Do-Over Moments for Dina Lohan
Maybe it's my judgmental old age, or the fact that I have what I'd deem a pretty great mom, but I've come to the preachy conclusion that Dina Lohan kinda sucks as a mother. Most of the time you can't judge someone's parenting skills because parenting is, by and large, a personal affair, but Lindsay's mom has done such a great job making her crappy parenting public that she's given us all some lessons to learn in case we happen to raise famous children. If by some chance a time machine happens to be built and Dina can go back in time and try to rectify the situation and attempt to save her daughter from substance abuse addiction and jailtime, I have a few moments she could try re-living:
Fighting with your ex-husband in public: OK, so Michael Lohan may not be a class act. People get married and divorced all the time and for good reasons, so I won't judge you there. But the public statements to the press about how you're both the worst isn't really good for your kids.
Making excuses for Lindsay when somebody "spilled alcohol" on her SCRAM bracelet at a party: Don't do this. Actually, tell your daughter in no uncertain terms that if a judge has mandated that her substance abuse is so bad she has to wear a device to monitor her alcohol intake, she has no business being at a party with a bar. Lock the door if you must.
Claiming that you get treated horribly because your daughter's Carvel ice cream card is revoked because you abused it: First of all, buy your own damn ice cream, are you kidding me? Don't be pathetic. Secondly, think of, oh, actually people in the world who do get treated horribly. And don't say such idiotic things.
Doing not one but two reality TV shows about your family: Talk to Jessica Simpson, Kate Gosselin, and the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith.
Proclaiming that your daughter is a victim of the criminal justice system: Again, there are actual victims of the criminal justice system. Don't be an ass. Also, your daughter was totally guilty and you know it and you should have told her that you did the best you could (if you did) but if she did the crime she's got to do the time.
Thinking that you are famous and beloved because your daughter churned out a some cute kid roles and precisely one good post-pubescent movie: No.
Going shopping with your daughter for stupid crap while your daughter's life is circling the drain: Set the girl up with an IRA, THEN go buy ugly shoes.
Speaking to the media in general about your kids and their well-being: How about not doing that? Most of the time you appear patently deluded anyway, and you can class up your act in the meantime by just shutting your mouth.
Letting your underage daughter go out with your daughter with the substance abuse issues: OK, so let's say even if you go back in time and do everything right and you still can't save Lindsay, you can still try and save the others. Whatever their names are.