocery store.

Rachel: That is bananas.

(She points to some bananas.)

Brad: Uh, don't you mean "Those ARE bananas?"

Rachel: You've got such a Braditude, Brad!

Taylor: I don't get why you love Brad so much and I've been working here longer than he has.

Rachel: Oh Tay! It's because you're fat.

They all laugh, pull on their masks and rob the grocery store a gunpoint, killing three people and escaping with $300 in cash and $100 in bananas.

***

Scene: Rachel and Rodger's bedroom.

Rachel: Babe, I'm so stressed out.

Rodger: I know, babe.

Rachel: Why is there a d in your name, babe?

Rodger: I don't know, babe. Why do you wear those weird floppy knit hats so much lately?

Rachel: Babe!

***

Scene: The office

Taylor scowls, because her extremely flammable hair finally caught on fire.

Here is a playlist I wrote up for my book, AN OFF YEAR, for the blog Largehearted Boy. I had a lot of fun writing it so I hope you enjoy reading it. I also wrote about my favorite film cliche for the AV Club, and also covered Project Runway last night for the LA Times.

And if you want to see me tonight! Boy howdy:

Have a great weekend everyone--be back on Tuesday.

On sale today. Feel free to buy a copy. Or ten!

If you want me to sign your copy I'll be at the Book Cellar tonight and the Interview Show tomorrow.

If you want to read something I wrote right now, check out a guilty pleasures roundup I did for Emusic. But if you want to read something I wrote tomorrow, I think you should pre-order my book WHICH IS COMING OUT TOMORROW OMFG!!!111one!111

Sunday my friends Liz and Rich came out to brunch with my friend Meghan, my husband and me. They were in town for our friend Lauren's (an old Zulkey.com contributor, if you can figure out who she is) wedding and we were dissecting the previous evening, which was long and filled with bellydancing, fireworks, regular dancing and steak and booze. I recalled a part of the night where Rich, who had been drinking a clear brown liquid much of the evening, said I had a nice husband who let him blither at him for a long time. "Did I say that?" Rich said. "Wait," said Steve. "You don't remember the part of the reception where you told me that we were the only primates that took pictures of candy?"

Let me back up a bit though, because while Rich (and everyone) may have been drunk, at least part of this observation made sense. Here were just some of the desserts put out at the wedding:

wedding cake (several flavors)

popcorn (several flavors)

parfaits (several flavors)

bagged cotton candy with the bride and groom's name on it

fruit (WTF?)

an assortment of cookies with to-go boxes

an assortment of candy with to-go boxes

So it made sense for the photographer and other people to take pictures of this ridiculous spread. But Rich was so into this hypothesis of his that he actually tried to acquire a pen, on one of his trips to the bar, so he could write this down. Rich is a journalist and was pretty set, at the time, on reporting this situation which, you'd have to admit, would be a pretty probing piece. Why are we the only primates that take pictures of candy? What do other primates take pictures of? And are there non-primates that take pictures of candy?

I am still trying to sort out the best part of this whole situation: Rich's article idea, the fact that Steve sat on it for twelve hours and revealed it in a public forum, or the fact that I was at a wedding where it was in fact normal to take pictures of candy? I choose all of the above.

Last night I wrote about Project Runway for the LA Times. Also, if you'd like to check out the AV Club's least favorite cliches, go here. Finally, if you live in Chicago, have you alerted your babysitter/dogwalker/parole officer about the Interview Show next week?

Today I'm interviewing a gal I got to know via mediabistro.com (I know! It happens!) We've shared some fun writey experiences, like her editing me during the period I wrote for the dearly departed ElleGirl and our time doing stringing work for Glamour magazine. She is currently a successful Young Adult writer, penning books like Violet on the Runway, Violet by Design and Violet in Private (Penguin) and Lovestruck Summer (HarperTeen) and in 2008 she started the newsletter I Heart Daily, a daily newsletter about likable stuff.

At what point in your career did you start being involved with and covering teen interests?
After my first job at ROSIE magazine, I was at ELLEgirl. I would never have left if I'd had the choice. I adored the readers.

Why'd you start I Heart Daily?
Anne and I would always say, "Why isn't Daily Candy doing a teen version of their newsletter?" Finally, we got proactive about it and started what we thought that would look like. It became I Heart Daily, and it reminds me of the best parts of writing for the smart, awesome teenagers who read ELLEgirl.

What did you want to avoid with the newsletter, especially based on what you've seen with other newsletters?
I think the one-topic newsletter is generally a cool thing. It's simple and quick to digest, so I just wanted to be sure it didn't get too complicated or ad-ridden.

What do you do to stay in touch with what teens are into?
I live my life. Maybe I'm 17 inside. My likes seem to overlap greatly with what teens are into.

What's something popular that you'd love if you were a teen but don't, being an old lady and all?
I love this question. Edward Cullen.

What magazines do you subscribe to?
So many. It's ridiculous. Mostly because I write for many. The ones I'd read anyway include: Nylon, SELF, Venus Zine and Budget Travel.

Which did you subscribe to when you were a teen?
All of the teen mags (YM, Seventeen)... hmm... I'm sensing a trend. But Sassy was my favorite, by far.

What's the hardest part about writing YA fiction?
Being really honest about everything that makes up my characters. I think young adult readers can smell a fake much quicker than adults.

How do you handle tough book reviews?
I gripe privately and smile publicly. The worst one I posted here, on Alexa Young's awesome blog.

What kind of research did you do on the fashion/modeling world for the Violet books?
My years at ELLEgirl, where I often interviewed up-and-coming models, gave me enough of a glimpse of all the fabulous and frightening sides of that industry for 20 books.

What usually happens at your book club visits or non-bookstore/library author appearances?
I read, some questions are asked, some books are signed. It's all very pleasant.

Do you have any secrets for keeping those lively? I'd be afraid that folks would be shy and I'd hear crickets.
That's always a fear. WAKE author Lisa McMann, who rocks, taught me that sometimes passing around a hat with paper scraps and pens can be good--they can drop anonymous questions in there for you to pick out and answer if no one raises their hand to ask openly.

What have been some of your favorite freelance assignments?
Most of my favorite stuff--Hell House reporting, New Zealand finishing school, Hawaiian Tropic Tanning Pageant--was done on staff at ELLEgirl. Freelance-wise, though, I always love a story where I get to interview a girl who's changing the world somehow, and I get to do that for Girls' Life fairly regularly. The most recent example is here.

What are your favorite YA books, classic or contemporary?
So hard! My favorite YA book of the summer was probably LOOKS by Madeleine George. It ru-ules. And yours does too, though I'm not sure I'm allowed to kiss up that much. True, though.

The section "Other things I'm excited about: " on your site is blank! So what would you fill it in with as of this moment?
Ooh, Busted! Okay, I'll update it. It's a spot to showcase books I'm excited for. I host widgets there... uh, usually. Right now I'm excited for SMITHTeens 6-word memoirs. Awesome.

What happened to the very vain cloud? Did it learn a lesson about vanity?
Oh yes. It turned gray and then made rain, so really it died at the end. A cautionary tale.

How does it feel to be the 239th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Pretty darn random. And sweet.

I used to hate running so bad. I was never an out-of-shape person but I just loathed it--I hated doing the mile once a year in high school, I hated doing sprints for sports conditioning, I even hated doing it when I tried it on my own: I figured that if it was that tedious and boring and painful, then it must be the ultimate form of exercise so if I could master it, then I was really in shape. After a while I realized that life is too short to do exercise you loathe, so I gave it up. Last year though, I got into pretty good shape for my wedding, thanks to working out 6 or 7 days a week, twice a week with a trainer. Even though I rediscovered the art of eating after the wedding (a practice I had temporarily given up), I thought it would be a shame to let my physical achievements go to waste, so I decided to set a goal for myself--I'd run a 5K.

Fortunately I have a personal trainer who is really into running and who taught me, largely, that I had been doing it wrong the whole time. Basically, that cute pony-style of trotting where you lift your legs up high and pump your arms is a bit waste of energy. Plus, she'd run with me and tell me about her girlfriend and let me complain about various aspects of my life and before I knew it two and a half miles had gone by, which was annoying because it put an end to that whole "I can't run more than a mile" excuse.

I ran the 5K earlier this year and it was easier than I thought it would be, and fun, to boot, even though I was freaking out the night before recalling the time I had to run the mile in high school in under ten minutes and basically wet myself at the end. "I could have gone farther than that," I thought to myself, so as a challenge the other week I jogged from my house to my parents' house (about four and a half miles) and then last night, in the ultimate showdown (so far), I did five miles on the treadmill.

While I was tired and sweaty and stinkier than I'd ever been when I was done, it wasn't the distance so much that was rough (although I was mildly worried that I was going to pass out). It was the time: a little under an hour. Even though I'd get occasional bursts of "I can do it! I'm doing it!" I'd also think "This is so boring. I can't believe I have 45 more minutes of this. I could be home right now. I want to quit."

So I accomplished it but instead of thinking about the next goal, all I could think about is how I'm never going to run a marathon, not that I ever especially wanted to. What do you think about for five or six hours while you're jogging and beating your body up? I need mental and physical breaks from just sitting around for that long a period of time in front of the computer. I truly want to know, but I don't want to hear it if the answer is something along the lines of "I focus on the strength of my body and give thanks to God the entire time that I am alive and able to do this" because that is not helpful nor entertaining. So if you run marathons or know someone who does, can you please fill me in--what goes on in your brain during those 26 and 7⁄32 miles? Is there some sort of software where you can download movies directly into your brain and watch those while you run? Because maybe that would explain it.

As you may or may not know, I have a book coming out next week and I'll be out and about in Chicago to promote it. I'm not just trying to sucker you into supporting me and buying my book (but it wouldn't hurt if you did) but I think all these events sound cool and I hope you can come out and support both local talent and myself.

Thursday, September 3:
Book Cellar S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G B-E-E!

Come out for a night that spells F-U-N! It's the annual Book Cellar Spelling Bee! Celebrity judges include Random House rep Bridget Piekarz and Chicago writer and Billy Lombardo and myself. Stacey Ballis is the night's emcee.

Merriam-Webster and Time Out Chicago are contributing prizes for this year's bee. Don't miss it! (Otherwise, you'll misspelling!)

Start time: 07:00 PM
4736-38 North Lincoln Avenue
Chicago, IL 60625
773.293.2665
words@bookcellarinc.com

The Book Cellar, if you haven't been, is an awesome independent book store in Chicago that sells WINE so you can get your drink one while you get your spell on. Before or after make sure to wander around wonderful Lincoln Square and check out one of the many delightful places to eat.

Friday, September 4:

The Interview Show at the Hideout

The monthly Chicago-based talk show The Interview Show, hosted by Mark Bazer, is back at The Hideout.

This month: Interviews with:

-- JOEY SLOTNICK, noted TV and film actor, Lookingglass Ensemble Member and star of the Goodman Theatre's upcoming production of "Animal Crackers"

-- CLAIRE ZULKEY, novelist ("An Off Year") and blogger (Zulkey.com)

-- DOUG SOHN, owner of Hot Doug's: The Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium.

PLUS: A musical performance by Puerto Muerto

6:30pm - 8:00pm
$5 admission
The Hideout
1354 W. Wabansia
Chicago, IL

If you live in Chicago and haven't been to the Hideout yet, this is the perfect time to go. Plus, Bazer's show is a great way to start off a weekend--I've enjoyed being an audience member many times and am excited to make the transition to the stage. Maybe if you go enough times he'll have you on as a guest as well.

Wednesday, September 16

Local Author Night at the Book Cellar

For this month's Local Author Night, we welcome four fantastic writers:

* Tasha Alexander, author of A Fatal Waltz, A Poisoned Season, and Only to Deceive. Her latest novel, Tears of Pearl (a Lady Emily Mystery), hits shelves on Sept 1.

* Claire Zulkey, all-star blogger and writer and friend o' The Book Cellar. Her debut young adult novel, An Off Year, comes out on Sept. 3.

* Scott Blackwood, author of We Agreed to Meet Just Here, which won the 2007 AWP Award for the Novel and was published earlier in '09.

* Joan Naper, author of Beautiful Dreamer, a historical novel published earlier this year.

Start time: 07:00 PM
4736-38 North Lincoln Avenue
Chicago, IL 60625
773.293.2665
words@bookcellarinc.com

Saturday, September 26

Anderson's 6th Annual Young Adult Literature Conference

There is so much packed into this conference I can't even list it all here but you can find out more here. Basically a powerpacked day of Young Adult literature and writers.

I went to a fun wedding this weekend but I had one issue with the reception: there were way too many actually-good dancers on the floor. My husband and I are what you could classify as "shameless" dancers--we stink, but we know it and we play up how bad and cheesy we are and I think it works. I do the ol' pull-him-around-the-floor by the tie, he picks me up and spins me around and I accidentally kick someone in the head. We both robot extensively. But it's no fun to be ironically bad when 75% of the dancefloor is sincerely good. I saw swing dancing going on where guys were actually picking the girls up in what seemed to be a legitimate move. I might have seen fox-trotting? There was no way I could go out there and do my faux-interpretive dancing when there was actual dancing going on.

People: unless you are at some sort of dance competition or on a televised dance program or at a dance studio, please don't show off what a good dancer you are. It's just rude. It's like being invited to a Super Bowl party and bringing a bottle of very fine wine when everyone else brought High-Lifes, delivering a memorized sonnet as opposed to reading or coming actually PREPARED instead of bullshitting just like everyone else. No need to show the rest of us up, you know? If you need to dance well, get it out of your system before the wedding, or maybe do it outside.

I wrote about Entourage last night, if you watched.

I has them. Want to know what I thought of the return of Project Runway? How about the audiobook Born to Run? Or maybe some art I came to too late in life to enjoy? There you go.

A lot of people have been speculating about the "death panels" that will be convened to determine whether a person should get to receive health care based on his or her level of productivity in society under President Obama's proposed health care plan. This has led to a lot of hysteria and misinformation, especially from concerned elderly citizens who fear that the government will effectively euthanize them if they're sick.

This, of course, is preposterous. Let me clear a few things up about Obama's healthcare plan and who and who will not have the "plug" pulled on them when it comes down to it:

You will be euthanized if you cannot beat the President at a game of one-on-one basketball.

You will be put down if you do not have a proper measure of liberal white guilt in your bloodstream.

You will be killed if you are not a Muslim (death to infidels.)

You are not entitled to a right to life if you lost your virginity after the age of 14.

You will be put down if you have never had a homosexual encounter or will admit to the panel that you've always been "curious."

You will not get to live your life to its natural conclusion if you like things the way they were "in the old days" because the old days were old and stupid and slow and we don't have time for things like that anymore.

You will be euthanized if you are over 30. "Logan's Run" was a documentary, it turns out.

Your life will be terminated early if you have never experimented with drugs because this country does not need a bunch of uptight killyjoys sucking up all the oxygen.

You will be killed if you are pro-life. Just because this administration is a fan of cruel irony.

You will NOT be put down if you are Obama's (secret Kenyan) grandma.

I don't think that Brett Favre really cares anymore about who he plays for, playing football at all or even the concept of retirement. That drama queen just wants the spotlight to himself. It's pretty pathetic, and it's only going to get worse. Let's face it, he's a lady of a "certain age" and at a certain point he's going to be too old to play football. You can totally tell that he's the type who won't acknowledge it though until it gets embarrassing. He'll be wearing pants too tight for an old broad like him to pull off, shouting out plays when he should be murmuring demurely. He'll probably get tossed out of the league and the just announce that the NFL is just "jealous" of his fabulousness. And then we know what'll happen next. The clubbing. The dating of high profile jerks like Joe Francis or Brody Jenner. And before you know it he'll be calling the paparazzi ahead of time to let them know that he's leaving parties with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Then there'll be the rehab. And the leaving rehab early. And going back into rehab. Slutty magazine spreads, feuds with other gals. And then he'll probably release an album that will be not as bad as it could be but still unnecessary. The magazine covers of him with his finger coyly in his mouth. The spray tan line. The ratty extensions. The attention-getting haircut and the coming out of limousines with his legs open for the whole world to see. For some reason, they'll love him in Japan. And then, inevitably, crying about how the world won't "leave him alone." And then probably the sex tape, and maybe a stint on "The Surreal Life." And then there'll be talks of another comeback of course, but by then, it'll be just too damn late. By then his sluttier little sister will have taken on the scene and the best he'll be able to do is get cameos on her own reality TV show while his soulless parents count the money their poor, lost, jaded children have made them. You kinda feel sorry for people like Brett Favre, half lost little girl, half whore for fame. But you kinda hope they go to jail, too.

I know this weekend everyone was all excited about the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. I'm not taking anything away from people who do observe Woodstock, but I would just like to put it out there that there are some of us who were brought up to celebrate alternate concerts. I'm not saying that we need to change the entire concert worship system, but it would just be nice to be acknowledged sometimes. Not everyone has the same belief system, and that's what makes this country so great.

I'm aware that it might not be very popular to celebrate the concert at Altamont. However, that is just the way I was raised and even if I'm not as strict a follower as my parents are, I like to honor their tradition. Belief systems are complicated, so yes, while celebrating Altamont means acknowledging the uncomfortable fact that someone did get murdered, we can all appreciate the fact that the Stones did in fact rock, and aside from that unpleasantness, the Hell's Angels did a fine job guarding the stage by and large. Plus, whenever Altamont season rolls around we like to put on a bunch of Maysles brothers documentaries and watch those and get nostalgic.

Every belief system has those little elements that are hard to explain in the modern era, but we do our best. So maybe Altamont signified the end of the 60's. But to me, that's not such a bad thing, because the '70's would prove to be a very significant decade itself, featuring the births of myself and many of my contemporaries.

I know people find it overbearingly "politically correct" to be forced to acknowledge that not EVERYONE celebrates Woodstock, but when someone makes that little effort, it makes me feel more included in this holy season of honoring concerts that 99.99998% of the population did not attend. So Happy Woodstock, everyone. Happy Altamont. Happy Lollapalooza. Happy Lilith Fair and Happy Horde and Happy Warped.

But not Happy Woodstock '99. I hear the people who celebrate that sacrifice goats and whatnot.

Today I interview the author of one of the year's most talked-about nonfiction books, Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town. His first book, The Last Cowboys at the End of the World, was published by Crown in 2002. He has written for Harper's, Food and Wine, Outside, Fast Company, and Details.

For those who haven't read your book, how did you choose Oelwein Iowa as the setting of much of your book? And how did you find it?
When I first started reporting on meth, it was in Gooding, Idaho, in 1999. I spent weeks in that town following a few characters, and I wrote a book proposal that my agent wouldn't even attempt to sell. Eventually, in 2004, I wrote another proposal, this time about the town of Greenville, Illinois. I sold the proposal, and shortly thereafter the people I'd been talking to in Greenville said they didn't want to be written about after all. So I started over, looking for a place to land, and ended up in Oelwein because I developed a natural rapport with Clay Hallberg who, five years later, people would read about as the main character of Methland. With reference to demographics, socioeconomics, and meth, all three towns are the same. Oelwein is no worse or no better than Greenville or Gooding. It was a matter of finding people with the stomach to be written about, at a time when publishers would be willing buy the rights to the book.

Was there ever a point where you waffled over whether to specifically use Oelwein (as opposed to any other town?) At what point did you decide to pull the trigger? 
Once I talked to Clay, he introduced me to his brother, who is the former county public defender. Clay's brother introduced me to the prosecutor, Nathan Lein. Nathan put in a good word for me with the police chief and the mayor. All of this happened in a matter of days, and I never looked back. A book has to begin and end with people, and as soon as I had all these willing participants, the hard part was over.

Did you ever consider, at any point during the writing of the book, using a fake name for the town or its people? Did you ever wish you had once it was published?
I never considered it at all. To me, changing people's names undermines the integrity of the relationship I've built with them. It takes incredible courage to be written about--to then change someone's name, in my opinion, degrades that courage. However, Bloomsbury Publishing's lawyer didn't see it that way. He called me a week after I'd sent in the final manuscript--after four years of work, four fresh starts on the book, and never a word about changing anyone's name. He said I had to change the name of the town; the state; and the name and physical description of every character (there are about 25 separate characters in the book). That was three days before Thanksgiving. We argued every day for hours on the phone for a week, and I finally got him to agree to keeping all the names and places real except four people: a bar owner and three meth addicts. It took me weeks to get over that; I don't know that I've ever been so irate with anyone. What helped is that I re-named the worst of the addicts after the lawyer. 

How difficult was it to clear the stories that you did use in the book?  Did the people who agreed to be interviewed need to sign anything?
No one signed anything. A journalist's notes are his de facto release.

Did you feel that working on this book changed your attitude towards drugs and drug use?
Only insofar as I had no idea when I started the book that drugs could be a metaphor for so many larger issues: globalization, corporate economy, immigration, etc. When I started out, I thought, like everyone else, that what made meth meth was that it could be made in the sink. Turns out there's a lot more to it than that.

In researching the book, did you find anything that ties meth addicts together, in terms of what they get out of meth in particular?
A lot of it is the high itself. Not everyone can stand to be so high for twelve, twenty-four, forty-eight hours at a go. There's a kind of X Games, X-treme vibe among tweakers, like they're at the top of the Darwinian drug ladder. Aside from that, I just think that when your town, your county, and your state is increasingly impoverished, and you think you have the answer to how to survive--make meth, stay high--you band together for the simple reason that you think you know something other people don't, and are therefore wiser for it.

This may be a simplistic question but if meth seems to be a an agent of the type of change you discuss in towns like Oelwein, why do you think a stimulant, rather than depressant, has such appeal? You could argue that stimulants are more popular for people who need to party all night and work the next day, not in parts of the country where less is going on than there used to be.
Stimulants are also--if they work for a day or more at a time--more popular for people who have to work double-shifts in order to make ends meet and can't afford to sleep in between. There's only one stimulant like that, and it's cheap, to boot. 

What were your scariest moments researching the book?
When I started the book over for the third time in three years and my editor got fired the next week. I thought the book would be orphaned at the publisher, and all my work--stretching back seven years, to my time in Gooding, Idaho--would be for naught. Fortunately, my editor, who'd been at Houghton-Mifflin when he bought the book, got a job fairly quickly at Bloomsbury. Once there, he bought the book from H-M. So Methland actually had to be sold twice in order to be published, at a time when selling a book once isn't exactly easy.

Did you prepare yourself at all for Oelwein backlash? It's funny (funny-strange, not ha-ha) how a lot of the negative reviews of the book are specifically from disgruntled citizens.
I don't know how someone would prepare for that town hall meeting in Oelwein. That was intense. 400 people waiting to see what I looked like, ask me three hours' worth of very pointed questions, three evening news crews. I'd received many physical threats in the days leading up to the event: that's just a regular Tuesday, I guess, for Britney Spears, but for me--who's only written one other book that sold 3,000 copies over four years and went out of print--it was all new. What came out during the meeting was that almost no one who was angry had actually read the book. Oelwein doesn't have a book store; the nearest one is 40 miles  away. So all these people had read newspaper reviews that concentrated almost solely on the negative or sensationalistic aspects of the book: houses blowing up, people burning alive. They had no idea that Methland, in its final chapters, goes into enormous detail about how the town has turned itself around. Once that was established--by an elderly lady who stood up unprovoked in the middle of the crowd, brandishing her copy of the book and accusing her fellow townspeople of having their "heads stuck in the sand"--things went a lot better.

