Oh, and I forgot to thank my spouse and my children. Oh well. It's not like they really had anything to do with the making of the picture, right?

I'd like to thank the other nominees, because they made me look so good in comparison. What a bunch of losers, sitting there, looking fat in their cheap clothes.

Also? Writers? F you. Because of you, there's no Vanity Fair ball and I was really looking forward to doing some grade-A cocaine in the bathrooms there, especially with some of the pregnant stars. You know which ones I'm talking about. Writers, I wish you had all just gone away forever.

Jon Stewart, you are short. And I can't believe you let that little Polack come out and give her speech. Why did she get to and I have this music playing over me? She's not even hot.

Anyway, I can't believe I get paid to do so much for so little work. I pity everyone watching at home, except Hispanics, because I hate them. Did you know I'm unbelievably racist? I'm telling you right now, on national TV that I AM RACIST. And I love it! What are you going to do about it? Also, I'm really high right now on drugs, illegal drugs, which I bought from the person who just handed me this thing. Anyway, I'm going to go get drunk now and spread sexually transmitted diseases around and then blame it on my spouse.