Attention Cubs Fans
I don't really have much else to say this morning except that I wanted to give you the satisfaction of the horrible shame I felt this weekend. Having my White Sox swept in back to back series by your team has caused me great pain and humiliation and I think that you should know that. For some reason I blamed you for this for the first 2/3 of this ignominy. That's right: even going back to last year, I felt that you all got together and through sheer force of obnoxious will, forced my team to lose. But now I'm being forced to consider that perhaps of late my team just is not, um, playing that well. Against yours.
I won't go so far as to say that you are correct or better human beings or cuter or that your park is better but I will say that my team stinks right now and I feel great, great shame. My weekend would have been ruined had I not had sufficient distractions.
I may have to re-evaluate my summer and my life in general if we cannot take at least two from you next weekend. I may have to turn into one of those people who claims that the series "doesn't matter" and that it's just a gimmick, and so on. The kind of thing losers say.
So enjoy it, Cubs fans. Normally I would just pretend this whole thing didn't happen, and that perhaps I didn't notice it, that I don't care. But I do care, in a bad way. I hope you had fun this weekend, because we Sox fans certainly did not. So please, enjoy my misery. I want you to--that is why I am offering it up to you. My team stinks right now. You won, and in a particularly embarrassingly dominant way.
At least we're still in first place, though. I could offer you total and complete surrender that I have totally forsaken my team at the hands of your team's dominance but that I cannot give. You must wait a few months for that.
Now it is time for me to extract some teeth and get a tattoo on my neck and prepare to run onto the field to assault an umpire at the next game, because I am starting to believe you--that perhaps that is indeed my fate.