How did you prepare for the reading in Oelwein?
By having three beers and chewing half a tin of Skoal. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony...)

Did this experience change the way you might attack future projects?
Not really. It's not like people there were upset for no reason. They thought they're town had been trashed! It was just up to me to go there in person and explain that that's not the case. Or, as it happened, keep my mouth shut while an elderly woman explained that for me.

Did your research on Oelwein change your perception of your home town, St. Louis?
Yes. Saint Louis isn't that much different, really. It's been affected by all of the same trends in the last 30 years, which I didn't know. I moved away when I was 18, and I didn't grow up in the city, any way. I'm from the county, which is a completely separate world. In moving back here at a time when I'd just seen all of the forces at play in Oelwein, I saw my hometown with totally new eyes.

What's the deal with the City Museum?  Have you been there? It's so weird.
The idea that a new busload of under-supervised teenagers gets dropped off there every five minutes during much of the year is a pretty effective deterrent in my book.

What was the hardest part of pitching/selling your first book?
That no one wanted to trust the idea that I could write--or even effectively conceive of--an entire book. Why would they have believed that? I was 26 and hadn't even written any magazine articles of note. How my first book ever got sold is beyond me--the proposal was only 12 pages long (my Methland proposal was 35 pages). Of course, the publisher's risk on Last Cowboys was extremely limited, given how little they paid me.

Are you thinking about making your next project on a lighter subject? Like maybe the thriving caramel-corn industry in small towns?
No, now that my mother is 75, I feel I have a continuing obligation to keep her anxiety level very, very high. It's what keeps her so young and spry.

How does it feel to be the 238th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
It's quite an honor. I'll look forward to being invited back once my next book is sold and written, which shouldn't take more than 10-15 years.

1.) "That pig is sad that you do drugs. Don't you feel bad for making that pig so sad? Please stop doing drugs."

2.) "Addicted to pigs? Come to Dawn Farm."

3.) "Are you a pig addicted to drugs? Come to Dawn Farm. You'll get clean or you'll be breakfast."

1.) Make your sister wear really ugly jeans

Nothing makes a girl feel better than seeing her sister look worse than her, so encourage her to buy a pair of stupid jeans. If they can somehow make her extreme thinness work against her, all the better!

2.) Pet some salukis

As everyone knows, salukis have magical healing powers.

3.) Work out by the pool with a poster of yourself behind you

You'll be so tired from your workout and so weirded out by the poster of yourself behind you that you won't have time to think about your public, humiliating breakup. Also, make sure you use the lightest weights possible.

4.) Match your sunglasses to your bikini

It will probably be the most challenging thing you've done in a long time, so it'll take your mind off what's-his-face, plus brain-games like that help stave off Alzheimer's!

I contributed to this piece on the AVC and I don't mind telling you part of my input was the "Wayne's World" reference.

This isn't related to anything but I realized lately that amongst the other things they have going for them, beautiful women have also appropriated one more thing: extravagant tattoos. I am not a big fan of full-sleeve tattoos (or major swaths of skin covered in ink). It just looks weird to me, like you're wearing fake clothes or maybe you're standing in front of a green screen and a whole chunk of your body is missing. I'm not JUDGING--fortunately turning 30 has brought me a new appreciation of not caring so much about what other people do--I don't care how it's going to look when they're 80 or why they spent so much money on it or if they're degenerates or whatever. It's just an aesthetic thing.

However there is one exception and it is with particular style of lady, I'll call her Beautiful Ironic Retro. If you want to get a look at some of these women, just go to any cool salon and they're probably working the front desk or cutting hair. There are exceptions to these rules but typically they are very pale, wear Bettie-Page style hair and makeup and are unusually beautiful. They may also, with their free time, crochet salty sayings on pillows and make beautiful pies and also somehow find really neat items at resale shops (whereas I only find things that smell weird and fit weirder).

These women seem to be able to pull off the big extravagant tattoos. There is one lady at my salon who has a gigantic shark swimming across her clavicle and it looks amazing. If she were a guy you'd be thinking "OK, overcompensating, are we?" but, maybe because she is a perfect canvas it looks more like "body art" than "tramp stamp."

It just seems unfair. Pretty pretty people already have so many advantages in the world and this seems like it shouldn't be one of them, the successful pulling-off of major tattoos.

(And if you're wondering, I don't have any tattoos, because my parents raised me right. Just kidding, it's because I never thought of something I liked enough to have put on me for forever and also the few body parts I liked enough to have tattooed I wanted to keep free and clear without obstruction.)

Hi! Did you want to know what I thought about the finale of "So You Think You Can Dance"? How about who I'd pick as my celeb BFF?

The way I know today's interviewee is kind of funny: one day I was getting my hair highlighted (it's our little secret) and the wonderful guy with the tinfoil said "Do you know a girl named Kate Harding? She's one of my clients. For some reason I think you gals would just get along great, and you have a lot in common." He gave me her card which I held onto for a while until I saw her face on the cover of the RedEye here in Chicago which spurred me to email her and say hi. I won't exactly take credit for my meeting being the thing that catapulted her into the blogosphere spotlight, but I'm sure it had 98% to do with it. Anyway, she is the co-author of the new book Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body. Before the book, Kate was the founder of Shapely Prose, a blog about body acceptance and the treatment of fat people in the media, and now you'll find her writing spread far and wide across the web.

You've been writing about fat acceptance for a while: why this book and why now?
Well, I've been sitting on these questions for so long, "now" is sort of stretching it. But that aside, the book deal actually came together less than a year after I started Shapely Prose in 2007, so I wasn't blogging very long before it was underway. 

I started the blog around April 1, with the hope that I could build up enough of a readership to sell a book. (It was a slightly crazy hope at the time, and I totally didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did.) By the end of that summer, Marianne and I were talking about writing a practical guide to liking your body. We had no idea if we could sell it, but we were both watching our traffic go up and figured if it hit a certain point, we would officially have a "platform." Then the New York Times called that fall to interview us about the "fat-o-sphere" -- and having worked in publishing, I knew the day that article ran would be the day to start querying agents. 

Conveniently, although we did the first interviews in October, the story didn't run until January, so we had plenty of time to get a proposal together and let our traffic grow a little more. Turned out my prediction was correct -- when the article finally ran, I had agents and editors contacting me within hours (though we eventually went with one we queried separately). Since we had the idea and the proposal ready to go, it was really easy to hit the ground running. After a few revisions with our agent's help, the proposal went out, and we sold the book in March, just before our first blogiversaries. 

"Why this book?" will be answered in the next question.
 
How is it different from other books out on the same topic?
Well, first, there aren't that many other books out there on the same topic. There are a few fat acceptance books, Health at Every Size books, love your body books... but Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere is all of that and something else entirely. Basically, Marianne and I set out to answer the question: "No, really, how the fuck do you go from hating your body to liking it?" We'd both taken a long and twisty path to self-acceptance, and we wanted to identify the milestones and a-ha moments that might have some practical value for other people, because most of the self-help stuff on body image is like, "Look in the mirror and give yourself a compliment! Take a bubble bath! Light some candles!" Which, you know, barf. Also, not helpful. 

We sat down and hammered out a list of 30 things that actually made us like ourselves a little better -- e.g., not watching so damned much TV (and comparing ourselves to actresses/absorbing 8 gazillion "you're not good enough" messages from commercials); buying clothes that fit; finding decent shrinks; trying forms of exercise that sounded like fun instead of calorie-burning torture; refusing to get sucked into the unfortunately common "I'm so fat and gross" female bonding rituals; learning to read media reports on THE OBESITY CRISIS BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA with a critical eye. Little stuff and big stuff, just anything that made a real difference for both of us. That's the heart of the book. And I don't think there's anything else like it on the market, really. 

What lessons did you learn putting the book together?
Most of the big lessons were related to co-authoring -- figuring out who does what is tricky -- but that's probably boring for your audience. One very cool thing we learned is that people were a lot more receptive to this concept than we expected -- lots of publishers were at least somewhat interested, and we ended up with three ultimately bidding. We thought people would be much more hostile to the very idea of fat acceptance, but because body image issues are such a widespread problem for women (and we were mostly dealing with women in the industry), a whole lot of people, fat and thin, were intrigued. We kept hearing, "It's not just a fat thing -- everyone needs to read this book!" Which is flattering, but incredibly sad, really. Given the way this culture treats fat people, at least it's easily understandable why so many fat women hate their own bodies -- but loads of thin women, and in-between women, and women recovering from eating disorders, etc., have really found it resonates with them. If you have a female body, you've probably been conditioned to believe it will never be good enough. 

Do you have a policy on how you deal with commenters on your blog?
Oh my, yes I do. The full version is here. Some elaboration is here. The nutshell is: Don't piss me off. You can rail about how unfair I am, how I'm quashing dissent, how I'm creating an echo chamber all you like, but the bottom line is, I won't tolerate abuse or foolishness. If you can't act like a grown-up, get lost and start your own blog. There's your freedom of speech, right there. 

And as it turns out, the Shapely Prose comments are really lively, smart, funny, thought-provoking reading. They're one of the most rewarding parts of blogging for me. The Draconian comments policy isn't shutting down debate and discussion; it's shutting down assholes and making room for fun, interesting, thoughtful people to speak up. 

Obviously, people feel free to say whatever hateful thing they want in comments sections thanks to anonymity.  Have you ever had dissenters come to you personally to discuss their opinions, like at a reading?
In person, no -- people have been fabulously sweet at readings. I do get e-mails (especially after I ban people) demanding that I respond to certain criticisms RIGHT NOW. Thing is, they're inevitably issues I've covered ad nauseam on the blog and in the book. But, but... obesity crisis! But, but... I lost weight and kept it off! But, but... I think fat chicks are gross, and if everyone listens to you, we'll all get fat and there won't be anyone left I want to fuck! (Sadly, I am only paraphrasing there, not exaggerating.) If you can't be bothered to read the thousands of pages I've written on all these topics, I can't really be bothered to respond to your snotty e-mail. 

Do you think your skin is thicker than the average writer's?
Probably not. But my boundaries are pretty firm and I don't hesitate to enforce them, which makes a big difference. Of course it still hurts to be told I'm stupid/crazy/ugly/untalented/bringing about the downfall of western civilization, whatever. But nobody gets to say that shit publicly on my blog, for starters, and I deliberately avoid it as much as possible everywhere else. I don't read comments at Broadsheet, even though I'd like to engage with a lot of the sane, interesting readers there, because so many of the comments are simply abusive -- and I ain't getting paid enough to take abuse. I don't read the forums I know are out there talking smack about me. What's the point? It's not like it's constructive criticism I could actually learn from; it's just hate. 

Where I might have a thicker skin is in terms of my actual writing, not content-related hate. I went through a lot of years of self-doubt about my work (before much of it was published), but after working in publishing, going through an MFA program, and writing a lot of really bad juvenilia, I'm pretty comfortable with what I'm doing now. I have a decent idea of what I do well and what I suck at, so I play to the former. It's not for everyone, but when someone complains about my writing (other than an editor I'm actually working with), I tend to think, "Well, you're probably not my audience," as opposed to "OMG, I am such a hack, I should hang it up!" And man, that is an invaluable skill to have as a writer. Being able to take useful criticism is incredibly important -- but so is being able to identify what's not useful and ignore it. 

When it comes to fat acceptance, is there anything for you that's a deal-breaker, like "OK, maybe that IS unhealthy"?
No. I mean, sure, there are fat people who engage in unhealthy behaviors, just as there are thin people who do. (At this writing, I remain stubbornly addicted to cigarettes, so I can hardly talk.) And there are a few people out there who are big enough that their weight itself really impinges on their quality of life. But it's still not a "deal-breaker" for a couple of reasons. 

1) Every human being deserves the same rights, respect and dignity as any other, and that applies to unhealthy people just as much as healthy ones. 

2) Whether you weigh 150 lbs. or 700, permanent substantial weight loss is virtually impossible. Practically everyone gains it back. Most of us can lose a bunch of weight temporarily -- I've done it more than once -- but even weight loss surgery often doesn't result in more than a very modest long term loss (with serious risks), and non-surgical weight loss has a ridiculously high long-term failure rate. We really don't know how to make fat people permanently thin. 

The people who lose a lot of weight and keep it off for longer than 5 years are statistical outliers -- yet we just keep acting like the 90-odd percent of people who gain it all back must be individually screwing something up. They must be lazy, they must not be properly motivated (which is absurd, given all of the compelling reasons not to be fat in this culture) they must be too unwilling to give up eating donuts by the gross. It's ridiculous. The simple fact is, diets just don't work.

So let's say you do have serious health problems that can be directly attributed to your weight (usually, it's nowhere near that clear cut). That's a terrible, tragic situation to be in. It still doesn't mean that trying to lose weight and keep it off will magically work for you, just because you have a better reason to do it than most. Again, we still don't know how to make fat people permanently thin.  

Appreciating that fact is really crucial to understanding what fat acceptance is all about. I get variations on this question a lot, but if you fully grasp that permanent weight loss is virtually impossible for all but a tiny handful of outliers, it's obvious that there's no point at which someone really should try to lose weight for their health. There might be a point at which, in an ideal world where we knew of a reliable means of achieving permanent weight loss, it'd be worth a shot. But in this world, with a mountain of evidence showing us that people who lose weight eventually end up just as fat as or fatter than when they started, it's a sucker bet. You put yourself through the physical and mental stress of losing weight, and you end up right back where you started -- feeling like a failure, to boot, and possibly with some new health problems caused by weight cycling. Unfortunately, that's true for nearly everyone, no matter how many health issues they suffer from. 
 
I have no actual numbers to back this up, but in my estimation, the majority of the population is either normal-weight or overweight, with a minority being underweight, so that means, to me, that the majority of people who are fat-haters are not actually skinny themselves (feel free to contradict me because this might be totally wrong). So what gives?
Well, about two-thirds of us qualify as overweight or obese according to a BMI chart, so it's safe to say that the majority of Americans are being told they're "too fat," whether they are or not. (People in the "overweight" category live longest of all.) In light of that, what gives is internalized oppression. Fat is so thoroughly demonized in this culture, of course most fat people hate themselves. 

And in fact, you get brownie points for hating yourself, and hating other people like you. If you're dieting because you're disgusted with yourself, you get more approval than someone who isn't on a diet. If you only wear a size 18, you get to identify with thin people for a moment when you look at a woman in size 28 jeans and say, "Ugh, I'd never let myself get as fat as her." If you talk about how much you need to lose weight, you get points for not being "in denial." As long as you're ashamed of your fat body (and disgusted by other peoples'), you're behaving appropriately in this culture, even if you don't look appropriate. As soon as you say, "Yeah, I don't actually think there's anything wrong with my fat ass, or hers, or his or your mom's," you've graduated from being a pathetic fat person to a pathetic, deluded fat person in many people's eyes. Who wants that? 

It takes guts to refuse to hate yourself for being fat -- because then you're not just ostracized for the fatness, but for refusing to follow the cultural script. Obviously, I think it's the healthiest, most satisfying way to go in the long run -- but I can understand why a lot of people don't even try. It's hard to deal with the reaction to admitting openly that you don't want to lose weight. A hell of a lot harder than dieting, frankly. It just has a much better outcome.

You are going on an airplane ride and you have absolutely nothing to do and you go to the Hudson News and there are only two magazines left on the stands: one features a cover on Lindsay Lohan's terrifying weight plunge, the other on Jessica Simpson's weight gain.  Which do you buy and why?
Oh man, neither. I take a Xanax and go to sleep. 

Do your readers ever assume anything about you, personally or physically, based on your writing?
Well, sure. I could spend forever answering this, but one example is that, because I talk so much about Health at Every Size, I often hear from people who assume I wouldn't approve of them because they don't eat a balanced diet and get regular exercise. They think I only care about stereotype-busting fatties, not the ones who maybe do sit on the couch wearing sweats and eating ice cream. I really like to think that's not there in my writing as a whole, but I can understand how you might get that impression if you came in at a certain time or place. And it bums me out, because that is so not what I'm about. I think stereotype-busting is one important part of changing cultural attitudes toward fat people, but the bottom line is: Human beings deserve dignity and respect. Fat people are human beings. Period. 

What do you think your next book project would be about?
Oh, man. That would be way too long and way too wobbly an answer right now. I'll get back to you. 

At one point you were some chick my colorist said I should get in touch with and then suddenly you were one of the most famous bloggers I knew in Chicago. Can you pinpoint the time or pieces that seemed to break you out as a blogger?
The BMI project, which I started in October 2007, was the first thing that got national media attention. The Fantasy of Being Thin, which went up about a month later, got a bazillion links and is still basically my all-time greatest hit. But it wasn't so much specific posts as a series of lucky breaks. The aforementioned New York Times article brought waaaay more attention than I anticipated -- I don't give old media enough credit sometimes. Joy Nash, of Fat Rant fame, started talking me up at the height of her YouTube superstardom, and Melissa McEwan invited me to contribute to Shakesville, which brought me a whole new audience. In the spring of 2008, I started writing for Broadsheet, which was another audience again, plus the added cred of an online magazine, vs. a labor-of-love blog. And around the same time, I sold the book, which suddenly made me a body image "expert" instead of just a blogger. It was really a series of events that piled up over time -- I don't know that there was one moment when I went, "Hey, check me out, I'm fucking famous on the internet!" 

What's the most delicious thing you've eaten lately?
I went to Francesca's on Bryn Mawr last night and had a really fantastic chicken breast/fresh mozzarella/prosciutto/tomato sauce/basil/linguine thing. And like everything there, it was enough for three meals, so I had it again today, which was slightly less delicious but still better than anything I ever do in the kitchen. 

What blogs do you read every day?
Other than Shapely Prose and Broadsheet: Feministing, Feministe, Racialicious, Jezebel, Sociological Images, Pharyngula, Fatshionista, The Black Snob, Breakup Girl, I Has a Hotdog, Women & Hollywood... and several dozen others on my Google Reader.

Do you feel an obligation to stick to the topic of fat acceptance for a while? What if, in the future, you feel inclined to write less about that and more about another topic? Would you be worried about alienating your fans?
I feel obligated not to sell out fat acceptance, but not necessarily to stick to it as a primary subject. Like, you're not going to see me writing a "Thin Thighs in 30 Days" article for Cosmo just for the money, and you're not going to see me consciously distance myself from the subject or announce somewhere down the line that I've decided I need to lose weight. 

But yeah, I am already feeling the pull to write about a million other things. I mean, I came into this as a writer who happens to be passionate about the subject, not as an activist. And at this point, between the blog and the book, I've written thousands of pages on the topic. There's endless new material, but I also have endless interests, and now that I'm in a position to get paid for writing, I'd like to explore those as well. Like, one of my possible ideas for book 2 is an exploration of how Americans deal with grief -- unfortunately, I have zero expertise, but it's another subject I'm really fired up about. I'd really love to finish a novel -- my MFA is in fiction -- and I'm sure I'll have fat characters, but not necessarily overt Fat Acceptance themes. 

I don't think I'll ever be done with fat acceptance as a topic, but I don't particularly want to make a whole career out of it. Not because I don't think it's worthy of a whole career, but because I just have too many other things I want to write and think about. I do worry about finding an audience for non-fat stuff but hey, I never expected to find the audience I did for fat stuff. A lot depends on what other lucky breaks I might get and, frankly, who's willing to pay me to write what (within reason).  

How does it feel to be the 237th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Fucking fantastic.
 

I covered the "So You Think You Can Dance" finale last night, part one. And that's about it for now. Did you know that asparagus is not in season and is very expensive right now? And also, that trimming and chopping up five pounds of asparagus is tedious? I learned that the hard way.

There is a guy dressed up as a sandwich near my office. I feel bad for this guy because, well, he's dressed like a sandwich. But also, I avoid interacting with him because, to be specific, he is dressed as a Subway sandwich. I do not like Subway sandwiches. When I eat Subway I just feel sad because I can't believe I spent money on such a bland, boring sandwich--I could slap any two pieces of bread together without even trying and make a better sandwich than Subway (for the record my favorite sandwiches are at Al's Deli in Evanston, but I am also a longtime Jimmy John's customer and a fan of Potbelly as well.) So if this guy was dressed up like a Jimmy John's sandwich or a Potbelly sandwich (I doubt that Al's would deign to dress a person up as one of their sandwiches) I would happily interact with this sandwich guy and maybe even try to shake him down for a free sandwich or a coupon or something. But instead of I avoid the Subway guy and more and more lately just get annoyed when I see him wandering around, uselessly, seeming to hate his job. I just hate looking at him; he seems so bereft, not knowing if he should play it straight or be a clown or whatever. And nothing is worse than a more-useless-than-usual Subway sandwich.

Yesterday though I spotted the sandwich guy on the corner across from my office, a corner I was specifically considering crossing towards but decided to avoid in order not to have to interact with the sandwich guy. There I was, probably about to jaywalk and probably die in a traffic accident when a bolt of blue came from the sky, in the form of a bolt of blue fabric coming from my office building. A nun! A nun dressed in a teal habit walked in front of me and crossed the street and like a miracle something about her made the sandwich guy turn around and walk the other way down the street. Maybe she had a force field Maybe he's secretly the sandwich antichrist. Maybe he just had to go use the bathroom. But that nun saved my life.

Postscript: I followed the nun across the street and walked behind her a few paces, contemplating the interesting folds in her wimple/apostolnik/epimandylion/head thingy and how she was all covered up except from the calves down and why she elected to wear shoes with a two inch heel. Then I went to the beach for a while and read about Paris Hilton and got sweaty and went back to work. I wish I could tell you that I either ate a sandwich or went to church but neither happened although that would be a nice bookend.

From the person who gave me stankface and muttered "It's a DOG Park" after his huge albino Great Dane repeatedly tried to hump my obviously-unhappy greyhound.

RESPONSE: "It's not a dog RAPING park."

From the person who said "Stick with what you know" because he thinks I shouldn't review "So You Think You Can Dance" due to my lack of a dance background.

RESPONSE: "And you clearly are sticking with what YOU know: being lame."

From a friend from Detroit: "I hope the White Sox don't make it to the playoffs. No offense!"

RESPONSE: "None taken! I also hope the things you enjoy fall apart." (Note: in reality I said "None taken! I cannot begrudge the Motor City any small happinesses," which might be jerkier than my fake response.)

Today I interview the author of an interesting new book called The Whole Five Feet, about his experiences reading the Harvard Classics over one year. He also is an assistant editor at Harper's Magazine. His essays and reviews have appeared in the New York Times Book Review, The Believer, Tin House, Bookforum, and elsewhere. He is the co-editor, with Joyce Carol Oates, of the Ecco Anthology of Contemporary American Short Fiction.

Which of the Harvard Classics did you most enjoy reading? You have to pick just one.
The cop out answer -- that I can't pick just one -- happens to be true in this case. But if I must, I'll choose Emerson's essays, which I already knew quite well before encountering them in the Harvard Classics and which have long been favorites of mine. I'd probably give another answer on another day, though.

