I was very disappointed to hear recently that the bald eagle was removed from the nation’s endangered species list. For years I have been single-handed trying to exterminate the species, but I see my attempts have been thwarted (for now).

You may ask why I’d want to exterminate the species. Well here are my reasons:

1.) They’re stupid. Bald eagles are stupid. When was the last time you ever saw one do some long division, or figure out how to remove its own self from the endangered species list? We don’t have room on this planet for stupid animals.
2.) They’re ugly. Okay, they’re not that ugly. But compared to a cute puppy or maybe a supermodel though, they are not that attractive. There are so many more beautiful animals to look at.
3.) They are more likely to poop on the roof of your car, than, say, a chicken, which cannot fly and is more delicious than the bald eagle and thus would be a much better national symbol.
4.) Birds are creepy anyway. Don’t you think so? They’re kind of lizardlike and have beady eyes.

You may say that these reasons still seem like they’re not really extreme enough to cause me to want to exterminate the animals. You might ask, “But Claire, why did you just settle for not protecting the bald eagle, instead of roaming the streets of the North Side of Chicago, futilely searching for bald eagles to pop from their nests?”

I will have an answer for you at a later date.