Things I Hope They Don't Find Out About Me When I Run For President
That I used to be fat and wasn't proud of my curves
That I've spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes knowingly
That I think singing "God Bless America" at baseball games is dumb.
That I've wished harm upon some of my fellow Americans, sometimes even on a daily basis while riding the bus
That I hate strong women, typically when they're yelling at me