Which was your least favorite?
Simply as a reading experience, my least favorite was Darwin's On the Origin of the Species.

Different question: which do you think is the most overrated?
See above. I certainly wouldn't say that the historical or intellectual importance of Darwin's work is overrated. If anything, I suppose that some segments of the population are too quick to dismiss it, because they are unwillingly to grapple with its implications. But to the extent that a "classic" is a book that can be read and enjoyed by the "common reader," rather than just paid lip service, I'm not sure Origin of the Species qualifies. Scientific writing creates a tricky question for canon-makers for two reasons: it's usually written for a specialized audience, and it is meant to be superceded by future work. This is where compiling a "great books" list differs as an exercise from using books to teach intellectual history.

What was the first thing you read when you were done reading the whole five feet?
I actually went on from the five foot shelf to a second Harvard Classics set -- the fiction shelf. So the first thing I read was Fielding's novel Tom Jones, which is the first volume of that set.

Was this a difficult book to pitch to an agent/publisher? How different did it turn out from your original idea?
It wasn't an especially hard sell, as these things go. The book I "pitched," though, wasn't the book I finally wrote, mostly because events in my life during the reading year made it impossible to write the jokey "my year of doing X" book that I had planned. This book, I think, is a much better book, but I'd rather have skipped some of those experiences and written a slighter work.

What would you include if you put out your own set of classics?
Allowing for the fact that the Classics were compiled in 1909, and thus skip over the past hundred years of literature, their greatest lack are 19th century writers like Nietzsche and Marx, whose works had such a profound effect on the 20th century. So I'd probably throw in Marx's Capital and a representative work of Nietzsche's, maybe Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

I read that one of the reasons you embarked on this project was to get away from a novel you were working on: what's it about?
I think I'll just say that embarking on this project succeeded pretty well in getting me away from that novel, and leave it at that.

Is that the same novel you're working on now? If not, how are they different?
See above. Strangely enough, the novel I'm working on now is if anything less self-consciously concerned with literary tradition than my first, failed novel.

Why did you give yourself a year to read the books?
The honest and uninspiring answer is that the calendar year seemed like the most marketable of arbitrary time limits. Also, it seemed challenging but still do-able. (There are 51 volumes, so I was able to read roughly on a week.)

Have you been hearing a lot of stories from readers about their own (or their families') experiences with the Harvard Classics?
A number of people have told me that they own untouched sets of the Classics and that reading my book has inspired them at least to crack a few volumes. This has been nice. One person mentioned that I had
"inspired" him to place his set on Ebay, which I suppose means it's more likely to find its way to someone who will read it...

What's the difference between the Harvard Classics and the Great Books?
When the Harvard Classics appeared, the term "Great Books" wasn't really in usage to describe classic literature. This was brought into the mainstream by a second, similar project, the Encyclopedia
Britannica's Great Books of the Western World, which was largely undertaken by Mortimer Adler and others at the University of Chicago.

What did you do when you needed to get your head out of the books? TV? Walks? Reading magazines?
I never really felt the need to get my head out of the books in that sense. My reading was integrated to a surprising and gratifying degree with the rest of my life. When I wasn't reading, I was just going about my life -- seeing friends and family, being in the world, etc.

How did you know how much of yourself to put in "The Whole Five Feet" and how much of the books?
This was a tough problem, though it was made easier by the natural integration I mention above. Talking about the books meant talking about my life; talking about my life meant talking about the books. My editor also helped a lot. It's a common complaint about the contemporary publishing world that editors are too swamped with the business of publishing to do any real editing, but this wasn't my experience at all. My editor was a kind of collaborator in a way that was extremely valuable to me.

What do you rely on to learn about new books? Word of mouth? Goodreads?
Books often point to other books, I find, and so many of my "recommendations" come from reading I've already done. I also have good friends whose opinions I respect, and we spend a lot of time talking about books. There are a handful of critics whose positive reviews will send me looking for a book, but not all that many.

Do you read the reviews? Which do you take more to heart, the critiques of the part of the book that are autobiographical or those that are more about the books?
I read the reviews. It's tough not to, especially for a first time author. As someone who writes reviews myself, I think I have a healthy attitude about the importance or lack thereof of any one person's opinion about my work. The frustration comes when someone makes fundamental errors about plot points that suggest they didn't give the work serious attention. Beyond that, the reviews don't mean all that much to me. That goes for the positive reviews as well as the negative. (I've had a few of both.)

What have been some of your favorite pieces published during your time at Harper's?
As a reader of books, I'm especially proud to work for a magazine with such a strong review section. Most of the best critics around -- William Gass, Cynthia Ozick, Wyatt Mason -- write frequently for us.

What would you say sets The Ecco Anthology of Contemporary American Short Fiction apart from other short fiction anthologies?
The idea behind the anthology was that it be largely composed of stories from the past few years. Around the turn of the century, there were a number of "Best of the 20th Century" collections. Nearly a decade into the 21st Century, we thought it was worth collecting some of the best work done since then. Joyce Carol Oates, who was the primary editor of the collection, has very catholic tastes as a reader (and, indeed, writes stories in just about every imaginable mode), and the great strength of the collection, to my mind, is its diversity.

Realist stories by Edward P. Jones, Maile Meloy, and Jhumpa Lahiri share space with more "experimental" work by David Foster Wallace or George Saunders. I think we did a pretty good job of displaying the
full range of fiction being written in America these days.

How does it feel to be the 236th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Delightful. Now I have a new reading project: making my way through the first 235.

The sound effect of a beer been opened and poured into a glass. It drives me crazy for some reason. The gurgling or something just skeezes me out as opposed to makes me want a cold one. I hate it on beer radio ads and I really hate it now that NPR for some reason has decided to make it its de-facto production note each time it brings up President Obama meeting with Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley. That is basically the main reason why I can't wait for this story to go away: not because I want this racial issue resolved or I want to see how the President solves this conflict, but because I can't stand to hear "POP! Gurgly gurgly gurgly" any more.

I wrote about "So You Think You Can Dance" last night. I'm sick of this season, kind of.

A "normal" guy dates a pool of women of various sizes
REJECTED: The guy will choose a skinny woman.

A fat guy dates a pool of women of various sizes
REJECTED: The guy will choose a skinny woman

A "normal" guy dates a pool of larger women
REJECTED: This would never, ever, EVER happen! You're fired.

A "normal" woman dates a pool of fat men
REJECTED: This show is already on TV and it's called "The King of Queens"/"The Simpsons"/"Family Guy"/"The Honeymooners"/"The Flintstones"/"Dinosaurs"/"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

A fat guy dates a racially diverse pool of larger women
REJECTED: The black women would get sick of the white women crying and either hit them or leave the show.

A fat guy marries a bitchy fat woman
REJECTED: See: "Bridezillas"

So, yeah: If you want to read my writeup of the actual show, go here. Warning, it has a touch of "language," which by my Twitter buddies deemed "in poor taste" but "inaccurate? no."

Hey! Zulkey.com will actually return tomorrow, as it has way too much pay-the-bills stuff to catch up on to blog properly. Unless I can invent a robo-blogger quickly....nah, I can't.

I'll be out of town for the rest of the week so please enjoy this early interview! I'll be back on Monday.

Today I chat with the author of the new novel The Last War, a story inspired by some true events from her life. She's also the author of the novel Loving Che and the short story collection In Cuba I Was a German Shepherd, which was a 2001 New York Times Notable book of the year and the title story of which won a Pushcart Prize. She has worked as a journalist in the United States and abroad, including the last three years as a prize-winning columnist for The Miami Herald. As a reporter, she has written about Cuba, Kashmir, Afghanistan, and India, where she was based for three years. Her work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The New Republic, The New York Times, and Gourmet magazine. She just returned from teaching at The American University in Cairo, Egypt, as a 2008-09 Fulbright Scholar.

Which stories are you proudest of as a journalist/columnist?
It's tough to narrow it down. I put so much into every column that I'm happy with all of them for different reasons. But if I had to pick one story, it would be the series of columns I did on the janitor strike at the University of Miami that eventually led to benefits and better working conditions for some of the lowest paid people on the Coral Gables campus.

Do you go about writing fiction differently than you do nonfiction/journalism?
Yes. Journalism doesn't give you a lot of time to revise or worry about craft. With fiction you have much more time (almost unlimited, really) to make sure it sounds exactly as you want it to sound.

Why did you title The Last War as such? What other titles did you consider?
I like the double entendre, the last war meaning the previous war and also the final one. One of my earliest choices was The Gate of Happiness, which is one of the ancient names for Istanbul. Everyone thought it was too obscure.

What are your favorite books or films set in wartime?
It would definitely have to be Casablanca, which is why I was so pleased when O Magazine compared it to that incomparable film.

Of the war zones you've been to, which would you return to in peacetime if you could?
Afghanistan. It's an amazing country.

If you had to be exiled somewhere, where would it be?
Istanbul or somewhere close on the Black Sea like Ovid...

How did you like Egypt? Did you feel it was impossible to escape your Americanism there? When I was there it felt like I was treated like a fancy alien with a lot of money.
I loved Egypt. And my Americanism was rarely an issue - probably because I look Middle Eastern. I felt very at home.

What do you think you got out of NYU that you might not have gotten from another writing program?
Lifelong friends and a community of serious writers. Going to the NYU MFA program was probably the best decision I've ever made in my life.

I read in an older interview of yours that "I try to write from about 9 a.m. to 1 p.m" If this is still your routine (or something like that), what do you do when you sit down for that time and nothing is coming to you?
That routine is really a luxury. I haven't been able to stick to it since I stopped being a student. When I was working as a columnist for the Miami Herald, I ended up doing most of my writing at night (after I filed) or on the weekend. If nothing comes to me, I write anyway. I write about how nothing's coming and try to explore that, maybe dream of a character to whom nothing happens.

I was trying to think of something funny to write about this story involving a Michael Jackson butter sculpture at the Iowa State Fair, but was having a hard time because the whole story was so "Waiting for Guffman" to begin with. A Michael Jackson statue made out of butter, a 1971 visit from the Jackson Five that would tenuously give the singer a connection to the state, and then, of course, Michael Jackson moonwalking over to Neil Armstrong...all out of butter. It was too much.

But then I realized that by putting "Michael Jackson," "Neil Armstrong" "moonwalk" and "walked on the moon" all in one article, the Times has alluded to one very old, tasteless (but kind of funny, depending on the delivery) Michael Jackson joke. It is VERY tasteless. If you're dying to know what it is, go here, unless you are my parents or someone who thinks like them.

I remember after September 11, there was all this discussion about when, if ever, it would be appropriate to be silly again, to talk about celebrity gossip and things like that, and it seemed as if, unofficially, the Onion (and maybe Saturday Night Live to a lesser extent) broke down the humor barrier. Similarly, I have wondered how long after Michael Jackson's death would we return to Michael Jackson jokes, because, let's face it, there are a million of 'em just waiting, patiently, to be revived. While the Times didn't actually make the Michael Jackson/Neil Armstrong joke, the paper clearly is yearning for them to be set free. I wouldn't expect this from the New York Times but I applaud the gray lady nonetheless. Now let me know if you want to know why Michael Jackson went to K-Mart.

Hey, somebody please bid on this Pez dispenser. And if you want to know how bad Labor Pains was, go here.

I was going to write something today on how annoying teenagers are but I am on a million other deadlines so you'll just have to wait for that bit of genius. If you're dying to read some things I wrote though I shared my opinions on how to make wedding ceremonies unique here for the AV Club, my writeup of "So You Think You Can Dance" here for the LA Times, and my story about my Significant Object I guess still isn't good enough to get me a bid higher than .50.

If you feel like watching a video that includes a cat in a wig and a cat in a bathtub, you should watch my friend Erica's video she made for Apartments.com. If you take the time to register and vote for it she can win a bunch of money and then I can mooch off her forever, or at least for a few days.

First of all, please read the story of Significant Objects and bid on my Significant Object. So far my treasured Pez dispenser is only getting .50. What kind of crap is that?

When I was going to the airport last weekend I saw all these signs for a show called Cavalia, which was billed as "Cirque du Soleil with horses." The ads also featured a logo that looks something like that from a restaurant (albeit one that either caters to, serves or is run by horses) and an image of a horse that was clearly made up to look slightly like a beautiful woman. Come on, look at that mane, those eyes. I was a little girl once and I recognize that sort of image (kind of like "the Last Unicorn", you know, a unicorn with Mia Farrow living inside it).

Moreover I was curious about what Cirque du Soleil with horses would be like. I've seen Cirque du Soleil and was duly impressed by the acrobatics but hated the clowns and the European/Asian mysticism going on and also things like dancing with a piece of fabric can get old after a while. But with horses...maybe a French clown horse would be way funnier, especially if he took a poop on the stage. What if a bunch of horses all stood on each others' backs on top of a giant ball? I would totally pay to see a beautiful lady horse dancing from the ceiling on a long piece of silk.

I just read the review of the show though and am sad to say that apparently the horses don't do much more than run around beautifully. There are a few tricks in the show but they involve boring old humans. AND, tickets cost an arm and a leg. Well, I'm sorry. If I'm going to shell out big bucks for a horse circus, I want a circus run BY horses and only WITH horses (and maybe FOR hoses too, and people as well). I say nay to that.

(Did you catch that joke there at the end? Let me know if you didn't).

So there is this TV show called "More to Love" which is "The Bachelor" but for larger-than-what-you-see-on-TV-sized women. One of the campaigns I saw for it said something like "The average American woman is a size 16. The average reality TV show woman is a size 0. Finally, a reality TV show where REAL women find love."

You know I spend my life looking for ways to feel slighted and outraged and I think I am on to something here. So if the average reality TV show lady is a size 0 but in the meantime there are these other shows that cater to "real" people ("More to Love," "Dance Your Ass Off,"), how about those of us who are only semi-real? You know, those that fall square in the middle of 0-16? Forget for a second that I am already technically married--where is my chance to meet some person on TV and mostly likely be publicly humiliated in my quest to find televised love? I GUESS I could go on "Project Runway" or "Top Chef," where you don't have to be any particular size to participate, but I am too fat to otherwise participate on most love shows but too non "real" to get on the "real people" ones.

I guess I'm just going to have to be forced to find emotional satisfaction off-camera although I don't know what the point of that is.

(Hey meanwhile you can see me exercising my inner attention whore tonight at Quimby's, and also, I did this funny project called Significant Objects. Bid on it! I'll get some money. For the record my dad is still with my mom and he is bald like he has been for ages).

So I got married last year and despite some ridiculous claim that I was not going to use The Knot.com (a useful but sometimes annoying and occasionally addictive wedding website) I totally did. I used the crap out of it: etiquette questions, wedding website setup, to-do lists, all that jazz. The people at the Knot are somewhat devious, however: they have a system set up wherein they can see you through, website-wise, to your inevitable death. After you get married The Knot.com automatically sends you to The Nest.com, a website for newly-marrieds, and then, I bet you can see this coming, there is The Bump.com. I guess after that comes The Box.com, for all your funeral planning needs.

The Nest.com has its own magazine, which I know because I involuntarily receive it. This magazine absolutely drives me crazy, because it reminds me of all the annoying things about bridal culture today, except that it's moved on past the wedding and on to this smug state of upper-middle-class (and higher) heterosexual newlywed bliss that I can't stand. It seems like a quarter of the magazine is about other "Nesties" (yes, that's the cultish name they've given us) who have just gotten married, just gotten a house, just celebrated their anniversary. Excuse me, but I have friends already: they were the people who were at my wedding. Good for people who are living happy lives but I'm not interested in them just because they're in my demographic.

Also, the Nest encourages people, it seems, not to let go of your wedding day. I saw a 'recipe' for sticking a bottle of vodka in a watermelon which actually is a wonderful idea but for some reason the copy tied it into a wedding. "Sure, it may remind you of your wedding day, but you don't have to worry about color coordination!" the text sorta went. Wha? Why does a delicious summertime cocktail have any relevance to anyone's wedding? I hate to see what they'll have to say when they have a recipe for cake.

Another gripe I have is that half the magazine is about buying things. I know, welcome to the world of magazines (especially those geared towards women). But Nest, understand this: maybe you can sell adorable throw pillows, kitchen utensil organizers, party materials and outdoor accessories to people who have just gotten married and who still have that comfortable cushion of checks to rest upon, but we cannot afford all these cute things (and please don't forget, publishers, that a lot of us are also going to get catalogs from Crate & Barrel until the end of the world happens). I mean it was nice that there was a little piece in the last issue about finances, but it was about living on one salary. That must be one big-ass salary if you're going to pay the mortgage, paint the kitchen, accessorize the house, take a camping trip AND buy vodka.

Finally, this is not related to a larger issue of strategic catering to young people at various life stages, but the last issue had a fluff piece on the cuckoo-crazy scenario of "What happens if we ordered off the kids' menu for an entire week?" That just makes me mad as a writer, because that piece is dumb as can be, but I also know there is a writer out there who got paid to do that and I am jealous.

In theory a magazine for newlyweds is not a bad idea but only if it's one where it stops pretending like we're all in this exclusive totally fun club where we're all ("all"=happy rich straight marrieds) endlessly special and happy and shopping and eating macaroni and cheese and drinking watermelon vodka.

Or maybe I'm just mad because that ISN'T my life. I need a website called The Crab.com.

I covered the "So You Think You Can Dance" results show last night and also wrote about what music I associate with my first job. I'll be back with new Zulkey.com content on Friday!

PS If you are a woman 20-35 and you have been unfairly maligned online, please check this out and see if you can help me? Thanks!

And it left my brain totally empty so that's what you are left with. Here's my review of the episode of "So You Think You Can Dance." Check out it was really cool (or maybe I just love the sunglasses):

Do you know what I don't want? Children. Ever. They ruin everything: your clothes, your house, your life, the world. But I feel that by taking this extremely controversial stance, that children aren't for me, I face constant questions, unsolicited comments and harsh judgments about my decision. So let's start a childfree group. We can talk about how great it is not to have kids, talk smack about the people who do (they ALL talk ENDLESSLY about their children and NOTHING ELSE! ALL THE TIME!) That way we can all agree on this one thing and have a great time doing it all the time.

It's not that we hate kids, in fact we like them. A lot. You know, I'm starting to change my mind about this whole kid thing. Except that I feel, like, a lot of judgment from my childfree friends about deciding to have kids. They just look at me like "How can you give up your life for children?" and don't understand. They're just focused on so many material, selfish things and seem to think I'm checking out of the world. Maybe I'm just growing up and moving on and checking out of THEIR world: I don't care for the fact that by deciding to have children, I face constant questions, unsolicited comments and harsh judgments about my decision. So do you want to form a group? A formerly-childfree-flipflloppers group? We can talk about how great kids are and how dumb childfree people are.

So, are you guys breastfeeding? Oh, you are? How rewarding that must be for you and your baby. Me? No, we're not doing it. Why? For the same reasons that my mother didn't: it's gross. And also, I don't see how my husband and I are any less connected to our baby by feeding it a bottle than by breastfeeding. I can tell by the way you're opening your mouth to say something that you are about to take issue with my decision and I can tell you that I just don't need it. I don't need you or La Leche League telling me what to do with my body or my baby's body. Do you understand the constant questions, unsolicited comments and harsh judgments I receive about my decision? Leave me alone. I'm going to start a non-breastfeeding group, where we can all sit around and talk about how rewarding it is NOT to breastfeed and how all the women who do are just disgusting milk-dripping cows, and they don't lose weight from the breastfeeding, they lose weight from getting no sleep. Our group's logo can be one of those icky breastfeeding photos with a big NO sign over it.

Do you know what I don't want after all? Children. I was right the first time around. They ruin everything. I actually think I'm not going to start a group for Adults Who Give Up Their Preteens For Adoption because I can't deal with the constant questions, unsolicited comments and harsh judgments I would receive about my decision, but let me tell you, if I did start that group, it would be great, because finally I could have a circle of friends who really understood what my life was like and shared a common interest that is not typically understood by "mainstream" America. And also, there would be margaritas.

I've bookmarked this blog so I know where to find some commiseration in case I get any bad reviews on my book which I know will never happen since it is without a single flaw.

In case you weren't aware. In addition to the TV writing, I reviewed the audiobook of Steve Martin's Shopgirl, put in my two cents about what I'm taking from Michael Jackson's death, more fondly remembered Magic Middles cookies and Mandarin Orange Propel water, and talked about why Weird Al Yankovic makes me proud to be an American.

Also, I have a book coming out in just a few months. Have you pre-ordered it yet?

I wrote about "So You Think You Can Dance" last night. It was a good episode!

This is sorta Friday for a lot of people in the good old US of A so I'm putting up this week's interview today! Today I chat with a writer, comedian and producer living in New York City who currently writes and blogs for LateNightWithJimmyFallon.com. He is the creator/producer and host of the New York City cult hit show, The Rejection Show and many other popular live events. Jon's first book, "Rejected: Tales of the Failed Dumped & Canceled", a humor anthology of rejected works was released this year. His humor writings have been featured in McSweeney's, The Huffington Post, Pindeldyboz, Paper Magazine, and and many other places. As an actor Jon has appeared on Law and Order SVU (crossing the street). In addition to appearing on NPR many times, Jon's works have been featured in the LA Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Onion, and many others.

What's your average day like at your day job?
The job is still somewhat new (about 6 months) working for a brand new show (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon) so there's not really an average day yet, especially because we as a staff are putting on a brand new show every single day, so there are new surprises almost every day. We're all also getting used to each other as a new staff and working towards getting in to routines. It's a great group of people that work there. A typical day for the blog (what I primarily work on) consists of three bloggers posting 12 - 15 times per day balancing out pop culture, funny videos, news, pictures, clips/highlights from the previous night's show, sneak peeks for what's coming up and some behind the scenes footage and pictures.

Are you strictly a blogger for Fallon's show or have you been able to write bits that make it on-air?
My primary job here is as a blogger and when I am working for someone else (as opposed to my own projects where I am the "boss") I want to focus on delivering what they want in the best way possible, but I also occasionally contribute to the monologue, work with the segment producers in researching guests and help to brainstorm "activities" for Jimmy to do with guests (ie. activities like beer pong with Betty White) and I occasionally have popped up on the show here and there, usually is an extra or a tiny, tiny part in a sketch. It's a well-rounded job that I'm enjoying and for the most part, everyone is open to helping each other out and listening to each other's ideas.

For The Rejection Show what's the difference between a piece that's got humor/interest in its being rejected, and it just being rejected because it wasn't good enough?
Basically, the pieces (or segments) on The Rejection Show are really good, entertaining and funny and leave us wondering, "How could that have been rejected?" or is material that is so bad it's good presented by the writer/creator in a "what was I thinking?" sort of way. It's all of the material that is in between (not quite good enough and not quite bad enough) that is usually left off of the show.

I know that sometimes the show deals with personal, romantic rejection. Do you know whether the Rejection Show has brought two previously rejected people together?
I can't say for sure that the show itself is responsible for bringing two rejected people together in the long term, but people have told me many times that they have come to the show on a date and most often on a first date. It's a great activity to do on a first date because you're with a crowd of people and it's usually funny, fun, insightful, unique and live and can lead to discussion after the show. I also put on The Rejection Show Valentine's Day Heartbreak Haven every Valentine's Day which is designed for people who are single, feeling alone, rejected, don't have a date or don't like traditional Valentine's Day routines. I've seen people making out at it so I guess that's a perfect example of bringing previously rejected people together.

How do you reject people who apply to be in the show (or who applied to be in the book?)
If someone has put in a real effort to be on the show (coming to see the show first, mapping out their ideas, providing me with footage and examples, etc.) I usually will not reject them from being on the show. However, sometimes people do put in the full effort to be on the show and what they have still is not right for it. In that case I will work with the person directly to find creative ways to help shape their segment to be a better fit for the show. When I do have to reject people (from being on a show of rejected material) I explain to them that it is a monthly showcase with various specific slots to fill on each show (ie. film, literary, romance, animation, sketch comedy, etc.) and I may be getting too much of one specific category. For the most part, I do keep everyone in mind because I am always trying to expand my rejection projects, most recently with my first book Rejected Tales of the Failed Dumped and Canceled and very soon at rejectionshow.com where I will display people's rejected material on the web. The live version of The Rejection Show is not a reading series (it is sometimes listed that way) and I rarely allow people to come on the show and just stand there and read. However, because of the amount of rejected literary pieces I was getting it allowed me to put together the proposal for the book, so I like to think that when it comes to displaying rejected material, eventually it will all get "put on display" in some way, whether it be on the show, in a book (in future volumes of books), or on the web.

Has your exploration of rejection changed how you handle it yourself?
It absolutely has. Doing The Rejection Show has given me a creative outlet to display my own rejected material every month. I open each show with my own rejected material/stories that I encountered since the last show. Having an outlet like that makes taking risks and not worrying so much about failing or someone else telling you that you're not good enough that much easier. The Rejection Show is my safety net. My hopes for the project overall would be for The Rejection Show to be everyone's safety net. If you're rejected, you have a place to still go and share with others your own work that you are proud of or an outlet to share "where you went wrong" in a fun supportive environment. Don't get me wrong, I still hate being rejected, especially when it comes to the more personal/romance side of it but I've learned that approaching your work and life in a way that allows you to take more risks and not be afraid to fail is the key to finding acceptance.

What are your favorite readings/shows to attend, other than your own?
It's hard to say specifically which my favorites are because the scene changes so quickly (it wasn't like that when I started about 6 years ago), people come and go, venues come and go, new shows appear and disappear. This might sound a little obvious but I like shows that are done well where you can tell that the people behind them care about what they are doing and have taken the time to make sure they are putting together the best show possible. There are still a lot of those out there (and a lot that are not) with amazing talent here in NYC and most of them can be seen for $5 or less.

What's the last thing you were rejected from or had rejected?
I most often feel the sense of rejection when certain opportunities or jobs have passed by before I was even aware of them that I know I am fully capable of doing and doing well. Not having a chance to show what I can do is when I feel that sting of disappointment. I occasionally get asked to go on auditions, for smaller parts in a TV show or a commercial and I am no good in auditions. I am too aware of my surroundings and have trouble showing what I can do. But because of that, I know that I deserve to be rejected. That is something I need to work on. My most recent major rejection was when I was already hired for a job and was let go after the first day. I got hired to do the voice over work for a series of commercials for an entire show's run on VH1. The director of the commercials loved my voice and was the one who hired me but after my first day of recordings, the producers of the show heard my voice and said I sounded too nerdy and too young and I was let go. I thought it was going to be the start of my voice over career but so far it seems to have ended before it began.

Which were some of your personal favorite contributions to the Rejected book?
Again, it is so hard to choose a favorite. As the editor of the book I stand by each and every piece that is in there. They were all carefully specifically chosen for many different reasons. I also wanted to construct a book where people's favorites vary from person to person and where your own favorite can vary with multiple readings. For the most part, from the feedback I have received I have found that to be true. I even have a few favorites that were left out of the book but had to be left out for those same many varied reasons. I was thrilled to have David Wain send me rejected sketches from MTV's The State and to have Kevin McDonald from The Kids in the Hall recount a story of when the early incarnations of the popular sketch group bombed on stage. I was delighted to read about Tom McCaffrey's Pseudo Phone Sex call with a Comedy Central Executive, I loved reading Adrianne Frost's personal encounter and rejection from Kevin Spacey...see I could just keep going on listing everything in the book. I was most surprised by how many quality pieces I received from people I have never met. There are a handful of those in the book as well.

I'd like to learn more about the Delicious Sandwich Social. What was the best part of it? What would you do differently?
The best part of The Delicious Sandwich Social, (an event where people bring a full sandwich and trade one half of their sandwich for someone else's other half) has been the attention and enthusiasm it has received. It went as far as someone in Sydney Australia writing to me and asking my permission to do a Sydney Sandwich Social (I said yes) and a singer/songwriter sent me an .mp3 of a song she wrote inspired by The Delicious Sandwich Social. The past two years I've shared the event with the women from the popular cupcake blog Cupcakes Take the Cake. So not only do the people that come get a new half of a sandwich they also get to have a bunch of amazing cupcakes. I guess what I'd do differently is have more help in putting it all together to provide more entertainment and have the whole thing be more organized overall. This year I'd actually like to get a permit and have it take place in a park with actual picnic tables and maybe even some live music.

Do you have any future book projects in the works?
I do yes, but they are as of now unofficially in the works because I am still in the zone of focusing on drawing attention to Rejected: Tales of the Failed Dumped & Canceled. Of course I would love to do more volumes of Rejected. Having done this first one, I know now what it takes to actually put together a book like this (it is a lot of work!) but having done it once I know I can make future volumes even better (much like the progression of The Rejection Show). I already have a ton of material ready and waiting to go and writers, artists and comedians ready to send me more material. I would also like to do a book of my own humor writing, which there really isn't any of in Rejected and I have other unique book ideas that I am formulating that I don't want to reveal at this time. But please, stay tuned.

What's so great about Brooklyn? We people who are not from New York would like to know.
To me, Brooklyn is the best. I have a full-fledged love affair with Brooklyn. As someone who grew up in the suburbs and went to school and works in Manhattan, Brooklyn gives you the best of both of those worlds. It's not quite the major city that Manhattan is (but it is still a "city") and it's not quite the suburbs but has that neighborhood sort of feel that you can find in the suburbs while still having an energy to it. In Brooklyn we have accessible rooftops with great views of Manhattan and backyards and gardens and trees and air. We have full use of the subway and buses and can get in to Manhattan very quickly. It's nice to be in Manhattan but it's also nice to step outside of it when not working and be able to see the sky and hear leaves blowing on a tree. My favorite thing about Brooklyn has to be Prospect Park. While in there I feel like I can be almost anywhere. It's a beautiful place, a very therapeutic and valuable thing to have so close by.

Do you have any delightful stories from your time interning at Comedy Central?
I wouldn't say I have delightful stories from being an intern at Comedy Central but it was a great place to work. I loved interning for them and then working for them. It was always great and exciting to go there everyday at a much younger age. I credit my time interning there with sparking a major portion of the idea for launching The Rejection Show. A big part of my job was to go through all of the unsolicited material that Comedy Central received and send it back with a rejection letter. I had so much fun going through all of that material for so many reasons. It was fun to see what people thought would get on the air, some of it was so bad that it was enormously entertaining and some of it was really good but never had the chance to get in to the right hands. Overall, it was a great environment to be in, to see in a small slice, how things work.

What's the hardest part about being a producer?
Right now I'd say the hardest part (or most stressful part) is making sure people are aware of the shows I am putting on, while at the same time trying not to be too obnoxious in letting people know about them. There's a fine balance in doing the promotion of a show. After that I'd say the parts that stress me out the most are making sure everyone (the performers) are where they need to be and there when they need to be there (because I am also always, for the most part, hosting the shows that I produce) and what makes me pace around the most is making sure people stick to the amount of time that they are allotted for their segment. When that happens it is usually my fault, as the producer I need to make sure everything times out correctly, especially the way the venues are run today where they have one show stacked up on top of the other, as one show ends the next show is practically beginning making it somewhat stressful.

What have been some of your most fulfilling moments as a producer?
The continued support and turn out for The Rejection Show after doing it for nearly 6 years and the continued enthusiasm from the audiences that come out to see it as well as the performers that are on it. Often people take away more than just seeing a comedy show when they come see The Rejection Show, that combined with the show continuing to adapt and use rejected material in new ways has been extremely fulfilling. I've had people tell me that after seeing the show they dug up some of their old material that someone else told them wasn't good enough and gained a new confidence in it by seeing others displaying their turned down material. In some cases they polished and reworked what they had and went on to find acceptance. I can't ask for anything more fulfilling than that.

How does it feel to be the 238th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
It honestly does feel very cool to be included in an interview for Zulkey.com. I have admired you and your site from afar for some time now so I'm genuinely thrilled to have been asked to be a part of it.

I know you all are very upset with me right now, but if you just let me explain myself, I'm sure I'll bring you around to seeing my point of view. No way can my attempts to clarify this situation dig me deeper in this hole of my own making. I know you're all humans, and humans need love, and surely this thing we share in common will prove to you that I am not as bad as you think.

So, yes, I lied to everyone. But so what? Who hasn't pretended that they were hiking the Applachian trail when they were off having an affair in South America? Can you honestly claim you haven't? And who among you hasn't stolen a paper clip, made a personal call, left the office to have said tryst without telling a single soul?

After I was forced to face the "real world" (AKA my boner-killer of a wife), I knew I had to end this. To prove to myself that I was serious, my beloved and I had a farewell meeting in New York chaperoned by a spiritual adviser. Now I know you'll be with me here. Nothing ever can go wrong with "farewell meetings" with forbidden loves. You bid farewell, you shut the door and you go right back to your wife. Your cold, white, non-soul-mate wife. Farewell meetings are practically legally binding in terms of proving to yourself and the world that your affair is OVER. Plus, my spiritual adviser was there! What's his name? Uhh...err...I think there are confidentiality laws that protect me from having to reveal that. What religion was he? Christian. Or Christian-ish. What did he do while he was there? He bought us condoms, that's what.

Did I mention that my beloved Argentinian hottie is my soul mate? Come on, people, I know you eat that shit up. Soul mate! Come on! Why aren't you falling in love with me yet? Look how sensitive I am! I don't get why you aren't all hugging me. In the movies and in magazines, people love it when men believe in soul mates. And yet you're just staring at me in judgment. Maybe you're just jealous because you haven't experienced the kind of love I have.

Look, I know my wife is not my soul mate but I understand how the public feels, blah blah blah, so I will try to force myself to look at her and not dream of the person I really want to be with. I don't want to blow up 20 years that we've invested. I don't want to ruin my kids' lives (I mean I have, but I don't want to.) But if I'm completely honest, there are still feelings in the way. Come on, I know you understand. Don't you love how honest and human I am? Don't you think I should still be governor? Don't you think in 2012 someone with such emotional aptitude should even be a presidential prospect?

So anyway, yes, I am working on falling back in love with my wife. Reluctantly. I'm still in love with my Argentinian queen (the world loves a man in love, right?) It's hard! Come on, you all have done things you don't want to do before, like pay taxes and love your spouse. And my bitch wife isn't making it any easier. Forget about taking tango lessons with me: she won't even look at me. I keep telling her "You acting like this isn't going to make me fall back in love with you and out of love with you-know-who any faster" but for some reason that doesn't help.

If you want me to keep talking, I will. I admit there have been other women. They meant nothing to me. They meant less to me than my life and obviously less to me than my Argentinian lover. Look, I'm just getting it all out there because confession=forgiveness, right?

So, I think this was a good idea. Now that I've explained myself, I think we can move forward. Oh, and also, I hate children, I killed someone once and I'm gay.

Last night I wrote about a show called "Dance Your Ass Off." I think it's safe to say I am now a dance expert.

A few weeks ago we watched "Blood Simple," a movie Steve said is amazing. We had to get up early the next morning for a 5K so I asked (since we'd be finishing it right before bedtime) if there was any disturbing material in the movie that would give me bad dreams and he answered, definitively, no. Well, I don't want to spoil the movie for you but let me just say that not only was there disturbing material in the movie, like three of the scariest kinds of disturbing material were in it. I was mad at him for "forgetting" about all of this. Here are equivalent movies that he could have forgotten about any gory/upsetting material from:

"JAWS"

"The Exorcist"

"Kill Bill"

"Dead Alive"

Any of the "Saw" movies

"Sin City"

The scene in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" where he's in the truck with Large Marge

"Ol' Yeller"

Hey y'all! You won't believe it but I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and it's wrecked. Well, actually, this is different from the other times I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, because this time I flushed it. I was sick of my iPhone and I wanted another.

I'm too lazy to track down your numbers myself though so can you please email me your cell phone number, address, birthday, clothing and shoe size and what types of food you don't like?

I'm not sure which of the people in my email list I actually want to have in my phone and which I don't really, so it's possible that I won't actually want your number in my phone. Don't be mad at me if, next time I see you, you ask to see my cool new phone (I wouldn't blame you) and you don't find your number in there, although I doubt you'd even be able to figure out how the address book works since it's that rad and complicated.

While I have you on this email, I'd like to announce that I'm having a 4th of July barbecue, and since I can't remember the password to my Evite account, I'm letting you all know here. Again, though, I don't have time to go through this entire address book and sort out who I really want to come from who I don't, but if you've made the transition from the old, bad cell phone into the new, good cell phone then you're on the list. Just please send me your contact information and then day of the party, follow-up with me to see if you're invited to the party. If you are, can you please bring one of the following: beer, wine, pig, knives, barbecue, plates, watermelon, cupcakes, sparklers, iPod stereo dock? Don't worry about the tunes: I can play those from my new iPhone (I don't mean to brag).

Finally, I am changing my email address as of today. From now on my address will be exactly the same except instead of claire.zulkey@gmail.com it will actually be clairedotzulkeyat@gmail.com. Isn't that clever? Please, though, if you have gmail, do not add me to your chat buddy list unless you ask me first. You'll have two hours to request after this email is sent and then I will disable my old email address. Any unsolicited invitations to chat will be REJECTED and you will definitely NOT be in my new iPhone and you will not be invited to the party, or at the very least you can come but you cannot eat or drink anything.

Whew! Sorry for the mass email!

Links to things I have written: on "So You Think You Can Dance" and the TV performance that changed my life.

Today I chat with the members of Kasper Hauser, a San Francisco-based comedy group consisting of Dan Klein, James Reichmuth, John Reichmuth, and Rob Baedeker. They perform and produce live shows, digital content, and books, which have included the hilarious SkyMaul, Weddings of the Times and Obama's Blackberry. The group's members have written for HBO digital and appeared on "All Things Considered, Comedy Central and "This American Life."

Do you recall which other names you came close to choosing for the group other than Kasper Hauser?
Here were some finalists:

Donkey Down!
Whither Go Bilbo
Gandalf Hitler
Wineskin
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Donkey
The African Bee Killers
Mostly Hobbits

We think the observant reader will see a theme.

Who are some of your other favorite feral children?
Overwhelmingly, we like the Karpfen Bear Girl, but we'd be lying if we said there weren't some fans of Clemens the Overdyke pig-child in the group.

Our least favorite? The Home Depot Gonad Slapper.

Do you have a schedule or routine for writing as a group?
We have a little office in San Francisco. It's a comedy office, so everything in there is funny: funny chairs, funny lightbulbs, clown shoes. We meet several times a week to open checks and fan mail and show each other our new cars. Before the success? 3-4 times a week for 3-4 hours. More if we had a book due or show coming up. For the books, we submit individual entries anonymously and then vote on them. We take the highest vote-getting pieces/scripts, then sit around a circular table and project the words from our computer screen on a wall and have comedy arguments that usually end in pillow fights.

Who are some other contemporary comedy groups whose work you enjoy?
To optimize pretentiousness, we will divide our list into UK and US comedy groups/shows:

From the UK: Count Arthur Strong (Steve Delaney), Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper (of "Look Around You"); Smack the Pony, Big Train, Mighty Boosh, anything with Chris Morris or Steve Coogan (Brasseye and Alan Partridge especially). James and John were always huge "Young Ones" fans.

In the US: The Third Floor (Portland), Meat, TROOP, Derrick, Hard 'n Phirm, The State, Tim and Eric.

What are some topics you've considered parodying either in print or performance but you couldn't quite carry off?
We've talked about parodying an entire grocery store: every item and all the packaging and copy on it would be parody. Even the food inside would be a joke.

Can you tell me a secret about Jesse Thorn, preferably scurrilous?
I guess you'd have to ask one of his ex-wives, or maybe one of the guys from that Butoh-Porn group he started in the 70's.

What's something that made you laugh lately?
James: The elevator shots of Galifianakis at the end of The Hangover.

Rob: A video of a monkey taking a bubble bath [ed: I cannot guarantee that that is the particular video: that is just a video I found of a monkey taking a bubble bath.]

John: The funniest thing I have seen in a long time was our amazing improviser friend Gerri Lawlor doing a strip show as a whacked-out stripper named Putay. At one, point, she puts on dish gloves and asks in a thick accent: "who wants a sloppy joe??!?"

Dan: My 8-year-old son doing an imitation of James.

Of all the books you've put together, which have been some of the biggest challenges, either conceptually or technically?
Each book has posed a unique set of challenges.

SkyMaul was a complete bitch to design (for our designer-friend Vince), but we had artistic license to include just about anything we wanted.

With Weddings of the Times, we had to find living, breathing people who would legally consent to being in a book in which they would be mercilessly made fun of. We also had to keep up the variety in a book that is page after page of the same format. That's one reason whey we included the color insert section, which are really parodies of magazine-style features and ads.

Obama's Blackberry was written under extreme time pressure (one month?!), we also had to find our footing with a president who's comic persona is still inchoate and to stay away from hack premises like "Joe Biden is very long-winded."

How do you decide to perform your humor that's written, like SkyMaul or Weddings of the Times?
We actually started reading fake wedding announcements during shows, between sketches, years before pitching the concept as a book. In the case of SkyMaul, we found that it lent itself well to a narrative premise (that the CEO was stepping down and looking for a replacement). In all three books, we've been pleasantly surprised at how well the material from the books has done in front of live audiences, because it wasn't originally written for the stage.

Have you ever heard from representatives of the publications/shows you've parodied?
Yes. An executive from SkyMaul told a reporter that she thought the book was funny (But really, did she have a choice? Once they're confronted, they kind of have to play good sports). On the other hand, to contradict what we just said, Joe Biden's spokesman lectured us (via the Wall Street Journal) on what constitutes good parody.

Which of your books took the longest to write/put together?
SkyMaul probably took the longest to write and design, but Weddings was the longest process since it was timed for release during wedding season (so we were sitting around with a near-finished manuscript almost one year before the pub date, just eating Luna women's energy bars and looking at our watches/calendar). Obama's Blackberry was really quick: we wrote the book in about four weeks.

The following are questions for each one of you basted on a snippet, possibly outdated, of information that I received about your dayjobs. Dan, what are the best lessons for teaching comedy?
My best lesson for comedy is, "Don't try to be funny. Just do something. But if people laugh, do it again. And then stop doing it before they stop laughing."

Rob, what have been some of your favorite freelance assignments?
I was once sent to a luxury spa in Santa Barbara to try to pick up on single women on Valentine's Day. I failed at this assignment, and instead filed the story about how the resort filled me with existential dread.

Followup: are you related to the Baedeker field guide people?
The Baedeker travel guides? Yes, in a far-removed way. Unfortunately not in an "inheritance" kind of way.

James, are you ethically allowed to plumb your experiences as a psychiatrist for comedy?
My job profoundly affects what I bring to my comedy. But it's not an ethical issue: I would never incorporate specific scenarios, information or characters from my work life into the writing. But frankly, ethics is the easy part. It may not be unethical for a psychiatrist to wear a chipmunk costume onstage, but for his client sitting in the audience, I imagine it could be pretty interesting.

John, what's your favorite court-related TV show or movie?
I like to watch "The Wire" with a handgun in my lap. Nothing comes close.  But it's not really a court show.  I have watched "To Catch a Predator," just because I like to see inside the McMansions where they have the lemonade.

As a group, how would you handle it if, like with Lonely Island, Saturday Night Live offered you the chance to work with them but only part of you were allowed to appear on the show?
I would be OK with that if it were me. Otherwise, I'd be against it. *

*All four of us answered this way.

I read a quote from you that said sometimes when you write as a group you can get a little too far out there: what are some examples of stuff you've put onstage that fit this description?
Looking through the old notebook for possible names for the group, we found the lyrics to an a capella bluegrass song we did called "Peanut Butter's Poison" (with the chorus "Poison from the grave!"). Would that be a good example?

How does it feel to be the 234th (and 235th, 236th and 237th) person/s interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Mix of happy and sad. But depending on how you alphabetize us we may at least land on top of John Hodgman. So that's to look forward to.

I pity the majority of you, because I bet most of you didn't have the kind of morning I did. I knew it was going to be special because my dog dribbled electric orange puke through the dining room (what made it special was that he didn't do it on the carpet).

My husband I got in the car, ready to face the big moment: we were going to hit 10,000 miles on our leased VW Sportwagen. I know, it's the kind of thing you only dream about, right?

We got gas, we headed on Lake Shore Drive. 99997...99998...99999....we decided to hold hands so we could really experience this together. 99999...Steve put his hand on the gearshift because he got tired. 99999....it was stop and go traffic, so it was getting a little excruciating. 99999....Steve put his/my hand down on his leg. 99999...an accident literally happened just outside my window but I couldn't look in case I missed this amazing changing of the guard. 99999....we started to wonder if maybe there was something broken with the odometer. 99999....I started pointing my finger at the odometer and going "Pew! pew! pew!" to see if maybe an imaginary bullet would make it turn over. I got tired of that. 99999....and finally! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 10,000 miles! Yes!!! We cheered and Steve kissed my hand and then we continued in stop and go traffic. He marveled that we were two thousand or so miles under what our lease dictated and maybe we should take a little road trip this weekend, if we have time, maybe.

Then we reached my office and I got out of the car and got my dry cleaning.

Part of me feels I should just go back home and go to bed because the day is only going to be a letdown from here on out.

Also I wrote about So You Think You Can Dance last night.

"You so 2000-and-skate" (translation: in addition to being awkwardly out of style, your car is broken hence your transportation consists of a skateboard or rollerskates, AND/OR you cannot afford to eat red meat so instead you feast upon a cartilaginous fish belonging to the family Rajidae in the superorder Batoidea of rays)

"You so 2000 and Kate" (translation: in addition to being hopelessly behind the times, you have a stupid haircut, too many children and your husband doesn't want to be with you anymore, possibly due to your famewhoring ways)

"You so 20000 and Slate" (translation: in addition to falling out of touch, you are killing newspapers).

"You so 2000 and grate" (translation: in addition to being out of fashion, your cheese comes in a block and you must waste valuable time and energy if you want it in delicious melty sprinkle form.)

"You so 2000 and Crate" (translation: you're behind the times, and you shop at Crate and Barrel because you are too lazy and unoriginal to find unique housewares at small independent boutiques and antique shops).

"You so 2000 and lait" (translation: you are irrelevant, and your coffee has milk in it, because you are not hardcore enough to drink it black)

Last night I went to a very tasty restaurant and to me the fine cap to the evening was using the ladies room and passing this painting in the hallway:

It brought me a lot of pleasure so I wanted to see if other paintings of Rottweilers did the same. I think the answer is clear:

Theme: Taking too long to read the newspaper

Consequences: Spiteful recycling (by her)

Theme: Not cleaning up cat urine in a timely manner

Theme: Not using gym membership frequently enough

Consequences: Passive-aggressive reminders (from her)

Consequences: Constant bitching (from her)

Theme: Neverending bitchiness

Consequences: Retaliatory bitchiness (from him)

Theme: Reading for too long before bed.

Consequences: Complaining followed by protest-sleep (by him)

Theme: Complaining too much about doing laundry.

Consequences: Non-purposefully guilt-inducing laundry assistance (by her)

Theme: Not closing the pantry door all the way

Consequences: Murder (by him)

Theme: Wanting ice cream

Consequences: ice cream

(Interviews forthcoming, as always).

I'm a little late coming to this but of course the scandale rocking the blogosphere lately is that of Beccah Beushausen, who started a blog, saying that she was giving birth to a child diagnosed as terminally ill in the womb. Lots of people, including anti-abortion activists, followed her avidly and even sent her donations.

This was all made up, however, and when she took a picture of herself and her "dead baby" that she "gave birth" to, people figured it out and she was exposed and people got mad.

What I don't understand is why Beccah decided to kill off her baby so soon. Was she really desperate for immediate attention and sympathy? Or was she just already sick of her fake baby? Because if she were smart, she could have dragged this fake kids' life out for a much longer time and made way more money off it and probably gotten a better book deal out of it down the line.

I'm not even going to touch the issue that this fake baby would have been born with special needs, although that is neatly how she had it set up, which would have been money in her moneybank. If she had just avoided posing with a dumb baby doll, she could have given birth to this baby and then blogged about all the difficulties of being a single Christian young mother raising her baby, and I'm sure the sympathy (and cashola) would have rolled in. And why stop there? I bet people would have offered donations for baby April's vaccinations, her preschool, her clothes (which Beccah could have just sold maybe to a resale shop), her books, her haircuts, her grade school, her school uniforms, and so on. You see where I'm going with this? Wouldn't you have loved to hear the story of baby April growing up into a surly teenager, learning how to drive, making her poor mother go insane with her insolence? I think it would be hilarious to blog about a fake kid's volleyball match and parent-teacher conferences and so on. I'm mad at Beccah for screwing up what could have been a much more lucrative and truly awful/wonderful hoax so early on. If she had just stuck with it she could have seen baby April straight through to college and maybe her own wedding.

I am a bad person and am not really that invested in the lives of strangers' babies (unless they are in an impoverished country where the parents would sooner eat a laptop than use it to write a blog about their baby) so I personally was more angry at Beccah for aborting (no pun intended) her Internet hoax so early than for any fakery. At the very least she could have tried to fight back and say how dare you say my dead baby looks like a doll you horrible monster and then rake in the sympathy points.

Ladies, if you're going to give birth to a fake baby online, do the right thing and see that baby off to college. Don't end its life and then when faced with the consequences remove your blog and Facebook and Twitter pages. That's the coward's way out.

I have had it with you, do you hear me? There are so many annoying things going on in the world right now: the recession, Iran, the fact that it rains all the time and summer is apparently canceled. I do not feel like freaking out about World War III. Why are you being such a dickhead? I'm sick of you.

Let's be honest. You don't want to mess with us. It is an extremely bad idea. We are kind of touchy about Hawaii being attacked.

But moreover, what is your problem? Quit being a jerk. Are you jealous that we like South Korea more? Here's a clue: they're much cooler than you.

So please do not fire a missile at us. Please just chill out and use your energy to do something nice, like make a cute energy-efficient car, or something. We just don't need this shit right now. Thank you.

I wrote about "So You think You Can Dance" last night, by the way.

I thought these excerpts from Sedona Vortex Experiences that I found online are really inspirational and great at making you feel present (which you can only seem to do if you pay someone to help you do so). If you want to set up an appointment with the shaman who runs these vortex experiences, he is offering a 10% "Obama discount" (really) and you can go here http://www.sedona-spiritual-vacations.com/ to set it up. However I can lead you around my neighborhood and give you exactly the same experience for half as much money. However, just to warn you ahead of time, if I'm really trying to recreate the Sedona Vortex Experience, you can expect to be invited into another world, join forces with your animal totem, be invited by an "old Grandmother tree" to lay on one of its healing branches, be whispered to by some stones after you whistle a Native American tune (which I assume you know), and ask a tree permission to open a special vortex. I mean, Vortex. Also you may have a complimentary can of Fresca at the end.

Here are some of the experiences the shaman relays on his blog, though, which I can't guarantee on the Zulkey Vortex Experience:

There is a magical trail that winds through the Vortex Circles and near the first powerful circle you will find a beautiful green bush that stands seven feet high and six feet wide. I have become friends with this bush and every time I guide clients to this special place, I stop and give the bush a big hug and talk with it. I love this friendly bush--he represents openness to me. I always feel welcomed by his spirit. It's a male bush. How do I know this? It's what I do for a living! Trust me! Each time the bush says the same thing to me: "I'm very green!" When I hear him speak this phrase, a gentle warmth flows me. I feel myself smiling deep in my soul.

The Rock People are strong and solid. They have much wisdom they want to offer you if you are open to listening

When I saw that scene of the Red Rocks in Forrest Gump, I heard myself whispering, "That's my place, my place."

I had the pleasure to guide a very gifted chiropractor to The Vortex Circles, a new sedona vortex I discovered. As we crossed over a flat red rock plateau, something inside me said--"turn around!" I looked behind me and fifty feet in front of me I saw the air go hazy and vertical slit appear. Suddenly, an elephant walked out of the slit! I have seen many animal totems appear but never quite this way--it was if I saw the elephant come thru the veil between the worlds. I knew this was important event for my client and told him so.

We were walking down a narrow trail and suddenly I saw coming towards us a little race car driven by a little forest creature! Then another one right behind it! I trust my clairvoyance but this was really far out! So I relaxed and looked again--another race car and driver came barreling down the path, the driver whooping and hollering! These forest creatures looked like a cross between the Ewoks from Star Wars and Mag-wy, the good Gremlin. Still doubting this, I checked in with my guides and asked if I was seeing what I was seeing. They nodded, chuckling.

Cheap joke to finish off this cheap post--the fella who runs this site finishes off all his columns with the phrase "A Ho," which I think is what he spends all the monies from these tours on. Thank you, you're too kind! I'll be here all night.

In the meantime...what are you (or your friends in Chicago) doing on Tuesday?

(If that writing is too tiny for you, check out the details more in full here).

3 things I wrote: About "So You Think You Can Dance," the fantasy world I'd like to live in, and a little baby quote in the Chicago Tribune.

Today I chat with a guy who writes prolifically on topics in the area of money culture, consumption and advertising. He's the man behind the Consumed column in the New York Times Magazine, writes the Murketing blog, is the author of the book Buying In and works on many other projects including Unconsumption and keeping up his own site which lists even more things he's worked on.

Who are some of your favorite contemporary writers?
First, I would say all contributors to The New York Times Magazine. Second, all contributors to the soon-to-be-launched Significant Objects project.

Beyond that it's very hard to get specific because I am such a thorough fanboy of so many contemporary writers. I guess I can say that the most recent contemporary-ish novel I've read is The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. I know I am a few years late, but it was astonishing. I realize I am not taking a radical stance by expressing admiration of Cormac McCarthy, but a thorough rundown of contemporary writers I look up to would run to several thousand words.

Do you get a lot of free stuff sent to you for Consumed? What are some of the more unusual items you've received if so? What do you do with it?
Actually, I do not.

The Times has very strict (and smart) rules about keeping/accepting anything that could be construed as a "gift." So I actively discourage people from sending me stuff. If I need to see/handle something (Flip video camera, Chumby, etc.), I prefer to request it, and then return it. (Or in the case of something like Cheetos Giant, I'll just go buy a bag.) One thing I did keep -- because its value was low enough under TImes rules and it would have been absurd to return -- was some Brawndo samples. They sent two cans; I drank one, and the other is my fridge.

People do contact me a lot and *offer* an amazing amount of stuff, electronics, sneakers, whatever. I just politely decline. Although I am very explicit about this "don't send me stuff" policy, there are companies that still seem to think I'm sort of a Consumer Reports type who tests things, or that I'm like the cool-new-shit blogs (those are the people you should ask about free stuff -- some of those folks get tons of it), and often they will send products to my attention at The Times. For the most part I never even know about it. Every so often somebody figures out where I live and sends something to my house. This is a pain in the ass, because it means I have to take it to Goodwill, or mail it back.

One peculiar thing that made its way to my home was a sort of "gift basket" from a conglomerate. A variety of products were placed in an Easter basket, which was wrapped in cellophane. It was a a really weird mix of stuff -- snack foods, paper towels, condoms. I don't know what they were trying to communicate, but the feeling any reasonable person would get from it was: "Wow, these people own everything. How creepy."

Oh, and another amusing thing I got once was a cookie from Ecko (the clothing brand), with their rhino logo rendered in icing. I ate it.

I saw you mention the 3/50 project on your blog: which businesses would you spend your $150 on?
I try not to say anything that sounds like an endorsement but I suppose these three:
Back In The Day Bakery
Le Chai
Maldoror's Frame Shop (this one is really more relevant to E, my wife, but I do like the owners)

We probably spend $50/month at each of them anyway.

What blogs do you read every day?
All of them.

What's your favorite thing that you've bought lately (that's not an everyday necessity?)
The new Booker T album. (Or really, the MP3 version off Amazon.) If that doesn't count as a "thing" then I guess I would say noise-canceling headphones that I bought last year. I know that's not "lately," but I have a hard time rendering judgment on a purchase before at least six months have elapsed. For example we bought a new coffee maker a couple months ago, and loved it for a few weeks, until we realized all its flaws, and now I hate think it sucks, but we're stuck with it. But the headphones I love as much today as the first time I used them. Mostly I use them on airplanes; they are top notch.

Also I bought some Timberland shoes I really like, around six or nine months ago, but it looks they've been discontinued since I bought them. This is why I'm not a coolhunter and why the column is not based on my personal taste -- much of what I like is immediately shut down. That's been true ever since I got addicted to Welch's Orange drink as a kid.

Do you think there's a line between being conscious about the things we consume and overanalyzing it?
Of course. And I'm probably on the overanalyze side. But really most people, most of the time, buy fairly mindlessly. The think about maybe one purchase in twenty. The rest of the time they're on auto pilot. Not everybody, but most people.

I think most people would be happier in their consuming lives if they put a bit more thought into it. In the end, you're more likely to spend your money in ways that satisfy if you take the time to think about what matters and why, etc. etc.

You're a very prolific guy: do you have a writing schedule?
I have a slight bias for writing in the early part of the day. But I don't have a hard-and-fast schedule. Except that I work every day. It's pathetic.

What are some (not-breaking news) topics you're most tired of hearing about in the news? I'm thinking, on my end, anything Twitter-related for the moment.
What's Twitter?

Just kidding. That's a good example. In the mainstream press, I'm tired of the general vibe that anything related to the Internet is still somehow a novelty. As in: "Whoah, this dude got a book deal (or similar) based on his Web site (or his Twitter account, or his Youtube video or whatever)!! Can you believe it?" Or, "Some guy took this picture with his cameraphone! Can you believe it??" Of course we can believe it. It's happened a zillion times, the Internet is normal, mobile technology is normal, everyone is used to it, everybody gets it, and nobody is surprised anymore. I'm not saying don't cover these things, but stop acting like it's all some crazy new freak show.

Meanwhile, in the Web world, I've pretty much heard/seen enough about steampunk. And I don't need to see any more pictures of unlikely things made of Legos.

I feel like I should also be tired of Octomom. But I love the word "Octomom."

What are some of your favorite SNL fake commercials?
The best one is from the first season -- an ad spoofing twin-blade razors. It was for a fake three-blade razor, explained with the tagline, "Because you'll believe anything." And as you know, that turned out to be true. I believe we're currently at five-blade razors. That's almost twice as good as three.

I also loved Bad Idea Jeans. And Levi's Three-Legged Jeans. And probably some other ones that didn't involve jeans.

What are some of your favorite real ads?
Um. Anything with a puppy. I actually can't think of anything right now. I thought that Padma whatsername ad for the fast food place, where she makes out with a huge sloppy hamburger, that was pretty amazing. And those "sponsored by" videos on PBS where Chevron explains how it's saving the planet, those are always funny.

For Buying In, what were some of your most invaluable resources? It seems like it can be a slippery topic to pin down with certainty.
I tried, in Buying In, to draw on a variety of resources -- history, experts, psychological studies, etc. But I think the most important stuff was the actual reporting -- meaning that I went places, I showed up, I talked to actual human beings. Just people, people who don't have publicists -- or even blogs or Twitter accounts. (That's right, such people still exist!) I listened to what they said. I did my best to weave all of that together.

BUT, having said all that, I also tried not to project the idea of "certainty." I tried to offer enough of a structure for the reader to come to his or her own conclusions. The book is meant to be more of an informed framework for coming to your own answers, as opposed to a set of rules.

How does it feel to be the 233rd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I'm truly honored that you could only think of 232 other people worth interviewing before my name came up.

Hey, I wrote about "So You Think You Can Dance" last night. You should watch this show.

The small trend I'm noticing lately is people who think they're teaching animals a lesson but in fact are doing no such thing.

First, the big story in the local dog community was that a woman here thought her puppy was stolen from a dog beach but it was recently given back to her and it's assumed now that she just lost it, and in fact it wasn't stolen. I'm glad the story has a happy ending but this part makes no sense to me: "In the meantime [the owner] says she plans to ground Che for a week and not let him out of her sight. But she also said she would buy him a toy and some peanut butter, his favorite treat. "

Well, first of all, technically the owner should be grounded since she lost the dog. But a puppy wouldn't learn a lesson of any kind if you keep it at home and give it lots of love and attention and peanut butter and toys. Frankly I wouldn't mind staying at home getting lots of love and attention and peanut butter and toys.

Second, so my in-laws now have 11 cats WHICH I AM NOT JUDGING IN ANY WAY. But in addition to these 11 cats they also regularly feed and pay attention to various outdoor cats. I kind of think that these outdoor cats are also basically their cats, since they have named the cats and feed them regularly and so on. But since the indoor cat total has now reached the double-digits, my mom-in-law has decided to bring the hammer down, like, for real. As she noted in an email, "We cannot take in any more, so will have to use tough love on the outside cats--leaving them to the outside world, but feed them as they show up. "

Here again is where I don't think the animal is going to get the picture. An outdoor cat is not going to think "Hmm. ALL these people are doing is feeding me when I show up, regularly and reliably. Yet...I sense a growing distance. Is it possible that while sustaining me on a regular basis, these people aren't giving me all the love and devotion that I, a cat, require? This is so embarrassing. I think I'll just save my dignity and go find food somewhere else so I don't look desperate."

These people should just quietly give up, like my parents. Why try to train your animal not to sleep on the couch when you can just put a sheet on the couch forever and be done with it?

Here are some reasons why I suspect this is so:

It makes him feel like more of a man. Basically, the majority of women on this show boss their men around like little children and they take it, often pretending like it's a joke and they're just letting their fiancees pretend like they're in charge. But watching the show he knows that he's never had to take some harpy demand that he take etiquette lessons, make embark on a pointless crash diet the day before the wedding, scream at him about how his family is stupid, or yell at him about how he drives. Well, sometimes I yell at him about how he drives but he has the balls to yell back at me.

It makes him feel like he picked a nice wife. See above. Also, I never scream his name in his face. "STEVE! I want you to do this...NOW." I've also never demanded that my friends gain/lose weight, told him that he'll never see his friends again, or ever said "They can wait for me."

It makes him feel like he has a hot wife. There is no non-superficial-sounding way to put this but I think he is happy that I am not morbidly obese with big hair and long acrylic nails.

It makes him feel like he has a nice house. For some reason most of the people on this show, probably because they spent all their money on their wedding, live in these flimsy-looking houses with fluorescent lights and cheap furniture and lame art on the wall. The only thing Steve loves more than "Bridezillas" is HGTV so he feels like we've got it going on, in comparison, in the home decor and real estate department compared to these people.

He's a hopeless romantic. Who likes sarcastic voice-over work.

Yesterday I was at a very lovely bridal shower and the unthinkable happened: it was infiltrated by men. No, not the groom, not that obligatory aw-shucks moment where he comes in and a bunch of slap-happy drunk overestrogened women scream "AAAAWWW" when he walks in. You know, and then he sits hunched over and eats a piece of cake after saying hi to all the women whose names he won't remember and they pepper him with questions that make no sense to him since they're based 99% on inside jokes that occurred during the shower and then red-faced he takes all the presents to the car and thinks "Man, am I glad that's over."

No, these were different, non-groom guys who got the cake but not so much the humiliation, but moreover, they saw what goes on at a bridal shower, which no man is meant to see. They saw the opening and passing of gifts. They saw an extended discussion on self-adhesive wrapping paper, the life expectancy of the Lily of the Valley, the mutual admiration of accessories. The making and re-making of coffee, the praising of the hostess, the helping of the dishwashing. The scoring of cocaine, the placing of bets, the dogfighting. The human fighting. The punching, the bleeding, the crying. The wiping up of the blood, the apologies. The request of colorist's names. The polite refusal. The re-ignition of tempers. The fire. The showing off of the wedding and bridesmaids gowns and the scorn, oh, the scorn.

"How do you like your first bridal shower?" we asked the somewhat bewildered, but now, stuffed with bacon and cake and horrible memories menfolk, and not knowing what to do with themselves, they said "Fine!" and then went home and thought "Man, am I glad that's over."

The natural order of things, ladies. There is a reason for it. Men at bridal showers might be cute but some secrets are not meant to be shared. Next thing you know they're going to find out we don't actually menstruate but just made up an excuse to be a carte blanche bitch once a month.

I've said too much.

First, if you want to read what song makes me think of summer, go here. And if you want to read my "So You Think You Can Dance" writeup, which I THOUGHT I was a fan of but a commenter suggests otherwise, go here.

Today I'm chatting with the co-host of one of my favorite TV shows, "Whatever, Martha!" It's like "Mystery Science Theater 3000" for girls (and boys too). Basically, Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis and her friend Jennifer sit around and make fun of clips from Martha Stewart's show, occasionally trying her projects out themselves, occasionally just sitting around and talking smack. It just works--my husband digs it, my mom digs it and I can't wait for new episodes to come back to the Fine Living Network (which you probably have, if you have cable, and didn't realize) in September. The two also host "Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer" on the Sirius satellite network. I am sad that I couldn't find more clips of the show to link to so I could show you which segments Jennifer discusses, but alas, they're not all online. Here's one though.

What type of "Martha Stewart" segments seem to yield the ripest material for you two to riff on?
There is plenty to be found in every episode! But I like how some of the simplest tasks Martha does can seem unbelievably complicated. And I always enjoy watching Martha with a young man.

What have been your favorite episodes of the TV show so far?
I loved the lizard feeding episode. Martha was sure to julienne the vegetables so as to please the eye of the lizard!

What TV shows do you watch?
I watch "American Idol," "30 Rock" and "Saturday Night Live".

What's something you share in common with Martha?
I like to learn, and I am fascinated by people.

The lead-ins to each segment make me laugh sometimes--how scripted are they?
They are not scripted! And that's why they make you laugh. It was so silly. We would be about to start shooting and the producer would say., "OK... you are going to watch doggie dishes." And I'd look at Alexis and ask what she thought that meant. Or we'd be given a title like "Yo yo quilt." and I immediately thought of "yo" like a hip hop artist and/or a toy yo yo. and then we just said whatever came to mind. Nothing on the show was scripted.

Have you ever heard back from non-Martha guests you've discussed on the show? IE have the felt-hat or corn-jewelry people rung you up and yelled at you for making fun of them?
No one has yelled at us yet, but give them time!

Is there anything Martha-related that you've decided (or was decided for you) is best not to discuss on the TV show?
No. We said everything and left any issues up to the editors.

I am fascinated by the snacks that are put out each episode. Who decides what gets put out there, and does anybody ever eat them? I saw Alexis eat sardines once and Jennifer, you ate some nuts but otherwise they are untouched.
The set/props designer decided the snacks and put them out. We didn't choose nor request, and frankly the idea of eating on camera was not appealing- especially when it was chips. I may have a fat ass, but i didn't need anyone watching me add to its size by eating breadsticks!

How do you decide what to talk about in the final segment of each episode?
We tried to come up with topics we'd talk about on the radio- since we are most comfortable doing that. Sometimes we went off a list of ideas we had and other times it was just whatever was on our minds that day while shooting.

For those who haven't seen the episode where you discuss it, can you please talk briefly about your sweet sixteen party?
My parents surprised me by hiring Run DMC and the Beastie Boys. I had written my sweet sixteen invitation (which was a rap song sent out on a cassette tape - it was 1986!) to the tune of "You Talk too Much" by Run DMC, so my parents hired them to perform. It was wild really.

Who would you rather have on "Whatever, Martha!"? Conan O'Brien or Zach Braff and why?
Hmmmm... I like them both but I think Zach Braff would be more fun. I'd worry about Conan being too stiff.

What's the tastiest thing you've eaten lately?
I had a great sushi roll made with crabstick and spicy tuna and eel sauce and some crunchy on it. It was a week ago and I'm still thinking of it.


Do you listen to other shows on Sirius?
I listen to the Blend and CNN.


Are you working on projects other than "Whatever, Martha!" and the radio show?
We are always working on various projects! Something's gotta stick.

What are you currently reading?
Like many 15 year old girls, I am knee deep in book two of the Twilight series.

How does it feel to be the 232nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Sensational!

I wrote about "So You Think You Can Dance" last night. Tomorrow I come back with an interview with someone from one of my favorite TV shows. And Monday I defend Kathy Griffin's show to the vicious AV Club readers.

In the meantime, check out this totally awesome picture of my dog.

Last night I went to the Midwest Independent Film Festival to support my husband. Other than his work, one of my favorites of the night was this one, which was just too silly not to share:

Got this spam IM today:

[10:45] geneb69271@hotmail.com: hey, if you're not a homosexual i'd suggest checking me out! im hot!!

I'd love to be gay just so I could check Gene out and ruin his stupid robot day.

I am waiting for a few interviews to come in but meanwhile I've been writing about So You Think You Can Dance, unheralded sidemen (specifically Elvis Costello's sidekick), the book Cheever and one of my favorite local commercials. Wow, that's a lot, I just realized. TGIMFF. If you can guess what that means, you feel the same way I do.

"A University of Chicago student organization, which calls itself Men in Power and promises to help men get ahead, faces controversy and critics who charge that its premise is misogynistic." (photo: Phil Velasquez / Tribune)

What is that girl doing? This poor guy doesn't know, because today's society has set him up to be a patsy to girls like her. Look at her, sitting there, eating her sandwich, a sandwich he probably deserved but she received due to affirmative action. Reading that book. What is SHE doing reading a BOOK? What teacher taught her how to read, while some white male student suffered in the meanwhile? Look at that girl. She is up to no good and this poor young man can't do anything about it.

Oh no! She used her evil feminist powers to discern that this innocent young man was merely wondering whether he, as a white male, has really gotten all the opportunities he possibly could in life. Look at her! No, wait, don't look at her: she's wearing short pants. But imagine that she was wearing long pants, or a skirt, and see the hate in her eyes. She is going to take him down, possibly with that book, or possibly by unfairly getting ahead of him in life. You do not want to mess with a girl like that: she is so intent upon bringing the man down that she even left her meal aside in order to plan how to get more opportunities and attention than this man ever will. If only this young man had been given the tools that he needed, as opposed to them being wasted on some girl or some ethnic person, he'd have the brains to turn around and defend himself against this female.

And I don't want to scare you but there are more girls in that picture too, see? All getting ahead, while this young man sits and stares. What is wrong with America?

I am sorry for putting that curse on you the other day. I put curses on everyone, but little did I know that this one would actually, you know, work. I was pretty mad at you for cutting me off in the intersection while I was crossing--I mean, I CLEARLY had the walk sign and you still drove through and called me a very bad name. I am still kind of mad about now that I think about it.

But believe you me, I did not intend to set up some sort of situation where you'd be haunted by a deformed version of me that only you can see. First, I'm embarrassed to be such a bother, but secondly, this has been taking up a lot more time than I anticipated. My boss is giving me the stinkeye for taking all these long lunches but this curse isn't going to fulfill itself, apparently. This stuff is work. Who knew?

I still think you're a big jerk but in retrospect I don't know if it was completely appropriate to damn you to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity. Maybe you were having a bad day or something.

Since you did call me the c-word though I'm not really sorry about sending that swarm of locusts flying into your mouth, or about that epic 3-day nosebleed. And you thought that keeping box of Kleenex in the car was so clever, didn't you? And if you had just been patient and let me cross the street, I wouldn't have had to send my dentures to bite you in the face. Do yo know how hard it is to find dentures if you don't technically need them, by the way? Kind of a pain.

Anyway, just drive more carefully next time. Or I vill suck your blood! Just kidding, I don't do that. I only bathe people in it.

If you're a person who appreciates funny women then you should bow down to today's interviewee. She is a comedienne, writer, producer and actor whose career as a stand-up comedian who has written for shows like "The Larry Sanders Show", "Saturday Night Live," and most notably, "Seinfeld" (it is said that the Elaine character was based on her) and has had a hand in everyone's favorite comedy shows. She is the author of the new book When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror, a book of comedy memoir essays.

What was the most difficult part of writing the book?
The sitting down and doing it. I once read where if you're procrastinating, you should tell yourself you're going to sit down for just fifteen minutes and work. And then you start, and the fear falls away and you keep writing way past the fifteen minutes. I used that trick a lot!

Why did you decide to write it at this stage of your life?
I wrote the book now because I have found that the best part of my life began at forty. Most people, especially women, have a fear of forty and upward. They think, "I'm forty. I'm old. I'm formed." But I feel that's a complete misconception. Since I turned forty, I found the love of my life, we got bat mitzvahed together, we adopted a child together, and I became an animal person and a vegan as a result of my partner, Lori, bringing animals into my life. Change is possible, growth is possible as we get older. I find that I'm also so much smarter than I was before at this stage of my life and I wanted to really crow about that. That doesn't get the air play that it should out there in the zeitgeist!

Do you think you'll do a follow-up book? What on?
I hope to do a follow-up book with a similar theme. What I love about the feedback I'm getting is, so many people, men and women, are relating to my essays. But what blows me away is the ages of the readers. I got a Facebook message from a woman who is twenty-four, saying how much she loves my book because it made her not afraid to age. She said she felt like she had a good template now, going forward, on how to age and do it happily and gracefully. And then on the other end of the spectrum, I got a snail mail letter from a woman who is ninety-eight (!) saying that she feels the same way I do about a lot of issues and things I bring up in the book. I love that the book is hitting such a wide demographic, but at moments, I have worried that someone ninety-eight and myself are such compadres.

How close to your onstage voice is the voice you used for the pieces in the book?
It's very similar. But with stand-up, it's very clear - you're always out there to get laughs. That is your job and what the audience came out for. But with the book, I can dig a little deeper, get a bit more soulful. I am very complimented by readers who have said they were laughing at one minute and then crying at other parts that are poignant. I like sharing that more thoughtful and sensitive side of myself that you don't really see of me onstage, doing stand-up. I like the feeling of making someone cry who I'm not in a relationship with!

Were you disappointed with the low profile of the people you got to blurb the book? I haven't heard of any of them! Was there anybody who you were hoping to get that you couldn't?
Eric Estrada.

Before you knew you were gay, how did you envision your fling with Lori would begin and end?
Since she was the first woman I had a fling with, I thought it would last around three months, and be a sex-filled, hedonistic romp. And I'm happy to say that we're coming up on thirteen years together. We've got a three year-old now, so it's not as sex-filled and hedonistic, but The Wiggles now fill the void.

You mentioned that your standup audiences helped you guide you in editing the pieces: are there any examples of pieces that changed after you performed them?
A live audience is a great monitor for dead spots. You can feel it when you're reading an essay and it's very frightening, the feeling of boredom you feel coming back at ya. When i read a piece live, I know afterwards very specifically how to make it leaner and meaner.

In your essays on aging womanhood, was there anything you wanted to avoid, IE a certain tone or theme that you felt had been addressed before, or did you just write what came to you?
I definitely wanted to avoid the bad cliches - ancient menopause jokes, "Oh Lord! I need a Power Scooter!" jokes and anything that smacked of "Am I right, ladies?"

Is there anything that is never, ever funny to you?
Eric Estrada.

Who makes you laugh lately?
Arj Barker, Mario Cantone, Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman on "Parks and Recreation."

Which have been your favorite talk shows to be on? For any reason, from the host to the snacks in the green room?
I loved just being on with Letterman because I hadn't been on the show in so many years. It was like old home week, seeing Biff Henderson, the stage manager. Barbara Gaines (who is the exec. producer but started as an intern on Dave's morning show!). It was like no time had passed once I sat down with Dave. I really liked that. And being on Howard Stern was fun since I hadn't been on his Sirius show yet and it just felt so good to curse like a drunken sailor.

Were there ever any jokes you didn't feel good about performing in front of your parents?
My mom, who's a shrink, always hated this joke, so I took it out if I knew she was coming to the show - "It's hard to picture my Mom solving other people's problems when she's the root of most of mine."

Is it true that you bid on and won the notes Michael Vick wrote about dogfighting in prison? What did you do with them?
The Humane Society of The United States put the apology note up on E-bay and we won them. We did it for two reasons - one, all the money went to HSUS, an organization we love and respect. And two, we plan on putting the note up for auction again in the future and giving all the money again to HSUS. So it felt like a double gift in the long run. We had the framed note up in our son's room, but he's a little reckless with crayons and markers these days, so it got moved into my office.

What's the best golf tip you've ever gotten?
You gotta suck to get good. Same goes for stand-up comedy. So don't beat yourself up as you're learning.

How does it feel to be the 231st person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Better than 230 but not as heady as 232's going to feel!

American Idol is ovah! See my writeup here. I will be back writing more actual blog posts now that my week is five or six hours longer than it's been for the last several months.

Can be found here! I am rooting for Kris because he is cute like a little pocket pet.

If you're looking for something to do once Idol is over, and you live in Chicago, may I suggest this?

They installed new elevators at my office building, finally: the kind where you enter into a keypad which floor you're going to and it tells you which elevator to use and then it whisks you there. Some hapless lady who didn't feel like listening to the security guard's instructions got on my elevator, looked panicked, and then got off.

Today I chat with the author of the new book Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America-and Found Unexpected Peace, the review of which caught my eye a few weeks ago in the New York Times. Prior to the book, William Lobdell covered the religion beat for The Times for eight years, first as a columnist and then as a beat reporter. He also has been a visiting faculty member for 12 years at the University of California, Irvine, where he teaches "Religion and the Media" and "The Internet, Blogs and Politics."

Prior to writing Losing My Religion, were you influenced, positively or negatively, by any other first-person atheist works?
Books by Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris served as battering rams to get me, and other atheists, out of the closet. They put atheism closer to the mainstream. But Julia Sweeney's one-woman play, "Letting Go of God," had the largest impact on me. With humor, intelligence, and humility, her work showed me people who don't believe in a personal God can have fulfilling and content lives.

How much feedback to you receive from readers who try to change your point of view? Did you receive much when you were covering the religion beat at the Times?
I get e-mails every day from people trying to reconvert me. And I have gotten a small mountain of tapes, books, workbooks, CDs and DVDs along those same lines. I think I would be a prized convert if I re-embraced Christianity (I don't see that happening). At The Times, when I interviewed people, they often asked about my faith - but no one tried to shape it differently.

Of the negative feedback you receive on the book, how much of it is people criticizing your writing and how much of it is people criticizing what you had to say?
Even when people hated the book, they often praised the writing. The most common criticisms: I wrote it for the money; I never was really a Christian; I didn't take my faith seriously enough; I took a turn toward Satan when I decided to become a Catholic; and I mistook man's sins for the work of a perfect God. It's a had book to criticize because it's just my story, and I'm not trying to de-convert people.

I read one comment on a review of your book from a person who claimed that you were never really "born again" if you eventually lost faith. How would you respond to that?
I'd agree. I don't think I was ever "born again." It was just wishful thinking. In my opinion, I don't think anyone is really born again.

How has theological life for your family changed since you became an atheist?
Obviously we don't go to church, and we've lost from Christian friends. But overall, our lives are pretty much unchanged--the same morals and values, which I'd argue are inherent to most people. My kids don't believe in God at the moment, but it's not something we try to ram down their throats. I just want them to think critically about faith and come to their own conclusions.

What was the most difficult part of writing your book?
Being honest and revealing secrets I'd rather keep quiet. But for the book to work, I had to lay it all out there.

Which of your LA Times stories are you proudest?
My coverage of the Catholic sex scandal, which spanned five years, and my investigative work on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Do you feel like atheists sometimes need to defend themselves more than just a person of weak/little faith would need to?
Though it's getting easier, being an atheist in America is tough, and you often get some very aggressive Christians who want to challenge your beliefs or convert you to their side. I think there are many cultural Christians out there who don't reveal their doubts because it's easier to just go along than tell the truth.

What have been some of your favorite depictions of god or religion in cinema or art?
I love any religious painting by Caravaggio, the Oscar-nominated film "Doubt" was spot on in depicting how the Catholic Church works when a priest faces an allegation of sexual abuse, and Robert Duval's "The Apostle."

Do you believe that atheism is a belief?
No. Not believing in something in something isn't a type of faith.

Why do you think people get so hung up on other people's religious practices?
People have a huge investment in their religion - it's at the center of their worldview and, in practice, they are betting their eternal lives on their decision. When their faith is threatened or questioned, defense of it comes from a primal place.

How has the popular meaning of the word "evangelical" changed over the last ten years changed, in your opinion?
To non-evangelicals, I think the word hasn't changed much. To many people, it's scary and bring forth thoughts of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and the Christian Right. I think that's going to change in the next few years because the new generation of evangelicals doesn't care a lot about politics and want to live out the social justice messages of the Gospels.

How literally, in your opinion, should believers take the Bible?
Not literally. It's a lot of things, but it's not the literal truth. For starters, Earth is a tad older than 6,000 years.

How does it feel to be the 230th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
230th? That's my new lucky number!

I wrote about Idol and the finale of America's Next Top Model.

Meanwhile you people wrote me after I said I'm fed up with the "on a scale of 1-10" cliche and gave me the sayings you'd also like to bury deep in the cold cold ground:

I'm a little bit disappointed with sports stars giving it "one hundred and ten percent". It's beginning to sound kind of measly. How about 200%! How about 300%!

I hate "For Pete's Sake." No explanation needed, I think.

my disdain for the phrase "it is what it is" is about an 11. of course it is what it is, so why do people have to say that it is? it makes no sense to me and i am sick of hearing it.

"you would be my official hero (as of now you remain my unofficial one) if you could rid us of the phrase "for all intensive purposes." which is really "for all intents and purposes," but everyone says it fucking WRONG. it's gotta go.

You know what I am really sick of hearing? YOU KNOW. You know? Seriously, you know. "You know" has been a conversation staple of my grandmother's for many decades now, and it's at the top of my list of phrases I'd love to never hear again. Also, why are people saying LOCK IN? I don't know that one. So, my two cents. (Wait, is that another annoying one? I'm paralyzed!)

six of one/half dozen of another. at the end of the day...let's take this offline...we don't have the bandwidth to pull it off...

Irregardless..... (hate that word) Think outside of the box

"At the end of the day, ..." (though I'm guilty of overusing it myself) "For the simple fact" "Whole other level" "Nine times out of 10"

Yes, the scale became stupid some time ago. I amuse/annoy my friends with supernerd nonsense scales. On a scale from i to pi/2, I'd rate that a 1. On a scale from 7 to infinity, I'd rate that a Friday. On a scale from January to the return of Jesus Christ, I'd rate that as pretty good. You can go literary. On a scale from Dick and Jane to Finnegan's Wake, I rate that a How to Eat Fried Worms. You get the annoying idea.

Anyway, you asked us to share a phrase we're sick of hearing, and I have to admit I've always hated the phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it, too." On a scale of hatred of 1 to 10... I'd say it ranks, oh I don't know, 15. Just kidding. But it's at least a solid 7. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with cake if not eat it? Stare at it? That's just cruel. Cake is made to be eaten. I always felt it should maybe be something like "you can't have your cake and ice cream, too." Because then you'd get fat.

I absolutely HATE the phrase "comfortable in his/her own skin." I cringe as soon as I realize it's about to be said. I'm cringing right now just thinking about it!

Thanks to everyone for airing their grievances. May you go forth and live a cliche-and-wrongly-used-phrase-free day! Or whatever, I could care less.

"On a scale of 1-10..."

Some guy on NPR this morning was talking about the pain of his broken back, and he said "On a scale of 1-10..." and I thought to myself, "He's gonna say 11 or 12", but then he said "I'd say it was a twenty." I don't doubt that the pain of a broken back can be excruciating, beyond what I'll ever know, but now I'll never know. The "scale" has become totally inappropriate due to scale inflation. What would a ten be, childbirth? Having a limb amputated with no anesthesia? We'll never know what "true" 10 means since everything is an 11 or 12 or 20. And if NPR has given up on the whole "one to ten" thing meaning anything then it basically means it's a totally useless phrase which we should eliminate.

The five of you who still read this blog: what phrases are you sick of hearing? Email me and we can all complain together.

Strangely and sadly there is only one place where the 1-10 last still has some relevance, and that's when guys using it to describe girls' faces, although I guess the problem with that scale is, what is a 1? Do guys count old ladies or perhaps people with facial deformities? I will have to ask a man someday what is up with that.

I wrote about Idol last night and picked my favorite.

I signed up to run a 5K in a few weeks. I am not a natural runner--in fact, I'm quite the opposite, to the point where it feels weird and wrong for me to do it outside but nice and safe inside on the treadmill. I decided to make this a goal though after my wedding last year, when I was in pretty good physical shape so I wanted to give myself a reason not to let it all entirely go to pot. I still can't quite figure out however why some days I'll have a decent time doing it and I'll come out of it feeling good about myself, and others where I want to kill myself and everyone else around me. Here are some of the factors that decide a good vs. bad run:

BAD:

Underwear: I'm not sure to this day why some sets of underwear ride while running and some don't and I think that sometimes it's not the underwear, it's the day. If it doesn't stay in place then I'm trying to fix it the whole time and I feel self-conscious and it sucks.

Stomach: This is very delicate and I haven't been able to figure out how to make this perfect. If I'm too hungry I'm tired but if I recently ate/drank then I get a cramp. And don't get me started on dealing with the food from the night before.

The sun: Last week I picked a treadmill that faced the window. Like an idiot I didn't realize that the sun was coming up. For some reason I stayed on that stupid thing for 40 minutes getting blinded rather than going to another machine.

Wrong shirt: sometimes I washed all my sleeveless shirts. Trying to keep a short sleeve rolled up while you run is annoying.

People next to me: you are not allowed to talk on your cell phone or to a friend or cough or sniff excessively. Weirdly I forgive farting however because I think it's kind of understandable.

Towels: I have to have a hand towel when I run. A washcloth is too small and a beach towel is like a joke.

Time: Sometimes it is so slow.

GOOD:

Caffeine: The more, the better. Can you use cocaine and exercise?

Music: It depends on how I feel but there's a part of a song by Girl Talk that samples the song "Club Action" which has girls chanting "F--- that s---, f--- that s---, f--- that s--- say f--- that s---!" and that is never a bad mantra for running.

Sports: A game I vaguely care about is great to watch while I run because five minutes in sports equals ten minutes at least in real life.

My trainer: I have a great personal trainer who sometimes will just tell me how to run although I learned I can't talk quite as much as I normally do or else she makes me run way faster than usual.

Not having to it the next day: the best motivation of all.

I should have asked him 'how much' but I just laughed and said that my dog is like my son (NOTICE that I said "like" my son. He is not my son. I'm not that bad. But it would have been interesting to see what this man though Briscoe was worth, especially considering he asked me first "What do you call that dog?" (the right answer being "a greyhound," not "Briscoe." He didn't care what we named him, just wanted to make sure I guess that our dog could make him some money).

I'd take a million dollars though, maybe.

Oh, I'm so tired. I wrote about American Idol and America's Next Top Model last night. Perhaps I am so tired because the only people I liked on each show got eliminated.

Tonight I am going to the opening of a new wing at an art museum tonight and you know what that means: FREE BOOZE!!!!!1111!!!! It's better than spring break.

Sorry about that yesterday: my server was down. Since then I also wrote about American Idol for the AV Club. Say, by the way, did you know that you can pre-order my book? You can read a little bit about it and see the super-cute cover here.

I had to regulate yesterday at the dog park. A couple came in and had a seat in the sunshine and their husky trotted off, and as dogs are wont to do, took a poop in the corner of the park. The couple had no idea this was going on since its back was to the dog. The #1 rule at Puptown is that "Puptown is not Pooptown": IE pick up after your dog. I had a few choices: let some other, less important person than myself or the dog's owners pick up the poop, pick up the poop myself or be an asshole. Since it was a nice sunny day I decided to be an asshole. "Do you own the husky?" I asked them. They said yeah. "It just pooped over there," I said and pointed. "Oh..." the guy said and went to go pick it up. Then I sat down with my husband and for fifteen minutes rationalized what I did to make myself feel like I wasn't actually in the wrong. "I mean if they don't pick it up someone else is going to have to, right?" I asked. "Right," Steve said robotically. "Quit worrying about it." I thought about some way to try and temper the situation, to make some joke but I couldn't think of any that wouldn't sound shrill and guilty. "I mean, ha ha, Ii was going to do it, but why would I do that? That's disgusting, and so are you! Ha ha."

I was still recovering from an earlier bout of assholism earlier in the day. I was at the gym and some lady was walking around, working out IN HER SOCKS. Just doing some weights, going on the treadmill, you know, all the things you do at the gym while wearing gym shoes. I occasionally have foot issues (IE this is an extremely sensitive time of year for me as people start wearing their sandals without taking into consideration that their feet have been hibernating for seven months and could maybe use a little clean-up) and one issue for me is people who opt to wear their socks around the gym, freely dispersing their foot sweat everywhere they go. Why would you want do to this, anyway? Don't you want to keep your socks nice and clean?

It was, as Christian Bale would say, f'ing distracting. Some gym management guy though soon went up to the lady and told her to put some goddamn shoes on. She seemed surprised by this, probably because she was insane, but she put her clogs back on and went out. As I left the gym I heard one manager say to the other "What's our policy on wearing shoes at the gym?" and like a jerk I butted in and said "Oh I saw that lady upstairs without her shoes on and I was like 'Ew gross.' I'm glad someone told her to put her shoes on." They stared at me, probably because I am insane.

I got mine today this morning, though. I was carrying in my lunch today to the office and apparently the container started to leak on the floor while I was waiting for the elevator. A security guy came up to me with some paper towels and I dutifully wiped up my omelet juice/food condensation that was on the floor. Yes, I am just as disgusting as everyone else, probably moreso.

Today I chat with a prolific writer, award-winning journalist and one of Chicago's brightest literary stars. She is the author of the new book Ruins, as well as Memory Mambo, Days of Awe, This is What Happened in Our Other Life and We Came All the Way from Cuba So You Could Dress Like This? She also edited the crime anthology Havana Noir and is currently the Sor Juana Visiting Writer at DePaul University in Chicago.

When was the last time you were in Cuba?
I was last in Cuba in December 2007. I'll be there again in June.

What vision do you find most Americans have about Cuba (say, Havana specifically) and how close to the truth is it?
In my opinion, most Americans have a romantic view of Cuba -- either it's a tropical paradise or a socialist paradise. In truth, it's neither. It's a third world country that tried a very bold social experiment which failed. It's poor but its people are crazy well educated, which adds to their frustrations. Most Americans see us warm and uncommonly friendly, and some of that's true -- but mostly because Americans don't want to believe they're being hustled.

What were the hardest parts of translating "The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao"?
It was a huge challenge in a myriad ways but definitely the most exciting translating job imaginable.

How did you get that gig? Had you done much translating before?
I was asked by Random House to submit a sample that was presented, with several others, to Junot, who made his decision after blind sampling.

I'd translated for the many years when I first moved to Chicago, mostly oral interpreting, in courts and hospitals and the like. I'd also translated for the Chicago Tribune and for private clients. And, of course, I translated Havana Noir.

What brought you to Chicago in 1979?
I was in love with a girl who lived in Chicago.

What do you get out of living and working in Chicago that you don't think you would get living in another city?
It's a beautiful, livable city, very accessible. It has all the advantages, esp culturally, of the big cities, while retaining a real sense of community.

Where are your favorite places to read and work in Chicago?
My house, Harper Library on the U of C campus.

What have you read and enjoyed lately?
Trinidad Noir.

Had you had much experience with crime writing prior to editing Havana Noir?
Just one story for Chicago Noir, but I'd always been a reader of noirs.

In general are the stories, in tone or theme, very different from those in the American Noirs?
Yes, they're a bit more fantastic -- I assume you're asking me about Havana Noir and Cuban noir in general -- because Cuban life's a bit more absurd. But, also, American noirs are, by nature, set around the idea of a loner against society, and Cuban noirs -- because Cuba is socialist -- sometimes flip that dynamic.

Of all the different genres you write in, (including journalism) which comes the easiest to you?
Fiction. Total freedom.

How do you know when you have an idea for a novel vs. for a short story?
I don't until I'm into it.

When you're putting together a book of poems, how do you decide which to include?
I've only done one, and I was lucky enough to be working with Lawrence Schimel, who's a genius about that sort of thing. In general, I feel that book owes its success to him. He's an amazing editor. (And an amazing friend too.)

What is your process of writing a book? Do you have a schedule?
When I'm in it, I write every day. Every single Day.

What does being the Visiting Writer at a university entail?
Teaching a couple of classes, giving public readings, meeting w students, and having a public profile that reflects positively on the university.

When you teach writing, what do you think is the most valuable lesson you can impart on your students?
To tell the truth.

How does it feel to be the 229th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Wow!

Idol and Top Model. Enjoy! I have an interview tomorrow so come back and check it out!

Having a dog is the best thing to happen to Steve and me in terms of getting to know our neighbors. Sure, we knew the people in our row of townhomes, partially because we had to, but now that we have a dog, we've gotten to know more people in our neighborhood, specifically, people with dogs (and the one guy who walks around with dog treats in his pockets. although he has no dog himself).

I probably wouldn't notice these people if I saw them once a day for the rest of my life but if I meet them and their dog a second time, it's like we're old friends. The great thing about dog neighbors is that it's like Humanity Lite: you get practice making small talk but without the tedium of actual conversation. Here are some of the benefits:

1) No names. It's weird to ask a dog neighbor his or her name. But it is perfectly normal to say "And who's THIS?" when petting their dog. You can however ask if they have meet other dogs. I met a Weimaraner yesterday and asked his owner if the dog had met Cuba, another Weimaraner in the neighborhood. This is not weird.

2) Unfettered enthusiasm. The dog owner will not think you're weird for saying "Oh what a handsome boy!" or "Oh what a sweet girl!" about his or her dog. It would probably be weird though to say that about someone's child or husband.

3) Pleasantries. The conversation never gets complicated when you talk to a dog neighbor because you talk about two things: dogs and weather.

4) No judgment. You know how when you're making small talk and you sometimes say that one weird word-fumble, like "Bye you later!" or "Fine thanks," after they say "Hello?" You forgive yourself these moments much more easily with dog neighbors because they don't care what you have to say. They just want their dog to poop a healthy poop and then get home.

5) No awkward goodbyes. Have you ever wished you were at a party and just been able to say "I'm done with this conversation. Goodbye!" when you were done talking? Well you can do that with dog neighbors, only you sort of blame your dog. "Come on, Briscoe, let's go!" you can say and the dog person doesn't take it personally at all.

Yes, dog neighbors are fine neighbors. The only downside is that I hope I never have to help these people out in an emergency because it would be weird to tell a cop, "Help, help! Chee-to's Dad is hurt!"

The movie "Obsessed" is out, starring Beyonce as the wife of Idris Elba, who works with Ali Larter, a white she-devil who attempts to seduce Elba and becomes Obsessed with him and then Beyonce becomes Obsessed with Ali Larter's Obsession, or something.

Since this movie looks like a giant stinkbomb, I think it's the movie's publicists that are actually stirring up this accompanying controversy on the topic of white women stealing handsome successful black men away from black women.

I'm sure that there are plenty of bad white apples out there who are in fact doing this. But "Obsessed" is not symbolizing a larger issue. We white women are already Obsessed with holding on to our own men, whatever color they may be, analyzing their every phone conversation, wondering what they REALLY MEANT BY THAT, agonizing over just how into us they may or may not be.

However the movie is, in fact, illustrating a very specific issue and that is people stealing Idris Elba away from anybody.

In case you don't know Idris Elba, he starred as Stringer Bell on "The Wire" and did a guest spot on the US "Office." But more importantly, this is Idris Elba:

Hello? I would try to steal him away from any woman: black, white, Indian, Chinese, Icelandic, Pacific Islander, Native American, Eskimo, you name it. Are you kidding? Look at his face! Listen to his British accent! And I'm sure everyone else, including probably a couple of straight men, feel the same way. I would do whatever it takes. I will be naked in his hotel room. I'll be in his bed. I will touch your child. (FYI these are quotes from the movie trailer. I really don't want to touch your child). Are you telling me that you'd expect anyone not to lust after Idris Elba? This is not a racial issue. This is an Idris Elba issue.

If you had made "Obsessed" with any other black guy (like, say, Urkel), I don't think that the sense of psychosexual racial tension would be nearly as strong.

Black women, I speak for the majority of white women when I say we do not mean any harm towards your domestic situation. Unless, again, you are married to Idris Elba--and you probably stole him from some other lady anyway, while her back was turned. And nobody would blame you.

I know, I say that all the time, don't I? Well I have a bunch out there in the universe just waiting to come back to me. I have been writing, however: you can read the AV Club staff (including me) talk about what makes them cry here. I also reviewed the Flight of the Conchords radio show and Coraline at EMusic.

By the way, on Facebook yesterday I saw that you can become a "fan" of Laughter. Why does that exist? If I don't "become a fan," does that indicate that I hate laughter? I guess so. I also haven't designated that I'm a fan of oxygen so I guess I'm technically dead, at least according to Facebook.

Stranger: do you like ashley tisdale?
You: I have no thoughts on her. she seems OK
Stranger: :)

You: what did you last eat today?
Stranger: I KILL ALL YOU AMERICANS IN jihad
You: :( that sucks

Stranger: hi what's your name?
You: I'm trying to decide if I should use a fake name or not
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: Hey
You: hi there
Stranger: asl?
You have disconnected.

****

Unrelated, I wrote about Idol and Top Model last night.

I wrote about Idol last night.

Hey News Media: do you know who I'm sick of hearing from? People who "predicted the financial crisis." So what? How does that help us now? And don't tell me that they may have ways to solve it because they don't: if they did they should be WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW, not being a bunch of "I told you so's." Give me somebody more interesting, like a lady who trained a squirrel how to water-ski.

Instead I did nothing because I was in a hurry, plus I figured he littered right near the Magnificent Mile, which gets cleaned instantly, but if the guy had done it near my house, which is a trash-magnet, boy howdy was he in for it (and then, probably I would be too, since everyone loves a pushy neat freak).

Recently DJ Samantha Ronson and her family celebrated her breakup from trainwreck Lindsay Lohan with a cake that seemed to poke fun at Lindasy's various, um, weaknesses:

I wish that all fights were done in cake form, don't you? That way, instead of all the Twitter nonsense and US Weeky interviews, the breakup could go something more like this, as Lindsay and Sam trotted out various cakes to symbolize their relationship. Also, they'd get fat.

Somebody wrote in to gently educate me on the ways of Sedona, Arizona after my extremely well-thought-out and researched op-ed on what makes Sedona bad. I hope you haven't canceled your tickets yet, because there is another side:

I read you practically religiously and you always have something interesting to say. I'd even maybe call myself a fan. But something needs to be said.

I just read your note on Sedona and i must say that if you are basing the quality of your experience on gift shops, you deserved to have a shitty time. Did you bother to go out into the beautiful mountains at all? Going somewhere known for the mystical beauty of its natural setting seems a waste if you don't spend that time in... nature.
Flagstaff is much the same. Did you visit any of the awesome geographical sites? volcanos? canyons? Of course gift shops are bad. This is not news. If you wanted awesome shopping you should have gone to London or New York.

I'm hurt.

Mainly because i love northern Arizona and hate to think anyone is telling their readers not to go, especially for so shitty a reason as bad gift shops. There are some very good day hikes that can be done even by beginners all around. I also know that many park rangers around there will try to scare tourists with false tales of mountain lions which is (sadly) effective in keeping out the riffraff and then some. But the brave ones are rewarded.

love,
Isabel

Sufficed to say, Isabel shamed me greatly and I am glad she wrote in. Next time I'm in the area I will for sure give S-town a second chance and write about it here. For her time I am sending her a beautiful sweater from the Richard David Store for Men.

Also, if you're interested, I wrote about what pieces of pop culture my parents passed on to me and what I would pass on to my children. And in much sillier fare, I have been writing "Hot or Not?" pieces for Schadenfreude.

Last night I wrote about American Idol, Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. And aged gracefully.

Want to hear the most boring "celebrity" birthday ever? "The Elements of Style" is 50 years old! Party! I know as a writer I should find this of interest but I heard a news story on NPR this morning about it with some lady purring that people really should know the difference between "imply" and "implode" and I was like Oh NPR, sometimes you are so NPR-ey.

I'm 30 today and I'm not writing crap.

But last night I did write about American Idol.

I am home in Chicago where it is cold and rainy. Back in Arizona it was warm and sunny and, specifically in Sedona, beautifully red and mountainous. But despite the natural splendor of the location, I deem Sedona one of the top ten worst places I've ever been in the world. Why?

For whatever reason, Sedona is the home to various vortexes--I'm not sure exactly what a vortex means, but based on my estimation, it's a gathering place for dozens of shitty souvenir shops that sell exactly the same things: crystals, ugly art, horrible clothing and various other accoutrement that rape Native American--and pretty much every other--culture out there. You know that Indian who cried at the end of that old commercial that told people not to pollute? Well, if he saw the shops in Sedona, he would simultaneously vomit and defecate.

Even if you believe in crystals, dreamcatchers, faeries and the like, you have to be a real idiot to think there's something genuinely spiritual in the mountains and mountains of crap being sold to yokel tourists in the middle of all this natural beauty. There is a vortex in Sedona: a vortex of suck.

But first: I will be out of town tomorrow through the weekend, so Zulkey.com will return Monday, hopefully tan from the Arizona sun and smug to have missed some epic Chicago "springtime" weather.

p. 42:
This is the best article I have seen on the risks associated with oral sex and how best to reduce them. I had never heard of a dental dam before. Please do read this.
Love,
Mom

p. 116:
How is your day going? You must be really busy. When I die, please don't put me in a safety deposit box, okay?

p.170:
Dad and I are worried about you. We haven't heard from you since you called Monday nite to say you ate moldy bread. Please call or let us know everything is okay so we can stop worrying.

p. 198:
OK on top of worrying about you considerably the last two days I dream last night that my doctor was putting the moves on me and when I went to see him he turned into Javier Bardem

From the site (some of these are a little long; feel free to choose however many you want):
Surprise, I am writing you an email.

I NEED HELP AND SOON, BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH !!!!

I am guessing that you are wondering how come I'm doing this -- it's just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out. I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit -- and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out. My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out. If you happen to have Tami's number then call her.

Anyhow, can you get me out of here. I guess I'll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here. Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.

**
I just talked to Grandma and your aunt's wedding is going to be the 6th of December. She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU. Novel idea? Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she's not a virgin. Are you kidding me? She's 41 years old. I'd be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were. I didn't think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin. I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age! Geez! At least I'm not related to them by blood.

L,

M
**
Backstory: My parents are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and word has gotten back to a certain Great-Aunt who has always had a fondness for sending us Bibles and other unsolicited Christian literature. Up to this point, my mom tactfully stays quiet about the religious stuff, but she gets kinda fierce when anyone tries to tell her how to handle the end of her marriage.

For Christmas, your great-Aunt F sent me a postcard wishing me success in the reconciliation of my marriage.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me a DVD about saving my marriage the Christian way. She said "Even though I am a Christian, I'm not trying to convert you. I accept that you are not a Christian, but I hope you'll find this helpful."

I'm gonna write her back- "Even though I am a sinner, I'm not trying to convert you. I accept that you're not a sinner, but I hope you'll find this helpful."

The note will be attached to a vibrator.
**
DO NOT GET A CAT...I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL FUCKEN CATS... EVER TRY AND GIVE A CAT A PILL?... IT SUCKS AND YOUR DAD DOESN'T HELP! I CAN HARDLY WAIT TILL ALL OF THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE.

SORRY, I JUST HAD TO VENT... YOUR BROTHER WENT OUT. MOM
**
Mom: It's funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don't touch it. They wait until I'm there and then they gorge it all down. They're like, 'Karen's home! Time to eat!'

Me: They call you Karen? Doesn't that bother you?

Mom: Well, they know I'm not their mom. Actually, I'm sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don't understand, but I'm sure it is very respectable.

**
Why don't you start a trend? Try dating him BEFORE you sleep with him. The dating thing might catch on.

**
i was so mad @ dad cause he had a swearing meltdown in the car; he dropped me off @ pig to get a few things & he went to get coffee. when i was done (it was slow cause they had no cashier so the checker didn't know what she was doing, but I was patient) and got in the car he had a fit, his coffee was cold, if he knew i was going to buy more than one thing he'd have made me go alone. SO I got home and wrote "you suck" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror AND on his tribune daily crossword...it was usuck across and crabass down...it worked quite well...i'm not going to take that verbal abuse so i have ways of making myself feel better: leave notes and clean and make lots of noise while he's reading the paper. Sometimes it's so much fun being married

Want to read about what I'd like to experience for the first time again?

Today I speak with the co-editor of the blog Postcards From Yo Momma, which has just been recently published as the book Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home (get it for Mother's Day!) She is currently a senior editor at The New York Observer and a former editor at Gawker.com, and has contributed to Slate, among other publications.

What was the hardest part about turning the blog into a book?
Getting permission for every single on of the entries. We had to send permission forms to the kids (because they were the ones who'd sent in the emails/chats/texts) and ask (beg) them to send the form to their mom, who then needed to sign it and return it to us via email, fax or U.S. mail. (A remarkably large number of forms got returned via U.S. mail...) It was a bit of a nerve-wracking experience because if no one had returned the forms, there would've been no book. That would've been mildly embarrassing.

How did the title of the book come about? It's got a different tone than "Postcards from Yo Momma."
Our publisher wasn't too keen on using "Postcards From Yo Momma" as the title of the book and, frankly, neither were we. We came up with the "Love, Mom" bit pretty quickly--we realized that moms view email and even chats and texts more formally than their kids do, and often sign off "Love, Mom" even if it's just a one-line note. It seemed both sweet and a little cheeky, kind of like the book. The subtitle was a little more complicated--there was a lot of back-and-forth with our publisher about what it should be. (They felt pretty strongly about using "messages"; we'd originally had "emails," etc. These are the picayune details you never think about when you're writing a book!)

How did you decide what to include in the book?
First we came up with the chapters, and then we divvied up the work--Jessica took the odd-numbered chapters and I took the even-numbered ones. Then it was just a matter of going through the emails we had already gotten at that point and choosing the best ones. When we got the book deal, we started setting aside emails that we knew we wanted to save for the book--we knew we wanted to make the book have almost all new content. Then the trick was finding messages that had some combination of funny/sweet/clueless/random. We chose around 450, and around 250 of those moms sent back their permission forms.

Which are some of your favorite entries, from the book and the blog?
From the book:
p. 33:
Subject: hi
i want grandchildren.

p. 17:
Please cleanup your facebook. Sex, drugs, lesbian stuff, no religion. People look at that before they hire you - Pres. Bush gets reports about this stuff, too. Listen to your mother -- have a little common sense for goodness sake. Have some Christian values!
Your mother
[Ed: Doree sent me a ton of hilarious ones for this answer and I'm going to save the rest of them for a future post].

What do you think you'd do differently the next time you work on a book?
Next time I'd go after some of the delinquent permission slips more aggressively--and it would probably help to have a little more time to put it together also.

In your Postcards From Yo Momma, work, did you do much Postcards From Yo Daddy related fieldwork? How would you say communications between dads and kids are different from those between moms and kids?
We've toyed with the idea of starting a Postcards From Yo Daddy, and probably will at some point. People do send us in funny emails from their dads, but their tone and often subject matter is usually different. Dads--and I include my dad in this characterization--are, generally, more curt in their correspondence; their emails are usually all business, whereas moms are, generally, more communicative. We've heard criticism that the site perpetuates gender stereotypes, and to that I would say: you can't argue with the evidence. There will always be exceptions, but at least for this generation of parents, there are pretty clear differences between the communication styles of moms and those of dads. I'm curious to see whether our generation interacts with their kids differently--I bet we will.

Tell me about Tumblr and why everyone seems to be on it. I feel left out but I don't think I can deal with one more platform on which to report my comings and goings.
I put my personal blog on Tumblr in December '07, when I was working on a story about its founder, David Karp, for The New York Observer. (I figured I should have some experience on the thing.) I like Tumblr because it's incredibly easy (even a mom could use it! har) and I also like the social networking aspect of it--I choose whom I want to follow, and there's this whole Tumblr universe that exists on a sort of back-end. The blog you see if you just go to my blog at doree.tumblr.com is a different experience than reading it through the Tumblr dashboard, which is more like Twitter in format.

How do yo find your writing/blogging habits have changed over the last few years? (I personally feel like my personal blog has suffered as my professional writing has thrived but that's not necessarily a bad thing).
Except for a short-lived attempt a few years ago, I didn't have a personal blog until I started my Tumblr. And I've found that having the blog often helps me crystallize my thinking about topics I'm considering writing about professionally. I will say that my blogging has suffered since I got more into Twitter--it's often more tempting to just dash off a quick 140 characters about something than write a whole blog post, which suddenly seems really long. (Even though, duh, it's not.) But in general I try to maintain an equilibrium among Twittering, Tumblring, Momma-ing and my day job.

What are some of your proudest moments from working at Gawker?
I had a lot of fun doing the Most Annoying Liberal Arts College series of polls, maybe because it annoyed so many liberal arts college students. (The student newspaper at Wesleyan wrote a sort of indignant article about it, which I thought was pretty hilarious.) Some of my other favorites: a report from a book party for Christopher Buckley, a report from a New York Times shareholder meeting, a report from the Time 100 party where I sat next to Whit Stillman, a report from a book party for a dating book, and a report from The New York Observer party at the Four Seasons, which weirdly did not preclude my getting a job there a few months later.

Did you feel, once you left Gawker, less of an obligation to be in the New York media social scene, or does that just come with the territory if you work in media in the city?
I never really felt an obligation to be in the New York media social scene. It was more that after I started at Gawker, I met people who were in the "New York media social scene" and became friends with some of them, and since leaving Gawker have continued to be friends with them.

What would you say to a person who said to you "Professional blogging? That sounds like the easiest job in the world!"
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA

What dogs are you obsessed with?
I'm pretty much exclusively obsessed with my dog Lee, who is the best uber-neurotic 12-year-old pit bull mix in the entire world.

How's your week of veganism going?
It's going well, thanks! So far I've successfully resisted the urge to blog more than once about it because I don't want to be That Annoying Girl Who Became Vegan for a Week. But since you asked, it's now day six and I'm not really craving meat (but I'd love some ice cream). Btw, after I posted I was going to be vegan for a week, I got a frantic IM from my sister who advised me that being a vegetarian was okay, but being a vegan was "insane." (Also: I'm watching Man vs. Food as I write this, which probably isn't the best thing for a temporary vegan to be watching, but whatever!) All that being said... I want the first piece of meat I eat to be one of these.

How does it feel to be the 228th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Like I just gave birth! It's a sense of euphoria I never knew I was capable of. Now I know how moms feel!

Idol, ANTM and I made this dessert called "matzoh crack." It's matzoh bread baked with caramel on top and then you melt chocolate on top of that, break it up, and eat it. It could be my proudest moment since I made candied bacon.

I wrote about Idol last night.

Also, the other day my Dad sent me this article, "How to Deal with a Difficult Daughter-in-Law". As a difficult daughter-in-law myself, I found it quite amusing. For instance:

Respect your child's choice. Your son loves this woman, no matter that you can't understand what he sees in her. Remember the old song, "When a man loves a woman...If she is bad, he can't see it, She can do no wrong, Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down." This is absolute truth - so in dealing with her, no matter what your true feelings are, you must never say a word against her to your son.

That's damn straight. I in fact encouraged my husband to turn his back on his best friend even before he had the chance to say a word about me, positive or negative. And you can't understand what my husband sees in me, because what we have is special and you're just jealous.

Stay cordial at all times. She may be a clueless, crude boor. She may be vulgar and crass. She may swear like a sailor while your family is a church-going, proper group. She may actually be unkind, cruel, or a manipulative, controlling narcissist, not caring about imposing on others as long as she gets whatever she wants.

Shut the shit up, WikiHow. You don't know me. You wish you did, because I'm the bomb, but you don't, so go to hell, asshole. Now go get me whatever it is I want. A coffee, to be precise.

Remember that she may be the mother of your grandchildren. She will control access to any offspring of your son's that result from the marriage.

Yeah. Remember that. Remember it good.

Talk to your son.

You can't, unless I give him the phone (and I won't.)

Hey, I contributed to a list about good albums that work well when listened to start to finish.

Instead of writing an open letter to my neighbor, whose garbage I am tired of seeing stacked up in front of his house and strewn about the alley, I decided to think about positive things:

1) I decided that it was important I get some new flats. I found a pair on Zappos that after some careful consideration I decided I needed. I ordered them Wednesday and they came on Thursday. Sometimes I think Zappos cares about my happiness more than anyone I know.

2) I found a dress online for a crazy reduced price at Nordstrom. I pondered for a while whether I actually needed this dress and then decided I did, only to find that during my stupid reflection time the dress became unavailable. I logged into the customer service chat to bitch about it and within 5 minutes a salesperson in California who had the dress in stock called me. Granted, she thought Chicago was a state but who cares.

3) With the tiny bit of money I had left I went out to dinner with some girlfriends on Saturday to this place Hot Chocolate. Our waiter was extremely nice, apologizing for the wait we had before being seated and generally being very friendly and helpful and cool, to the point where I felt bad for not ordering the specials he seemed so excited about. He did highly recommend this one pear dessert which I ordered, and it genuinely seemed to please him that I went for that as opposed to the restaurant's more famous chocolate offerings. When the bill came, he wrote "Lovely!" on it. "What's that for?" my friend Julie asked and I said "Obviously, he's talking about us," jokingly. I asked him, though, just to be clear, what he meant and he said "Oh, I just thought you guys were lovely" and I said "That's what I thought!" I'm sure the fact that we hung around and ordered a lot of food and wine didn't influence his opinion at all but still, he was very nice.

You're welcome, by the way, America, for the way I've been stimulating your economy lately.

If you'd like to see a very abbreviated list of what makes me (and other AV Club writers) laugh, check this out.

Today I chat with a very witty and forthright (IE Mom, Dad, there is frank talk in this interview) iwriter and comedian whose first book, People Are Unappealing: Even Me is out now. Her essays have also appeared in the anthologies Mortified: The Big Book of Angst, Have I Got A Guy For You, and Rock and Roll Cage-Match. As a performer she's appeared on Showtime's This American Life, NPR's Weekend Edition, NBC's The Today Show, and at the 10th annual H.B.O. Comedy Arts Festival. She hosts The Moth: Stories Told and teaches humor writing at Gotham Writer's Workshop.

How did the book version of "People are Unappealing" come about?
I'd written a solo-show called PEOPLE ARE UNAPPEALING and I was lucky enough to have a literary agent come to see it and say, "I think you could turn this into a book." And I said, "All right then." I was waiting tables fifty hours a week at The Olive Garden at the time, a reality that makes other pursuits - penning a book, for example - seem more doable. "If I can do this," you tell yourself, "I can do anything."

Do you think you'd approach writing your next book in a different way?
Yes. I'd try and buy a second computer just for book writing that wouldn't have access to Facebook. Honestly, I feel like PEOPLE ARE UNAPPEALING would've taken half the time to write - or alternately been twice as long - if I didn't spend upwards of two hours a day checking the "pages" of every ex-boyfriend and/or high school nemesis.

What was the hardest part about writing this book?
Staying focused (see above.) For me, writing a book was basically an invitation to find new and inventive ways of internet stalking.

hat will the next one be about?
I'm working on another essay collection tentatively titled PEOPLE ARE JERKS. It focuses on subjects as diverse as sing-a-longs, Facebook, arson, condom-popping clit rings and also hand sanitizer.

You share a lot of personal stories when you write and perform: is there anything off-limits for you?
Not if I think it's good for a laugh. To me, it's way more embarrassing that my parents still have to help me pay for health insurance that it is that I once masturbated myself into a wrist brace. Since, you know, the wrist brace anecdote reveals that I'm an over-achiever. The health insurance one just proves that I'm incompetent.

It seems like you come from an open family in general (you talk about your family's fascination with your dad's bathroom habits on the first page)--have you ever gotten in trouble for sharing something about them?
Not yet. Though I don't know how my grandmother's going to take to the fact that I tell the story of the time my brother found her vibrator stuffed into a tube sock.

What are some of the keys to a good Moth reading?
Rehearsal. You'd be shocked the number of people who think they can get in front of a microphone with little to no preparation and just see what happens. Know the story you're going to tell; know where it starts, know where it climaxes, know where it ends.

What is your piece in "Mortified: The Big Book of Angst" about?
I wrote a pornographic 50-page-long screenplay when I was eleven and it's what got featured in "Mortified." There's lots of "wild frenching" and "violent humping." Also, it involves Paula Abdul and lots of post-coital champagne toasts.

What type of cringe readings seem to yield the best performances?
Anything works, really, as long as the audience can sense from the performer that she is, truly, at a comfortable place with her subject wherein she's totally ready and able to laugh at herself.

Had you forgotten about the porno you'd written as an 11-year-old until an audience for embarrassing readings came about, or had you always remembered it and just wanted to find the right place for it?
I rediscovered The Porn before I knew there was a decent forum for it to be read aloud. That said, I still don't think I've found its most ideal platform. Really, I think it's meant to be a massive movie blockbuster starring, preferably, Tom Cruise and Christie Brinkley.

What lesson when you teach humor writing do your students seem to find most helpful?
Economy. Of. Words. Also, funniest word goes at the end of a sentence.

I read this blurb somewhere: "Sara Barron establishes herself as the Michael Phelps of complaining." What's your drug and how are you taking it?
Lexapro! 10 milligrams a day with a healthy gulp of water!

How did the "twat waffle" story come to be such Manhattan lore?
Page 6 and then Perez Hilton picked up the story, one of me being wronged by a couple of wonderfully wealthy and entitled celebrities I refer to as "Luigi" (a red-headed and Italian celebrity chef) and "Twat Waffle" (a famous vegan rock-star) respectively. The explanation for the latter's pseudonym gets revealed over the course of the story but in short I'll say that it involves twats. And also waffles.

In a fight between an actress who goes to a fancy restaurant but doesn't really want to eat vs. an egomaniacal chef who refuses to change his menu, whose side would you take?
Egomaniacal chef!

Which writers make you laugh?
David Sedaris, Sarah Vowell, David Rakoff, Jonathan Ames, Lorrie Moore, Meghan Daum, Flannery O'Connor, Dorothy Parker. Oh. And both the Olsen twins. Their recent coffee table book "Influence" was WONDERFUL.

How does it feel to be the 227th person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Erotic. Highly erotic.

I wrote covered things last night: American Idol and America's Next Top Model.

As you may know Tyra Banks is asking women 5'7 and under to try out for the next season of "Top Model." I think this is a horrible idea. First, not like the show has really been about fashion and modeling for a while, it pretty much indicates Tyra's throwing in the towel this season in terms of trying to make the show fashion-relevant. Kate Moss is the exception, not the rule, to model height.

But moreover I think it goes against the laws of nature to put it into short girls' heads that they can be top models. That's what separates us from the animals: short girl can be pretty but not runway models, and tall girls have that working for them. If you get all these short girls running around thinking they're going to be models, it'll be mayhem in the streets. Oh wait, it already was.

The nice thing about the height requirement for modeling is that it lets shorter people breathe easier, knowing that genetically it just wasn't meant to be and they can quit trying to look as perfect as a model does. But telling any short chick that she can be a model means that she thinks she can, and should.

Fortunately for me, I don't have to worry about it since I'm a few years older than the maximum age allowed for ANTM tryouts. Because if it wasn't for that, I know I would win the competition. I'm not here to make friends and I know I'm better than all of you. I mean, that's what I would say. If I were in the competition. But I'm not. Just because I'm too old, not because of anything else.

Of my Twitter feed, which of these do you think came from John McCain and which just came from my friends? (Hint: there's only one)

Hey! More importantly, I interviewed Andy Richter! I didn't tell him this anecdote but when I was an intern at Dateline NBC in college I got to spend a day at 30 Rockefeller center and when I wasn't talking to Katie Couric (who was very nice) I was lurking around the Conan studio. I sat at Conan's desk, stole a pencil and walked back and forth a few times in front of Andy's dressing room door just in case he came out and I could meet him. I left after an appropriate amount of time but I do remember that on his dressing room door he had up a picture of a kitten smoking a cigarette. So that was cool.

"I like to be toasty. Putting on socks and three sweaters just doesn't do it for me. I keep the thermostat cranked up while I sleep"

Katherine Tiddens: My first response is that you can either put on a sweater now, or freeze in the dark when we run out of fossil fuels.

"I hate the light from those new energy-saving bulbs. I just can't bring myself to give up that warm glow of incandescent bulbs."

KT: You have to.

"I need air-conditioning. I sleep better, I feel better. I'm not above leaving it on all day while I'm at work, soI come home to a comfortable temperature."

Lori Bongiorno: I have to say: Suffer for 10 minutes!

These were only taken out of context to the extent that I eliminated the answers that followed. I didn't know that being green meant you were so crabby all the time.

I participated in an AV Club Q&A and answered the question "What songs/bands that you used to like can you not listen to anymore because of the memories you associate with them? I'm thinking along the lines of the favorite band of an ex that broke your heart, a dead friend's favorite song, and/or the song that was playing when you got some particularly bad news." You can find my answer and many others' here.

It's a neat piece, and the comments are cool--I must give it up for AV Club comments--I wouldn't read them if they weren't uncommonly good (well, except for the guy who called me an idiot).

Next week I'll return with a slew of interviews--no, I haven't quit doing them, as my mom asked. Times is tough in this economy for interviewees, people.

One day I'll figure out how to ration a few jokes or thoughts for this site per day and not squander my brain on this other type of writing (IE on American Idol for the AV Club and Top Model for the LA Times).

I wrote about Idol last night.

Also, I discovered a wonderful cost-saving fashion tip: just wear your fall clothes in the spring and pretend they're pink.

My day is off to a poor start, unfortunately not the kind that inspires me to write something clever about it. If you are feeling crabby too, may I recommend some otters?

Hi Lee,

Looks like we'll have to cancel lesson today, it's raining.

Have a good weekend!

szeyen

I hope Lee DOES have a very nice weekend and spends this rainy Friday curled up somewhere nice. I wish lesson was canceled for me today.

Covered Top Model and Idol.

It's official: I am going to get a Filet-o-Fish sandwich. All it took was a singing robotic fish to exhort me, in a catchy way, to "Give me that fish," which doesn't really make any sense but I don't care: I want a fried square of fish on a bun with some tartarish sauce and a perfect slice of cheese. This is what Lent is all about.

So I read this last week about PETA's founder posting a will and testament, claiming that among other things, she would like to have her remains barbecued and made into leather products. PETA is of course more well-known for doing crazy stuff than actually changing people's minds. This will annoyed me since you'd think Ingrid Newkirk could do something with her last wishes that a.) wouldn't be such a hassle, permit-wise and b.) might actually work. And they can be equally stupid ideas. Like promising to pay $100 to each person who gets MEAT IS MURDER tattooed on his or her head (until the money runs out). Or just buying back a crapload of lobsters. Whatever.

Oh, I wrote about Idol last night.

My longtime internet buddy Mike Sacks is publishing a really cool book in July called "And Here's the Kicker: Conversations with Top Humor Writers About Their Craft". If you like humor or you like writing (and frankly if you like neither, that sucks for you) you should pre-order this book (hint: if you're related to a writer you should buy this for him or her for the next holiday/coming-of-age celebration). I shared a part of this book with a writing class I taught a few weeks ago and the students were thrilled with the things they learned from it. I had a had time figuring out what to include for you so I went for the humor, more than the craft, since it's Monday.

It must make it easy for you as a comedy writer to know that a performer like Sacha will never break character.

That's an amazing thing. Even when faced with arrest, Sacha won't break character. We were shooting a TV segment one time in Sedona, Arizona, and Borat was interviewing this New Age guy who was channeling angels through an "energized" cast-iron pyramid. The guy asked Borat to take off his clothes and lie down on a cot. The guy then began to chant and channel the angels. But while the guy was chanting Borat began to masturbate under the sheets, at which point this serene and gentle angel-channeler did that thing that Americans sometimes do--he just snapped. He went absolutely crazy. He screamed something like, "Why are you masturbating in my pyramid? This is no way to treat angels! You have contaminated my aura!"

Angels hate that.

They do. They're real sticklers for masturbating in pyramids. So we literally ran out in a Scooby-Doo way, grabbed our clothes and sprinted to our van--with its engine running, of course. We always had the engine running, just in case something like this would happen. Sacha had managed to grab his underpants and jump into the back of the van. We drove off and collected ourselves, and ended up shooting a segment at a drum circle not far away.

All of a sudden, we heard police sirens. The police stepped into the drum circle and said, "We've had complaints. We understand that you were masturbating in public and that's an offense here in Arizona, punishable by six months in prison." The police separated the director, and then me, and then Sacha to hear our individual stories. So I gave my story. The director gave his. And then I went over to Sacha, expecting to hear him say, "Look, I'm really sorry. I was just doing this for a television show." And instead I heard, "I do not understand what you mean 'masturbates.' " It was like he was doing a bit, but with no cameras. There was no way this was ever going to be seen by anyone, but nonetheless he was remaining steadfast in character. The police were so frustrated by their inability to understand him that they just said, "Okay, okay. Look, if you should leave Sedona now, we won't press any charges."

How much of these filmed segments are written versus improvised?

We usually write about 75 percent to 80 percent of any given segment beforehand. We predict how people will respond, and we write to those imagined responses. We effectively navigate the whole conversation.

There was a scene in Borat where he was asked about his religion, and he says that he worships "the hawk." We didn't foresee that question coming, but we had built up such a completely thorough background for this character--we had written so many jokes in preparation--that Sacha was ready.

We're ready for anything. Our preparation is immense for each character. You ask me any question about Borat and I'll answer it.

When did Borat lose his virginity?

Eleven.

To whom?

His sister.

What were Borat's grades in school?

He didn't go to school. He was working from the age of seven.

Who is Borat's favorite Beatle?

The dung beetle. He's never heard of the Beatles. . . .

Sacha goes to extremes with each character. If he's playing Borat, he won't shower the night or two before an interview. It's an amazing devotion to detail. Even Borat's underwear is authentic for the character. It has a Russian label on it, so that if Borat strips and somebody catches him, his underwear won't say "Wal-Mart."

The level of authenticity is incredible. Even the shit in the baggy was real in the Borat movie. With considerable debate, we realized it had to be real. We didn't want to take a chance and have them call Borat's bluff. We didn't want them to say, "Hold on, this is fake shit." Then, all of a sudden, our cover would be blown. So one of us had to muster up some shit for the bag.

Who in their right mind would have called your bluff on something like that?

We weren't taking any chances.

Who provided the shit? The key grip?

It wasn't. It was a guy who worked on-set named Jason.

Did he receive a credit for his role?

Actually, he did. If you look in the credits, it says, "Mr. Baron Cohen's Feces Provided by Jason Alper."

His parents must be very proud.

From what I heard, they are.

Thursday night I thought that I was done with "American Idol" for the week but I had another hour to do last night too, the wildest of cards episode, so my brain is a little fried.

Here is an open question to the people who work on the WBEZ public radio show "848" though. So the introduction features Harry Carey, Studs Terkel (I think), a guy saying "City of the Big Shoulders" and El running through. There is also a dog barking. I have been trying to nail down which famous Chicago dog that is for some time now. Is it the Demon Dog? A Sox Park kosher dog? The Obamas' dog? I demand to know.

American Idol and America's Next Top Model. 3 hours last night! Oy.

I'm tired of medical organizations complaining about the portrayal of cigarette smoking in movies. Maybe they wouldn't care so much if movies showed more fat, ugly unemployed people not in love smoking so that at least the fact that people smoke would be portrayed but it wouldn't be 'glamorized'.

Moreover I'm sick of the one-note of these complaints. It's always cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes. How come you never hear from other medical organizations complaining about the representation or lack thereof of their pet causes in movies and TV? The American Podiatric Association should complain more about women's unrealistic portrayal of how easy life is in high heels in romantic comedies. Other than the occasional sexy beach scene, nobody puts on SPF in the movies--where is the American Dermatological Association? I know I am easily swayed by what I see on TV so while my dentist tells me that I need to floss every day, I never see it happen on TV hence I'm not sure if I really am going to do it. And you never, ever see people pooping in the movies or TV but why hasn't the American Gastroenterological Association made a peep about this? You'd think they'd be upset about all the cinematic blockage going on.

As a great man (me) once said, "Fame is like peanut butter. You have to spread it."

And Facebook provides the right ... peanut-butter-spreading knife for the job.

OK. How to start? Well, as a stand-up comedian (of rare gifts and pluck, mind you), I have a wide network of friends, fans, peers, and associates. And it's very, VERY easy to balloon this on FB. My FB clique is around 1,300 right now (they don't let you have more than 5,000, I'm told, which I'm already irked by). You collect names at shows, you see performers you like, you find people, you say "yes" to whomever asks to be your friend (Why not? You can always block people who go weird on you - I've done exactly that 5 or 6 times already), and in no time, voila: you've reached some critical mass where you're kind of hanging around a massive, perpetual party of people, yapping and commenting and yucking it up back and forth any time you like.

Which ... for me is pretty often. What can I say? I'm a middle-school girl at heart. My preferred comic weapon in life has always been the snarky, sotto voce quip in the back of class. I'd either whisper or (better yet) actually write down in my notebook some wee bon mot designed to get a laugh from a pal or a cute girl.

How could you beat that? That's my M.O. Speaking "truth" just out of earshot of power.

Oh lord. I've gone a long way around with this, haven't I?

Back to Facebook. "Status updates" are your chance to make that comment in your notebook in the back of class. I love that they're short. I love that they're stupid. I love that they're throwaway. I love that now other people (most of whom I don't know in real life) can make some jack-ass comment right back at me, or give props or bust chops--or whatever. The whole thing is like candy to me. I absolutely love writing them. I love being snarky and annoying. And having 1,300 people be able to see it? Bliss. I'm not kidding.

And ... yes, I actually have "fans" of my status updates now. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.

And I SAY my comments are "throwaway," but that's just me trying to be cool. I'm not an idiot. I have an RSS feed that collects all my status-updates so I can go back and turn them into whatever book ideas or stand-up premises I might hatch later on. I'm aware I'm spinning gold, yo.

Oh, and here's how I claim the authority to write so vainly about my experience: I GOT WRITTEN UP BY THE PRESS FOR MY EFFORTS! That's right. Eat it. They said "We can't all be consistently witty with our update status like a ROBERT BUSCEMI [that's me], but can't we at least strive for some occasional insightful insight?"

How sweet is that? They're basically admitting that I am King of Earth.

So anyhow, an illustrative (and VERY middle-school-drama-ish) FB story. This one Poor Bastard (we'll call him "PB") literally didn't "get" several status-updates of mine in a row (he'd asked if I was speaking some kind of "code" the day before), and I had to school him in our comment-exchange after the fact, for all the world (all my 1,300 friends, anyway) to see. The exchange:

My update: "Robert ... needed to move just 20 yards, but it was from cliff to opposite cliff, so he had to go down in the gully, then 30 hard miles south to get out, then back."

PB commented immediately: "again, what are you talking about? Is this from a movie?"

Poor, poor, slow-on-the-uptake PB ...

My response: "PB! it's just a bit of imagery. mildly funny (i hope) floating poetry of sorts. i was actually thinking about stand-up, if you must know -- how it's a long, long road to a short place: me being funny on stage just like i used to be funny at parties. in one sense, no difference (20 yards). in another sense, a long, long, long, arduous trek through the treacherous desert (7 years of stage time). capice? now please, stop making me explain. just open your mind and go with 'em or ignore 'em. they don't 'mean'-mean ANYthing. dig? and i don't quote movies, PB. people quote me."

Then, after "Steve" intoned, somewhat cleverly (" '30 hard miles south to get out...' It may be hard Robert, but you can lick it!"), I added, perhaps belying too much pique: "See, PB? Steve took it on what appears to be a sexual turn. It works well enough -- you have a canyon, you're 'going south,' and it's sexual-prodigy ME we're talking about. Just go anywhere, baby. This is the '60s, after all!"

Don't you love how I'm the hero of my own story (thanks for the assist, Steve!), and how I circle my prey like a pack of hyenas?

Ahhhhhh, Facebook.

So get bent, all you I-Won't-Go-On-Facebook snobs. I make no apologies. I love the crush of idiocy that are my status-book updates and their devotees who try in vain to match my comic heights.

(I write tons of text-messages too, if you're curious. "Eat it, sofa-butt!" is in my text-message outbox as I type.)

What can I say? It's a literary age. And before you throw stones, just remember: You're not writing Proust either, Einstein. Though it occurs to me that the minutiae of Facebook information parallels Proust more closely than, say, Faulkner.

Did I just hit on a dissertation topic?

Just search "Robert Buscemi" on Facebook and I'll pop up. You can friend me. Then you can see for yourself what a ninja I am.

Oh, and here are a few short compilations of my better status-update work. Just scroll down a bit and you can't miss 'em. It'll take you two minutes. Have at it.

See you on Facebook, suckas.

Like most things on the Internet I'm probably 5 years behind on this but the other day I discovered Xzibit memes and they're one of those things that are so purposefully stupid that I love it more than I love myself.

It's probably ruining it to explain it but to steal the story from Reddit, "An MTV show called 'Pimp My Ride' was hosted by the rapper Xzibit. The show became known for making ridiculous and mostly useless modifications to viewer's cars based on their interests. For example, one owner loved bowling so Xzibit and his crew installed a custom mini lane, automatic bowling ball washer, and a hydraulic bowling ball display stand lift in the automobile's trunk. At the end of show during the reveal, Xzibit would say something like "Yo dawg, I heard you like bowling so we put a bowling alley in your trunk so you can bowl while you drive." The bright young minds over at 4chan established the format of 'Yo dawg, I heard you like X, so we put a X in your X so you can X while you X' and paired it with a funny picture of Xzibit ... And so, a meme was born and it spread across the interwebs like herpes."

To wit:

So then we get things like:

and

and then things get a little more ridiculous

then we get kind of timely:

and then a bit meta:

The important thing here, people, is that when you're weaving a beautiful tale as I am, to end it properly:

No? OK then.

I'm having major issues accessing my site today so no post, which is just as well since it was just going to be a bunch of memes that made me laugh yesterday. Don't worry, I'm still going to post them tomorrow.

Shortly after the election of Barack Obama, Jory John, who runs the drop-in tutoring at 826 Valencia in San Francisco, began asking his students to write letters to their new president. The results were hilarious, heartrending, and even practical. The project was expanded to include students from all over the country, and the resulting book is available now. Below are some selections from the book. If you'd like to purchase it yourself, you can do so here.

1.
Dear President Obama,
You are just like a big me, because I am from Chicago, and I am biracial and have curly hair. I live in Seattle now, but I'm still from Chicago. I have an idea. Why don't you give everybody, even the homeless, 10 dollars every day? And don't forget to give the kids money, too.
Sincerely,
Avante Price, age 7, Seattle

2.
Dear President Obama,
The first thing you need to do is put your stuff in the White House. Be careful, Abraham Lincoln haunts one of the bedrooms. Look around the White House. Meet with your helpers. Get a puppy. Talk to America. Make a speech. My name is Matthew Wong. I was watching TV when you were elected; my family was happy.
Sincerely,
Matthew Wong, age 8, Chicago

3.
Dear Barack Obama,
Something happened to me: I went out to lunch at Starbucks and I wanted to buy a cup of whipped cream and normally it's 43 cents, but now it's 74 cents! The price raised 31 cents for no reason. So you should probably try to change things like that from happening. You should keep an eye out for things like that.
Love,
Alexis Feliciano, age 9, Brooklyn

4.
Dear President Obama,
What is your favorite holiday? My favorite holidays are Christmas and Halloween. I would be a good president and stop bad drugs. What stuff is in the White House? Answer here: _________________________________

You would never say bad words because you would never break the law.
Sincerely,
Kevin Cordova, age 7, Los Angeles

5.
Dear President Obama,
I know you want to save the Earth, but people don't want to clean. My life is to clean up all the world and help you to clean. I always dream of cleaning the world for you. I'll do anything for you because you are the president in this world.
Stephanie Gonzalez, age 7, Los Angeles

6.
Dear President Obama,
Here is a list of the first ten things you should do as president:
1. Fly to the White House in a helicopter. 2. Walk in. 3. Wipe feet. 4. Walk to the Oval Office. 5. Sit down in a chair. 6. Put hand sanitizer on hands. 7. Enjoy moment. 8. Get up.
9. Get in car. 10. Go to the dog pound.
Sincerely,
Chandler Browne, age 12, Chicago

7.
Dear President Barack Obama,
When I was watching television on November 4th, I started crying because I was so happy. Everyone in my neighborhood kept honking their cars, yelling, and texting their friends about how you had been elected the 44th president. My friend's dad is going to open a new ice-cream store right in front of my house and they are going to try to open it on January 20th in honor of you. :) My family and I have been talking about when you become president that it is going to be very hard. Don't worry, you have me, my family, my friends, and St. James School to support you. Just remember that you have two wonderful daughters that love you and a wife that loves you too and remember that she is as beautiful as a rose.

Well, thanks, and I hope you have a great time running the country. :)
Sincerely,
Yoselin Teresa Martinez Xonthe, San Francisco

So after Christmas, my husband and I adopted a greyhound, which I highly recommend. We went through this organization and in the adoption process, they advised us that it might be fun to order Briscoe's (named after "Law and Order"'s Lenny Briscoe, naturally) racing tapes. He raced up until last summer in Iowa and in Wisconsin at Dairyland Greyhound Park.

The people at Greyhounds Only said that it would be neat if we asked for races where Briscoe both won and lost, so we could get a mix, but when I got on the phone, the nice lady at Dairyland sounded so impressed by Briscoe's record that I caved and only ordered races where he won. Why would we want to see him lose? I also learned that we could personalize the DVD with our own intro so I went with the "Steve and Claire Present: Briscoe Racing Into Our Hearts" option.

I got the DVD on Valentine's Day and I couldn't wait for Steve to come home to put it in. I've never seen greyhound racing so I was psyched to see our guy do his thing, and beat all those other sucker dogs.

Um, so here's the thing--our dog is freaking awesome. Of course I'm biased since I've only seen him win but he pulled out some amazing performances (and it was easy to spot him because he has a cute widdle bit o' white at the tip of his tail). There were a few where he came from